Hush
by summerkid
Summary: Her world was dark. Her world was silent. And no one knew she was screaming.
1. Prologue

_**i have been debating for quite a while about posting this story. i already have 2 stories that i am focusing a lot on, as well as trying to finish up 2 others that are literally only 1 chapter from being complete. however, i have been struggling with this idea. trying to push it aside because of so many reasons. first, i don't want you all to think i'm avoiding or ignoring my other works because it seems as though i keep popping up with these new stories. second, i literally sat down at my computer and this came pouring out of me that i already have like a million chapters to it (not really a million) and i couldn't stop the flow. third and final reason, this is very unlike my other works. it's super dark, like really dark.**_

_**so with my rambling out of the way, i decided to post it because i am a writer and as a writer we like to share our creativity with the world (or the fandom). **_

_**WARNING: this story is a hard M. it deals with a lot of hardcore topics and perhaps may be unsettling for some of you. it deals with abuse (all forms), cursing (obviously) and a few other things that i would just say if anything like abuse is offensive to you i appologize or if it's uncomfortable i am sorry. reader discretion is advised.**_

_**side note: this is just the prologue, it may seem like i jumped right into things but i chose this excerpt for a reason and the first chapter will clearly explain the process of the story more thoroughly. so just give it a read, a chance and be honest in your review. thank you:)**_

* * *

**Hush: Prologue**

"_You're too good for me Brittany." Santana yelled into the cold winter air. It was strange because even as the wind whipped around and it slapping her in the face like ice, her face was warm and she realized she was crying and couldn't remember the last time she cried. "I'm used and broken and hollow inside." She spit out pointing her finger into her chest to get her point across. "I can't give you what you want. Anything and everything that you deserve and all the things I want to give to you were taken from me a long time ago. I can't get them back. So do us both a favor and just go, leave." She screamed the last word so loud that it echoed off into the night sky._

"_Santana stop it." Brittany pleaded and she tried to stay in control of the tears that were threatening her cheeks. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm not asking you to give me anything I don't want things from you."_

"_Then what do you want?" Santana shouted causing Brittany to jump a little at the volume but once she quickly regained composure she tried to think of an explanation, a reason, a want and she does._

"_I just want you." Brittany told her factually and Santana's face fell slightly and her shoulder's relaxed and her mouth opened but only the hot air of her breath came out, like steam._

_Without any other words Santana stepped to Brittany grabbing her hand and leading her up the walk way to her house. She pushed through the front door quickly dragging the blonde up the stairs. Once her bedroom door was shut she started removing the layers she had so diligently covered her body in. Brittany watched from the door as a coat fell to the foot of the bed and Cheerio track pants hit the floor. Santana turned to face her best friend and motioned to her body as though it were on display._

"_This is what you want?" She asked and her tone was so bitter it sliced through Brittany like a shard of glass and she looked away ashamed. "Let me show you what it is that you get B." Santana hastily reached for the zipper to her Cheerio top and got it off in no time. "See this?" She asked loudly pointing to a small scar just above her left breast. If she hadn't have pointed it out in the light it would have gone unseen. "This is from sophomore year when I was drunk at a senior's house and some deliverance asshole thought it would be exciting to fuck me while holding a knife to my throat. Just as he came the knife slipped and he cut me." Brittany winced at the story and the words used to tell it. "Or how about this?" She turned to the side and pointed out a small circular scar just above the waist band of her Cheerio skirt. "This is from the summer of 9__th__ when I went to Quinn's house while they were on vacation and I was not so warmly greeted by her creep of a neighbor. He head butted me knocking me out when I tried to fight him off and I came to when he thought it would be fun to put his cigarette out on me." She screamed and then unclasped her bra._

"_San." Brittany tried to speak but her voice came out cracky and gargally. Santana's bra was thrown hard to the floor, the clasps made noise on the wood as it hit._

"_Did I ever show you these?" She walked closer to Brittany and lifted her breasts showing the small scars from her 'summer surgery'. "This is summer going into junior year because I wanted power. I wanted to control my situations." She laughed roughly and hard and it was cold. "That didn't happen."_

"_Please stop."_

"_Oh, is this too much for you Brittany? Am I too damaged for you now?" She spit out but she wasn't waiting for an answer she was just on a rampage. She stepped back again and unzipped her skirt letting it pool around her ankles and she walked out of it. "Ever wonder why I never let you go down on me?" Santana asked her and her vision of Brittany was blurred by the tears. "Huh?" Brittany took this as a question in need of an answer so she shook her head. "Here." She pointed down to her hips and upper thighs. "Look." She screamed and motioned for Brittany to come closer and she did, tentatively. She grabbed Brittany's hand once she was close enough. "Feel this. You see." She guided Brittany's fingers over old scars, healing ones and ones yet to start healing. "I'm scarred, not just on the outside." She spoke softly this time letting her grip on Brittany loosen. "See you can't love me. I'm not the one people love. I'm just the one they pass the time with." She said and finally her hand drops completely from Brittany. "So please, just go. Go and stop making me feel things because it's too exhausting." She hung her head and waved the blonde off. "Stop making me want to give you things that I know I can't. Being around you just… reminds me."_

"_What?"_

"_When I'm around you I am constantly reminded of the moments I wish I could erase that I wish I could wash off of me and out of me. Whenever someone was touching me I wished it was you. I pictured your face because it made it easier to get through. And I blamed you when it was over because if I was with you, like with you then this wouldn't be happening to me." She fell to the floor hysterically crying. All of her words had literally tumbled out in sobs and her chest heaved to catch her breath. She looked quite like a small child collapsing after a tantrum. "I tried to hate you because of it and that's why I push you away. And I hate myself because of it. I hate myself." Her hair was a mess and she was completely distraught._

"_That kid, yeah, he took my virginity but he took me right along with it too. The person I was supposed to be, the happiness I was supposed to have. I'm nothing and I have nothing to give. And each one after that kept taking bits and pieces and chunks of me leaving me with nothing to hold on to. So see, you can't love me. I'm unlovable. I can't give you anything." She paused. "Don't tell me this scares you, because… you weren't there when I had to lay there with my face pushed into the ground wondering if after this person is done with me if they are going to kill me. You never had to worry if your brother's friend was going to come sneaking into your bedroom in the middle of the night like he did the weekend before. You never had to worry if your parents could see it, could smell or feel it coming off of you. That you aren't their little girl anymore and that night of your mother's surprise party you were late because some jock had you bent over his mothers oak coffee table while you screamed inside because you wished you were somewhere else, someone else. You've never woken up not knowing where you are, but when you move you have this pain that's let's you know what had happened." She watcheed Brittany sniffle and try to fight the tears that had already been pouring down her face. "I can't make you happy Brittany. I don't know how. I'd let you down, I'd break you and I can't do that because, I could… I could fall in love with you."_

"_I'm not going anywhere." Brittany muttered. "I love you Santana." She sniffled and Santana shook her head._

"_You shouldn't." She told her._

"_But I do."_

"_How can I protect you when I can't even protect myself?"_

"_Let me protect you." She offered and Santana slowly lifted her head. _

"_At least… at least for a little while." _

"_How does forever sound?"_

_

* * *

_

"How come she never told anyone?" Quinn asks sipping from her mug and tucking her feet under her. Brittany looks to her hands and shrugs.

"I'm not sure." Brittany admits broken hearted. "I think that maybe she thought no one would believe her." She lifts her gaze from her hands over to the mug that Quinn had her fingers wrapped around. "I mean, she kept it to herself for so long, that by the time she told me… she kind of already had…"

"A reputation." Quinn begrudgingly finishes her sentence and Brittany's eyes drop back down to her own hands again, unfortunately nodding with confirmation.

"I think that sometimes she thinks it made her stronger." She speaks up after the uncomfortable silence became too much for her. She can see Quinn tilt her head to the side in question out of the corner of her eye. "That keeping inside and holding on to everything they hadn't taken away from her, gave her power. That she could be in control. That she is in control." She finishes and finally let's herself look over to Quinn. Brittany can see the tears in her friend's eyes wanting to come tumbling down, but Quinn won't allow them to. They both know that Brittany isn't telling her so that she can feel sorry for Santana she's telling her so that she knows her.


	2. First Time

**First Time**

Brittany is sitting on the couch flipping through the channels when Quinn comes bounding through the door. Books in her hands, bag hanging off of her shoulder and glasses on her head she lets out a sigh of relief as she shuts the door behind her with her foot and walks further into the apartment.

"No more finals. Last one done." She notes off to her friend still mindlessly going from channel to channel. "And you and I are taking a four day weekend before heading home for break." She grins over to her friend letting her books fall to the table and her bag to slip down her arm to the floor. "And do you know what's better than a four day weekend B?" Brittany turns her full attention to Quinn.

"What's that?"

"A four day weekend with no Santana." Quinn announces but the wink she sends her friend lets her know she is only joking.

"I miss her." Brittany admits looking back to the television longingly.

"Sweetie she left yesterday." Quinn reminds her grabbing a water bottle from the fridge and walking over to lean on the back of the couch. "Besides you'll see her Tuesday." She shrugs taking a quick gulp and then smiles at her friend.

"I know." Brittany smirks. She knows it's silly to miss Santana when she is going to see her soon, but it's fact, she misses her regardless of how long they're apart or how short they're apart as the case may be.

"Besides she was getting all kinds of cranky for the past week. She kept snapping at me." Quinn protests standing up straight and nodding remembering the little fight she and her friend had gotten into over toothpaste. Brittany looks away and down to her hands.

"I still don't understand why she had to leave yesterday." Quinn muses to herself more than to Brittany.

"I told you she was asked to attend an assembly at McKinley as a guest speaker." Brittany vaguely reminds her and Quinn furrows her brow at her friend. "She said she had to prepare fully for it." Quinn rolls her eyes imagining Santana actually preparing for something that had anything to do with their old high school.

"Yeah." She nods remembering her friend telling her that, but she never told her what the assembly was about. "Is it like, career day or something?" Quinn probes to which Brittany responds with a soft 'no'. "Okay, well what is it for then?" She figures instead of playing 20 questions with her friend it would be a whole lot easier to just get to the point. But Brittany's head hung at the question and her eyes fell back to her hand that still had the remote in it.

She knew that one day Quinn would find out everything. She had always assumed that one day Santana would sit her down and tell her everything that had happened. That she would explain to Quinn and Brittany would be there to hold her hand as she told her.

But that is not how it seemed to work out. Brittany kind of understood the reasoning behind it all. How it winds up being her to explain, to tell and relive. I mean, can you even relive something you weren't technically a part of? But this was the plan from the beginning of the month when Santana had gotten the phone call. Brittany was hesitant, but she agreed, she understood so she agreed.

"What's with the long face B you look like someone ran over your puppy?" Quinn asks leaning over the back of the couch towards the other blonde. Brittany finally looks up from her hands and to Quinn and forces out a friendly smile. "You know I was seriously kidding about S not being here and me being happy. I mean yeah, she has gotten better since high school but she still has mood swings." Quinn tries to fix it but she can't help it because, well, this is Santana. She may be very different from her ways in high school but some things will forever stay the same.

"I know she was kind of mean and… harder then but she had her reasons." Brittany tries to explain and Quinn can't hide the snort that comes out.

"What kind of reasons?"

"She went through a lot of stuff." Brittany shrugs her shoulders suddenly feeling incapable of doing this. This wasn't as easy as Santana had made it sound.

"Oh what did daddy cut her allowance down from $500 to $300?" She sarcastically laughs out and rolls her eyes. "Please B, that girl had no issues at all. Some people are just, the way they are because they can be and because they want to be." Brittany shakes her head, her eyes fixed on her hands in her lap. "Don't get me wrong, I still love her. But I mean, like, me I totally had an issue." She points to herself getting Brittany's attention once more. "Did Santana get pregnant sophomore year and give her baby up for adoption?" She shakes her head.

"Quinn I need to tell you something." Brittany finally speaks out and Quinn's head slowly jerks back because Brittany's voice sounds weird its so, serious. "You should probably sit down." She suggests and Quinn's eyebrows furrow.

"Oh my god Britt is everything okay?" She asks quickly taking a seat next to her friend. "Are you and Santana breaking up?"

"No not even." Brittany quickly puts out there shaking her head furiously. "So not even." Quinn looks harder at her friend trying to figure it out.

"Oh, did someone in her family pass away is that why she went home before us?" Quinn asks in a soft worried voice. Losing a family member is never easy to deal with. But Brittany shakes her head. "Well what is it then you're kind of freaking me out here." Quinn presses, urging her friend to spill.

"There are some things about Santana that nobody knows." Brittany starts and she can't find it in her to look over to her friend who is now sitting beside her on the couch. "Not even some of her family."

"Well, we all have things we keep from our family." Quinn interjects easily. "Like my mom never knew that senior year I used to sneak out of my room at night so that I could come hangout with you and Santana." She offers, she knows that's not a huge secret to keep, but still, it's something that she has never admitted to her mom even though it was so long ago.

"It's not anything like that Q." Brittany sighs out getting fidgety with skirting around the story she is about to tell her friend. "It's personal stuff." She tells her and Quinn tilts her head wondering what kind of personal stuff Brittany could possibly be talking about. "And after I tell you, well, then you'll understand her more, I think anyway. You'll understand why she was the way she was in high school." She finally looks over to her friend who just looks confused. "She's been through things that, I can't even imagine going through." She shudders as she thinks of all of those things and shuts her eyes tightly trying to stop the images from clouding her brain.

"B, it can't be that bad." Quinn reaches down to squeeze her friend's hand.

"It's not." Brittany says softly looking down at their hands in her lap. "It's worse." She whispers glancing back up at her friend. "She was twelve years old when it first happened."

* * *

_She was twelve years old when it first happened._

_She was at a pool party at her aunt and uncles house for her older cousins 15th birthday. Her aunt and uncle had just come into money and were not only celebrating their daughter's birthday but their new built in pool and decked out backyard. Santana remembers her reaction when she had first seen all of the new contraptions that her Uncle Javie had bought to decorate around the pool._

_There was the neat looking pool house where they kept the lounge chairs in along with the swimmies for the babies and the other floaties. Connected to the small pool house was the shed that Uncle Javie said he needed to keep all of the chemicals for the pool along with the skimmer and various supplies for cleaning. That part she was not so impressed about, but she could not wait to hang out with her cousins in the cool pool house._

_Since everything that was stored in there was currently in use it was relatively empty and the teenagers were way too cool to be caught dead playing in their bathing suits in front of parents and family members of their friend. Plus they were 15 years old and wanted alone time with their boyfriends and girlfriends and use adult language without getting chastised for it._

_Of course her aunt and uncle didn't really care so much that the teens were more interested in the silly pool house rather than the extravagant built in pool with slide and diving board, at least they knew where the kids were. Santana had over heard her mother and aunt so many times talking about teenage parties these days and how they hate the idea of the parents not being there. At least here, Santana thought, since parents were around, her mother would be more than okay if she hung out with the older crowd. Plus, her cousins were there, it's not she was hanging out with strangers._

_So as soon as she spotted her cousin Samantha, a year older than Santana, they decide that this was their summer to get to hang out with the cool kids. When they were younger Santana and Sam were really close with Lily, the 15 year old, but they noticed that as they got old the age gap and difference strained their relationship with Lily. But, they figured that not only now since they were in double digits, and went to school where they used lockers, that they were finally going to be able to start hanging out with her again._

_Santana wasn't stupid, she knew that the way to get back in with Lily was going to have to be through her friends. Of course if she and Sam just started tagging along Lily was going to just call them annoying and they'd be banished. But Santana got her period for the first time at the beginning of the summer, and according to her mother she was a woman now so there was no way Lily was going to be able to get away with the excuse of her being just a kid._

_Luckily for Santana, she was always being told she looked older than she really was. This proved to be useful in so many ways. Like when she and her friends wanted to rent pg13 movies, she's even managed to get away with a pack of cigarettes here and there because the store around school thinks she looks 15 which is almost 16 which for them seems close enough to 19 for them. Funny thing was though, when she would tell people her real age they would step back and glance her over and then say 'hey now that you say that yeah, you are a little kid'. It seemed that her perfected scowl and glare and cold shoulder business made her look older. Whatever though, she'll take it. Especially if it got her the things she wanted._

_Her family started migrating towards little made groups to relatives they got along with to talk about the ones they didn't get along with. The young kids latched on to their parent's legs and whined for juice and candy and where the cake was. The kind of older kids meandered around aimlessly with water guns shooting them into the dirt and into trees and randomly at each other, eventually forming one group of them and trying to make up games. The almost teens moped inside the house their bathing suits underneath long t shirts because they aren't comfortable with their bodies yet. Then there are the teenagers. The group Santana felt more like than the other groups._

_Before she had left her house she had carefully placed her new red bikini on and admired herself in her full length mirror. At first she had cursed everyone in the word when she had gotten her period back at the end of May. But as she inspected the top of her bathing suit she couldn't help but thank womanhood for finally rearing its head. She also had to thank the genes in her family for the wonderful assets she could already tell were going to be a delight to own. Sure her chest was obviously not finished growing, but she was more than excited to show off what she had so far, which was a whole lot more than the girls in her school._

_She was not at all surprised that while she and Sam lounged by the pool when two boys from her cousins grade came over and started talking to them. They sat down at the end of both of the girl's lounge chairs and started talking about high school and how awesome it was and that they were on their school's football team. Pretty soon the foursome that were sitting by the pool turned into a bigger group of people and suddenly all of the Lily's friends and Lily herself were hanging out in the pool house, along with Santana and Sam._

_The two girls couldn't be happier that they were finally back in with their older cousin. She spoke to them like her equal and her friends were cool with them too and the boys, well the boys were totally flirting with them. Santana felt high on life and like she had finally found her place. She felt popular and like she was on top. All of the boys were trying to sit next to her and talk to her and all of the girls were fawning over how beautiful her hair was and that she did not act like a middle schooler._

_Her plan was most definitely falling into place. She knew that when her time for high school was to come she was going to be more than prepared to climb that social ladder and that she would without a doubt be the coolest person at McKinley. _

_The sun was setting and families were leaving taking away their annoying babies, there temper tantrum toddlers, their strange children and their awkward pre-teens. Santana said goodbye to her parents because she, just like every year for her cousin's birthday, was sleeping over for the night. She said goodbye to Sam as she and her family were leaving and promised Sam that she would inform her of everything fantastic she did with the cool kids tonight._

_Once everyone was gone the teens decided to take the party elsewhere. Lily had to practically beg her parents to let her take Santana along with her, promising to keep an eye on her and make sure she was safe. Santana rolled her eyes at the rules her aunt and uncle were tossing at her cousin and she was almost certain that if they kept going Lily would just give up and leave her behind. Luckily Lily hadn't gotten irritated by the questions of where they were going, what they would be doing and if parents were going to be present._

_Santana assumed the answers were anything but true. She knew that her cousin went to house parties where older kids hung out and drank and did things that she probably didn't even know about. But she could not wait to find out what those other things were because she was ready to be one of the older kids. So, she would do what they did, laugh when they laughed even if she didn't understand, and if she had to she would drink some beer._

_The group was ready to leave in the direction of the woods right behind Lily's house that would lead to the town just a few minutes away and go to one of Lily's friend's house. As they walked in clumps of groups randomly into the woods chatter picked up and Santana heard the kids that had previously in the day spoke so politely around her family start using profanity she didn't even understand. One kid pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a group of them all started smoking on their journey. Another kid pulled out a flask from his jacket and started passing it around to his bodies._

_As she was taking in everything going on around her she felt someone sidle up next to her and snake their arm into hers. She looks over to find her cousin smiling and acting all giddy beside her._

_"Davis just told me he wants to get some alone time with you." She nudgesdher shoulder into Santana's letting her know this is a good thing and that the boy was interested in her. "So you should totally fall back because," She looked over her shoulder and then back to her little cousin. "He is so waiting for you back there." She motioned to the boy who had fallen from the pack and looked like he was waiting for someone._

_Without any questions Santana watched Lily skip ahead to her friends leaving Santana to slowly fall out of step and soon was walking behind the rest of everyone. Her steps became even slower and less frequent as she nervously waited for the cute boy that had talked to her by the pool earlier in the day to catch up to her. When she felt him come up beside her she glanced over and smiled._

_"Hey." He said flashing his charming smile that the moonlight allowed her to see._

_"Hey." She replied biting her lower lip._

_"So you having fun tonight?" He asked her trying to walk as close to her as possible but without touching her. She nods and hums her response and he nods at her answer. "I couldn't believe it when your cousin told me you're twelve I would definitely not think that at all." He stammers trying to sound cool and mature and like he knows what older women look like. She grins to herself loving the compliment and the fact that he is willing to over look her age. She whips her head in his direction when she feels him slip his hand into hers. "Come on let's go this way, I know a short cut." He tells her and without waiting for a response he pulls her off of the trail that the rest of the group had been taking and into the brush, vanishing from sight into the woods._

_They walked in silence for a few minutes until he finally spoke up talking about things that Santana couldn't even hear or pay attention to because all she could hear was her heart beating like crazy in her chest that it was echoing into her ears. He led her to a very small clearing, probably about the size of a walk in closet and stopped them. He smiled over at her and nodded up to the sky. She looked up and gasped. _

_Right above their heads it was void of trees and other various plant like that could have been in their way, and it was a clear view of the night sky. The moon was half full and the stars twinkled against the dark blue of the sky._

_"Wow it's beautiful." She whispered and felt her breath catch when she felt him move behind her and wrap his arms around her waist._

_"You're beautiful." His mouth was by her ear and his breath hit her sending shivers down her spine to her legs to her toes. She pushed her back more into him kind of liking the closeness he was providing them. She felt his head move and soon his lips were placing small kisses on her neck and he moaned on her skin._

_Nervously she turned in his arms and looked into his eyes, but the dark didn't let her see them and she could only really make out the moisture on his lips as he licked them. Before she could even react his lips were on hers. This was her first kiss. She didn't know how to do it, but she tried to copy him in hope that he could not feel her inexperience._

_She figured he can't tell the difference because he kept kissing her and soon his hands were moving up and down her back and then his fingers were trying to slip under her shirt. She grabbed his hands and tried to stop them from their ministrations and he giggled into the kiss pulling his lips from hers and she assumed he was looking at her, but she still couldn't see his eyes._

_"Come on, I'm not going to hurt you." He assured her and then leaned in to kiss her again and she let him._

_They were kissing, that's all, and it was okay, nice she guessed but she had nothing to really compare it to. But the kissing moved to kisses on her neck and then her strap to her tank top is pushed to the side along with her bra strap and his lips were on her bare skin of her shoulder. His hands are trying to bunch her shirt up and she felt his hands graze the skin of her stomach, her sides, her back and then reaching up to her chest._

_She thinks she said 'no' and 'stop' but her brain was so loud and she didn't hear the words herself, so how could he have? She thinks she pushed him or at least tried to when she felt her feet moving backwards as he was forcing them into motion. Her feet stumbled when there was a stick in her way, and then a rock but she didn't fall because his hands and arms were still all over her, holding her up, holding her into him._

_She thinks she pulled her lips from his and asked him to 'please stop', but he didn't stop. Santana felt the bark of a tree hit her back and it hurt and was digging in to her skin and she just hoped that he didn't keep trying to pull her top up because she couldn't imagine how the bark would feel digging in to bare skin._

_She tried to catch his hands when they reached for the zipper of her skirt and when she grabbed his wrist he pulled it away from her. He told her that everything was going to be okay and that she should just relax and that he won't hurt her. He told her that he was going to make her feel good and that she was beautiful and then he kisses her cheek and then the corner of her mouth._

_She felt foolish and immature at her insecurities and she didn't try to grab his wrist when he slid his hand up her shirt and grabbed at her breasts over the cloth of her bra. She felt his hips grind into her and she got nervous. He brought his lips to her ear and she could hear him panting and then he whispered that she was beautiful again and she got this butterfly like feeling in her stomach. She'd never had a boy tell her she was beautiful like that._

_His grabbing and groping became more frantic and she tried to pull away and push off of the tree but he was too strong for her. She pulled her lips from his and they were both out of breath. She told him that they should get going but he shook his head and kissed her neck. She told him that she's not sure she was ready to do other things and he giggled at her admission and told her that it was okay and that he'd be gentle with her._

_She was scared because she didn't want to be a little kid anymore but she was not sure if she was ready to go any further than kissing. But she knew if she kept protesting that he was going to mock her and probably tell everyone when they got to the party what a loser she was. So she continued to let him kiss her skin and her face and her lips and let him keep on grabbing her chest under her shirt._

_Her body tensed when she felt one of his hands slide down her front and down to the bottom of her skirt and tickle her thigh. His fingers danced on the inside of her thigh slowly inching up until his fingers grazed her in her most personal spot. A spot no one had ever touched, a spot not even she had touched except for when she ass washing herself in the shower. A special spot, she had been told. Her body reacted on instinct and her legs squeezed together tight catching his hands between them._

_He laughed again but his lips were still kissing her face and his other hand had moved to her hair and the back of her head. He told her that this was what people do in the woods. They sneak off to that clearing to hook up and that everyone did it. He told her that was why he wanted to walk with her alone and why he brought her there. He softly told her that she should have known what they were going to be doing. She didn't question him because she had hoped she would get a kiss from him, but she didn't know for sure. And she didn't know it would be more than kissing._

_He twisted his hand between her legs and she let them part again and felt him brush his hand on that spot again. She shook her head and pulled back from his lips as she had done so many times that night. She told him he was moving too fast, but he pressed on telling her that she needed to trust him and that he wasn't going to tell anyone and promised that it was going to be fun._

_There were leaves in her hair and she could feel the stems of them as they scratched and dug in to her scalp. Her skirt was pushed up over her stomach and her underwear was pulled off of one leg completely, dangled from her left ankle and draped over her sandal. Her tank top was lifted up to just under her chin but her bra was still on and she could feel his hands grab and squeeze her skin under the cloth._

_In between her legs hurt and she was trying to close them but he was in between them making the task difficult to do. She tried to bring her hands down to him and push him away but when she moved he grabbed her wrists and slammed them to the ground, the skin on skin that hard burned her. Her mouth was open wide and she thinks she was screaming but again, she couldn't hear anything except for the pounding in her chest and the faint sound of his heavy breathing and grunts._

_She turned her head to the side not wanting to look at his dark figure over her and she felt the dirt and the leaves stick to her face, sticking to her skin thanks to the wetness on her cheeks. She was crying, uncontrollably sobbing into the quiet night air, her heaving breathes were muted by the still summer night in the middle of the woods. The group of teenagers she had been walking with, long gone by about a half hour or so._

_She couldn't speak. Her brain was frantically racing around what was going on and her body was tense but limp all at the same time. She felt his hand come to her cheek and he leaned down and her face was soon being pushed into the dirt. Her mind knew her body was moving, her chest was going up and down from the sobs raking through her body and the breathes she was so desperately tried to take in to yell 'stop' and 'get off of me' and her hands were trying to break free from his grasp._

_Santana laid in the blowup mattress that night wondering if she cried if she would be capable to just blame it on the fact that she wanted to go home. But that was so childish. She thought about leaving, without telling anyone, slipping off into the night and walking home. It wasn't like she lived that far away. But that was stupid._

_She turned a little in the air bed and winced in pain. Everywhere hurt. The inside of her thighs hurt and she was certain there were going to be bruises the next day. Her wrists felt slightly raw from being held down by other skin that gave her Indian burns every time she tried to pull away. She felt raw somewhere else she didn't even know that the feeling could exist there. She felt dirty. It felt that no matter how many times she showered he was still all over her. She felt like he stole something from her. Something that she was never going to be able to get back. Obviously she took sex ed two years ago and her school has this weird thing in 5th grade where they prepare you for the changes in your body and explain safe sex and those things. She knew he took other things along with the unspoken. He took her virginity. She was no longer pure. She was tainted goods and she was sure that from now on she was going to look different. She was going to look dirty and used._

_Not being able to get comfortable she needed to go to the bathroom to wash away the tears and the dirt from the ground she had been held down to only a few hours ago. She didn't even have to worry about making noise because Lily wasn't home yet and Sam had to leave for camp the next day so she couldn't stay over. She carefully walked down the hallway to the bathroom hoping she didn't have to go through the painful interrogation of her cousin who was bound to come home wasted or her uncle or aunt for that matter. Finally she lets out a breath when she safely reaches the bathroom and locks the door behind her._

_With her eyes shut tight she turns to place her hands on the counter in front of the sink and stands in front of the mirror. When she opened her eyes she barely noticed herself. She had tear stain tracks down her cheeks, popping out thanks to the dirt that lightly covered her skin. Her hair was mussed up and going in all different directions. Her lower lip was bleeding slightly and as her fingers graze it she recalls the bite the boy had given her when he started breathing heavier. She looked around the bathroom wondering what she was going to do. She went back to her cousin's bedroom and grabbed her overnight bag for her pajamas, face wash and toothbrush. Slowly she removed her clothing her top hitting the floor she looked around her torso and noticed a small bruise forming on her right breast where Davis had pinched._

_She unzipped the side of her skirt and slowly shimmied it down her body until it hit her feet at the floor. As she pulled up she allowed her eyes to travel the length of her own body. Her legs were randomly brushed with dirt, a little mud, there was a scratch just above her thigh but below her hip that looked like it came from the teenage boys most likely untrimmed finger nails from when he tore off her underwear. It was then that she realized her underwear was torn off in such haste that it was all stretched out beyond repair. Not only was that a problem that ruined the undergarment, but her eyes widened in horror when she saw the blood that had seeped into the cotton panties. She clenched her teeth and tightly shut her eyes cringing at the idea that this was happening. She knew that girls were supposed to bleed when this happened, but she didn't know this much. She wasn't sure if this was like getting her period._

_Not wanting to chance ruining her aunt's linens she opted to protect herself either way. But as she went through the cabinets in the bathroom she became discouraged taking note that her aunt and cousin were clearly only tampon users. So without any further options she settled for it because there was no way she was going to sleep with toilet paper stashed in her panties._

_Being the first time to use a tampon Santana had to read the directions, which when she was 10 at that seminar and given a box of tampons and pads she had joked about tampons having written and graphic directions, but right now she was grateful. So she lifted her leg placing her foot onto the toilet as the directions suggested, but as she tried to insert the tampon her body tensed and pain surged through her body causing her to whimper out. She cups her hand over her mouth trying to muffle the sounds of her pains. This was not going to be working out and she was going to have to settle for stashing toilet paper into her underwear for the night._

_When she was done changing into clean clothes, washed her face, brushed her teeth and fixed her hair she turned to the discarded clothes on the floor. Without another thought she bent down and folded each article neatly placing the clothes into a plastic bag she had brought for her dirty clothes. After the final piece of clothing she tied up the bag and carefully put it into her duffle bag. She tossed her bag of her shoulder and headed back to Lily's room to find her cousin sprawled out on her bed with her clothes from the night still on and her shoes kicked off at the bottom of her bed. She puts her bag down by the bed and slips back onto the blow up mattress next to the bed._

_She lets out a long sigh and closes her eyes prepared for the sleep to take her away from the nights events and hopefully erase them as well. But as she tried to force herself to think of other things in this black silence she heard her cousin's voice._

_"Did you have fun tonight?" She asks, her voice is hoarse and it sounds like she was drinking whiskey and smoking cigars Santana thinks. She doesn't answer because she is afraid everything will come out if she opens her mouth. "Davis said he totally wants to hang out with you again. He said for a 12 year old you're really mature and super cool." Lily explains to her cousin whose eyes shoot open and widen at the idea of seeing this kid again. "He said you're totally hot too. I was pretty bummed you didn't come back to the party. But he said that you weren't feeling well." Lily goes on mumbling in her drunken state and Santana wonders if she is even trying to have a conversation with her or its just rambling on for the hell of it. "Are you feeling any better now?" Santana doesn't answer her again, because, well, she's gotten this far in the conversation without having to say anything. "Santana?" She hears Lily ask again but this time there's shuffling in the bed. "San, are you feeling any better?" Santana swallows hard and she clears her throat._

_"Yeah, I have cramps, I think I'm getting my period." She lies through her teeth._

_"Oh, do you want Midol?" Lily offers but Santana shakes her head. "Okay, if you do there's some in the cabinet. Night."_

_"Night." Santana replies after she hears her cousin turn on her side and bury her head into the pillow._

_The next day came and went like a blur. She woke up in the same position she had remembered rolling into and was surprised that she had fallen asleep in the first place. She denied breakfast from her aunt and cousin telling them she didn't feel good, blaming her state of being on female problems. They were female problems, just not the ones she had eluded them to._

_By noon her mother was parked in front of the house and chatting with her aunt and uncle. She barely said goodbye to her cousin in fear of being found out. Not being able to look her in the eye for fear she already knew, wondering if that boy had gone to the party and told everyone what had happened. She couldn't even look at her mother as she brushed passed the adults standing by the door. She needed to get home, into her world, into her safe haven, into her childhood again._

_She was embarrassed. Nervous, that her family would find out and look down on her. It frightened her to be found out, the mere thought of her mother or father knowing what she had done last night made her sick to her stomach. Even more so than the actually event itself. She mumbled a thank you to her aunt and uncle when she walked down the steps and headed straight to the car._

_Most of the ride was silent except for the obvious questions her mother would ask. If she had fun, if she liked Lily's friends, if she made any new friends. She had all of the answers to these questions but she lied._

_"Yeah." She told her mother forcing a smile on her lips but kept her stare forward. Sure she could act like she was happy and had a great time and yeah it was lying, she was cool with that. But she couldn't directly do that to her mother's face, so no eye contact would have to do for now._

_When they had gotten home Santana went straight to the bathroom to shower. She hadn't been able to shower since, the incident because by the time she got back to her aunts it was too late. She knew she would wake up her family and then would be bombarded with questions. Santana used most of the shampoo as she tried to wash the woods and smell of his panting breath from her hair. Her body wash, which had been half way full yesterday was now empty as she used the rest of it to wash off the feeling of his hands, his lips, his tongue and other various parts of his body._

_When she was certain there was no more body wash left she sat down in the shower and pulled her legs to her chest letting her head hang onto her knees. She wanted to cry. Her eyes were squinted in that way you do just before the tears fall down. But she couldn't, nothing would come out no matter how hard she tried. Her eyes scanned her body up and down wondering if there were any places she had missed fearing that once she was out of the shower she would catch a smell that lingered on her of him._

_There was a light knock on her door when she realized that she was not in the shower anymore. She was lying on her stomach with her head on her pillow. Her eyes that were a little blurry let her in on the fact that she had to have fallen asleep. She muttered a sleepy 'come in' and within seconds her best friend Brittany bounded her way across the room jumping onto the bed next to Santana._

_"Hey San." Brittany beamed resting her head on her fists looking over at a very tired Santana who tried to return the smile._

_"Hey B." She replied and turned on her side._

_"You look tired." Brittany pointed out and rested her head the same way Santana had her head. Santana nodded. "You want to just watch a movie and be lazy today?" She asked with a small smile. Santana nodded again letting a small yawn out. "Great I'm going to pick out a movie." Brittany announced jumping up from the bed and headed to the door. Before she left however, she turned to look back at her friend that had been watching her. "Hey San?" She pauses waiting for a response of some sort and she tilts her head to the side._

_"Yeah?"_

_"You look different." Brittany told her. Santana's head jerked back freaking out a bit. If Brittany could see she was different than surely everybody could. She panicked._

_"Bad different?" She nervously asked her. It was the only thing she could think to say without giving herself away. Brittany took in the question, letting it simmer in her mind as she contemplated the answer. Her lips twisted as she eyed her friend up a little longer and then she shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know." Her voice trailed off slightly because she truly did not know. "Just, different." She added._


	3. No Place to Hide

**_thank you to everyone who reviewed the first two parts to this story._**

**_warnings from the first two parts are applicable to this as well so beware._**

**_when you're done please review and share your thoughts and feelings._**

* * *

**No Place to Hide**

"And she didn't tell anyone." Quinn wasn't asking a question, no, not at all. She was speaking in such a soft and distant voice, talking to herself, telling herself the horror of one of her closest friends keeping this a secret. She can see Brittany shaking her head from the corner of her eye. "What did you mean, when you said she looked different?" Quinn asks finally lifting her head to gage her friend's emotional state so far.

"I could see it, in her eyes, her mouth and the way she was breathing. I could see something was off, different…" Brittany shrugs her shoulders bringing her cup to her lips and swallowing roughly the luke warm liquid. "I knew something was wrong." Quinn casts her eyes down to her own lap, she knows the feeling of knowledge but not having the power to do anything about it but this was different, she could not relate to this whatsoever.

So they sat there in silence for a few more minutes with Brittany contemplating how to continue the story and with Quinn wishing the story never started. She couldn't imagine or even fathom the next chapter because the first was unbearable to sit through. She looks up when she hears Brittany take in a deep breath and place her mug down onto the coffee table.

"For a week or so she was quiet and a little distant. She would tell me she was fine and I let it go because, well, you know how she is. If you want answers you just have to wait until she's ready." Brittany sighs out pulling her knees to her chest and looking down at the fabric of the pillow by her feet. "So I dropped it and we spent the rest of the summer pretending she was okay and when school came it was easier for her to get lost, easier for her to act like everything was perfect."

"But it wasn't was it?" Quinn sighs out shaking her head, Brittany joining her in the action, both of them unable to look one another in the eye at this admission. "How could it be?" Again, it wasn't a question, more of a declaration to herself and to Brittany and to her friend who wasn't here right now.

"She told me that she hoped that the last year of middle school would allow her to move on from it and forget it even happened." Brittany reaches over to grab her mug once again, cradling it in her hand carefully as though it were holding something important. "That maybe if she 'owned' it and made it something that didn't own her she could get passed it without having to ever relive it or think about it again." She looks up to Quinn as she sips her drink, her friend nervously waiting for yet another bomb to be dropped on her in the form of words and horrible childhood stories. "I mean, it was so easy for a while because she had us, her family and the safety of her home to feel the comfort of letting herself forget it, you know." Quinn nods but she stops, her eyes flickering in front of her from Brittany's mug to the table to her own hands and her mouth opens slightly.

"Oh my god." Quinn breathes out taking in some air that didn't feel like enough. Her eyes dart to Brittany's and her lower lip quivers, the words that she is thinking she can't even utter, she doesn't even want to say them. She kind of feared them, even just the thought of them.

* * *

_It was the middle of October and it was Santana's 13__th__ birthday, she was having a sleepover with her closest friends. Her parents decided that since there were far too many girls to fit in Santana's bedroom that they'd move the party down to the basement. So all day before the party Santana, Brittany and Quinn set up the basement for the party of the year, they went to the video store and got a bunch of chick flicks, a couple scary movies and some Disney movies to ensure they'd have happy dreams and not nightmares._

_The rest of the girls arrived right on time and they took refuge in the basement munching on pizza and chips and enjoying some root beer floats. A few movies and several friendship bracelets later the girls got bored of the regular slumber party check list and opted for a new addition to their teenage sleepovers._

"_Let's play truth or dare." Sarah excitedly suggested clapping and looking around at the other girls faces. Brittany looked from Sarah to Santana as if asking what the game meant._

"_Yeah, my sister used to play this with her friends." Quinn chimed in with a soft and innocent smile. "They would make each other run around the yard with only their bra on, oh and one time they dared my sister to finish off a whole can of whipped cream." She giggled as if her sister lived on the edge. Santana rolled her eyes because the game sounded kind of childish, but most of the other girls seemed into the idea. And who was she to be a party pooper._

"_Yeah sounds fun." She pretended to be into it and motioned for them all to sit in a circle. "So who's gonna start?" She asked looking around._

"_Well it's your birthday so, why don't you?" Lauren offered. _

"_Oh or do you want to be asked first because it's your birthday?" Quinn squealed getting a little too excited for the game and Santana couldn't help but think that the only time Quinn gets out of the house was when Santana actually invites her over._

"_Quinn truth or dare?" Santana sighed out wanting to get the show on the road here. The blonde tapped her chin once before giving her answer._

"_Truth." She decided on and Santana took a moment to think of a really good question._

"_Okay." She stalled wanting this to be good and juicy. "Did you really make out with Karofsky at the winter dance last year?" She finally chose and the other girls gasped and turn their wide eyed stares to the blonde in question. Quinn cheeks turned a shade of pink clearly embarrassed._

"_No." She told them and some of the girl's shoulders slump like they had been waiting for some great gossip._

"_That's not what he said." Santana interjected breaking the astonished silence. Quinn's head whipped up in her direction._

"_Well it's not true." Quinn adamantly denied it her eyebrows furrowed as she spoke. Santana shrugged her shoulders and turned her head to see where her soda had gone. "What? You don't believe me?" She questioned her friend's attitude towards her answer. Santana looked back at her and shrugged her shoulders again while taking a sip from her cup. "Why would I lie?"_

"_Don't worry about it Q. Guys just say things sometimes to keep their image up." Lauren explained looking around the room and getting a few nods and a couple of 'yea's to go along with it. "He totally said that you guys made out to impress his friends. It's not a big deal." She assured her placing a gentle friendly hand on Quinn's shoulder, Santana watched the exchange carefully and wondered if Lauren would say the same thing if the things guys said were in fact true._

"_Brittany truth or dare?" Quinn turned to Brittany who had been trying to stay out of the conflict that had arisen. She slowly looked up from the bowl of chips in her lap._

"_Umm, dare." She grinned looking over at Santana when she felt her best friend tap her arm and nod in approval._

"_Okay, I dare you to make out with Santana's brother." Quinn dared and laughter erupted in the basement from all of the girls except Brittany and Santana._

"_Ew no that's gross." Santana yelled trying to keep herself from spitting out her soda. Quinn looked at her funny and then to Brittany._

"_Yeah it's kinda gross Quinn. Tony is like, my brother that would just be weird." Brittany explained why she and Santana are not as amused as the other girls and frankly on the verge of puking at the prospect._

"_Okay." Quinn drew out letting the laughter subside and trying to think of another dare. "Well what about his friend?" Quinn quirked one of her perfect eyebrows at the best friends. "Billy is sleeping over tonight right? He's not like your brother right?" She smirked and glanced between the girls who were seriously questioning Quinn's purity right now._

"_No." Brittany answered the last question and then looks to Santana._

"_Fine, but I'm coming with you. Make sure he doesn't try any funny business." She suggested and as she got up she offered her pinky to her friend._

_Santana and Brittany made their way up the basement stairs and then to the stairs leading to the second floor and found themselves standing outside of Tony's bedroom door. They tried their best to hold in their girly giggles but they couldn't help it because they could hear the two friends on the other side singing along to one of their video games and getting way too excited about their progression in the game._

_Santana lifted her hand to the door and knocked softly a few times and when she heard the game pause and silence on the other side she just patiently waited for her brother to open up. When he did he sighed and rolled his eyes saying, 'oh it's you, what do you want?' to which she responded with her own eye and explained why they are there._

"_Oh I see. That's kind of weird." Tony let out jerking his head back._

"_What's weird dude?" Billy asked from behind them, still sitting on the bean bag chair in front of the television with the controller in hand. Tony stepped aside and opened the door more to reveal who he had been talking to. "Oh hey girls." Billy nodded and winked at them. "Sup?" Santana couldn't help but internally gag at this kids 'game'._

"_Umm, here's the sitch. Britt's here just got dared to make out with you. So if you could help us out that would be fantastic." Santana explained and he grinned widely eyeing both girls up._

"_Well, well." Billy hopped up from his seat and tossed the controller where his butt had made an imprint. "If we do more do you get extra points?" Brittany looked to Santana who was carefully watching Billy who was about to get gropy with Brittany._

"_Listen sticky fingers, kissing that's it. Got it?" Santana stepped in front of Brittany before Billy could lay a hand on her. He lifted his arms up in defeat._

"_Yeah, yeah. Don't gotta get all angry." He told her letting his arms fall to his sides. She stood still making sure he understood that this was just about making out and nothing else and she waited for him to acknowledge that fact. He nodded once and she stepped aside._

_Brittany and Santana came barreling down the stairs pinky in pinky just as they had left. The girls had gone back to their friendship bracelets as they awaited the return of their dare seeker. Quinn was the first one to look up at them from her craft and she grinned figuring the dare was a success._

"_So?" Lauren asked looking over her shoulder but keeping her hands busy at work with her yarn._

"_Done and done." Santana replied rubbing her hands together._

"_How was it?" Quinn asked letting her yarn fall onto the floor and she crossed her legs. Brittany shrugged as she took a seat where she had been before._

"_It was okay." She told her friends who look around each other. "He was slobbery."_

"_Eww." A bunch of them yell and Santana giggled._

_They played a few more rounds enough for each girl to get at least one dare and one truth until they called it quits declaring that the game was super boring. Soon enough their sugar rushes had burnt out and one by one the girls were falling asleep to the sounds of Ariel singing and her image flickering on the television screen._

_Santana's eyes popped open when she heard the music to the main menu on the screen. It sounded so much louder than when they had been watching it but she just figured it was cause she had been asleep for an hour or so and lost in that complete silence that sleep provides. She glanced around the room spotting Quinn passed out on her sleeping bag along with Lauren, Sarah and Lindsay. She shivered realizing that she had been sleeping without her blanket so she shifted in an effort to grab it. But when she did she noticed that she had feel asleep on one of the bean bag chairs in her basement and right next to her was Brittany on the other bean bag sidled up right next to hers all cozied up in the blanket they had been sharing. She shook her head and giggled at how comfortable Brittany looked and how she had a cute little smile on, probably with the fact that she had stole all the blankets from Santana._

_Instead of waking her friend up to get some warmth, she figured to make it easier on the both of them and decided to go up to her room and grab her comforter which was big enough that even if Brittany tried to steal that she'd at least still have a corner to cover her. Before she made her way upstairs she muted the television, keeping it on so that she still had some light to work with. She quietly made her way up the basement steps and up the steps to the second floor to her bedroom. With her pillow and her comforter in her grasp she heard a creak from her bedroom door and glanced over to find her brother's friend leaning against the door frame._

"_You're friends kind of hot?" He told her trying to act all cool, she rolls her eyes and turns fully to him with her comforter and pillow still in hand._

"_Stay away from Brittany skeezoid." She spit at him and he laughed a little._

"_Oh come on I know you think I'm hot." He said to her so confidently. She couldn't deny it she used to have such a crush on Billy. But maybe it faded away because he was always at her house and was best friends with her brother. It kind of felt like he was part of the family in a way, so any feelings for him just kind of went away. "I'm hot and you most definitely have gotten way hot over the past year." He told her looking her up and down biting his lower lip._

"_You totally have half of that equation right." Santana said back in record time._

"_How about we kiss and if we don't feel anything then we don't ever have to do it again?" He offered and he held his arms out which to Santana meant he was being sincere. Plus he was her brother's best friend, he wouldn't do anything to hurt her or Tony would stab him in the face. She contemplated his offer. She had always wondered what it would be like to kiss him._

"_Okay fine." She replied putting her pillow back down on her bed along with her comforter and she lifted her hand to stop him when he started walking in her room. "But not in here. If we get caught making out in my bedroom not only will you be dead but I will be too or be sent to a nunnery." She explained and he stifled a laugh at her logic. But he allowed her to drag him into the bathroom down the hallway._

_She walked in first and watched him as he closed the door and then locked it. He told her it was best just to be on the very safe side. She nodded because it made sense the last thing she wanted was for her parents to walk in on her and Billy kissing she would be beyond mortified. Her throat went up and down as she swallowed hard and he walked closer to her. He placed his hands on her hips and stepped right up to her leaving minimal space between their bodies. He smelled like spray deodorant and his shirt had remnants of body spray seeping from his skin._

_As he leaned down she could still smell the toothpaste on his lips and breathe as he opened his mouth. She stood on her toes to reach him until their mouths finally met. He immediately darted his tongue into her mouth and she was finding it rather difficult to keep up with him. Granted she had kissed a few boys so she had the experience, but he was two years older than her, so she could only assume he knew techniques. So she tried to follow his motions and patterns and the way he kissed but she just grew increasingly frustrated._

_But when she tried to pull away he moved with her keeping their lips together and pushing his tongue further into her mouth. She felt his hand move quickly from her hip to the back of her head pushing their faces closer. She brought both of her hands up to his chest to force him back but he was a lot stronger than she was._

_Santana could feel his other hand moving to the bottom of her tank top up and brushing the skin just underneath it. Finally she was able to tear her lips from his and both of them were out of breath, she stared at him her jaw hanging open and he just smiled._

"_What the hell dude?" She asked, kind of pissed off._

"_Come on we're just having some fun." He told her and leaned in to start kissing again but she yanked her head back. He moved both of his hands down to her hips and around her back pulling her closer to him and he pushed out his hips. Her eyes widened and she looked down when she felt something poking her. "I can't go to sleep like this." He explained to her and looked down at his crotch motioning his head. She watched as one of his hands came back to her front lifting her shirt a little bit and slid his finger to the waistband of her shorts. "So what do you say? It would be like, practice for when you get a boyfriend. I can show you how to do things." He offered to her and she swallowed and she couldn't help it but her eyes darted to the door that she so desperately wished was not locked or closed for that matter. But she couldn't move, or speak, she was frozen to the spot._

_She shook her head, hoping that would be enough, hoping that it would be just as loud as the word. She even mouthed it, she thought anyway, the word 'no' forming from her mouth but the sound not making its way out. Her eyes widened with fear._

_Before she could form any words of protest she felt his lips on her mouth again and her back was pressed up against the bathroom wall. Any noise she was making was muffled into his mouth and it was like he swallowed them because she couldn't even hear them. As he continued kissing her roughly and without feeling his hand moved up under her shirt where he grabbed and squeezed randomly at the skin there. He pushed in, played roughly and moved around so carelessly it almost hurt while her hands were pushing and pinching and trying anything to get him to move off of her._

_He moved his hip into her and she could feel him, that part of him poking and digging into her stomach hoping, rubbing himself against her. He hummed a moan into her mouth she was so desperately trying to close and she could feel his appendage sticking out more from his paper thin pajama pants. Her hands all the while were twisting his shirt in her fist trying to push him off of her but it was of no use and all it was doing was wasting her energy and all she could feel was failure._

_His hand moved from under her shirt and he didn't even prepare her for his next action. He quickly and with such haste shoved his hand down the front of her shorts and into her panties and pushed his finger into her. She yelped and jumped at the contact and the feeling and bit down on his lip. He jerked back and grunted bringing his other hand up to see if he was bleeding. He snarled at her and then covered her mouth with his hand as he thrust another finger inside of her and watched her squirm. He placed disorderly kisses on her neck and on her face every now and again panting in her ear 'do you like this? Yeah I bet you do'._

_She closed her eyes and tried to turn her head but his hand pushed hard over her mouth forbid her head from moving. For a moment she thought this was over, that maybe this was a bad dream as she felt his fingers leave her shorts. But she opened her eyes to find him still standing there and he was using one hand to untie his pajama pants and the only energy she could muster was in closing her eyes again._

_When she opened them again which felt like an eternity later she saw her reflection in the mirror of the bathroom. Her eyes were blank, she had a hand covering her mouth and she was being desperately held up by a teenage boy whose hips frantically moved into hers. She watched his body move almost like he didn't know what he was doing but knew that it felt good, for him anyway. Whenever a sound erupted from her throat he just pushed harder onto her mouth and seemed to also thrust harder._

_Before she knew it she was back on her feet and felt him pull himself out of her. Her eyes narrowed as she felt something warm and kind of liquidy hit her thigh. She looked down and saw he hadn't worn a condom and that he came on her leg just as he pulled out of her. She glanced up at him mortified. Ironically enough however, this mortification wasn't because he just forced his lips on her, forced his hands down her pants or just forced himself on her in general. She was horrified that he hadn't used anything at all, and that he felt it was appropriate to ejaculate onto her._

_But he wasn't paying attention, he was finishing unloading into tissue over the toilet bowl. He flushed the toilet and walked over to retrieve his clothing humming as he got redressed. She watched him clothe himself as though nothing had happened in this bathroom and as though she wasn't even here. He walked to the door tying his pajama pants and as he reached out to the door knob he looked back to her._

"_Little Santana." He smirked looking her up and down and she felt a blush creep over her cheeks as she realized she still had no shorts on. "Who would have thought you weren't a virgin anymore. Guess you don't need to be taught things huh?" He winked and then was out the door to leave her standing there with no shorts on and semen on her inner thigh._

_Her eyes fell from the door and back to leg and the offending fluid sitting there. She thought about taking a shower to get this off, she felt like she could smell it, but it was so late and her mom would be wondering what was going on. Plus she had a bunch of girls down in the basement that, if they were up were probably wondering where the hell she was._

_So she grabbed a few tissues and wiped it off of her leg and then grabbed the hand towels and wet them to ensure the crap was off of her body. She ran to her room to grab the extra pillow she had originally came up there for and changed into some sweats. Before leaving her room she looked in the mirror. She couldn't go down to her friends looking like a mess so, she fixed her hair and made sure she looked presentable._

_As she walked down the stairs to the main floor she could feel her hand shaking as it held on to the banister. Her throat had been holding on to sobs that she had not cried and would not cry. She couldn't do it, even though she tried to, she couldn't cry not one single tear. Her cheeks twitched because she wanted to break down and fall apart but it wasn't going to happen. Her home wasn't her safe place anymore she thought as she closed the basement door behind her. This was the one place she had felt was her safe haven the one place she could be that little girl she still very much was._

"_San?" She heard a small voice coming from the mess of sleeping bags and chips and candy and bean bag chairs. Her eyes darted around the room until they landed on blue ones looking back at her. Brittany sat up from the bean bag that was still perfectly placed right next to the one Santana had been sleeping on moments earlier. "Where'd you go?" Brittany asked her rubbing the rest of the sleep out of her eyes._

_Santana opened her mouth but nothing came out except a small squeak. She shook her head, shrugged her shoulders and lifted the pillow and comforter in her hands to show Brittany where she had gone._

"_Oh." Brittany yawned out shifting in her seat and patting the place on Santana's bean bag for her friend to rejoin her. "Guess I stole the blankets again huh?" She giggled out guiltily and Santana offers her a weak smile looking down at the supplies she grabbed from her room. "Come here Sany." Brittany called her over reaching out for her. "I put in Beauty and the Beast for us." She told her friend with a bright smile and Santana nodded finally ungluing her feet from the place she had been stuck. She takes her spot beside Brittany tossing the big comforter over the both of them. "Ready?" Brittany asked looking over to her friend while pointing the remote to the DVD player._

"_Yeah." Santana whispered out, her voice cracky and used. Brittany twisted her lips taking note of something bothering her friend and she reached her arm around her friend's shoulder pulling her closer to her._

"_Okay, now I'll be the Beast this time and you are Belle." Brittany told her softly moving Santana's head to rest on her shoulder and she smoothed out her hair. Santana grinned through her sadness because Brittany just did that, she always made things seem bright when they were so dark. As the opening came on Brittany's head whipped in Santana's direction, but she was staring at the top of her head. "Santana you're shivering." She gasped pulling her closer and wrapping her other arm around her. Santana mumbled that she was cold and allowed herself to be engulfed in Brittany's embrace, snuggling closer into her best friend's body. "I'll keep you warm S." Brittany assured her rubbing her hands up and down Santana's arms under the comforter. "Here," She reached to grab Santana's ankles and positioned her feet between her calves. "Put your toes between my legs." Santana giggled at her friend but did as she was told._

"_You're warm." Santana mumbled into Brittany's neck._

"_Pshh I'm hot." Brittany joked getting one more chuckle from her friend that faded into the silent darkness of the basement and they got lost in the movie, eventually falling asleep._


	4. Rumors and Reputations

**Rumors and Reputations**

The two sat on the couch, just as they had been for majority of the afternoon and now well into the evening. Brittany moved her fork around her bowl of chicken and broccoli but she was actually watching as Quinn stared into her Chinese food containers. Moving from one to the next but never actually eating anything.

Brittany expected this much. She remembered when she had been in Quinn's shoes, hearing all of this the first time, she couldn't stomach anything. It had actually gotten so bad that while at Glee practice she had passed out and had to go to the hospital for dehydration and malnutrition. That was a tough one to explain to her parents and even tougher to explain to Santana, who had immediately felt at fault for the blonde's ailments.

She lets out a small sigh and puts her bowl of food down and reaches for the soup that they had ordered. She opens it up, letting the steamy smell of goodness travel to her senses and she smiles softly while grabbing the plastic spoon.

"Here," Brittany breaks the silence. "Try some soup." She offers it to Quinn along with a half smile and the other blonde accepts both trying her best to bring the broth to her lips.

Brittany watches as Quinn takes little slurps of the soup and though it's not nearly enough for the blonde it's better than nothing. She grabs her bowl again and starts playing around with her food as before. Her mouth opens to speak but she isn't sure where to pick up. This wasn't some gossip she had stumbled upon and this wasn't something she heard through the grapevine. This was serious and painful and sad and everything else that could hurt a heart.

There was no way to just pick up from where she left off because it was heartbreaking. She racked her brain about how Santana's story was told to her but that memory only left her shivering and she closes her eyes trying to will it away. As though trying to believe it had all been a bad dream and she never knew any of this and it never ever happened.

But that wasn't reality.

"I'm sorry I can't." Quinn mumbles leaning over to put the soup back on to the coffee table and then wrapping the blanket from Santana and Brittany's bed around her tighter. Brittany nods, she understands and doesn't push, for the moment anyway.

"It seemed like after that, she felt like she was branded, or like made to fit into this mold of the used and discarded." Brittany finally dives back in to the topic at hand. Quinn nuzzles her face into the blanket, only letting her eyes show and she takes in a deep breath, feeling slightly comforted by the scent of Santana on the fabric. "That's when she started 'dating' boys." Brittany tells her, using finger quotes when saying the word 'dating' because when you're thirteen you don't really date. You don't even go on dates, people on see each other at school and kiss in the hallway and maybe once in a while meet up for a movie or a trip to the mall. But it's far from dating. "She made out with Jim McConin, Richie Z., Mike Reeves and Johnny all in the same week." Quinn nods as her friend recites Santana's lip locking trysts of second semester of the eighth grade. Everyone knew about everyone's business, especially if it was sexual because they were thirteen and going through puberty and a lot of the kids lived vicariously through the stories of their peers.

"At Sammy Dolan's party, she let Ciprian Vegas feel her up in the closet during 7 minutes in heaven and I remember that Monday in school afterwards there were those rumors going around about how they had gone further than that." Brittany hangs her head, letting the bowl in her hands fall to her lap. "Remember we asked her if it was true and she said no, but it didn't matter because people are going to believe what they wanted anyway." She looks to Quinn who doesn't meet her gaze but nods none the less. "I remember thinking that she was so cool because she had all of these guys falling all over her and asking her out left and right and she would go from guy to guy." She shakes her head and her voice trails off at the end.

"Well, it was the eighth grade relationships lasted as long as a relationship does on a television series." Quinn chuckles out but the humor in her words only lasts so long. Brittany smirks and nods.

"Then Johnny asked her out." Brittany sighs, leaning over her crossed legs to put her bowl next to Quinn's untouched food. "Me and him were in art class together and I had over heard him telling one of the guys that he was going to get with her." She rolls her eyes at the thirteen year old boy lingo from their middle school days. "I obviously started to eaves drop because they were talking about Santana. At first I was so excited for her because I mean, hello it was Johnny, the hottest kid in the eighth grade." Her eyes widen to emphasize her point and Quinn nods. "But then I had heard him and the other kid talking about how he was going to get a blow job from her and I remember feeling dirty, just hearing him talk about her like that." She covers her face with her hands and leans her elbows on her knees shaking her head slightly from side to side. "He said that Ciprian had told him that Santana gave him one behind the bleachers at the high school and that she was a sure thing." Quinn clenches her jaw and tightly shuts her eyes. She knew guys talked like this but it was crazy for her to think that barley pubescent boys would be talking about this.

"I confronted her about it and she got mad at me and told me it was none of my business if she did do those things. And then asked me why it mattered anyway." Brittany's voice was barely a whisper as she recounted her confrontation with thirteen year old Santana about her sexual activities. "She told me it was nice to be wanted by the boys and sometimes you had to give a little to get a little." Her shoulders shrug and she leans her head against the couch turning to face her friend who was in the same position as her on the other side of the couch.

* * *

_Brittany was on her bed watching a movie when her best friend came into her room. The smile on her face from the unannounced visit faded as she saw the look her friend wore that was plagued with sadness and unshed tears. She muted the television and rolled off of the bed reaching out to her._

_Santana grabbed the offered hand and let it tug her towards the bed and the two sat. She leaned her head on Brittany's shoulder willing her to let her body to relax even though everywhere else inside of her was screaming._

"_Are you upset Johnny's moving?" Brittany asked, breaking their unconscious silence. She assumed that Santana's boyfriend's sudden news of his family leaving Lima had a lot to do with her current mood. Santana didn't respond, she was still trying hard to keep her emotions and tears in check. "It's okay to be sad about it San." Brittany tried to assure her, letting her hand rub small circles on her best friends back._

_She knew asking questions and prodding was no way to get answers from the smaller girl. It was always best to wait it out and let her calm down and when she was ready then Santana would tell her everything. Brittany was sure of that. So they sat there just like that for a little while longer, Brittany rubbing her back to try and coax relaxation and perhaps for the girl to open up to her while the television screen lit up random parts of the dimly lit room. Meanwhile, Santana sat there with her head resting on her best friend's shoulder trying to erase the images playing in her mind._

"_I went to Johnny's earlier." Santana muttered into the still air after an hour or so of just sitting there. Brittany nodded and took in a small breath letting it come out slow. "His parents were out." She spoke lower and her hands fidgeted on her thigh. "He said he'd miss me and that he wasn't going to forget me." Her voice gave in and gave out, yet another thing she was unable to control._

"_Duh, how could anyone forget you?" Brittany cooed, brushing away some of her friend's hair from her face trying to tuck it behind her ear. Santana tried to smile but she couldn't, instead, she settled for a deep breath and rubbed her sweaty palms on her jeans._

"_We were in his room and we were kissing." She said so lightly and low that it was like a whisper and then she felt Brittany's hand pause. It was brief, barely noticeable but she caught it. Santana let out a shaky breath, rubbing her hands together. "One thing led to another and we were in his bed and…" She gulped because she couldn't say the words, she didn't want to, those words tasted gross in her mouth. Everything she thought of saying made her throat dry up, her tongue swell, her teeth clatter together because, mostly everything she thought of saying were half lies._

"_Santana, did you… did you have…" Brittany dared to ask without actually asking. _

_The words were there but they couldn't find their way out. She didn't want to ask really, she didn't want to imagine Santana and some boy together. They were still so young and it sounded so adult and felt so adult to be involved in the conversation. She couldn't help the shiver that ran through her body when Santana nodded. Brittany couldn't tell if it was the fact that her best friend confirmed her half asked question or if it was because she wouldn't look her in the eye when she answered._

"_He said he loved me." Santana forced out trying to make it sound like it meant something to her or at least that it was reason enough for Brittany to understand. At the time she thought it had meant something or maybe she just wanted it to. "I told him I wanted to… that it was okay." She continued in a choked out sob that never followed through with tears. Brittany shifted closer to her friend resting her head on top of Santana's and she started to rub those small circles again._

"_Was it?" Brittany tentatively asked she wasn't sure what she was supposed to say to any of this. Regardless of the fact that she was inexperienced personally but she was just as equally ill prepared to deal with it in a conversational context. But for Santana, she'd try her best to understand or at least just listen. "Was it okay?"_

_Santana didn't know. She didn't know now or even when it had happened. She knew that Brittany thought that this meant Santana was no longer a virgin but her virginity was long gone even before Johnny entered the picture._

_She hated the fact that she had to keep up the charade and let her best friend in the whole wide world go on thinking that she had been pure up until a few hours ago. It made her sick to her stomach that she was using those five minutes it took Johnny to finish as her first time story. When she had said it was okay she thought she had meant it, but as things progressed her mind backtracked but Johnny hadn't even second guessed her. _

_He didn't make sure, he didn't ask her if she was okay for real, he didn't even make sure her head didn't hit the head board during the whole thing. He didn't even stop when Santana had asked if that noise down the stairs were an indication of his parents returning home. He didn't even stop when she whispered, 'stop'._

"_No." Santana finally answered and she watched Brittany's hand reach across her own lap to grab at her hand. _

_Her jaw clenched and she shut her eyes thinking about how she loved Brittany's hand on her back and in her own. The blonde's skin on her skin or arm around her waist or shoulder's always made her feel that tiny bit of safety and security that she had been stripped of that summer when she was 12-years-old or that night in her own home. _

"_I wish I didn't do it." She admitted pushing her face deeper into the crook of Brittany's neck. This part was true, she wished she hadn't done it. "I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take my virginity back." She confessed and though that was true it had nothing to do with Johnny or the brief time they had spent together in his bedroom earlier that day. _

_Her other hand reached across both of their bodies and she gripped some of Brittany's blonde hair that was hanging from her shoulder. Her face became lost within the blonde locks as she desperately craved those tears that teased her to come spilling out and drown her. But such was wishful thinking and she could not squeeze one tiny tear from her eyes even though inside her heart was dripping._

"_Well," Brittany spoke up. "Maybe you can just pretend you still have it." She suggested casually and calmly in hopes that maybe her disposition would ease her friend's mind. "And this way you won't be so sad the next time you do it. I mean maybe you can pretend that you don't lose it until you have sex with someone you love back." Her voice was so delicate that Santana wanted desperately to believe the words she spoke._

"_That's not how it works." Santana told her, sounding disappointed, and lifted her head looking at her friend. Brittany blinked trying to replay what she had just said to find the flaw that Santana had found in her plan._

"_Oh." The blonde girl let out nodding once. "Do you love him? Is that why you can't take it back?" Brittany asked her tilting her head to the side, Santana couldn't help but notice how sad her friend sounded at the prospect of Santana loving him back._

"_No." Santana answered quickly and she wanted to add that gut feeling she had that Johnny had been completely false in his own declaration of love. She knew that as soon as it had come out if his mouth it was a lie. But she wanted to believe it, she wanted to be that girl that guys fell in love with so desperately and hopelessly._

"_So… then I say he doesn't count." Brittany tried with her plan again sounding confident as she spoke. Santana's brow furrowed and she analyzed her friend carefully. "I mean if you didn't like it and you don't love him then how can it?" She shrugged her shoulders straightening her head. Santana let a meek smile play on her lips and she nodded. Her eyes looked deeply into Brittany's blue eyes and she saw the blonde doing the same to her._

"_You're a great friend B." Santana told her, Brittany grinned and leaned in placing a kiss on her cheek. The Latina couldn't help the smile that spread from ear to ear and on reaction she leaned in kissing Brittany's cheek in return._

_Two weeks later Johnny and his family moved to Seattle. _

_After that sweaty day in his bedroom he barely paid attention to his girlfriend. He ignored her, avoided her and even went so far as to break up with her through his friend who told Santana during Spanish class. She wanted to not care, he was leaving anyway so it shouldn't have mattered. But it did._

_She knew people knew. She knew that Johnny told his friends that she and him had done it. She also knew that he had told them how much Santana's liked it, even though he had never asked her. Actually, the only thing he had said after the event was 'thanks' and then he didn't even walk her to the door. _

_Some of the eighth graders knew some ninth graders from McKinley and one weekend the two grades through a bash at some kid's house. His parents were gone for the weekend and for some reason they had trusted him to be home alone. So, Santana, Brittany and Quinn had all decided to go. It would be a great way to prepare themselves for high school parties the following year._

_They weren't surprised when they were handed mixed drinks that were more alcohol than mixer, but they sipped them and mingled. As the night went on the party had moved down to the basement where a lot of the older couples were sitting on couches making out, among other things. Being a party of barely teenagers it was no surprise that things got out of control._

_Santana remembered her, Brittany and Quinn sitting under a table with a bottle of champagne, which does not go well with mixed drinks but at the time the idea seemed flawless. She wasn't at all surprised when Bryan, a freshman at McKinley came over and asked her to sit with him. He was charming and she immediately took the hand he offered her telling her friends she'd be back shortly They were too far gone to even realize Santana was leaving them. He led them to the laundry room that was pretty quiet except for the sound of the dryer going off and the distant noise of the party._

_The only thing that separated the room they were in and the room everyone else was in was a cheap looking flimsy wood panel door that opened and closed like an accordion. He told her she looked pretty and asked her if she was in high school. Her cheeks felt hot and she couldn't tell if it was the compliment of looking older and pretty or the alcohol coursing through her system._

_It didn't matter what her answer was because his lips were on hers within seconds. He was not that bad of a kisser, considering her state of inebriation anyway, so she allowed the kissing as she pressed her back against the dryer. His hands were softer so she didn't really mind them on her arms or around her waist._

_Soon enough she was lifted on to the dryer, it moved shakily beneath her as she felt his hands wandering lower. On her thighs, up her thighs until he was trying to spread her legs moving his hands between her thighs and she shook her head pulling back._

"_It's okay, no one's going to walk in." He tells her and she nervously bites her lip glancing to the door. She wasn't so sure about this, there was a whole huge group of people just on the other side of that paper thin excuse for a door._

_He didn't wait for a nod of agreement or a 'yes' and he pressed his lips back to hers. He slid his hand up between her thighs and pushed his fingers against the fabric of her panties to her center. She jumped a little at the contact because it wasn't expected. She tried to relax, let the alcohol give her that calmness and she fought against her legs that wanted to slam shut and catch his hand from going any further._

_His fingers had pushed her panties to the side and he was thrusting two in and out of Santana. She swallowed and watched him watch his motions, furrowing his brow in concentration. Santana tried to enjoy it, she tried to let her body feel the feelings. A sound from the side caught her attention, the boy still focused on his disappearing and reappearing fingers inside the small girl._

_It was a drunk ninth grader who walked in. Her eyes widened and she tapped the boy between her legs and pointed to the kid who had joined them. He grinned and nodded to his friend but went back to the task at hand. Santana, embarrassed and cheeks flushed from this intimate moment being intruded on tried to pull on his wrist. But he wasn't having any of it and whacked her hand from his with the other._

"_I don't want him watching." Santana panted out, she wasn't sure what her body wanted but she knew what her mind wanted._

_He said 'shh' and crashed his lips on to hers, her eyes bulged out as he didn't stop his movements. She tried to turn her body to hide her intimate spots of her body but it was of no use as the other boy in the room walked around behind the boy she was with. Her legs flicked out as she tried to maneuver herself off of the dryer in hopes of getting out of here._

_It wasn't until she saw boy number two unzip his fly and start jerking off at the sight of Santana getting fingered by his buddy. She shouted get off of me and pushed her palms to his chest trying to get him away from her._

"_Get the fuck…" She struggled and finally was able to kick him in the thigh close enough to his junk for him to jump away. Santana hopped off the dryer and slapped the boy across the face before fixing herself quickly and storm out of the laundry room._

_She felt some eyes on her as she struggled to find her friends, they needed to get out of here. When she spotted her two blonde's she raced up to them demanding they left citing several reasons for them to go. While the blonde's gathered their things Santana impatiently waited and looked over her shoulder towards the place she had just come from._

_The two boys were grinning smugly as another two came over and gave the one boy a high five. He was clearly being asked a question, seeing as he nodded. She watched him lift his two fingers to his friend's nose and nod some more with a stupid smirk on. He motioned his head towards Santana's direction causing the other three to look over at her as well. All four boys were staring at her and smiling._

_The walk home was uneventful and the two blonde's didn't really question Santana why she had wanted to leave so bad. Actually it kind of worked out that the three had left when they did, because the whole walk home to Brittany's each girl took turns puking in the middle of the street. Santana was the first to lose her dinner and the whole bottle of champagne she had chugged. Brittany held her hair back and rubbed her back as her friend just let it go. Quinn was next in the upchuck line, which only made Brittany start throwing up as well._

_By the time they had gotten to Brittany's it felt as though the after effects of drinking way too much and mixing things that should never be mixed had finally stopped making second appearances. While Quinn was in the bathroom brushing the vomit taste out of her mouth Santana and Brittany lay in the blonde's bed._

"_You looked really upset before we left San." Brittany said quietly running her fingers through Santana's dark hair._

"_Mmm." Santana hummed out, it was an affirmative response, but she had no energy to really get in to it._

"_I know you've been upset since the Johnny thing… and… well even before then." Brittany turned more on her side to face her best friend whose eyes were closed. Santana wasn't sleeping, she was listening. "I know you're sad, I just want you to know that I'm here for you." She said leaning a little closer. "I'll always be here for you Santana." She pressed her lips to her friends forehead and turned onto her back once again._

_When Santana was certain her friend's eyes were closed she opened her own and stared at the girl before her. It was the first time in a long time, probably months to be truthful. But as she stared at Brittany and she let the words she had just said to her play on repeat she felt something tickle the corner of her eye and travel down to the pillow. She brought her hand up to wipe the tickle away only to be surprised by the wetness that met her finger._


	5. Situational Awareness

____________________

**hey guys. i know i don't update this often, but that's for a reason. it's just so harsh and raw that i want to give you time to let it simmer and then release it before i throw another at you. i guess, that's for me too. this story is so emotional and sensitive that i want to make sure that i handle it delicately, and i hope i am doing just that.**

**read and review**

* * *

**Situational Awareness**

__

It was a Thursday late in the afternoon during the last semester of the eighth grade. It was starting to get warm out so Santana had opted for shorts that day. When she and her mother had gone shopping for spring and summer wear weeks prior, Santana hadn't truly grasped the concept of the shorts for girls 'these days', as her mother said, were inappropriate and sent the wrong message to boys.

The young Latina hadn't really considered the messages being sent to boys, she figured that regardless of what kind of clothing or anything for that matter, teenage boys got one message: anything and everything was sexual. The first day she had worn shorts to school she caught a few of the boys at school checking out her legs and even, unfortunately spotted a few teachers gaping at her bare skin as well. She could only assume that boys and grown men retained the same amount of brain power.

On this particular Thursday afternoon she realized exactly the message her mother was talking about. It was almost 6:00pm and she was most definitely going to be late for dinner which she would no doubt be scolded for, not too harshly, but she would probably have to do the dishes for a whole week. A small price to pay really, if they only knew why she'd be late.

She was currently by a small park by Noah "Puck" Puckerman's house. It was rather secluded, hidden within a group of houses and trees and fences that were overtaken by ivy. The two teenagers were discreetly hidden beyond the basketball court by a few trees and a bush that covered them. Santana and Puck had been making out for nearly fifteen minutes against the fence with its metal inserts to block the backyard of the house beyond the fence to see through. He had her pushed up against it, every so often pressing up against her and causing the fence to make noises of bending metal.

She couldn't help but wonder how many girls Puck had kissed. He claimed this type of 'pimp status' but really, it felt like she was his first if she were being honest. But instead of pulling away and wiping his slobber off of her face, she continued to allow him to stake his claim on her lips. He had one hand on her hip while the other was feeling her up, over her shirt, which to her was another give away to his inexperience.

"You can go under my shirt." She finally told him between kisses.

Santana rolled her eyes, which were closed, when she felt his lips stiffen against hers. She felt his hand fumble to the bottom of her shirt and without finess pushed his hand under her t-shirt, his fingers bumping into her bra. She let out a sigh, more out of annoyance at this boys childlike hands rather than out of enjoyment, but she knew he couldn't tell the difference because he kept kissing her and started to grab at her through her bra.

Her shirt rose, coming up over her breasts as he moved his hand over to the other one, obviously not wanting to miss out on this opportunity. She didn't care much about this exposure, feeling sure enough that the small wood like atmosphere surrounding them was coverage enough and plus, it was very late in the afternoon, almost evening and the sun was setting at any second.

He hummed or moaned or groaned something into her mouth and she swallowed, scrunching her nose when she realized she had ingested some of Noah Puckerman's saliva. Not really something she would deem as enjoyable. But she soon let that slip to the back of her mind and continued to let his tongue whirl about in her mouth and his chapped lips to bruise her soft ones.

Santana moved her hands from around Puck's neck and slowly dragged them down his chest until finally settling at the top of his jeans where his belt sat. He nervously pulled back and looked down at the girl's hands, his still placed on her breasts. She started tugging at the belt to loosen it and unhook it from its loops.

Seeing where she was going with this, Noah removed his hands from her body and pushed his hips out, letting her know he was waiting. She never looked up at him, she was certain he wasn't even waiting for her to. So they both stood there and watched as her fingers nimbly removed his belt and worked the button and zipper to his jeans.

With his zipper undone she could see a bulge in his boxer briefs. She wasn't surprised by it all that much, she figured that he was hard, it wouldn't take a scientist to pick up on a teenage boy getting an erection while making out with a girl, regardless if she were hot or not. Santana grabbed at it through the fabric and Puck took in a deep breath, and even that didn't get her attention.

Actually at this point all Santana could hear was her own heart beating. It filled her ears with a pounding, as if it were a countdown for yet another tryst that she was about to take part in. They never meant anything, ever, she was like a moth to a flame. She always thought that saying was stupid and never made sense until she realized she was the moth **and** the fire. One and the same. The moth, playing too close to the flame would eventually get burned. The fire, out of control and can cause pain.

Puck brought his hands down to the waist band of his boxer briefs, dipping his thumbs underneath and pushing down to fully expose himself to the girl in front of him. He grinned to himself, Santana probably figured he was proud of how 'big' he had gotten from just making out and at the prospect of her doing something else to him. She had seen in those dirty movies where girls tell the guy how big he is and she is sure he probably expected to hear such preaching from her. But instead of getting words of praise about the size of his manhood she reached out and wrapped her fingers around him and started to pump.

He didn't care that it wasn't the way he did it, in fact, he thought it felt better, more so because it wasn't him doing the work and it being Santana, well that was just a bonus because she was the hottest piece of action at school. He knew if he just waited it out he would get his chance with Santana Lopez, and she knew this.

He was the one up against the fence now, his hands on Santana's shoulders and his eyes fixed on her left hand that worked him up and down, getting more aroused at the work the girl was putting into it. He moved one of his hands from her shoulder and reached to pull up her shirt once again to reveal her bra clad breasts. He squeezed them as he thrust his hips to move with Santana's motions.

She sighed and then switched to her weak hand while his hands moved back up to her shoulders. Santana couldn't figure out if it was her own body getting tired of all of this work and the lack of accomplishment but, her body was slowly falling lower towards the ground. It wasn't until she switched back to use her left hand that she realized that Puck was pushing down on her shoulders. She assumed it was going to go here, what else was she really supposed to expect when she was the one who suggested they went to this park, the one who suggested they hangout by the trees and bushes, the one who reached for his pants and told him to go under her shirt.

So, instead of fighting it and looking like she was second guessing herself, because Santana Lopez does not seconds guess herself, she allowed the pressure of Puck's nudges towards the ground to lead her to her knees. She got situated, having to move her knees over the ground until there weren't sticks and rocks digging into her skin, suddenly wishing that she hadn't decided on her new short shorts. When she looked back up at her hand, still on him, she watched herself pump him quicker and harder.

She wondered if the kid would ever finish, she couldn't remember having to work this hard before. His hand reached the back of her head and pulled her face towards him and moving his hips forward. Santana closed her eyes and let him lead her once again, parting her lips preparing to take him inside her mouth. He whimpered at the initial moist contact of her lips around his member and he thrust his hips forward sending more of him in than she was prepared for. She gagged pulling back quickly which only made him moan louder. Regaining her focus, to some extent, she shook out the gagging from her throat and went back in.

After a few times of bobbing her head up and down, taking him as deep as possible down her throat she decided she had had enough of sucking him off and just settled for jerking him off, while every now and again licking the tip to speed the process along. She probably spent a good ten to fifteen minutes on her knees until finally Noah Puckerman shot his load into her mouth. Her nose scrunched, she was never going to be able to get used to or even enjoy the taste of a boy's bodily fluids and she turned her head to spit it out onto the ground. After he finished coming down from his high he tucked himself back into his shorts, zipped himself up and buttoned and fixed his belt.

"You don't swallow huh?" He asked sounding surprised, suddenly cocky and over confident. She wanted to retort with a comment about him getting his first blow job but she opted not to and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. He didn't help her up from the ground and didn't ask her if she wanted him to do anything to her. What he did do was look at his wrist watch and say, "Shit if I don't get home for dinner my mom's gonna kill me." He pretty much ran out of the park on that Thursday night, leaving Santana standing behind the bushes and trees wiping the dirt off of her knees.

She fixed her hair, then grabbed a stick of gum from her back pocket and started on her way home.

She had thought of stopping by Brittany's house instead of going home, Brittany's parents were usually out on Thursday's visiting their friends around the block and usually made a night out of it. But she knew if she didn't get home she would be in big trouble so she bypassed Brittany's block and turned left to head for her house.

Santana wasn't surprised when in technology class the next day she saw Noah talking to Finn Hudson rather secretively yet loud enough for the other boys around them to hear. She knew what they were talking about, she wasn't dumb. Maybe she made dumb choices but at least they were her choices to be made. She could feel her cheeks getting hotter and she could only hope and pray that the bell would ring soon. Finn's eyes were on her and she knew not only did he know but he was having his own thoughts and so was Jason who was sitting next to Puck and trying his hardest not to stare, at her face anyway. His eyes were fixed on her legs.

When the bell finally rang she grabbed her stuff and bolted for her locker. It was lunch time, which she was grateful for yet not looking forward to at the same time. It was awesome because she got to see Brittany and Quinn, they had been lucky enough to get lunch together this year. It sucked because lunch time was the place for gossip and festering rumors. She shrugged at that last thought because rumors were things that weren't true and if things were going to go around about her, well, she'd rather they at least be true.

She was relieved when she spotted her two blonde friends waiting for her at her locker with their brown bag lunches. Santana smiled at the both of them as she reached out for the lock ready to put in her combination but something halted her motions. Quinn was looking at her strangely and Brittany wasn't looking at her.

"What's with you two?" She asked and turned back to her locker twisting the numbers in quickly and pulling the metal door open.

"I guess you haven't heard." Quinn said softly causing Santana's forehead to crinkle and she glanced to her friend over her shoulder.

"About?" Santana asked turning back to her locker. She wasn't really all that interested, Quinn was never one to have the good gossip so the chances of this being anything good was slim to none.

"About you and Noah Puckerman." Quinn told her quietly, stepping forward so that the other kids in the hallway didn't pick up on their conversation. Santana paused, not looking to the blonde beside her, her hands motionless in her locker.

"What about me and Puck?" Santana replies slowly, reminding herself that she needed to move her body and blink once again. She closed her locker, lunch bag in hand and turns to face her friends. Quinn's lips were twisted and her eyes were looking off to the side and Brittany was still staring at the same spot she had been when Santana first ran into them.

"He's telling everyone you… ya know." Quinn vaguely informed her and Santana can't help but roll her eyes at the way her friend refuses to use big girl words.

"Gave him a blow job." Santana finished, enunciating her words and widening her eyes to emphasize. She noticed Brittany's eyes flicker to her own, which was when she herself finds the floor a tad interesting. Santana sighed and shrugged the sad and disappointed look she could see in her best friend's eyes and began to lead them to lunch.

"Aren't you like, embarrassed that everyone is talking about it?" Quinn asked, quickly catching up with Brittany right behind her.

"Why?" Santana shook her head, fixing the straps to her back pack. "It's true." She told them matter of factly.

"That's beside the point Santana." Quinn sternly replied grabbing her by the shoulder, stopping her in the hallway. "The point is that everyone is talking about it." The blonde told her friend in a hushed tone, her eyes darting around the hallway at some of the other students on their way to the cafeteria. "**Everyone **know." She is sure to keep her eyes locked onto Santana's to get her point across of the severity of the stories spreading around school. Santana, finally able to avert her eyes, shrugged her shoulders and sighed.

"At least they're not rumors." She defended and began to lead the way for them. Quinn looked to Brittany who had maintained a neutral expression during the entire conversation. And when the ditzy blonde didn't move or say anything, Quinn huffed and rolled her eyes and grabbed her to catch up to Santana.

"Do you like being like that with boys?" Brittany asked and it was an innocent enough question but her voice was almost like a whisper.

She had waited until Quinn got up to get a snack before she spoke up about everything going down. Santana looked up confused because she hadn't expected Brittany to even say anything about, well, anything. Santana opened her mouth to respond but came up without words.

"I guess…" Santana thought of her words carefully. It wasn't going to be easy to fully explain everything to Brittany without sounding so detached, but really she had no other choice because that's exactly what she was with it all. "But it doesn't really matter Brittz. What I want and what boys want are two totally different things." She offered and watched as her friend tilted her head, it was always Brittany's way of letting the information seep into her brain and give her time to process it. "It's not the point of liking it that matters, it's what I get out of it in the end." She sat back in her chair and folded her arms feeling as though she were making a good point and so she continued, with a smug smirk on her lips. "I mean, look around the cafeteria right now." Santana told her and motioned with her head to the students around them.

Brittany did as she was told and looked at the tables surrounding their own. Some people were going about their day, but she would have to say that majority of the people in the room were whispering and glancing over at their table, over at Santana for the most part. When she turned back to face Santana, her friend just nodded and offered a sly smile as she leaned forward towards her.

"My name is on everyone's lips up in here." Santana explained to her waving her hand to emphasize her words. "Sometimes you have to get a little down and dirty to get noticed." She shrugged and acted unfazed about the reputation possibly going on about her, because she really was, she had no idea of the negative connotations connected to her actions. "I mean," She spoke up again when it looked like Brittany was getting kind of lost. "Look at Christina Aguilera, bitch had to get 'dirrty' to get hot and people paid a lot more attention to her because of it." She elaborated more, in hopes that a reference to a music icon would spark in her friend's brain. Brittany nodded at the name drop and it seemed as though she were thinking out Santana's apparent plan to pull a Christina Aguilera.

"I guess that makes sense." Brittany agreed taking a sip of her water as Santana nodded at her friend's understanding.

"Of course it does." Santana added.

"But," Brittany hesitated for a moment as she screwed the cap back onto her water bottle. Her eyes searched the table, unsure of how her words were going to come out. "I mean, do you like Noah? Because I mean, you had sex with Johnny and you told me…" Santana shook her head abruptly cutting her friend off by holding her hand up.

"Hold up B. This isn't about feelings. I don't do those." She explained acting as though feelings simply did not exist. "It's just, I don't know… it was just oral sex anyway, a stupid blow job. And it's not like I haven't done it before." She reminded the blonde who looked away again, but then quickly brought her eyes back up to meet Santana's.

"But it's still sex San." Brittany told her, remembering in health class their teacher had told them that even oral sex is still considered sex, plus, she learned that on Degrassi too. Santana rolled her eyes, she knew her friend was right but she disregarded the facts and thought of a way to twist it to her own advantage.

"Whatever Britt, its just sex." She shook her head quickly and shortly leaning a little forward, obviously getting annoyed at being questioned about her actions. "Sex is not dating." She watched Brittany take her words in, analyze them in her mind, and saw her eyes go from clouded confusion to clear acceptance. That was one thing Santana could always depend on from her blonde gal pal, full acceptance with anything she did or said.

"Oh, okay." Brittany shrugged and went back to her sandwich.

* * *

"And that's when she created that line, 'sex isn't dating'." Brittany sighs out shaking her head at the memory and also how many times she had heard those words. "When she told me, like, later about everything I understood it more." Her eyes look down to the quilt in her lap as she remembered when it hit her why that had been Santana's mantra for so long. "I got why she put sex and dating into two different boxes. Every time up until that point, every sexual encounter she had had was not because of feelings or 'love', it was purely physical." She explains, pulling at the loose fabric of the throw. "Even Johnny, even when he told her he loved her it wasn't about that and the worse part about it was that she knew it. I guess that's why she just threw 'meaning' with sex out the window."

Quinn watches her friend study the blanket on her lap, as though her memories are somehow hidden deep within the string and yarn used to make it, she actually wondered if they were. Brittany took in a few deep breathes, letting each one come out slowly and made Quinn realized that she had forgotten to breath herself.

She remembers that day from eighth grade, when Puck was going around telling everyone about his experience with Santana. Quinn also remembers not wanting to believe it, simply because she had felt they were way too young to be doing anything other than hand holding. Plus, Santana was her best friend and she didn't like the way people had started looking at her and talking about her.

"So I guess that's when her and Puck started, hooking up on a regular basis?" Quinn tentatively asks getting Brittany to finally pull her eyes away from the quilt and look over to her. Her lips twitch slightly, like the words hurt her mouth so instead, she opts for a nod.

"She told me it worked to her advantage because he was so popular, being on the junior varsity football team at McKinley." Brittany tells her, her voice seemingly uncaring of this small fact from their past. She had never really cared for being popular per se, though she remembered it was nice being wanted and adored by others. But remembering that just makes her embarrassed at how juvenile and materialistic that feeling was. "And she would go on and on about how amazing it was going to be once we were in high school since she was 'in' with Puck, it would be so much easier to get the older crowd to notice us." Her shoulders slouched and she leans her head in her hands while her arm is propped up on her elbow and she glances at Quinn. Quinn is nodding remembering that they all had a game plan, more so her and Santana, when it came to ruling McKinley when they arrived.

"But, like all the other flaws in her plan, she didn't think about other people that would find out about her 'reputation'." Brittany broke their stare and returned to pulling at the quilt, desperately trying to maintain the calmness she had had thus far in the story.

* * *

_It was the week before school ended and Santana was late to dinner just like she was at least once every week. It was a Friday so she had been hoping and secretly planning to have a sleepover with her best friend's, telling them she just had to clear it with her parents before it was a definite. But it was never a problem before, so she more or less gave Brittany and Quinn the go ahead and a time to be over._

_But as she walked into her house at 6:22pm that evening and made her way into the dining room where her family was probably waiting for her, she was greeted by surprising company. Her head jerked back as he grinned back at her and said 'Hey Santana', and she cringed at the feeling of bile rising up in her throat._

_Santana had made it a point to never be around whenever her brother's friend Billy came over. Since that night, of her thirteenth birthday a cold rush of fear and nausea would take her over._

_"Wh-what are you doing here?" She asked with a little too much venom than she had initially intended. She didn't want anyone to know anything of what had happened that chilly night in the fall, the memories were more than enough for her. He chuckled as he piled some food on his plate and Tony looked at his sister warily._

_"Billy is staying over, his parents are on vacation for the weekend." He told her turning back to his food, not really interested in his sister's strange most likely girly hormonal mood._

_Santana held her breath as she took her seat beside her mother, across from the boy that made her insides turn and her stomach feel weak. She shuddered at the thought of him staying over the whole weekend and even worse, the thought of what the nights he stayed would bring. Deep down, she'd hoped that perhaps that night was just a onetime thing, but even further down she knew it was only the beginning of something long lasting._

_She sat in silence moving her food around her plate, too busy in her own mind for her brain to function in moving her physically. The sounds around her were of laughter and amusing conversation that she could not bring herself into joining. Sometimes she could feel his eyes on her, but she dared not look up because she didn't want him to see that fear she had instilled in her that night._

_As dinner came to a close and her mother and father were cleaning up the table the phone rang. It brought her out of her temporary stupor because her mother's voice told her it was Quinn on the other end. She pushed her chair back and walked in to the kitchen to retrieve the handset and moved into the living room, away from everyone else._

_"Hey." She answered, her usual excitement or the prospect of a sleepover was clearly not present but Quinn brushed it off._

_"Hey S, just finished dinner." Her friend told her, she could tell she was packing a bag for the evening preparing for the night they had planned. "Do you want me and Britt to pick up a movie before we come over?" She asked quickly and Santana closed her eyes tightly, trying her best to think of a lie on the spot of why it was not a good idea for her friend's to come over._

_"I-uh…" She stumbled._

_She didn't want them to **not** come over, in fact considering the circumstances she desperately wanted, no, needed them to come over. But then again, considering the circumstances, she did not want them to come over. The thought of them being here and the possibility of what they could uncover chilled her to the bone. She couldn't be found out. It was different when her friends knew of the things she did with boys at school, but those were her choices. If they knew this, she was sure they would never look at her the same way and not only that, she had horrible images playing in her mind of what if's. What if one of them went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and Billy tried something with one of them? That was something Santana was not about to test out._

_"What's wrong?" Quinn asked sounding concerned. "Did your mom say no." It was more of a statement than a question and Santana could hear the disappointment in her friend's voice. But this was an easy out, she could just say 'yes' and it would be over and done with._

_"Yeah," She sighed out trying to sound as upset about the situation as Quinn had. "She said it wasn't a good idea this weekend." She added, she was even playing the part kicking her shoe against the rug and moping around her living room._

_"Oh, well that sucks." Quinn huffed out sounding defeated. She always looked forward to their sleepovers, they were always eventful._

_"Yeah, but maybe next weekend?" Santana offered, hoping that if she suggested another time the girl would know that it wasn't that she didn't want to have her friend's over, but that in fact this weekend was literally not a good time._

_"Okay, that's cool. I mean, I'd say we could have it here but my mom said that after last time when we broke that snow globe, well, let's just say I'm still working that off." Quinn laughed and Santana appreciated the smile it brought to her face, even if it was only brief._

_"Right, I still say you should have blamed it on Brittany. I mean, no one gets mad at her." Santana chuckled out and she could hear more of her friend's amusement via phone lines. "But, I promise next weekend definitely. Call me tomorrow."_

_"Okay."_

_They said their goodbyes and when Santana hung up she could feel eyes on her, this time though she was comfortable with whom the stare was coming from. She turned around to find her mother standing in the doorway that separated the kitchen and the living room._

_"Mija, you know since Tony has Billy staying over you should invite the girls." Mrs. Lopez suggested with a small smile. She could tell her daughter was upset and she figured it was simply because she wanted to hang out with her friends._

_"Oh, umm, they can't sleep over tonight." Santana lied through her teeth, hoping that her mother did not pick up on her fib. She had become pretty good at these little white lies as of late, so she was convinced she was going to get away with it._

_"Okay baby, maybe next weekend you girl's can camp out in the backyard or something like you used to." Mrs. Lopez smiled brightly. "Smores, scary stories and then I'll come out in the middle of the night and scare Quinn for you and Brittany." She winked letting out a small laugh at the times Santana would get her to do such things. Santana smiled softly at her mother trying to cheer her up and nodded._

_"Definitely, that sounds like a plan." She agreed and watched her mom vanish into the kitchen._

_The rest of her night was boring and worrisome. She laid around flipping through the channels just counting down the minutes of when it was late enough for her to fall asleep. A sound from her door is what woke her up, she hadn't even realized it but she had fallen asleep with the remote in her hand and the television on. When she glanced over at her night stand she saw that it was well pass 2:00am and her eyes squinted at the door that was slowly opening._

_It was what she had expected really. The boy from her brother's room crept in through the small crack he made with the door and shut it, swiftly turning the lock on the knob. He moved through the darkness, the only light was from the flickering from the television. Her grip on the remotes tightened and her body stiffened._

_She wanted to speak but no words would come out of her mouth. Her palms were sweaty and her body shook slightly as she felt him kneel onto her bed._

_"Wh-what are you doing?" She asked hesitantly, but she already knew the answer even before she saw the grin plastered on his face._

_"Puckerman's been running his mouth at practice." She could feel his breath his on her face and she turned away to avoid it._

_According to Billy, Noah Puckerman had been bragging about his late afternoon get together's with Santana to the whole JV football team, which allegedly, Billy was on. He told her that even though he didn't pop her cherry, he had her before that Puck kid._

_She tried to push him away, letting go of the remote which hit the floor and made a loud sound. He told her to be quiet or they were going to get caught by her parents. Santana could just imagine her parents walking in and seeing Billy on top of her, the picture in her mind was scary and embarrassing before anything else. She asked him to just leave her alone but he only giggled, in a way that guys do when they aren't really listening and he moved his hand under her shirt before she could catch it._

_He tried to kiss her but she jerked her head away and around avoiding his lips from touching hers. Billy asked her if she was playing hard to get and she grunted as she used all of her strength to push him up and off of her, but it was to no avail._

_His heavy breathing was in her ear and her pajama pants were at her knees while he moved on top of her. Her mouth opened with the intention of yelling and pleading for him to stop and cry for some help, but all she could think of was anyone catching what was going on. Someone seeing her in a position of weakness, or being used, of not being in control and that made her feel worthless._

_A squeak popped out of her mouth and her eyes were shut tight as he thrust harder into her, pulling down on her shoulders trying to make her move with him. Her arms were so tired from trying to push him off of her that they eventually gave up and lay limp at her sides._

_When the door shut and the boy was gone she stared up at her ceiling for a few more minutes before slowly reaching down and pulling her pajama pants back up. She turned on her side and brought her knees up to her chest, hugging her legs close to her body. She wondered if this was going to happen every night that Billy was here. This was what she had figured was going to happen when she spotted him sitting at their dinner table earlier in the evening._

_Her body shivered at the idea of what would have come of this had Brittany and Quinn been here. Would it have happened? Would he have waited? Would he have done it to Brittany and or Quinn? It was something she could not wrap her head around and could not get out of her head either. It made her sick to her stomach to even go through the possibilities._

_She stayed like that, wrapped up in a ball in the middle of her bed for the rest of the night. She didn't sleep, she couldn't. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw him on top of her, or him sneaking in to her room. Sometimes, when she closed her eyes, she saw everything that she had done and it would just make a new fresh gaping hole in her heart that was starting to fall apart and die._


	6. Holiday From Real

_**now i usually don't post this stories chapters so closely together but i decided to only because i needed to give you guys a breather of sorts. i actually added something to this, i took a review into consideration and i hope that it works for you guys. as always, the italics are the past though the first two sets are from the present day (i use that term loosely because it's present day but a month ago, i would hope its obvious but idk) **_

_**anyways, i really like this chapter, like a lot and i hope you guys enjoy it. it's a lot lighter than the other chapters. so0o read and review:)**_

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**Holiday From Real**

_Santana and Brittany were sitting on the couch preparing for a day filled with their favorite shows they had recorded and saved on their DVR. It was the first day in a week the two girls had a day off, where both of them had off. So they settled down with some sandwiches, the remote and a comfy throw over them._

_Brittany had the remote in her hand scrolling through the shows on the recorded list to start from the beginning of 'Keeping Up With the Kardashian's'. Meanwhile, Santana was not paying much attention to the television or what Brittany was doing because her focus was solely on the blonde's neck. She kissed slowly and methodically up and down the skin there placing small wet kisses just below her girlfriend's ear eliciting a shiver from her._

"_San." Brittany whined playfully shrugging her shoulder up with a small giggle. "Stop it we are supposed to be watching our shows." She explained but her protests were not very convincing as she tilted her head to the side to give the Latina better access to her bare neck._

"_Mmm come on B, when do we ever have the place to ourselves?" Santana mumbled into her skin reaching across Brittany and placing her hand on the blonde's hip pulling her closer. "Quinn is always cock blocking us with her words, her presence or worse, inviting Rachel over." She reminded the girl beside her. "Besides, it's in the DVR it ain't goin anywhere." She emphasized through her kissing._

_Brittany had finally given in to her girlfriend's advances when the phone began to ring. Santana was clearly not stopping her ideas of a fun filled relaxing afternoon because of a stupid phone ringing. But it was incessant and Brittany sighed pushing her hands up to Santana's chest._

"_Phones ringing." Brittany stated the obvious and she could feel and hears Santana chuckle onto her skin as her lips slowly moved up to her ear lobe taking it in between her teeth._

"_I don't hear anything." Santana told her and Brittany rolls her eyes playfully._

"_Let me get it, you know if it's my mom she'll just call back." Brittany reminded her and Santana huffed before pulling her lips away._

"_Fine." She sat back against the couch taking the remote from Brittany as she got up to get the phone._

"_I'll be quick." Brittany said as she scurried across the room to grab the receiver. "Hello?" She smiled into the phone and Santana couldn't help but watch her girlfriend as she spoke on the phone. Brittany always made the most amusing faces when she was speaking to someone on the phone. "Oh, hi." She could tell that it wasn't Brittany's mom, someone different, someone new perhaps. Brittany's eyes flickered to Santana's and she nodded. "Yeah actually she's… she's right here." Brittany pointed to where Santana was sitting and began walking back over towards her. "Fine thanks, you?" The blonde bit nervously on her lower lip as she took the spot beside Santana on the arm of the couch and listened to the person on the other end. "Good, good. Well, here's Santana." Brittany removed the phone from her ear and handed the phone to her girlfriend._

"_Who is it?" She asked in a hushed tone slowly reaching out for the receiver._

"_Miss Pillsbury." Brittany told her in surprise and confusion. Santana could feel her eyebrows furrow, she hadn't spoken to the woman in a long while and she was beyond curious as to why the red headed guidance counselor from her sorted path would be getting in touch with her._

"_Hello?" Santana said, even though she was told who it was she was still hesitant. Brittany watched as it registered on the Latina's face that it was in fact the guidance counselor from their high school back in Ohio. "Oh well, how are you?" She politely asked just as Brittany had done moments ago. Santana chuckled and nodded standing up from the couch and slightly pacing in front of the television with her index finger in between her teeth. "Yeah, yep. Yes we are." She grinned proudly looking over to Brittany winking at her. "Still going strong." She laughed out and Brittany couldn't help but laugh at how cheesy Santana sounded. "Oh?" She let out after a long while of silence and nodding only to listen for a longer time and stopping right in front of the television screen. "Oh." Her eyes widened slightly and her head shot up and her eyes scrunched up to the ceiling. "I see." She let the words come out slowly, making them sound so much longer than they actually were. Brittany saw her open her mouth, probably to respond, but then her eyes darted back to the blonde who was still sitting on the arm rest of the couch. "I should discuss this with Brittany, can I get back to you later?" _

_Santana sounded so kind, so much different than the old high school Santana sounded when she used to refer to the OCD staff member at McKinley High. But then again, Brittany thought, a lot of things had changed that particular year and if it hadn't been for Miss Pillsbury, well Brittany wasn't sure what she would have done. The blonde always admired the guidance counselor, but that day she found herself wanting to be just like her when she got older. The poor woman was always made fun of and never truly respected in her line of work. If people only knew._

"_I understand but I just need to go over it with her before I make any promises." Santana smiled again and she knew it was to Miss Pillsbury. "Okay, sounds good Miss P. I'll talk to you later then." She nodded a few more times. "Bye."_

_Santana hung up the phone and looked at it for a few moments before turning to face Brittany. She placed the phone gently on their coffee table, still staring at it though._

"_Everything okay?" Brittany broke the silence that had filled the room post phone call._

"_Umm, yeah." Santana sighed out shaking her head to clear her thoughts and finally looked back to the blonde. "Miss Pillsbury asked me to come to McKinley at the end of the month." She relayed the message walking over to the couch but not taking a seat. "She told me that they are having a sexual awareness assembly of sorts and… well, she wants me to come and talk to the students." She slowly let her body fall to the couch, placing her hand on Brittany's which was on her own thigh._

"_Like about sexuality?" Brittany asked curiously, Santana was speaking to her in such a vague, riddles kind of way. She wasn't sure where her girlfriend was meaning to go with her words. Santana snapped out of her daze and looked over to Brittany and shook her head._

"_Umm, no." She said quietly. "Not about sexuality, like preferences and stuff like that B." She sighed and looked deeply into Brittany's eyes hoping she would understand without her saying anything. Brittany's blues searched and like always, she got it._

"_Oh." Brittany quickly let out, her eyes tearing from Santana's for a moment just to give her a second to grasp the situation. "Okay." She nodded letting it sink in. "Are you going to go?" She asked cautiously and watched Santana chew on her lower lip and squint her eyes._

"_Do you think I should?" She glanced up to Brittany who was watching her intently._

"_I don't think I can answer that San." Brittany replied with hesitation. "It's up to you and you know that no matter what I will be on your side. But, I will say that I think it might be good for you." She wasn't sure if she should have said that, because in reality it did make her sound like she gave an answer to the question she didn't want to answer. But she could never lie to Santana and she wasn't about to start then._

"_You're right." Santana nodded in agreement rubbing her hand on Brittany's thigh and then leaning her head there._

_

* * *

_

"So she is going to McKinley to talk about everything?" Quinn asks. She's kind of surprised that Santana would be willing to go out and share her experiences with strangers. Brittany nods though, confirming her question.

"Instead of watching our beloved reality shows that day we spent our time discussing the pro's and con's of her going and not going." Brittany explains as she portions their dinner onto their paper plates. "Both lists came down to the same goal though, the same kind of outcome ironically." She muses walking her way over with two plates in her hands and offering one to Quinn who takes it.

"Which was?" She asks after leaving some silence between Brittany's words and her walk to the couch.

"That if she goes and tells those students about her past, she could be helping someone who is going through what she went through. That she can reach out to someone who thinks they are broken and lost and deserve it." Brittany tells her bringing her fork to her mouth and taking a bite of the chicken placed on the prongs. "And if she didn't go, she wouldn't be able to give that person that glimmer of hope that things can get better and that they don't deserve things like that to happen to them." She shrugs her shoulders and continues to eat her food happily.

"Do you think that if we had an assembly like that when we were there things would have been different for her?" Quinn wonders aloud as she plays with the food on her plate.

"Eat." Brittany mutters pushing her fork onto Quinn's plate nudging her food towards her. "I don't know." She sets her own plate on her lap and glances off to the side. "I would like to think so." She tells her blonde friend but keeps her eyes away. "But then again I would like to think a lot of things." She shakes her head, saying those words a little under her breath. "I think that, I mean it's horrible to even think let alone say, but I think that at that point Santana was so far gone she would have rolled her eyes at the whole thing. She probably wouldn't have even gone." She sighs leaning over herself to put her plate on the coffee table in front of them. "I think that's why she was second guessing even going. That's why she was in such a bad mood this month. She was wrestling with going and not going." Brittany admits turning to look at Quinn who was working on her food finally.

"Because she was afraid there would be a 'her' that wasn't gonna be there huh?" Quinn guesses and Brittany nods solemnly.

"If we had one of those things and I went," Brittany looks down at her hands in her lap. "I think I would have been able to see it sooner. Then I would have been able to help and keep her safe, well, safer than she had been." She thinks out loud and shakes her head at herself.

"B, you can't think like that." Quinn reaches out and squeezes her friend's arm tenderly.

"I know, but that's what made her decide to go." Brittany smiles a small smile looking back to Quinn. "She said if there was another 'her' out there then there had to be another 'me'." She tries to explain and Quinn gets it but she continues. "If there was a girl going through what she went through then if her best friend was there she would listen and then she could help." She nods confidently. "She would listen."

* * *

_Brittany was in bed staring up at the ceiling, her thoughts were all over the place which she found odd considering they were really only on one particular topic._

"_Baby?" Santana called from the doorway of their bedroom. Brittany glanced over, her head still on the pillow and she offered her girlfriend a smile. "You okay?" She asked stepping into the room, closing the door behind her and moving to the bed._

"_Yeah, just thinking bout stuff." Brittany shrugged watching Santana kneel onto the bed beside her and lean down to place her lips to her forehead._

"_Like what?" Santana wondered, but she knew the answer. It was most likely the same thing that had been on her mind for the past two weeks._

"_I don't… I don't want you to be in pain again." Brittany sighed out in frustration turning her body into Santana clutching on to her thigh desperate to pull her closer._

"_Britt, baby, I'm fine." Santana tried to comfort her but Brittany would not pull her face away from her leg, only nuzzled in more so. "B, look at me." She said and her voice was soft and soothing. "Brittany." She called again trying to coax the blonde into giving in to her. Brittany gave in and slowly pulled away to look up into those brown eyes. "It hurts sometimes, when I talk about it and when I think about it." Brittany's lips turn upside down into such a sad frown. "But I am so much better now, I promise." She tried to explain leaning down to press her lips to Brittany's._

"_It just makes me so sad San." Brittany did her best to control her emotions but sometimes it was of no use, this was one of those times. "I hate it all and I wish I could erase it." Santana couldn't say anything in return, so she sucked in her lips and let out a sigh and nodded once._

"_Me too B, me too." She shuffled down into bed beside her girlfriend and let the blonde wrap her arms around her body and draw her in closer against her own. "I love you."_

"_I love you too Santana." Brittany said into her ear and kissed her neck softly. "I love you too."_

_

* * *

_

Quinn watches as her friend slowly picks up her plate once again and tries to eat once more. She follows Brittany's lead and works on the food on her own plate as well. The television is merely background noise for her at this moment. She watches Brittany get lost in some show they had decided on.

She knows that this whole situation had to have had taken such a toll on Santana. Sure, she was witness to the person the girl had been in high school and she had seen how much she has changed as well. She can't even fathom the incidents that she went through, the mere thought of it all urked her and she suddenly remembers why she hasn't had much of an appetite for the past day and a half.

But up until now she hasn't really taken in the whole thing. True, this was a tale of Santana's. A story about her life and the horrible things she had experienced as a young girl/young woman. It hadn't actually occurred to her what it had done to Brittany.

The other blonde had always been sunshine and rainbows and little did she know up until yesterday that there were storm clouds hovering over her seemingly perfect life.

From anyone's outsider point of view Santana was a harsh, tainted young girl who was nothing but trouble. She always wondered probably along with other people as well what it was that drew the two together. What was it that made Santana have Brittany and Brittany get Santana? Quinn figured that was one of those questions in the universe that will go unanswered for eternity, but it didn't hurt to try and come up with her own ideas on the pair.

Quinn wakes up with her head in Brittany's lap and she wonders when it was that she had even decided to rest her head in the first place. When she lifts her head she realizes Brittany is still sleeping so she sits up slowly to not wake her. She pulls her knees to her chest trying to blink out the sleep that had unexpectedly taken her over.

She brings the heel of her palm to her right eye shaking her head to get the silence that the brief sleep aided her. But it is of no use as a strangled sob escapes her throat. She quickly covers her mouth and looks at Brittany who is still fast asleep. Knowing there is more where that sob came from she swiftly gets up from the couch, tossing a pillow on the floor in her mad dash to the bathroom.

With haste, she closes the door too worried about the tears and heaving breathes she is battling to notice she'd all but slammed the door. Quinn grabs a hold of one of their hand towels and brings it up to her face trying to muffle the uncontrollable emotions coursing through her body.

Her tears blur her vision making it difficult to move in the small room. So, she opts for taking a seat on the cold tile floor desperately trying to fight back her tears and groans of despair and agony. She cries even harder when she thinks about her hurt and then the hurt Santana had endured for most of her adolescent life. It isn't fair. It doesn't make sense. Santana was strong and smart. It kills Quinn because Santana was those things, she is those things. She can't fathom her best friend anything else. It sends a whole new shock of sobbing through her at even the mere 'thought' of placing Santana as weak and dumb. Apparently that's how those people saw her.

If she had known, if she had only known.

Quinn is still so involved in the hand towel that she doesn't hear the light knock at the bathroom door. She was still too in her head trying to wrap her head around the horror to hear her name being softly said as the bathroom door opens. She didn't flinch or think twice when Brittany crouches down beside her and pulls the hand towel from her mouth letting her cries pour out and echo to the hallway. She doesn't hesitate to grasp at her friend's limbs and pull her to her. And Brittany naturally places her hand on the back of Quinn's head as the blonde cries into her chest.

An hour passes, so does the crying, which has turned into small whimpers and gasps for air. Brittany's grip on Quinn never slacks and the soothing words 'its okay now' never falter or come out to just stop her tears. It _was _okay now.

Eventually, Quinn's breathing controls itself and se lets her eyes watch her own fingers play with Brittany's blonde hair. Brittany, the whole time had been smoothing out Quinn's hair and in between 'sh's', would kiss the top of her head.

She knows this is a lot to handle. She has been in Quinn's position before. No time was easy to deal with this, in fact, it killed her the same way when she heard the story or woke Santana up from a nightmare or went with her to her therapist. It still hurt her and she thinks what pains her the most is that if it killed her this much she wonders what it does to her girlfriend.

What made those times even worth the memory though were the times between her and Santana. Those dark times had also been some of their brightest. Sometimes it was rough looking back and smiling when there was so much hate and hurt.

Brittany figures that it is time to share some of the little ray of sunlight that gave life to that little girl locked in her own dungeon of secrets and pain.

"After Santana… told me everything, I felt like…oh my god, was I one of those people? Had I misread signs I thought she was giving me." Brittany swallows hard feeling that memory climbing up the back of her throat. "I mean, I know I didn't force myself on her, at least I'd hoped. But I couldn't help but feel guilty, you know?"

It isn't really a question but Quinn nods into her chest anyway.

"I remember I broke down, hysterically crying, apologizing like there was no tomorrow." She smiles to herself remembering the moment that changed her life even more. "Of course, in true Lopez fashion she said, 'why the fuck are you apologizing B? You didn't do anything to hurt me'." Both girls chuckle at Brittany's impersonation of Santana. "Once I was able to talk and not babble like a baby, I explained myself and I remember how sad she looked. And I told her so." Quinn sits up, wiping the tears and snot from her face and reaches over for a tissue before resting into Brittany once again. "She said that with me she felt safe, she felt loved and whole. That she believed it was me that saved her." Brittany takes in a deep breath, closing her eyes gently letting the memory of those words and Santana's face when she said them wash over her like soft rain. "That it was me, me and her, that made her believe that it was going to be okay. Or at least hold on to the notion that it might be okay."

"Wow." Quinn hums out into her friend's chest.

"Yeah, but, I still felt like I was wrong. I couldn't help it." She shrugs her shoulders opening her eyes once more. "She could see it in my eyes, you know, in my face and she told me about when she knew I was more than just her best friend."

* * *

_Brittany and Santana stood at the park looking up at the sky. The fireworks going off in town could be seen perfectly from the very spot they were standing. The popping ones that flew off in different directions made both girls squeal with delight and the sounds of little kids yelping excitedly could be heard all throughout their neighborhood. The swirly ones flew up into the sky and faded off just as quickly as they flashed very much like a shooting star. Then there were the silent ones, the ones you couldn't hear from very far away but they were so big, so big and bright and almost seemed to fill up the night sky with its beautiful array of colors._

_Smiling in awe when the big silent ones took over the sky Santana glanced over at her best friend. Her smile softened and her eyes sparkled of blue and red and white and stars as she saw her friends childlike grin come out. Brittany laughed out loud as a new firework jumped into the deep blue sky and turned to her friend. Her laughter stopped but her smile never faltered and even offered a bigger cheesier smile nudging Santana's shoulder with her own at what big kids they were being._

_Her eyes went back to the sky when the light took it over again, this one brighter and bigger than the others before it. She couldn't believe it. She turned back to Santana to read her reaction to this amazing sight and as she opened her mouth to voice her thoughts her words fell short, getting caught in her throat and lost in her mind._

_As the fireworks illuminated the night's sky with an assortment of colors and brightness, she saw something she hadn't seen in a very long time. Santana had her face forward and her eyes to the sky, the flashing lights bouncing off of her flawless skin and brightening up those eyes that had, this past year anyway, always seemed to be so dark and full of secrets. Her mouth was slightly open almost as though she were hoping some of this brightness and light would swim into her mouth and take refuge within her body._

_It was like a magnet, two of them. That's how Santana and Brittany always were. But like with magnets, when they face the wrong way they push each other away they don't want to stick, where other times when they are facing the right way they go together so easily. So easy it's like breathing. This night under the dark blue almost midnight sky, with stars and fireworks alike making the sky look like glitter these two magnets were finally facing the right way._

_Santana's eyes were drawn from the sky and down to her right side where her arm had been hanging. She watched as her best friends hand grabbed onto her own slipping her fingers through Santana's. She saw as Brittany's fingers comfortably found themselves tucked between her own and squeezed their hands together. Her eyes went back up to Brittany who had long since turned her attention back up to the sky with that angelic smile covering her face that it went to her eyes._

_With parted lips and so many words to say, so many secrets to tell Santana swallowed them and let her body move to a close and comfortable position beside Brittany. She licked her lips and let her eyes go back down to their hands and she watched as her own fingers followed Brittany's lead and squeezed it back. It felt good, soft, easy and like it was supposed to be. More importantly though, she felt safe._

"_You look really beautiful when you smile." She heard Brittany whisper between them and she smiled bashfully turning for a moment trying to hide it. Her head lifted to Brittany's when she felt her best friend turn her head to face her. "When you're not thinking about anything and just let yourself be… you're a sight to see San." Brittany added letting her eyes linger on Santana's a little while longer before she squeezed her hand again and looked back up to the sky._

_Santana couldn't tear her eyes from the girl beside her however. It hadn't occurred to her that someone could see her as she wanted to be seen, how she really wanted to be seen and not how she proclaimed to want to be seen. She had been so busy trying to keep up the image that had created itself and in doing so she had pushed people away even though it hurt her. She saw Brittany's eyes light up at the beauty and amazement of things going on above them and realized that the way her friend was looking up at the fireworks and the stars wasn't how she looked at Santana at all._

_Brittany looked at Santana as if __**she**__ were the __**only **__thing in the park. Brittany looked at her as though she was the __**only**__ person in the room… in the __**world**__. Brittany looked at her, she __**saw**__ her. She could see in her eyes that she thought Santana was the most beautiful thing to ever walk the earth._

_Her insides swelled for a moment and she looked to the sky to take control of the range of emotions that ran rampant through her body. _

_It was that moment, that one single moment when Santana realized something so important in her life thus far. She knew that even standing there with those dark clouds in her body hovering over intimate places of a heart she had been sure was nonexistent that there was a special place for the blonde girl holding her hand. _

_The simple gesture that they had offered to one another countless times made those clouds lift, even if only for a moment, a brief and most likely fleeting moment in time. That there were things in the world that held light much like that blazoned sky. There wasn't always darkness, there didn't have to be darkness all of the time. Her secrets coursed through her veins in and out like waves through an ocean until they subsided to a standstill. She was safe in the grasp of her friend whether physically, as minimal as her hand in the blonde's or the usual emotional grasp Brittany had on her. One she wouldn't really come to understand until much later either._

_And maybe the darkness could be overthrown, overcome. The pain would without a doubt always be there and whether or not she found it in her to let them come pouring out of her very being with words or even a simple breakdown of grief and agony in the arms of the very person who had ever truly accepted her completely. But with Brittany's hand in hers she knew that even with the pain, the memories, the secrets, the problems and the failure she believed she was Brittany would be there to help ease it for her. And maybe even one day, eventually, take enough of it away._

_She momentarily felt comfort in her friend's subtle yet meaningful gesture. And she realized, she was not alone._

_

* * *

_

"We stayed there long after the fireworks stopped. Just kind of enjoying the smoke and fog clouding the sky picking out shapes like it was the middle of the day." Brittany muses, letting out one of those girly reminiscing laughs. "When we were younger, I know I wasn't really the smartest…"

"Britt." Quinn sighs, she never liked when her friend would put herself down in that way.

"No Q, I know I wasn't. School wise anyway but if Santana were a subject I would have been like, valedictorian." She explains herself and gets a chuckle from her blonde friend who still had her head against her chest. "Or at least I would have been a very good student. For some reason I knew her, I got her and the best part about that was that she let me get her."

"She still does." Quinn's voice was muffled against Brittany's shirt, but the taller blonde could hear her and she appreciated it very much.

"Yeah." Brittany nods her hand stroking Quinn's hair. "It's funny because I always knew there was something about her that sparked something inside of me I just couldn't pin point it exactly. You know? The feeling." She breathes out, her mind still replaying that night in the park back in their hometown. "It killed me, knowing there was something going on inside of her, inside her mind, her heart… everywhere, and not knowing. Not being able to be the one she could come to, because I was that person for her, usually anyway. But I knew that there was something there and I just couldn't get it." Brittany pauses briefly, closing her mouth before a small sighing sob can escape. She shuts her eyes tightly in hopes of keeping her tears in her control. With a deep breath and a happy memory, she smiles and lets the air out, a small tiny tear sneaking out at the last minute.

"That night though, it was just us. Like it was about us, I could feel that then, I still feel it when I think about it really." Brittany shakes her head at herself at how nostalgic a memory from nearly eight years ago can still conjure up intense feelings. "Our touches lingered, and every time her skin touched mine it was like I was on fire. Like a spark popped between our skin and it just lit up everything, but all I could see was her." Her smile widens as she twirls some of Quinn's hair between her fingers. "Even the faintest, tiniest brush of skin made me buzz. And then there are her eyes…"

* * *

_They sat there in the park side by side, shoulders barely touching. Brittany had said something Brittany-esque and of course Santana found it not only humorous but adorable and turned to give her an approving smile. She caught her best friend looking back at her and the two shared a grin with one another before turning their attention back up at the summer night sky above them._

_Time had passed and the two casually and without much thought wound up lying on their sides on the blanket, their heads perched up in their palms leaning on their elbows facing one another. Brittany had been playing with a pile of grass that she had picked earlier and was throwing blades of it at Santana whenever the smaller girl cracked a joke about one of the kids in their school. But Santana found it amusing and continued to spit out nicknames for the lower class of their school and Brittany kept tossing grass in her face._

_It had gotten to a point where Santana was on fire and decided to turn her mean nicknames on Brittany's beloved Disney characters thus getting the whole pile of grass in her face. She brought her hands to her face to cover herself but it seemed of no use and instead she grabbed at Brittany's wrists to stop the assault._

_They laughed hard and soft and tried to hold in their laughter trying to be as serious as possible, but that only made the laughter grow. Brittany tried her best to put up a good fight but it seemed that Santana was a little bit stronger than her in this one and she soon found herself being held down. She opened her eyes when she felt her arms pinned down to the side of her head and she saw Santana staring back down at her._

_Santana's fingers loosened around her friend's wrists and she moved a little further from Brittany's face, like she were trying to get a better look at her. Amusement had faded from their faces and replaced by thoughtful smiles and glazed over eyes as they stared back at one another. _

_Brittany tilted her head, shifting against the blanket they had been laying on, on the grass. She watched Santana's eyes flicker from her eyes to her mouth then back to her eyes. She wondered if Santana had noticed her do the exact same thing but to her. She saw her best friend unconsciously lick her lips and nervously avert her eyes from her all together for a brief moment._

"_You can you know." Brittany whispered into the summer night air, searching Santana's deep brown eyes for that little spark she knew she caught moments ago, and so many times before. If possible, it looked as though Santana's chest had relaxed and tightened all at the same time. Her eyes widened and she shifted a little over Brittany._

"_What?" She breathed out sounding very unsure of what her friend was saying. Brittany looked right into her eyes, making sure to pay equal attention to both of those beautiful brown eyes._

"_Kiss me." Brittany replies carefully, only loud enough for them to hear._

_Immediately Santana's mouth opened, Brittany assumed most likely to protest even though she knew for a fact that the thought had crossed the Latina's mind. Maybe she hadn't said it with words, but she didn't have to._

_Instead of a protest or some sort of excuse a small squeak came from the back of her throat and tumbled over her parted lips. She searched Brittany's eyes for the possible joke hidden somewhere there. Santana really wasn't all that surprised when she didn't find the humor in Brittany's words or in the way the blonde was looking back up at her._

_She looked to the side when she felt Brittany slipping her wrist from Santana's hands, slowly pulling her arms down until their hands were joined. They both watched as Brittany laced their fingers together and gently squeezed them closer. Santana smiled softly, it felt a little different this time. It felt the way she had always wanted it to feel but pushed it down and aside and away._

"_So, just so you know." Brittany broke their silence once more, bringing Santana's attention back to her. The blonde nodded once and swallowed the tiny lump of nerves caught in her throat. "If you wanted to, kiss me that is… you can." She repeated because she had to make sure that Santana understood her without any questions. She shrugged when a few seconds went by and Santana hadn't said anything or done anything._

_Brittany was in the middle of turning her head towards their clasped hands when Santana swiftly bent down catching her lips at the last second. It was a peck and she quickly pulled back to gauge the situation. Brittany, though she wanted that to happen, was completely caught off guard, but the surprise factor wore off in no time and was soon taken over by a sweet smile._

_Santana grinned at her when she saw that Brittany was receptive, in a good way, to the kiss. The blonde leaned up slightly and nodded, whispering 'again' into Santana's mouth before pressing their lips together for a longer kiss. It wasn't quick, it wasn't short and sweet. It was long, in between hard and soft, that in between where if either girl had to describe it they would say it was 'just right' or 'perfect' even._

_Brittany moved her hand that was not clasped in Santana's up to her best friend's neck, pulling her closer to deepen the kiss a little more. It wasn't like any kiss Santana had ever experienced. Brittany didn't rush like the boys she had kissed, she didn't press too hard and she wasn't sloppy. Brittany was the way she imagined her first kiss to be. And even though the neighborhood had ceased in celebration of the day, Santana could have sworn she saw fireworks._

_Her body slowly lowered until she was pressed fully on top of the blonde and she let her hand rest on Brittany's shoulder. Their lips ventured further tongues tentatively seeking entrance and exploration privileges, which were fully granted by both. When she pulled back for air, they looked to one another both with smiles on their faces._

"_You're a good kisser." Brittany hummed out, squeezing Santana's hand in her own, her eyes looking from Santana's and back to her lips. Santana nodded a small sigh of contentment coming out._

"_You too." She agreed before leaning down and doing it all over again._

_

* * *

_

"She was sweet and gentle and her kisses were thoughtful and careful." Brittany smiles at Quinn who had since moved to lean up against the tile walls of their bathroom. "I remember being scared right before it happened, when I told her she could kiss me because, well Santana Lopez is a badass and I wasn't sure what to expect really." She thought out loud, from the look in her eyes, Quinn could tell she wasn't looking at her but seeing the scene in her mind again. "At one point when we finally needed some air," She grins and blushes slightly averting her eyes from Quinn who has a smirk on. "She looked right in my eyes and I could see that happy girl inside, the one who smiled all of the time and told jokes and just wanted to make people laugh. And I remember feeling so relieved." Her voice is airy and proud. "So relieved that Santana was there, there with me and in that moment and then she brushed some hair out of me face." She lifts her hand as though to show Quinn how Santana had done it that night. "And then she kissed the corner of my mouth and told me I meant so much more to her than the word 'friend' could ever really express." Quinn quirks an eyebrow, wondering if a teenage Santana was really that good with words back then, and Brittany simply nods.

* * *

_In Brittany's bedroom the girls stood on opposite sides of the bed. Their eyes stayed on the other as they prepared the bed for sleep, removing the throw pillows and various stuffed animals an__d pulling down the comforter. They smiled at one another as they slipped into the full bed, getting under the covers and turning out the light on the nightstand._

_The television lit up the room, barely, but enough for them to maintain eye contact. It was on mute and the only sound that either girl could hear was the other's breathing and their own heartbeats. And like magnets, their bodies inched closer and closer together until Brittany could feel Santana's breath on her face and Santana could feel Brittany's. _

_Santana brought her hand up from under the covers and reached for Brittany's which had been resting on her pillow. Her fingers drew shapes in Brittany's palm ever so lightly before grasping it and bringing the back of her friend's hand to her lips. Brittany grinned at the feeling of Santana kissing her hand, it was so soft and almost not there, only it was._

"_I really like kissing you." Santana breathed out, letting their clasped hands fall between their pillows. Brittany blushed slightly, thankful for the dim lighting in her room. "I kind of want to do it again." She admitted looking down at their hands, a little embarrassed that her thoughts actually came out of her mouth._

"_I really, really like kissing you too Santana." Brittany told her, dipping her head down to get Santana to look back at her. "And I totally want you to do it again." She bit down on her lower lip._

_

* * *

_

"That's how the rest of the summer went." Brittany smiles, her head resting against the cabinet by the bathroom sink, her eyes closed. "When we were alone anyway." She clarifies. "Quiet whispers, light touches under tables or in the back seat anywhere we could without being 'obvious'." She brings her head down, her chin resting on her chest and her eyes looking down at Quinn's hands that are on her lap. "And so many sweet lady kisses." Her nose scrunches at the way they used to describe their kissing, as though putting it in a category of its own made it different, which in reality it _was_ different.


	7. House of Cards

**hey peeps. i'm soo0o0o sorry it's been ridiculously long since i last posted... to like any of my stories. but in all seriousness i've been dealing with some nonsense and my stories kind of took a backseat. i'm sure all of you could understand and relate. but, regardless of my hiatus i do want to extend appologies for making you wait so damn long. **

**also, to those of you who took the time to review i seriously thank you so much. really, especially on a piece like this feedback really means a lot.**

**so, without further ado, here is chapter 7 to Hush. let me know what you think.**

* * *

**House of Cards**

_She stood there at the foot of her bed, her arms wrapped around her chest with one hand holding tightly to the towel covering her still slightly wet body. A sigh of contentment puffed through her parted lips which curled upwards at the corners. This was her future, this was going to make her, and this was going to __**be **__her for the next four years of her life._

_Her hand came down, the one not holding her towel, and she brushed her fingers over the fabric of the red, white and black uniform that her mom had just gotten back from the cleaners. Mrs. Lopez had had it pressed for her daughter for the first day of school, wanting to make sure she was the very picture of perfection._

_Just as she was about to prepare her body to be clad in McKinley swag her attention was brought to her cell phone buzzing on her nightstand. Tightening the towel once again she moved hurriedly picking it up in a quick swipe and flipping it open not bothering to check who it was, she knew._

"_Hey." She smiled into the greeting, her voice was soft and wispy._

"_Hey." The voice that returned to her was equally gentle and an almost whisper. "Happy first day of school." Santana chuckled with a playful eye roll and turned around heading to the foot of her bed once again._

"_I don't really think this is something that you celebrate Britt." She told her friend. Santana knew it was a lost cause because Brittany always found a way to make anything a celebration. After a beat of silence she finally gave in with a smirk. "But happy first day to you too." She could see the smile on the blonde's face without having to actually see it._

"_Where's your locker?" Brittany asked curiously with a hint of concern. _

_Back in middle school the two had shared a locker due to the fact that the stupid school had gone in alphabetical order and their separate lockers were on different floors. But this time around and thanks to a lot of temper tantrums in the main office and several meetings with Principal Figgins, Santana had made it possible for their lockers to be relatively close to one another's._

"_597." She muttered into the phone, her schedule card in hand with her locker number and its combination in the right hand corner. "You?" They had already had this conversation but they both understood Brittany's need to be reassured that things were as they were._

"_599!" Santana mouthed the blonde's numbers to herself with a smile on her lips as Brittany squealed into the receiver. "We are so close to each other." Brittany cheered on and Santana could hear some outside noise from her friend's end of the line letting her know she was actually jumping up and down._

"_Yeah I know." She nodded her head taking a seat beside her new Cheerio's uniform and letting out a sigh. "Yo Brittz, I gotta finish getting ready. But be ready by 7:15, okay?" She reminded her of when Mrs. Lopez and herself would be arriving in front of the Pierce home to pick up Brittany for school._

"_Okay, see you soon." And with that happy voice came a click to follow. Santana smiled down at the phone in her hands, turning her attention back to the uniform._

"_Alright, here we go." She told herself finally reaching out to prepare herself for her high school debut._

_7:15 came quicker than she had expected, but regardless of time flying by she looked flawless. She looked down at her nails as she and her mother waited outside for Brittany to come out and join them. Mrs. Lopez was talking animatedly about how exciting and fun high school could be if one was in the right social circle. Santana heard her say some things about 'good friends', 'the rumor mill', 'cliques' and 'gossip' but the younger of the two had learned over the past year how to tune her mother's voice out._

_But even in her own world she could be brought back to reality with the help of one word, 'Brittany'. Her head snapped up and to the direction of the Pierce's front door when she heard the blonde's name leave her mother's lips._

"_I can't believe how beautiful Brittany has gotten. Look at her in that uniform sweetie." Is what Mrs. Lopez had actually said but at the time all of the other words had been irrelevant because all she heard was 'Brittany'._

_Santana watched her best friend walk down her porch, up her walkway and towards the car. It had been one of those moments in time where everything fell away in the background and it all slowed down. She saw how the blonde's hair bounced in the high regulation ponytail and the way her skirt swayed from side to side. Then there were her legs but before she could really focus on them she was broken from her staring contest with Brittany Pierce's body by the feeling of her mother nudging her elbow._

"_Are you listening to me?" Mrs. Lopez asked in exasperation, gripping the steering wheel once again. "Hello Brittany." She turned her head around to see the blonde teenager take a seat in the back behind her daughter._

"_Hey Mrs. Lopez." Brittany waved excitedly to her best friend's mother and shut the door. "Morning Santana." She said, leaning forward and patting Santana's shoulder._

"_M-morning." Santana stuttered. She shook her head trying to get those images from only a few moments ago out of her mind._

_The ride to school was pretty uneventful, as it would be for a while until the two girls got settled at McKinley and the nervousness of starting high school wore off. But for the first few weeks it would be quiet except for Brittany and Mrs. Lopez having discussions of all things nonsensical while Santana's brain wandered into its own conversations._

_She couldn't shake that feeling she had gotten upon seeing the blonde girl in her cheerleading uniform. It wasn't like she hadn't seen her in a bikini for Christ's sake so this was bordering on confusing. All in all, it really of made all kinds of sense. The two had shared a kiss, well, several if one were keeping count. Actually, they had shared more than enough make-out sessions in the shed out behind the Pierce garage, in the blonde's bedroom and occasionally in Santana's room._

_In a way it was kind of relieving to be able to distinguish the feeling that seeing Brittany stirred up inside of her. It was a want that was for sure but, not quite yet, sort of. But even with the ability to almost categorize the feeling fluttering deep down in her stomach making her feel good, great even, it made her nervous as hell. She was well aware of the fact that what she and Brittany had been taking part in since the fourth of July was not normal between two girls, in a town like Lima anyhow. So that's why it made it easier for them to keep it quiet, not talk about it outside the comfort of an empty room or in the middle of the night when prying eyes and ears were sound asleep. Things like that worked better when no one else was involved._

_However, keeping things quiet and only between them wasn't as easy as it seemed. It was still girl on girl situations and in that cow town minds were shaped to certain thoughts. It wasn't something she could keep as a constant in her life, not at that time in her life when everything wasn't black and white but black and blue. Sure, with Brittany in it she sparkled up the joint but it didn't erase things. If anything it only further complicated things. So, she would have to figure out how the two of them were going to fit into the equation of high school and still be able to be best of friends and the new form of 'Santana and Brittany' and still be able to keep that last part under wraps._

* * *

"For the first couple of days, in school anyway, Santana was like a robot." Brittany tells the other blonde pulling at a tear in the pair of Santana's sweatpants she is wearing. She giggles and shakes her head. "It was like she was programming herself for the next four years or something." Quinn smirks at the thought because it was something she could not only see Santana doing but, she saw herself doing it too. "She went through the motions, gathering data about the in-crowd, the jocks, the 'lower life', the teachers… anything and anyone that would keep her ahead of the pack." Her eyes look up to meet Quinn's who nods her head up and down acknowledging the information.

* * *

"_Why do you keep talking to Noah?" Brittany asked her friend as they left their lockers and headed to class. Santana quickly glanced at the blonde pulling on the straps to her backpack and she shrugged her shoulders._

"_Well apparently it's 'Puck' now." Santana informed her friend as a note before the explanation and Brittany nodded. "And I keep talking to him because if I talk to him then he talks to me which means I'm 'in'." She told her with little enthusiasm making it sound as though it were requirements for a dead end but much needed job. "And if I'm in then by association you and Quinn are in." She finished and turned her head to catch Brittany's eyes._

"_Okay, but, I mean…" Brittany started, her head tilted to the side as she gathered her thoughts. "I thought you said boys like… 'Puck' only talk to girls for one thing." The blonde recited Santana's very words making the shorter girl slow down until coming to a stop and grabbing the blonde's arm._

"_Look Britt, this is how it goes in the world." Brittany's eyebrows furrowed and her nose scrunched a little. Santana sighed and looked over her shoulder quickly. "Well, it's how it works in this world." She corrected herself and Brittany's head bobbed up and down. "Especially in a place like Nowhere, Lima USA." Her own shoulders fell. She didn't like it but it was fact, it was what she knew. "I've told you before, sometimes you have to give a little to get a little."_

"_Like the sex stuff?" Brittany questioned curiously and innocently. Santana nervously bit her lip but was quick to shake it off._

"_Yeah. I mean, it's just sex." She tossed out into the air without another thought and spun around on her heels pulling Brittany along with her._

* * *

"I never realized how young we were." Quinn's silence is broken, her voice interrupting Brittany's for a moment. "We were just kids and we never really gave it a second thought about the things Santana was talking about… or the things she was doing." She shakes her head. "Obviously _I_ was a prude so regardless of age I was going to have a different view… but, even with that I assumed I was just my 'tight ass church girl' self that Santana never had a problem reminding me about."

"Are you kidding me?" Brittany stretches her foot out to get her friend's attention again. "We were normal kids, trying to be as grown up as possible. We totally watched not age appropriate television and movies and desperately wanted to experience everything we were too impatient to wait for." She points out getting a sigh of agreement from Quinn. "Or like, not even that we were impatient really but more like we thought we could handle it." She tilts her head just as she always has, letting all her thoughts come together.

The quiet comes over them again and Quinn silently agrees with everything Brittany has said and what she doesn't have to say. She too thought that she could handle 'grown-up' situations by herself. She remembers when she had first found out she was pregnant and at one point she had actually considered telling absolutely nobody. But, even when she did tell someone she had been delusional enough to think she could keep it from her parents.

"It's kind of funny, ya know?" Quinn laughs out, looking up from the spot on the floor she had been staring at. "Adults spend all their time telling us not to do this, don't do that because then 'this' will happen. But, they never tell us what to do when 'this' actually does happen." They stare at one another, words floating around them and sinking in. "They waste most of our youth dictating and preaching and never really truly preparing us for anything at all."

* * *

"_And no drinking."_

"_Mom." Quinn whined she hated when her mother acted like this, especially when her friends were waiting for her outside. "Can I go now?" She said through gritted teeth. Judy sighed from her spot on the couch, drink in hand and her chin in the other._

"_Please just be responsible." Mrs. Fabray pleaded with her 14-year-old daughter. "And just because Santana gets Brittany to do something doesn't mean you have to do it too."_

_It's the last thing Quinn hears before she shuts the door behind her. She didn't really understand what her mother's problem was with Santana. The woman had known the other girl since Quinn and Santana had met back in nursery school. Judy loved Brittany but got rubbed the wrong way when it came to the other shorter, darker girl from the wrong side of the tracks and she was never shy about voicing her opinion._

"_Whoa, Britt you scared me." Quinn jumped back bringing her hand to her chest when she came face to face with her blonde buddy who was surprisingly on the front stoop. "I thought you were waiting in the car?" She questioned, brushing past the girl in front of her to lead them back to the car in the driveway._

"_Why did your mom say that about me and Santana?" Brittany asked catching up to Quinn's pace. _

"_I don't know." Quinn shook her head. In all honesty she didn't know what it was exactly but she knew it was because she didn't like Santana. "You know how she gets." She offered as an explanation. "She needs something to complain about 24/7 and since I'm the only one home she has to gab about my life." It was good enough for Brittany who nodded as they finally reached the car._

* * *

"My mother always thought Santana was a bad influence." Quinn sighs out, her eyes drawn to the frayed strings that Brittany's fingers were twirling around and tugging at. Brittany smirks and rolls her eyes.

"I think everyone's mother thought she was a bad influence." She exclaims nudging her foot into Quinn's thigh getting a small giggle out of the girl. "It wasn't like she really gave them a reason not to think that." She shrugs her shoulders and turns her attention back to the ever growing hole in her girlfriend's sweats. Quinn looks up to Brittany and studies her briefly.

"Your mom didn't." A simple statement and so true, Quinn had always noticed growing up with the couple, when they were friends, how Mrs. Pierce didn't treat Santana the way her own mother did.

Judy Fabray was abrasive and rash when it came to the tiny Latina whereas Brittany's mother welcomed her in with open arms and at many times entrusted her daughter's very safety in the hands of one Santana Lopez. It would make sense to the blonde in the later years of high school just why the dark haired girl was given such power from a mother not her own.

"She saw what I saw." Brittany quietly replies before pushing herself up from her spot on the couch. "Soda?"

Quinn nods, watching her bubbly friend hop and bounce to the kitchen to retrieve their beverages. That _**was**_ the exact reason. Nobody ever saw Santana the way that Brittany saw her, it was always so confusing to the rest of the student body, especially Quinn who had for a long time been a part of their tight click. But once she saw it, she understood it. She got it.

* * *

_Since she was on varsity Cheerio's her presence was made mandatory by the head Cheerio. Of course she wanted to go regardless but the fact that she was a freshman would have made attending it difficult, but she was lucky enough to have made the squad as a freshmen and she wasn't going to have to sneak into any parties this year like she had originally planned on doing. _

_Before they even made it through the living room she was handed a red cup and told to have a good time. Checking out the contents of the cup, which appeared to be filled with beer, she shrugged and began drinking it as though she had been drinking beer her whole life. She couldn't show the room full of upper classmen that she secretly and inwardly wanted to gag as the bubbly drink burned her tongue and tasted awful. She noticed that Quinn had rejected the cup offered to her and a few of the guys and girl made fun of her._

_It figured that Quinn Fabray would stick to her goody two shoes bible beating ways even at a house party with older kids. Santana laughed to herself figuring that the girl was not going to be able to sustain popularity by just being on the Cheerio's. You not only have to walk the walk but you have to talk the talk Santana always thought. You can't just act cool, you have to be cool. It needs to pour out of you and ooze out of your pores or else you're just a faker. If she were going to be the most popular girl in school, Santana was certain she would do anything and everything that was required of her. So with that thought process, she quickly finished her first cup of beer before she even made it into the kitchen._

_"Whoa Frosh. It's a marathon not a sprint." One of the football players shouted to her over the loud music and incessant chattering in the house. Santana wiped the beer foam from her lip with her finger and smirked at him._

_"Maybe I'm more experienced than I look." She quirked an eyebrow passing her now empty cup off to him motioning to the keg so he'd fill it up again._

_"Alright then." He winked at her and before he turned his focus to the keg to watch what he was doing he looked her up and down admiring her assets and curves in her newly pressed Cheerio's uniform. "Here you go." He handed her back a fresh and full cup. "Remember, there's more where that came from." He said low into her ear before walking off into the kitchen to give high fives to his stupid jock buddies. After he vanished from sight she turned back to the kitchen finding Brittany walking towards her looking confused into her cup._

_"This soda tastes funny." Brittany told her taking another small sip to confirm her statement. Santana furrowed her brow waiting for the 'just kidding' part of her friend's statement, but then she shook her incredulous glare because this was Brittany._

_"That's because it's not soda Britt." She told her softly. Brittany looked from Santana and then back to the cup._

_"Oh, well that makes sense then I guess." She shrugged and continued to drink the beer even though after every sip she made a face._

_She glanced around the room and spotted Quinn leaning against the counter talking to Finn Hudson, McKinley's own resident dumbass. She couldn't understand what it was in that guy that Quinn found so fascinating. Maybe he made her feel superior. Santana could really care less, but if she had to she could only think that Quinn was kind of smart in her guy choice. Finn was so dumb that he wouldn't realize that Quinn was wearing the pants in the relationship, she would forever have him on a leash and he wouldn't even notice. So maybe Quinn wasn't as boring as she thought._

_The night continued on rather normally and without much drama and Santana found herself slightly bored. She assumed that a party at a senior's house would be banging but all she could think was 'this blows'. With cup in hand she meandered her way through the main level of the house. Some kids were dancing, couples were up against the walls grinding and grossly making out with one another and the stupid meathead jocks were all circled around the keg making it impossible for anyone else to refresh their beverage._

_She rolled her eyes when she glanced across the room and saw Brittany talking animatedly to some of the Cheerio's. Sure, being a Cheerio was kind of dream come true. She had dreamt about it ever since she saw pictures of them in her parents Thunderclap from back in the day but, it was so time consuming and it stuck her in this group of dumb jocks and even more brain dead cheerleaders. Santana never thought there would really be a day when she was the smartest one of the group and it actually be completely true. _

"_Hey, I got you a refill." She heard from behind her. The lips that were unfamiliar grazed her ear and the hot air that hit her skin was uncomfortable. But she slapped on a smile and turned around quickly to find that jock from earlier holding out a new cup for her, filled to the rim._

"_Oh thanks." Santana forced out trying to use her 'Cheerio' voice. She gratefully accepted the cup disposing of her other one on a counter to her left. _

"_I was wondering when I'd bump into you again." The guy told her with a stupid smirk on his face._

"_All you had to do was ask." She replied and she pursed her lips afterwards eyeing the boy up seductively. Since this was a typical red blooded American boy he was quick on picking up that sultry voice and sexy quirked eyebrow she had sent his way. In fact she had never seen a boy's eyebrows go up that far. _

"_Well then," He tried to sound smooth and casual but Santana could see right through all that and when he grabbed her hand to lead her away she even rolled her eyes behind his back. "How about we bump into each other somewhere more private?" It wasn't a question seeing as he was practically dragging her out of the room and not even waiting for a response._

"_Definitely." She smirked at the other girl's who stared at them as he began to lead her up the stairs and she wondered if this was his house, not that it really would have mattered. All she cared about was the fact that this letter jacket was not only talking to her but was clearly interested in her._

"_Here." No name jock motioned to the second bedroom, it was the only door open._

_Santana walked in first, cup still firmly gripped with both of her hands, and she looked around the not at all lit room. She couldn't see a thing and could only assume it was his room or perhaps his friend, whoever the hell's house it was. She nearly dropped her cup onto the dark colored carpet when she felt hard, rough hands on her bare shoulders and chapped lips against her neck._

"_What are you doing?" It came out before she could stop it along with the fact that she jumped out of his grasp and away from him as well. She couldn't see his face but she could feel the confused and slightly annoyed eyes boring into her._

_"So you're just a tease huh?" His voice was not amused. He obviously had brought her up there for one thing and one thing only and it was only at that moment that it all really hit her._

_"I'm not a tease." She tried to recover quickly and sauntered over to a small desk by the window that gave off a little light. Her eyes scanned it quickly until she changed directions and moved to a night stand looking contraption and placed her red cup down. "It's just…" Her words were lost again as she turned to face his dark figure and crossed her arms._

_"Oh great, so you're a prude. Jesus all you little freshman girls think it's so cool to come to these parties and show skin and get us all worked up and then you don't put out." He spits getting frustrated. "I bet you're still a virgin yeah?" He asked but it was not kindly. It was not in the way that she would imagine a guy to ask her. She imagined that if she were to be intimate with someone that they would gently and politely ask her if she were still a virgin. But he sounded angry, and disappointed and annoyed._

_"I'm not a virgin." She told him with fake confidence. It was not exactly something she was proud to admit, but it was the truth. Her innocence was stolen a long time ago and there was no point in trying to play a sweet little innocent and pure girl. She was not any of those things. She never was. "Maybe I just don't want to do it with you." She spit back at him trying to make this time feel like it was her decision. She knew what was going to happen, regardless of her protests, regardless of her fight. She couldn't escape it, she already knew her fate in those situations. She quirked an eyebrow challenging him to question her words._

_"Oh baby you'd be missing out. I'm the best you're ever going to have." He told her in this testosterone filled pride and sureness of himself and he stepped closer to her. He slid his rough calloused hand down her bare arm and she fought the shudder that wanted to come out and she forced out a smile as though she loved his hands on her._

_"Prove it." She said in a low voice and she could see it in his eyes that just the tone of her words set him off and he grabbed her by both arms and forced his lips on hers._

_She let him kiss her for a while until she realized she was not reacting to it. So eventually she opened her mouth and let his tongue touch hers. He tasted like mixed liquor_ _and dip and kind of like he probably didn't brush his teeth before he came to the party tonight. But she was a freshman and he was a senior and she didn't want to act like a little kid and pull away with a look of disgust. She felt his fingers grab at the back of her thighs and then slapped her ass hard. She jumped at the contact but didn't make a sound, letting him continue his exploration of her body._

_Before she could even go over what was happening it was like she blinked once and then she was staring at the blinds of a window. She could see through them to the street where some of the kids were being loud and wrestling on the front lawn, the girls watched and cheered them on. Her spankie pants were down to her ankles and her Cheerio's skirt was lifted to her back by his hands where he was keeping it in place as well as gripping her hips and making her move where he wanted her. Her hands were gripped onto a desk that she imagined belonged to a little boy. To the right of her she noticed a small t-ball trophy and some baseball cards stacked up in front of it. Each time he moved into her she watched as the stack of cards moved and slowly tumbled into a mess on the desk, as though someone had picked them up and let them fall through their fingers._

_He bent down to push his chest and stomach onto her back and his hot sweaty breath hit her cheek as he grunted into her ear. One of his hands moved from her hip and he started grasping at her through her Cheerio's top trying desperately to get a good handful as he continued to hip movements which seemed to grow faster and more frantic._

_With two final thrusts he came to a halt, but she could still feel him. He was still inside of her taking yet another piece of her just like all of the rest. She listened as his heavy breathing and panting became controlled and she tried to tune him out and tune out the feeling of him slowly sliding out of her. She kept her hands on the desk, her chest just inches from it, hovering over it, her eyes still fixed on the front lawn. She spotted Brittany standing on the sidewalk with her phone in her hand and she was looking around. Quinn eventually came out of nowhere and Brittany said something to her and she saw them both look around._

_"Thanks frosh." She heard him say from behind her and she was brought back to reality. The sound of him zipping his fly and buckling his belt alerted her that her spankie pants were still wrapped around her ankles and she couldn't help but blush with embarrassment and regret as she bent down in front of him to pull them back up. "We should most definitely do this again." He smacked her ass, not too hard but hard enough for her to shut her eyes and not turn around to acknowledge him. The door opened behind her and closed within seconds and she opened her eyes._

_She looked down at the desk top and watched as her sweaty handprints fade away as the air dried it up. She couldn't help but internally laugh at how easy sweat and tears could fade and dry and there were no remnants or reminders that they had ever happened. Meanwhile there are other things that never go away and are forever engraved and carved into you. After her handprints were fully gone she looked back to the trophy she had noticed and then picked up the baseball cards and neatly stacked them up the way they had been prior to the events that had taken place._

_Santana turned around ready to head to the door to get out of there and leave everything that had just happened in that very room. But on her journey to the door she couldn't help but look around at the room she was in. It was clearly a boy's room but it was interesting. He had posters up of his favorite comic book characters, he had a couple of cd's in the cd tower, he had a gamer chair in front of his television and a few action figures neatly placed beside his bed on the nightstand. She smiled at the memories of childhood and how simple everything used to be. The toys she used to play with, the games she and her friends used to make up, the smiles she used to smile and the tears she used to cry. She couldn't remember the last time she cried really. It seemed like such a foreign thing to her now._

_She grabbed the door knob and took a deep breath before pulling it open and joind the party just as easily as she had left it. She walked down the stairs almost prepared for people to see on her face what had just happened. She was pretty shocked to see that there was no such reaction. In a way, she was almost glad that there weren't eyes on her, but at the same time she had specifically done this for a reason. To be on top._

_She was eventually found by her two blonde friends who had been wandering around the party looking for her. At first she wanted to tell them where she had been and tell them that it was so good and amazing and that she could totally see them dating and then she'd be like the only freshman at prom._

_But she couldn't say anything, she couldn't tell them what she had done. Because all of the reasons of why she would even want to dispense the information would be all lies. It wasn't good. She actually couldn't even remember most of it. When she started to feel him moving inside of her, her mind wound up somewhere else. It wasn't amazing. Because she could remember when he asked her if she was ready and that he didn't even wait for an answer and just pushed into her. She knew they weren't going to wind up dating because that's not what this was. He didn't like her, he probably didn't even know her name. She was fun for him and that's all. They were not going to be walking off hand in hand into the sunset and most definitely not going to the prom together._

_So she made up a lie about snooping through the house because the party was borderline lame and that she couldn't believe she actually used to look up to these losers. Of course Brittany believed her and agreed that the party sucked. Quinn in her typical fashion was polite about it and found the positive side of things talking about how she and Finn have a lot in common and that she is definitely into him._

_The three freshmen Cheerio's decided to call it a night and walked back home. Brittany and Santana walked Quinn home and then walked to their block together pinky in pinky. For most of the journey they stayed silent and enjoyed each other's company._

_"Are you okay Santana?" Brittany broke the silence._

_Santana wanted to tell her that she wasn't okay. That everything was fucked up and that while Quinn and she had been searching for her she was bent over a 10 year olds desk staring at baseball cards. She wanted to tell her best friend about the football player who took her from behind. She wanted to tell Brittany about the handprint she was sure was on her backside from the football player when he climaxed. Santana wanted to tell her best friend that she felt dirty and disgusting and used and that when he was inside of her all she wanted to do was go home._

_"Yeah Britt Britt. I'm great." Santana lied forcing a smile to her face when she looked up at Brittany quick._

_"Okay." Brittany replied and Santana took that as her friend believing her. "Do you want to sleep over tonight?" She offered and Santana genuinely smiled up at her friend this time and nodded._

_"Definitely." She squeezed her friend's pinky in her own and they headed to the Pierce residence._

_The house was quiet and dark when they got inside. The girls softly padded up the steps to Brittany's room getting slightly blinded by the offending bright lights of her bedroom. Brittany grinned when Santana squealed and shaded her eyes with her hands. The blonde tossed her friend shorts and a tank top for bed and then went to change herself. Getting done folding their clothes on Brittany's desk chair Santana carefully placed her spankie pants in between her skirt and top afraid that there may be some stains that would give her away. The girls slipped into Brittany's bed shutting the light off and trying to get warmed up after walking home in the chilly fall air._

* * *

"She really wanted it to be different." Brittany plays with the soda can in her hand, twisting and turning it around but not crushing it. "I don't think she really intended on turning… on letting that part, that past dictate where she was going to go or who she was going to be when we finally got to high school." Her shoulders slump and her thumb catches under the tab of the can. "But, it was like she didn't have control over it, like… when you're going to fall and you know there's no way to catch or stop yourself so you just accept the falling part and figure you can deal with the bruise you'll get later." Quinn lets out a small laugh through her nose.

It's not really funny, but Brittany's example is and she allows herself to smile, even if it is only for a brief second. She knew that feeling. She had that feeling when she was pregnant in high school. It was something she thought that if she ignored enough it would go away and then it didn't and then the next thing she knew she was fat, an ex-cheerio and single and alone. Granted, the situations were different, yes, but she understood. Sometimes things happen and it could be something so tiny but it happens and it spurs on a bunch of other things.

"Everything… her, me, school, her family and you even…" Brittany points to Quinn. "To her all of that together, it was like… a house of cards." Her eyes fell to Quinn's hands which were mimicking her own, playing with the aluminum with her fingers. "One blow and it could just fall apart and then all that would be left would be Santana and her secrets.

* * *

"_Do you think there will be parties like this every weekend?" It was a simple question really, to the point and no hidden meaning. But Santana processed the question as though it were one from the SAT's. It sunk deep down inside everywhere of her that the answer was most likely 'yes' and that is what made it so unsettling. She sighed and pulled the comforter up to her chin._

"_Until football is over." She replied after a few moments of thought. The thought was not at all as appealing as it had been back when she dreamed of being a Cheerio at the tender age of 9. The fact that nights like the night just experienced would be a recurring thing made her ache in certain places and not in a 'hurts so good' John Mellencamp kind of way._

"_What about basketball? You think the Cheerio's have to go to those parties too?" She was so innocent but it only made it worse for Santana, she didn't want to get mad or upset about it so she took in a deep breath and let it out slow._

"_We are Cheerio's Britt and its part of the job so, yeah. Basketball parties too." She explained with a slight annoyance. It only made it more apparent that she was most likely going to get to know more of the football players than she had intended to, and not in a 'friends' kind of 'get to know'._

_Chances were the events of the evening were going to be around McKinley before the first homeroom bell which meant people would know her. More importantly they would know what she did and assume that's what she does. The more she thought about it the more she reasoned that it apparently was what she did. Her mind retraced her track record with boys and at the finish line they all ended in one of three ways: hand job, blow job, sex._

_She turned onto her side putting her back to Brittany who she could tell was on the verge of sleep, her breathing had softened and drew out longer. Before she closed her eyes with the intention of falling asleep herself she figured out a few things, roles and rules for herself if this was going to be the reputation she had undoubtedly acquired for herself at McKinley._

_First of all if she were going to be __**that **__girl she figured that it was okay seeing as it was with the top of the food chain. It wasn't like she was getting her mack on with the bottom feeders of the school like the AV club or the weird kids who use their lunch to make art. No, she was hitting it up with the football 'gods' and not just regular jocks, but they were varsity which was one hell of a step up from JV even though both teams pretty much blew._

_Second of all if she were going to be __**that**__ girl she was going to make it a choice and not a label. She figured that as long as she owned it and nearly flaunted it no one could use it against her and therefore not fuck with her. She looked at that as pure gold, it was the perfect weapon. Don't give a shit, slap on that glare, cross your arms and seize the opportunity and people will surely back the fuck up._

_And last but not least, if she were going to be __**that**__ girl, __**she**__ would be in control. Her decision, her choice, her way. Take it or leave it. She was pretty sure she read in one of those Cosmo magazines or some other advice giving piece of crap rag that guys liked women who were bossy and took charge. The last part would pretty much coincide with the second part so she decided her plan was pretty much flawless._

_Maybe if she stopped letting herself be used by these guys and she used them then she could turn the tables around a little bit more to her advantage. _

_That was the game plan anyway._


	8. Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow

**_hey dudes, long time no update huh? well, i am sorry about that but this chapter was tweaked up a bit. i had many things i had to get up in here and i hope that this was worth the wait... so without giving anything away obviously i think you will enjoy it. and thank you to everyone who reviewed, i know this is a rough story but that's kind of the point, ya know? they're called happy endings not happy middles (wink wink)_**

**_read and review:)_**

* * *

**Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow**

_Nothing really made sense to her. The things that had been happening to her didn't happen to a girl like her and the things that she'd done, well, she was quite certain other girls her age were not doing them. She had a normal family from what she could gather. A mother and father who loved her dearly, a brother who looked out for her and an extended family that she could always turn to if she needed anything. Yet she found herself alone when it came to the specifics, those specifics being her 'sexual' life._

_Sometimes at night she found herself wondering about how many freshman girls in high school had sex lives. Most of the ones she could think of were the girls she saw on cop shows like Law and Order: SVU. None of those girls were ever really happy. Then again, those were those late night shows that she was not really allowed to watch but caught it when her parents were in bed._

_Those were also the same nights when she would think of her next conquest._

_Most of the time, during that summer going in to the ninth grade, Santana laid there with her best friend. Brittany would often be there next to her, the two of them thinking out loud about the wonderments of what high school would be like. A few times Brittany would ask if she was supposed to be like Santana, the way she was with boys, going after them and giving them what they 'needed' or 'wanted'. Those were the times Santana would stay quiet, look of to the side, or get really upset with Brittany._

_She never quite understood what it was that would make the Latina so angry and or upset but she grew to know it was a subject not to be broached. In the end she made the decision by herself. So many guys fell at her feet in junior high there was no doubt they would do the same in high school. At the simple thought of it all she felt a little like Quinn Fabray. _

_Brittany had always thought Quinn was somewhat of a holy person. She preached her ways all through their friendship, but Brittany wasn't blind. She saw how the blonde girl mercilessly teased the boys in their grade with the way she twirled her short skirts and how she would bend over ever so slightly. Sometimes she liked to give the girl the benefit of the doubt and believe she was truly so deep within her religion she had no idea what she was doing. But when it came down to it Brittany knew better. Every girl knows what they are doing, regardless if it's innocent play or not, this is what the boys told her anyway._

_When it came to Santana though, she didn't know what her aim was. For majority of their friendship, which would be the most of her life she would like to say that she knew the girl better than she even knew herself. But in the past year it felt to that blonde as though someone knew had taken over her best friend's body. It was the same person, clearly, Santana skin and bones. But the way she acted, the front she put on, was not like the same girl she had grown to know._

_Everything was harder and more forced. It was so much darker than she had remembered knowing her eyes so much dimmer. The light around her friend was different and even though she noticed it, it was as though it didn't matter. If she were to point it out Santana for sure would play it off as some insignificant thing and change the subject of the conversation. So Brittany let it alone and continued out her days but remained observant of her friend's ever changing ways. _

_So when the first week of freshman year had passed them by and Brittany was hanging around one of the varsity football players and Santana's demeanor had changed the blonde was a bit thrown off. The small Latina stormed into her room, slamming the door and crossing her arms over her chest._

"_Brittany what do you think you're doing?" She asked and it sounded a little bit jealous which threw the blonde off but at the same time it sounded a trifle bit nervous. Brittany looked up from the magazine she had been reading and furrowed her eyebrows._

"_Umm, hey Santana." She greeted her friend in the way she would normally greet the girl. The whole intrusion of loud noises and angry voices threw her for a loop. Santana tilted her head and let out a sigh as if saying 'really Britt, I'm not playing this simple game with you'._

"_I heard through the grape vine that you were talking with Matt." Santana finally spit out when she was sure her menacing look was unreadable to the blonde. Brittany tilted her head back to its usual spot and had a blank stare on her face. She closed the magazine she had been looking at and straightened up a bit on the bed._

"_Okay." She responded, still not truly grasping the concept of Santana's apparent break down about the whole situation._

"_Well!" Santana yells throwing her arms up in the air and letting them fall to her side slapping her thighs. _

"_I don't see what the big deal is." Brittany answers sitting up in her bed folding her legs beneath her inadvertently scrunching the magazine. "You are talking to that Rockne kid." The blonde points out and Santana pauses for a moment remembering the sandy haired kid she had spoken to briefly which no doubt by simple contact had already solidified her reputation at McKinley High. "I thought we were trying to get in with the football team to make sure we stayed on top." Santana rolled her eyes and moved to the bed letting her body flop down beside Brittany's._

"_Britt, that's what __**I'm**__ doing, you don't need to do anything." She said softly, bringing her hand up and letting her finger tuck a few blonde hairs behind Brittany's ear._

"_Santana, that's silly. I have no problem hanging out and hooking up with boys if it means we're safe." Brittany lets out shrugging her shoulders and offering the smaller girl a smile. Santana gave her a strange look, quirked an eyebrow even. She wondered if Brittany really knew what she was doing. If she even cared about the things that would be said about her if she actually did follow in Santana's path. She shook her head._

"_No." Santana lets out after a few long seconds. "You don't have to." She shook her head more forcefully. "Do you know what they say about girls like me?" She asked her blonde friend after a few moments of complete silence. Brittany looked up at her, deep into her eyes as though trying to search for the right answer. There's more silence and Santana tears her eyes away. "They say things like 'whore' and 'slut'… I can't have you go through that." Her voice is soft and quiet and almost shameful. She looked up because she felt a warm hand upon her own. Brown met blue._

"_It doesn't matter what people say about me Santana." She told her and her shoulder shrugged. "I know the kind of person I am and more importantly I know who I want to be." Brittany explained squeezing the hand tighter. "So in the end all that matters is how I feel about myself. Words are only words." She smiled and then turned her attention back to the magazine in her hand._

_Santana watched her as she flipped the pages of the magazine. It really sounded so simple, the way Brittany made it sound but, was it? It saddened her that at 14-years of age she knew words like 'whore' and 'slut' and worst of all, she knew what they meant when aimed at her. They were words of truth. She was used, damaged, tainted and left to the side. She wasn't something someone brought home to show mommy. She wasn't a prize. She was that girl that no one spoke about yet the girl that everyone talked about. It was a catch-22 really._

* * *

Quinn's eyes blink slowly taking in the early morning light creeping on her face from the slightly open curtain from the window. She brings her hand to her eyes rubbing them with her fingers to rid the sleepy feeling from them. There was a soft whisper in the room, Brittany's voice, she was talking to someone. Quinn turns her head towards the sound and sees the blonde's silhouette walking slowly back and forth in front of the window, one of her arms draped across her midsection.

"I miss you too baby." She hears her friend say in a hushed voice and it's obvious to her who is on the other end. "Awe that's sweet tell her I say hi." Brittany whispers excitedly. "I know, but tell her I say hi in advance loser." She giggles into the phone and Quinn furrows her brow at this. She had almost forgotten what laughter sounds like. "Yeah I…" She doesn't know if she is supposed to still be unaware of this conversation or if maybe she should make it known she is awake, so she stays still longer. "She's… okay, I guess." Quinn sees Brittany's shoulders move up and down, her feet making a brushing sound across the wood floor of her and Santana's bedroom floor. "Yes, it's to be expected of course. Yes, so did I babe." Quinn closes her eyes when she thinks Brittany turns to her because she doesn't want to put an end to their conversation just yet. Pretending to be asleep, she decides, is the right choice. "I love you more." Brittany breathes out a sigh through her nose letting Quinn see her smile in her mind. "I can only imagine." The other blonde's voice gets a little deeper and lower, and Quinn knows this to be her sexy voice, unfortunately. "Shh, stop Quinn's in the room." Brittany giggles again. "No, she's been awake for a few minutes." Quinn shakes her head smirking, of course she is found out. "Of course she is pretending to still be asleep." She hears footsteps get closer and then feels a foot poking her until she finally moves and turns to look up at her friend. "Santana says good morning."

"Morning." Quinn yawns out, lifting her arms above her head and stretching.

"Q says morning too." Brittany grins into the phone and hoping onto the bed beside the blonde. Quinn watches Brittany bite her lower lip and nod her head, reacting to whatever it is that Santana is saying to her. "Okay." Brittany looks back at Quinn who has been watching her intently. "Yeah, right." She rolls her eyes, very Santana like and mouths sorry. Quinn shakes her head waving her hand as though telling her 'it's alright'. "I know Santana." Brittany replies firmly sighing out. "I know." She repeats throwing her head back and falling back onto the bed. "I will alright." She throws a hand up to emphasize her point even though Santana can't see her. "Okay, call me later?" Quinn sits up, letting her back rest up against the head board and moves her hand to play with Brittany's hair that has cascaded over the pillow. "I seriously can't wait to see you tomorrow." Brittany grins up at Quinn letting her eyes close at the feeling of her friend's fingers rubbing her scalp as she runs her fingers through her hair. "Okay, love you babe. Bye." Brittany looks at her phone before pressing end and places it beside her on the bed.

"How is she?" Quinn asks as Brittany cuddles up to her.

"She's good." Brittany mumbles into her friend's side.

"You know you guys are disgustingly adorable right?" Quinn quirks an eyebrow ruffling her friend's hair before smoothing it out and Brittany nods.

* * *

_Another night, another jock's party and normally it would have been the three best friends walking home together but tonight it was just Brittany and Santana. Quinn wasn't at the party, she had to drive with her family to Chicago the day before for her cousin's sweet sixteen. So Brittany and Santana walked the dark Lima streets, pinky in pinky, giggling and bumping into one another going over the party they'd just left._

"_It was nice to actually hangout with you at a party for once Santana." Brittany mumbled as they got closer to the Latina's house. Santana furrowed her brow and turned to look at her friend while trying to keep her legs moving and her body walking straight._

"_What's that supposed to mean?" It came out a little more defensive than intended but she blamed it on the alcohol. Brittany shrugged, letting her shoulder brush Santana's lightly._

"_You're just always jumping around from here to there." She waved her hand in the air to emphasize her point before letting it fall back down to her side. "Chatting with the older Cheerio's and… the football guys or basketball guys. It's just nice when you're by my side." Santana stopped, thus stopping Brittany from walking as well causing the blonde to turn to face her._

"_Britt, I'm always by your side." She said softly, trying desperately to find blue eyes in the dim light of the street lamp. _

_Brittany looked hard into those dark eyes, even though the moon was being covered by some clouds and the lamp above them was flickering, she found them and she searched them. Santana was always honest with her and she knew that at that moment the Latina was being nothing but. However she could see something underneath, something that was buried deep below those dark brown eyes. She smiled, letting a little laugh out as she did so and that relaxed Santana a bit and she squeezed the blonde's pinky a little tighter in her own._

"_Stay over tonight." Santana whispered as a small gust of wind came by, blowing their Cheerio's skirts to the side along with it. Brittany shivered as the cold air flew through her jacket and onto her skin causing goose bumps but she was pretty certain that it wasn't the Lima winter air that was making her skin tingle and the hairs stand up on her arms._

"_Okay." She replied almost instantly and Santana smiled one of those happy smiles Brittany hadn't seen in a while. Not in public anyhow, those smiles were usually used when it was just the two of them and sometimes when Quinn was around. But mostly, during their regular day to day's the smile was almost nonexistent._

_They walked a little further up the street before reaching Santana's house. The porch wasn't lit up like it normally was and there were no lights on in the house, which really wasn't a surprise considering it was almost midnight. She pulled out her key and easily unlocked it shuffling the both of them into the warmth of the Lopez house and out of the brisk outdoor's. She flipped the light on to find a note on the table by the stairs where the Lopez's normally put their keys._

'_Santana, _

_Your father and I took a last minute trip into the city with Sally and Jim. Tony's staying at a friend's. If you need anything call us._

_Love, Mom'_

_She rolled her eyes, it was pretty common that her parents went on 'last minute trips' with their best friends. But at the same time she kind of liked the idea of the house all to herself, well, all to her and Brittany anyway._

"_We got the house to ourselves Britt-Britt." Santana grinned, crumpling the paper and tossing it back onto the table. Brittany giggled and moved closer into Santana's body. "Come on let's go upstairs."_

_Both still being a little tipsy from the party, they stumbled a bit as they made their way up the stairs but laughed the entire way up. Once finally reaching the top, Brittany kicked her shoes off and slid across the wooden floor and smacked her body up against the wall, falling into complete hysterics._

"_Oh my god," Santana choked out a laugh but tried her best to look concerned. "Brittany are you okay?" She walked towards the girl who was leaning up against the wall as though it was the only thing that could keep her standing up right. She smirked, placing her palms against the wall behind her and nodded._

"_I'm good. Totally fine." She bit her lip, embarrassed at the fact that she nearly fell face first into the floor, luckily the wall caught her instead._

"_Good." Santana nodded, bringing her hands up to Brittany's shoulders and squeezed them a little. "Cause if you like, broke something or were injured I'd have to call up your __**boyfriend**__ Chang and have him come take care of you." She explained bitterly, unable to mask the fact that she was irritated. Brittany giggled and searched for Santana to look at her._

"_Mike Chang is so __**not**__ my boyfriend." Brittany defended but all Santana could respond with was a huff and another eye roll. "Santana." The blonde whined. "Stop it." She kicked her friend's shoe to get her attention and when the Latina finally looked up Brittany quirked an eyebrow. "Are you… are you __**jealous**__?" She asked with extreme curiosity. Santana's head jerked back, shook from left to right and her lips parted slightly._

"_I am so not jealous of Mike Chang, Brittany." She insisted, her hands slid down Brittany's arms and away from the blonde's body all together._

"_I think you're a little jealous." Brittany poked her friend's side and smirked. "And I think it's cute." She told Santana and leaned in to place her lips quickly to the other girl's. The Latina rolled her eyes and huffed, even if she were jealous she was not about to admit it because admitting is losing and she is not a loser._

"_Whatever." Brittany just giggled at her, tapped her nose with her finger and pulled her against her body and started kissing her but this time with tongue and Santana found herself falling into a haze of blonde._

* * *

"She likes to say that her parents were always away and were never around but, we both know that's a lie." Brittany waves her hand in the air as she speaks and Quinn nods in agreement. "She only says those things when she is trying to find _someone_ to blame." She shrugs and looks off to the side, her lips twisting in thought. "Our first time… ya know…" Brittany starts, perking up Quinn's interest a little and the other blonde looks away for a moment, as if lost in thought. "Was when her parents were away." She smiles at the memory fondly but there is something else in her eyes. "It was winter and I had slept over the night before because we had some stupid party for Cheerio's or something." She rolls her eyes. "But when we woke up it was snowing out and I got so excited I dragged her out of bed to come play in the snow with me." Quinn grins realizing some things never change and that Brittany is still that teenage girl at heart. "And when we came in some time in the afternoon she…" She shakes her head in almost disbelief at the events that had occurred almost over a decade ago.

* * *

_She curled her fingers under the elastic of the wool winter gloves covering the blonde's hands. They were damp, cold and there were bits of frost still on them from the snow that had been falling on them. Her fingers were dropping it to the ground when they had swiftly but slowly moved to the next one, releasing the other hand from its confines. _

_The house was empty, what with Santana's parents still 'away' doing who knows what. So they didn't feel the need to rush the moment or hide the levels of intimacy it contained. Nimble fingers took their place on the buttons of the winter coat that still kept Brittany's body from the winter winds._

_Blue eyes remained locked into brown ones that bore right back into her own. Every motion, each popped button and every single breath was meant to be remembered even if they were unaware of the fact at the moment. With the jacket finally discarded Santana took those pale hands into her own, cupping them together and brought them up to her lips blowing her hot breath onto them._

_Brittany smiled at the gesture and the feeling. And after a bit she took her hands from Santana's and brought them to the smaller girl's coat and unzipped it slowly, carefully. She pushed her hands into the coat, into the arms of it to take it off and let it fall at their feet. With her hands still on Santana she trailed them up to her neck and into her hair running her fingers through the dark locks. The Latina's eyes closed at the sensation but only briefly._

_"Come on." She whispered to the blonde, reaching up to grab one of Brittany's hands with her own._

_"Okay." Brittany breathed out with a nod and she let herself be led up the stairs._

_They walked slowly, step by step letting hands graze one another's bodies lingeringly. Eyes traveling up and down from eyes to legs to toes to lips. At the top of the steps Santana whispered something and Brittany sighed out a smile and pulled the shorter girl up against her and pushing her own back up against the wall._

_Santana placed her hand against the wall by Brittany's head and grinned as she slowly tilted her head to the side bringing her lips to the blonde's neck. Brittany's breath hitched and her chest rose, turning her head to give Santana more access. A hand at the bottom of the blonde's shirt played with the material, every so often letting a finger run under the fabric and caress the skin there. A thumb pressed into her hip bone and a body pushed further into hers._

_Her tongue grazed Brittany's ear lobe eliciting a moan or a gasp or maybe it was both. She grinned at the noises coming out from the other girl and slowed down her actions, wanting to enjoy every single second of that moment. Brittany brought her hands up to the sides of Santana's face bringing her to eye level._

_"What?" Santana asked self consciously after Brittany just stared at her for a few long seconds. Brittany smiled, smirked really, and she let her eyes gather in the sight before her. She nodded. "What?" Santana asked again only that time it wasn't out of bashfulness or embarrassment for being stared at. It was a tone that was eager and knowing but unsure and nervous._

_"Take me to your room Santana." Brittany replied, her voice cracking giving away her own nervousness. Santana sucked in air, glanced at her hand on the wall beside Brittany's head, rubbed her thumb over the skin she had exposed by her friend's hip under her shirt and then looked back into those blue eyes. She swallowed hard and nodded stepping back from against her friend's body, taking her hand off of the wall and holding it out for Brittany to take._

_She led her the few extra feet it took to get to her room letting her walk in first. Santana watched as Brittany entered her room as though it were the first time she had ever been there. Her blonde head moved from side to side as if she were inspecting the place, the walls, the desk and then finally she stopped walking and her head was directed towards the bed. The door closing behind her caught her attention and she looked over her shoulder at Santana._

_The shorter girl grinned sheepishly back at her as she turned around. They stood in that silence for about a half of a second before Santana was walking towards her and reaching out for her body. Her hands found their place at Brittany's hips and then around until meeting each other at the small of her back, pulling her against her body. Brittany's hands came up to rest where Santana's neck met her shoulders._

_They leaned in at the same time, smiling shyly back at one another and into the short kiss they shared. The smiles were still intact when they pulled apart, enjoying the closeness of their bodies. Brittany's fingers absentmindedly played with dark hair while her teeth chewed on her lower lip._

_"Do you want to kiss me?" Brittany asked quietly, her breath hitting Santana's lips. Brown eyes darted to those blue eyes, looking deeply into each one as though it were a trick question._

_"I…" She squeaked out, closed her mouth, licked her lips and then cleared her throat. Brittany smirked and bit on her lower lip as she waited for the answer. Words escaping her at that moment, Santana settled for a quick nod._

_"So then what are you waiting for?" The blonde countered, her eyes seductively locked onto Santana's, her lips parted and pushing out the sweetest air between them. With another swift lick of her lips Santana tilted her head and pressing her lips to Brittany's._

_It started off slow and sweet. Their heads moved around, rolling side to side changing angles and to get all of the other's taste on their lips. Tongues joined together, moving easily at the same pace and motions. Hands found hair, exposed skin, made skin become exposed and pulled to get closer. As the kiss grew deeper and harder there was something else driving them forward._

_Brittany was the one to first pull away for oxygen, among other things. Their foreheads rested against the other's, hands still trying to find what was best to hold on to and grab at, almost frantically trying to find a steady place but not finding it. They desperately wanted to travel everywhere and Brittany was all too well aware, and she wanted it. Her hand fisted Santana's t-shirt by her stomach, tugging at it pulling the girl against her._

_"Do you want to touch me?" Her eyes looked up from her fist holding the white material to find those brown eyes so dark with lust and want and so much need. Santana let out a strangled sound, just barely escaping her lips and it kind of sounded like a whine. Brittany did her best not to fall to the ground from weak knees. Santana's head turned to the side, slightly, her forehead still against Brittany's and she pushed more into her. She brought her hand from Brittany's hair down her arm and went across her flat stomach inching up the shirt with her fingers._

_"Yeah, very much so." Santana nodded hard and fast gasping when her hand finally found the smooth skin of Brittany's abdomen. Brittany's eyes fluttered closed, her head flew back at the sensation of Santana's warm fingers and palm against her body._

_"Touch me." She barely got out the words but they somehow found their way to Santana's ears and the Latina made that whining noise again causing Brittany to pull her even closer if possible. "I want you to Santana." Brittany whispered into the smaller girls ear, her lips grazing the skin there. She could hear Santana swallow, it made a gulping sound and she felt her cheek brush against her own when she pulled back._

_"Where?" Santana asked breathlessly, browns on blues. Brittany reached down for the hand still on her stomach and put hers over it._

_"Everywhere." She told her, slowly moving the hand on her body lower and lower until it hit the top of her pants. "I want you to touch me everywhere." The blonde repeated with a bit more of direction._

_"Oh… okay." Santana nodded and her eyes widened as she watched Brittany step back and lift her own shirt over her head letting it fall down to her feet then bring her hands around her back and unclasp her bra, the garment slipping from her fingers._

_The blonde grabbed her best friend's hands and brought them up to her chest and holding them there as she slowly started to walk backwards toward the bed. Santana could only look down at where her hands were placed seeing as it was the first time she had ever actually felt Brittany's chest without her bra on. Sure, she knew how hers felt but the feeling of Brittany beneath her palm well, that was something different. She knew it wasn't bad different, the fact that she couldn't pull away told her that much but there was something else. Santana got that feeling she got that Fourth of July when they kissed in the park and the first day of school when she saw Brittany in her Cheerio's skirt. It was a good different._

_She didn't wince when Brittany's fingers trailed up her arms and down her back. She didn't close her eyes tightly as Brittany's lips touched hers and didn't want to pull away when she tasted Brittany's tongue. Her best friend tasted sweet, like candy or fruit or both. Brittany's kisses weren't frantic or forced hard onto her lips, they were soft and gentle, like she was trying to let Santana feel her not **make**her feel her. Her hands didn't grab or pinch but caressed and grazed almost tickling only it wasn't funny. In fact, the almost tickling feeling sent tingles and shocks through her body and up her legs until she felt buzzing everywhere._

_She opened her eyes when she felt Brittany pull away, instantly connecting with her best friends deep blue eyes, Santana let Brittany look deeply into her, not just into her eyes but everywhere. And for a moment she wanted to desperately look away afraid that if she continued to let Brittany look her in the eyes and look further into her she would see everything she had done. And then after she saw everything she would be disgusted and that the way she was looking at her, right in that moment would never happen again, that the way she looked at her everyday would be a distant memory. But she couldn't look away. She didn't really want to._

_She watched as Brittany invaded her mind through her eyes, invaded her soul and invaded her insides without even having to touch her. She wondered if Brittany saw it all. All of the boys that had been inside of her and on top of her, all of the things she had seen, all of the things she had done, taken and given away. Their eyes remained locked on one another's even as Brittany's hand reached up and brushed some stray hairs from Santana's face tucking them behind her ear, letting her fingers linger on her cheek afterwards._

_"Is this okay?" Brittany asked and Santana prepared herself for Brittany's lips to be pressed against hers again within seconds._

_But Brittany waited. _

_She waited for an answer and she dipped her head to try and look deeper into Santana's eyes. Santana realized that was the first time she had ever been asked a question that an answer was actually expected, especially under these conditions. That was the first time someone actually cared whether or not it was okay, whether or not anything was okay. She licked her lips and her eyes darted to Brittany's and she nodded._

_"Yeah." She breathed out and flashed a small smile to Brittany. "Yes, this is okay. This is good." She let out a relieved giggle and nodded a few more times. Brittany smiled and bit on her lower lip before she slowly leaned in tilting her head and let her lips once again find Santana's._

_They kissed each other softly and calmly for a few more minutes allowing the other to feel what no words could possibly say. Brittany's hands cupped the sides of Santana's face, not to keep her in place, not to force her to keep kissing her but to let her know that this was what it felt like. This was what it felt like when you were with someone who loved you. Her thumbs gently moved across her cheeks telling her it was okay to hold on and to let go all at the same time._

_Brittany slowly guided their bodies to lie down on the bed only letting their lips part as their heads hit the pillow. Her stare was silently asking if this was still okay and Santana nodded gasping for the air that she had willingly allowed Brittany to steal from her lungs._

_"Yes." Santana whispered against Brittany's mouth, her hand reached up to the back of Brittany's head pressing their lips together once again._

_The blonde's hands lazily made their way down Santana's arm until her fingers played with the hem of her friend's shirt. She felt Santana tense up under her touch and her eyes popped open at the feeling of the smaller girls hand on her own._

_"Do you want to stop San?" Brittany innocently asked pulling back her head to get a good look at her friend allowing her to assess the situation properly. "We can stop its okay." She assured her. Santana swallowed, her throat visibly moved up and down her eyes stared into those blue eyes._

_"I want you." Her voice was soft, sincere and almost childlike. "Can we just…" She looked away for a moment because this certain vulnerability was new to her. It was a different vulnerability, one she had control over yet absolutely no control at the same time. When she looked back up to Brittany's eyes she understood that this was vulnerability for the girl before her. _

_"Santana." Brittany broke her pause of thought, her hand came up to grab Santana's chin. "This means something to me. I know sex isn't dating but this won't just be sex to me." She explained and Santana's gaze fell once more internally cursing herself for that dumb rule she had spit out several times. "You're important to me." Brittany went in to put her lips back onto Santana's but the Latina pulled away._

_"Wait." Santana breathed out her eyes were slightly wide. Brittany searched her eyes, trying to read her friend like she normally found easy to do. But Santana's eyes looked scared and worried. "Umm, I just, I have to go to the bathroom." She told her friend, averting her eyes for a moment hoping that Brittany couldn't see the blatant lie in her eyes because she had been looking so hard for something in them. Brittany nodded and loosened her grip on her friend letting her move off of the bed._

_She turned over on her side and watched as Santana slipped through her bedroom door and listened to the soft rushed padding of her feet against the floor of the hallway. Brittany leaned her head in her hand and stared at the door her friend had just vanished through and bit on her lower lip. She hoped she didn't do anything to push her friend away. They both seemed to be really into the kissing part and then it got strange. Weird even._

_Brittany sat up in Santana's bed and put her feet on the ground and thought about what to do when Santana got back while she slipped her shirt back over her head suddenly feeling a little self conscious. Should she pretend nothing happened? Should they talk about what had happened? Was she supposed to kiss her again? Her eyes darted to the clock on her best friends night stand and she wondered what was taking her so long._

_Normally she wouldn't question her friend's reason for taking long in the bathroom but after what had just gone on between them and Santana's hesitation she decided to check on her. When she reached the hall and began her journey to the bathroom the sound of running water flooded her ears. Her head tilted to the side when she distinguished the sound to be that of the shower running. She found it pretty odd that Santana would be taking a shower without even telling her._

_When she reached the door she knocked gently bringing her ear close against the wood. There was no answer to her call to Santana and so she reached down for the door knob. She pushed it open and poked her head in taking in that she was in fact right in her assumption, her friend was in the shower. Brittany stepped fully into the steamy room and called out to her friend again, no answer._

_She closed the door behind her and locked it if for any chance Santana's parents came home and wondered where the girls had gone off to. Sure they were totally okay with being naked in front of one another but to other people it seemed weird or whatever. As she got closer to the shower door she realized she couldn't see Santana's form through the glass and she got nervous and pulled the door open._

_Her eyes were immediately drawn to the bottom of the shower where Santana was sitting with her legs pulled up to her chest and her forehead pressed to her knees. If she knew that she had been found she didn't let it show, she stayed perfectly still and just let the hot water beat down on her body._

_"Santana?" Brittany spoke softly completely thrown off at the very vision of Santana crawled up in a tight ball. _

_She looked so tiny and fragile and as she stood there, Brittany felt her hands shake confused at the sudden turn of events. She looked to the side of Santana and spotted two loofas and what looked like a lifetime supply of body wash beside her. Her hands rested on the one open door and the tiles of the wall in the bathroom. She brought her eyes back to her friend who looked like she was shaking a little bit which disturbed her slightly considering the water appeared to be turned to scorching hot._

_"San are you okay?" Brittany interrupted the silence of the bathroom and the loudness in her own head. _

_Santana didn't respond much like she hadn't before, she didn't move a muscle. Brittany looked around the shower her eyes fell upon the various toiletries of the Lopez bathroom. She wasn't looking at them for any particular reason, she wasn't thinking of something to say so she could get out of this incredibly uncomfortable feeling she felt deep inside at the site before her or the silence that completely engulfed her. She knelt down wanting to reach a hand out to her friend but considering she hadn't acknowledged her presence she didn't want to scare her off._

_"Do you need some help?" The blonde whispered but made sure it was loud enough to be heard over the pounding water. She wanted to make sure her voice sounded friendly and gentle and non-threatening. She sighed to herself when Santana didn't immediately answer her and her lips twitched trying to think of perhaps a different tactic. But then she saw a small nod come from the other girl. "You want me to help you?" She asked again wanting to make sure that was what Santana was motioning at. She nodded again and without a moment's hesitation Brittany peeled off her clothes and stepped into the shower closing the door behind her._

_Brittany knelt behind Santana without a specific game plan, but there was one thing she knew she needed to do. She lifted her left hand and gently brought it up to Santana's hair that was half stuck to her back and half fallen in front of her face. She carefully pulled the hair to one side and let her chin rest on her friend's bare shoulder making sure her lips were close to Santana's ear to ensure she would hear what she had to say. After making certain that the hair would stay put she wrapped both of her arms around the smaller girl in front of her._

_"I love you Santana." Brittany told her softly and she could feel Santana's body slightly stiffen and then a small sobbing like motion happened against her chest from Santana's back. "I love you so much and I'm here for you." She explained and let her arms squeeze a little tighter before she turned her face to Santana and placed a small but lingering kiss on her cheek. "Now come on, get up." She said and let her hands find a place under Santana's arms and gently pulled up for her to stand._

_Santana didn't fight her. She let Brittany bring her to her feet and she stabled herself by placing a hand on the tile wall of the shower and the other on the glass door until she was good to not need the support. Brittany warned her to close her eyes because she was going to wash her hair then so she closed her eyes. She let herself take control of her breathing as she felt Brittany's fingers move through her hair and onto her scalp. She kept them closed when Brittany turned her around so she could wash the shampoo out and she let out a content sigh of relief when she felt Brittany's hand wipe her forehead of any leftover suds._

_"Do you want conditioner?" Brittany asked her with the bottle in her hand already. Santana went to say no but nothing came out, but Brittany read her lips to the decline. Her eyes popped open when she heard the bottle of the conditioner hit the shelf. Her eyes opened because she knew what came next. Brittany was already standing there with the body wash and the loofa in her hand, looking as though she was inspecting the bottle. "How much?" Brittany asked looking back at Santana surprised her eyes were open. Santana doesn't move her eyes from Brittany's when she answers her._

_"All of it." That time her voice could be heard, it echoed off of the walls, the glass door and their bodies. _

_They stared at one another for a little while. Santana wondered if Brittany was going to question her, if she was going to laugh and think she was joking. She wondered if Brittany was going to hand over the things she was holding and walk out of the shower and out of the bathroom and out of her house leaving her alone. She wondered if Brittany was going to laugh and roll her eyes and tell her she was silly._

_But she didn't._

_Brittany never smirked or grinned or laughed and there was no sense of any of those things in her eyes either. Her eyes bore deeper into Santana's trying to see passed that hazy dullness she had been noticing lately. She never realized how far that dullness and haze actually went until now and it begged and pleaded not to ask why it was there, not now and not yet. It wasn't ready to be found out and interrogated, but it needed her, it needed Brittany to still be there even though she didn't know. Santana needed her and that was more than a good enough reason for Brittany._

_So she nodded and squirted half of the body wash onto the loofa and gathered some water into it. She pressed it to Santana's back and drew it down her arm and into her hand. With her empty hand she grabbed Santana's fingers and lifted her arm still moving the loofa up and down softly. She brushed it under her arm then down her side, across her stomach, up her other side and did the same to the other arm. She grabbed her shoulder gently and motioned for her to turn around with a small nudge._

_Santana did as was asked and turned around letting Brittany wash her back and then her legs, trying to avoid the intimate spots and then stepped closer behind her pressing her front to Santana's back. She wrapped her arm around her friend's middle keeping her close to her but not pulling her against her and she washed her friend's stomach and chest. Brittany didn't stop her motions but her brain stopped thinking for a moment when she felt Santana's hand grip onto her forearm._

_She didn't know why. But if she were being honest, she didn't need to know why, but she didn't hesitate when she felt Santana's hand grab her other hand, the one with the loofa filled with body wash and lead her lower. She didn't question her or oppose the request she just let her lead her. Santana stopped their hands just centimeters from the place she had been leading to and loosened her grip on her friend's hand. Her hand then slipped up her arm and rested softly on her forearm just as her other hand did on Brittany's other arm. Santana turned her head a little letting Brittany see her face for a moment._

_"It's okay." Santana assured in a whisper and squeezed her arm for a moment and nodded. So Brittany swallowed and nodded in return and lowered her hand washing over her best friend's most intimate spot. She questioned when her friend hung her head briefly, perhaps she was just embarrassed at having her friend washing her but Brittany didn't mind._

_After the second round of body wash which finished up the bottle Brittany rinsed off her tanned skin free of soap and suds. She shut the water off and squeezed the excess water from Santana's hair before turning to the shower door and sliding it open. Brittany stepped out and walked over to the small linen closet the Lopez's had in their bathroom and grabbed one of the big towels they kept in there. Normally it was used for the beach but Santana loved the ginormous towel for when it was winter because it covered her whole body and then some._

_Brittany opened the towel up wide and held it out for Santana to walk in to. The Latina carefully watched her foot step out onto the floor mat and then to the towel before her. She let Brittany wrap it around her tightly and let the blonde rub it around to get her body dry._

_"You're shivering." Santana noted and she pointed to Brittany's lower lip that was quivering. Brittany smiled and let out an amused laugh at Santana's child like proclamation. She shook her head and continued to rub her hands up and down Santana's sides._

_"It's okay let's take care of you first." Brittany winked and then pulled Santana against her wrapping her arms around her and rubbed up and down her back. But Santana shook her head and pulled back causing Brittany to shoot her a questioning look. Santana opened the towel up and stepped to Brittany wrapping it around the both of them._

_"We can share." Santana whispered resting her chin on her friend's shoulder letting their bodies press together. _

_Brittany eased herself into Santana's embrace following her lead and letting her chin rest down on Santana's shoulder. And then she shifts letting the side of her head rest there and nuzzled her nose into the side of her neck instead. But it wasn't enough and she tried to move closer into Santana's body._

_She didn't mean to, she hadn't even planned on it because seeing Santana so small and fragile she knew it wouldn't help at all. But she couldn't help the small sob like sigh that escaped her lips and the tiny tear that slid out of the corner of her eye and down Santana's back._

_"Oh Santana." Her voice cracked and she tried to not to say but it came out on its own. Santana didn't say anything, she couldn't even move. "I wish you would tell me." Brittany pleaded with her. Santana closed her eyes wishing she could. She wanted to but even when she opened her mouth no words would come out, they couldn't. They were being held down by the weight those words held._

_"Everything's fine Britt." Santana found herself telling the taller girl and she felt those words did not do much to quell her assumptions of something in fact being wrong. Probably because she knew Brittany knew she was lying. "Shh." She heard herself saying, patting and smoothing her hand down Brittany's back while keeping a hold on the towel that surrounded them in this cotton twilled cocoon of warmth and fantasy of a world with hope. A hope that yes, everything is fine. And she **was** fine, for that brief moment because of the girl in her arms._

_She brought her hands from around Brittany to her cheeks, letting her thumbs rub those tiny tears of sorrow and doubt away. Her eyes searched for Brittany's and she didn't have to wait very long to find them. Those tiny scared blue eyes looked back at her with want and need. A want and need to make Santana better, to understand, to know. Santana felt her eyebrows knit together and her lips began to pout out at the image of Brittany wanting to believe everything was okay and her knowing that it wasn't._

_She knew why she did it, why she kissed Brittany in the middle of her bathroom that night. Santana kissed the girl that had been the only one to ever really know her and the only person who ever really tried to know her and understand her. It was easy for Brittany to be the person she was, so loving and giving and caring even when she didn't have all of the facts. She just loved purely and with just cause. She would never give a list of reasons why or how she loved Santana but if asked why she might in fact say there were too many to list. But she would most likely say that she didn't need a reason, that the heart wants what it wants and there's no fighting it. That fighting was too hard and loving was so much easier._

_So she wasn't all that surprised when she felt her friend instantly react to the kiss. Santana knew what Brittany really meant when she said 'I love you' to her. It wasn't because they were best friends, though she knows that had a lot to do with it but, she actually loved her. Like **in** love, carry her books, open doors for her and tell her she looks beautiful everyday because she wants to kind of love._

_Santana knew she didn't deserve that kind of love but it was nice to know someone loved her even if they were misinformed of what kind of person she really was. Brittany was pure, honest, virtuous and kind. She loved from the tips of her fingers to the sun or moon that illuminated the town and its people. And that's how much she loved Santana. She could feel it in her lips, her tongue and her lingering touches. She could feel it in everything that Brittany did and didn't do and said and didn't say._

_She hadn't realized at first but the next time she opened her eyes it was revealed to her that they were in her bedroom. The lights were off and the moon came in through her window and lit up just the right places and the shadows hid all of the wrong places. The towel, she assumed, had been long since discarded somewhere between the bathroom, the hallway and her bed._

_Brittany's lips traveled from hers placing peppered kisses along her jaw line while the blonde's finger gently caressed her cheek. On instinct Santana pulled her back up to her face and pressed her lips to hers so quickly both felt like they had just flown to outer space and back. Their brains were made of mush but there was definitely coherent thinking going on and was still very much functioning properly because it still allowed their bodies and limbs to do the work their hearts wanted._

_The blonde cheerleader pulled back for a moment and their breath mixed in the silence that had crept up upon them since the shower they had shared. Brittany's eyes were one of the right places being lit up within the darkness. Her blue eyes glistened and when Santana carefully inspected them she could have sworn she saw speckles of glitter inside of them. She smiled because she remembered her friend had told her once that angels were so beautiful because they were made up of glitter, sparkles and wore freesia body splash. It was then that Santana could not argue with the fact that her best friend was an angel incarnate._

_A perfect soul filled being who graced the earth with positivity, guidance, beauty and a heart so pure. Brittany was her angel with her glitter speckled blue eyes, cloud soft lips and delicate yet strong hands that only a higher power would bestow upon someone. _

_The back of Brittany's hand left traces of fire down her arm and up her side in its wake. But this fire didn't burn, it didn't even hurt. It was like a fire made to keep someone warm and a fire made to make someone feel protected and a fire made to guide them through their darkness. _

_She felt a moan escape her own mouth when she felt Brittany slip her leg between hers and push forward cautiously. Her eyes opened to find those blues still looking at her and she knew this time was different. This time she wanted this to happen for a different reason than the other reasons she would normally be doing this. This felt good this felt natural and this was what happy must feel like was all Santana could keep thinking._

_"Are you okay?" Brittany asked her nervously. Santana's hands glided across the blonde's bare back and she nodded her answer before leaning up to kiss her again. "Okay just tell me when, if… if you don't want, you know." She explained to her in as few words as possible. Santana nodded again licking her lips waiting for Brittany to kiss her again._

_Unlike her other sexual experiences Santana was able to relax and find herself wanting more and finding her voice to ask for it. She turned her head ever so slightly so that her mouth was just brushing up against Brittany's ear telling her 'that feels good' and 'don't stop'. Her cheeks burned with a slight embarrassment when Brittany pulled back, her lower lip between her teeth and small grin playing on her face. That bashfulness was washed away by the subtle nod the blonde gave her as she granted her request, not stopping._

_Unlike her other sexual experiences Santana wanted this to last forever. The feeling of Brittany's body moving with her own, the gentle touch of Brittany's fingers brushing up against her cheek as her other hand worked magic between her legs made her feel alive._

_Unlike her other sexual experiences Santana allowed her body to feel. Not just the insane amount of pleasure being provided by the friction and penetration but somewhere in her chest a buzzing flew through out and deep down in her stomach. She couldn't decipher the feeling to a specific emotion, but she knew it had a name and was relegated to a specific category. It felt good, all of it. _

_Not just the touching, though, that was a lot of it too. The glances every now and again, the whispers of encouragement from the girl hovering over her and the sweetly placed soft kisses along her neck, jaw line and most importantly her lips. The kisses weren't forced or pressed onto her mouth hard as if being stolen away from her but instead given to her to keep for as long as she'd have them. Those slender fingers moving her dark hair from her face, out of her eyes, so that blue ones could penetrate through her brown ones the way other parts of Brittany were penetrating her._

_She'd never experienced a pleasure like that and she welcomed it wholly and fully. Her hands gripped onto Brittany as if she were afraid to fall over with the fear of never gaining her footing again. But even if so, she kind of liked the idea. The prospect of falling, because in Brittany's arms she knew she wouldn't be falling alone, whatever that meant, it didn't matter. The blonde wouldn't leave her to reach these peaks of incredible atmosphere and emotion alone. She would be there to hold her and wait for her to settle and then bring her down carefully._

_Her brain couldn't function when all of a sudden she felt the absence of Brittany's digits from between her legs and her eyes widened to look for an answer. Brittany, who had not taken her eyes off of Santana for a second, stared her down as if telling Santana to watch her. 'I want to taste you' is all she said before she brought her two fingers to her mouth and sucked on them. _

_Santana watched in amazement as the blonde sucked her two fingers clean of her, letting her tongue poke out in the process. The smaller girl gulped when a moan escaped her best friend's mouth at the mere taste on her fingers. 'Mmm' Brittany hummed finally removing them and licking her lips before bringing them to Santana's._

_The Latina gasped when she felt the fingers once again entering her but was not sure which part to pay more attention to. The fact that she had been surprised at the re-entrance of Brittany inside of her or that she could taste herself on Brittany's tongue, but she decided that both of those things were very arousing. Her hips pushed up into Brittany's hand, wanting to pick up where they had so abruptly left off._

_"I'm sorry", Brittany whispered as she pulled away from Santana's lips, looking down sheepishly though still maintain her rhythm. "I just want to experience all of you." She admitted slowly bringing her eyes back up to meet Santana's._

_The blonde's lips were on hers again before she had time to even respond to what she was saying and she could taste herself again, along with that distinct sweetness of Brittany's tongue. She could feel that tingling erupting deeper and deeper inside of her._

_Her legs twitched and her hips moved erratically with whatever speed and rhythm that her friend was providing. Her hands grabbed at pale skin pulling it closer to her own body, wanting to feel Brittany everywhere on her. Those light pink lips trailed down her neck humming words into her skin, but her breathing too hard and heavy to really figure out what was being said. _

_"Britt, I…" Santana gasped into the stale air of her bedroom and she wondered when it had gotten so damn hot in there. She grunted something unintelligible right before her hips flew up into Brittany's hand for a final time and her whole body shook._

_"Oh my god." Santana whined coming down from the high, she sighed in relaxation and comfort at the realization that she could still feel Brittany moving slowly and gently inside of her. _

_"Was that good San?" Brittany asked into her ear and then placed a kiss on her ear lobe. _

_"Mhmm." Santana nodded, turned her head and pressed a kiss to Brittany's cheek. _

_Truth be told, it was more than good, it was amazing, incredible, mind blowing even. But Santana figured she really had nothing to compare it to, not to knock it down at all, but she realized she had never really enjoyed any other time quite like this. No one had ever taken the time to give her something, give her anything really she was the one who did the giving._

_Her breath hitched slightly when she felt Brittany's fingers slide out of her and was shocked at how wet she really was. She could feel it off of Brittany's hand and hit her thigh and she didn't remember ever being aroused like that before. Brittany reached down and behind her and brought up the covers over the both of them, still maintaining her spot over Santana and looking down at her._

_"You're so pretty right now." Brittany breathed out onto her mouth. "Stunning even." She could feel her cheeks burn with embarrassment wondering for some odd reason where Brittany even learned that word. She didn't understand her friend's incessant need to compliment her and it always made her feel funny everywhere. Funny, but in a good way. She giggled and covered her eyes._

_"Britt, I'm like a sweaty mess right now." Santana told her trying to hide her amusement. Brittany reached up and tugged the hands away from her eyes and got her to look up at her._

_"No, really." She locked eyes with the Latina, no amusement written on her face. "I don't think I've ever seen you this beautiful before. It's actually quite amazing." Brittany repeated herself, this time with so much more intrigue and sincerity than before, which was a feat because she was always that way with Santana._

_Santana let her smile fade and tilted her head. She wondered what it was that Brittany actually saw. What was it in her, on her, about her that made the blonde girl look so stoic when speaking of her? What was so special about her?_

_"B, why are you staring at me like that?" She finally broke the silence averting her eyes momentarily. Brittany didn't look away though, she didn't even blink and she kept her expression._

_"I'm making a memory." The blonde answered simply, her eyes traveling all along every part of Santana's face. Recording every line, eyelash, dimple and freckle to her mind. _

_"Oh, okay." Santana breathed out watching her best friend watch her as though she were a piece of art work in a museum._

_"Hmm." Brittany let out in an interested kind of way. Santana mouthed 'what' but the words, the sound didn't come out so instead she settled for watching Brittany bring up a hand to her cheek and brush the skin with the back of her fingers._

_The blonde leaned down, capturing her lips softly before rolling off of her. She reached over letting her hand rest on Santana's waist and pulled her closer nestling her head in the dark hair and putting her chin in the crook of her neck._

_"You are **my** sweaty mess." Brittany whispered in her ear and then placed a kiss right below her ear lobe._

_Santana smiled to herself, not even realizing in that moment that she had never felt like that before after sex. But then again Brittany herself had told Santana that it wasn't **just** sex, for her anyway and it would be a while down the road when Santana would come to figure out exactly **what** it was. _

_She reached down to grab Brittany's hand from her waist and slowly brought it up to her lips placing small kisses on the blonde's knuckles. Brittany grinned at the gesture and watched as Santana continued to kiss her hand as she turned over to face her. They looked at each other, locking eyes and Santana swallowed hard while lifting their hands up from her mouth in between them and interlacing their fingers._

_Words weren't needed; they never really were between these two. So with a squeeze of Santana's hand, Brittany led the dark haired girl to roll on top of her. The Latina placed her leg between the blonde's, pushing it up into where her arousal was most prominent and gasped when she felt the wet heat there. Brittany moaned in her mouth at the rush of tingles that flew through her body and leaned up to press a kiss to Santana's lips._

_She brought her hand to Brittany's cheek, caressing it with the back of her fingers, watching her own skin move across her best friends. Ever so carefully she trailed her fingers down over Brittany's breasts, teasing her nipples as she went until she finally came to rest her hand between the blonde's legs._

_Santana kept her eyes locked on to Brittany's. Neither girl had let themselves veer off course of looking deep into the other as they danced this dance letting music inside of them control them. Out of breath Brittany leaned up for her lips to capture Santana's who reciprocated quickly even though her breath had not been caught yet._

_She wanted to smile but she couldn't. It just didn't seem like enough, a smile wasn't enough to explain what everything inside was telling her. But she knew Brittany was okay with that because it was clear to her friend. So instead of saying anything she lowered her body onto Brittany's and rested her head on her chest and listened to her heart beat trying to regain its normal rhythm._

_The sound was freeing to her, knowing that this girl beneath her had a heart that simply beat because Santana existed. It would be stupid of her however to think that it was fair. Brittany was wasting her love on something broken and it wasn't a fixable kind of broken. She felt ashamed for a moment because the more she thought about it the more it appeared that she had used Brittany's love. She'd used it to try and erase things or at least forget about them for a little while._

_But what broke her heart even more so was that she could if she wasn't so damaged, so beyond repair and so used herself. If she were none of those things and then some she could without a doubt fall in love with the girl in her bed. She could feel it underneath all of the rubble and debris that there was a place specifically made for Brittany inside her heart. But even though the blonde had a reserved spot there the whole place was condemned and Brittany deserved more than just a place right next to cracks and divots._


	9. You Know I'm No Good

**_thank you all for the wonderful reviews. i seriously appreciate each and every one of them._**

**_just a small warning for this chapter; there is some self mutilation in this part so if that's a trigger than don't read._**

* * *

**You Know I'm No Good**

"I know that the sordid sexual details of mine and Santana's past are something you'd probably like me to spare." Brittany whispers, her eyes downcast so she doesn't see Quinn tilt her head to the side and shake it slowly, her own eyes saddened. Quinn understands that the 'sex' isn't the point of the story but just a mere detail that while normally she'd prefer to be left out of hearing about Brittany and Santana's sex life, it gives her a glimpse into just how special the two could be together in a moment of complete and utter vulnerability and trust.

"But that was one the most important moments in our lives and I'll never forget it for as long as I live." Quinn swallows hard when she watches her friend lift her hand just below her eye, tracing her finger along a tear and wiping it off before it trailed down her cheek. Brittany sniffles and pushes out a smile, which is sincere but slightly broken and looks up at Quinn. "No one had ever touched me like that before… or since… and in that moment I think I had realized how I loved her." The corner of Quinn's mouth twitches, she wants to smile but everything has been so sad thus far. Even a moment of happiness was bittersweet. "But even I wasn't naïve enough to know that the next day wasn't going to be rainbows and butterflies." She rolls her eyes and leans back against the headboard of her and Santana's bed and Quinn rolls on to her side to look at her friend.

"Why not?" Her voice is timid and even though she could have gathered this information by a simple deduction of the way teen Santana Lopez operated, for the life of her she didn't want it to be true.

"I woke up the next morning, she was awake too… I think for a while and she was just staring at the ceiling." She looks down at her hands in her lap, her fingers twisting and twirling the sheet that is covering her legs. "We heard the front door open and close and the voices of her parents. Oddly enough she didn't jump out of bed and rush me out, which is what I had been nervous about and half expecting but she didn't. Yet what she said didn't really make it all the much better."

* * *

"_Britt I…" Santana took a deep breath in, finding it hard to make eye contact with the girl, her best friend, next to her. Brittany tore her eyes from the Latina, who still lay just as bare as she under the comforter and she sighed._

"_I know Santana… it was just sex." She let out with clear disappointment. Santana seemed to hold her breath for a little longer, her eyes dart around her room and she clenched her jaw, perhaps to stop the words she was about to say from coming out._

"_Yeah." She finally answered, doing nothing to ease the swelling in Brittany's chest. The blonde nodded, shifting under the blanket moving her body a little further away from her best friend's in the process. "It's just that, you know…" She didn't say anything else, hoping that her lack of words would be good enough for Brittany, hoping that she wouldn't have to say the words that would inevitably crush her. So Brittany let her get away with it, not having to say and therefore not having to tear her heart up even further._

"_It's… whatever." The blonde agreed half heartedly having the feeling that regardless of whatever Santana says, words sometimes don't mean anything. _

_Sometimes, Brittany really and truly believed that words were used simply to tell lies and this was one of them. But this wouldn't be something she would figure out until much later in life. So instead of calling Santana a liar and fighting her about the fact that the night before actually did mean something, she blinked the left over sleep from her eyes and looked over her shoulder._

"_Do you want me to leave?" She asked timidly, trying to swallow that fear that she had just given herself to her best friend and then be cast aside like those boys at school were. Santana quickly shot her stare at Brittany and her mouth hung open._

"_No, I didn't… I mean, unless you __**want**__ to leave." Her eyebrows furrowed and her lips did that thing they did when she didn't know what to say but had so much to say. Brittany looked away briefly. She wished she had Santana's power of pretending. Acting like things didn't matter, especially the things that were supposed to matter. But she didn't and she never would so she shook her head and forced a smile to her face._

"_No I don't want to leave." They looked into each other's eyes and for a moment they understood each other. Santana didn't need to explain, even if Brittany desperately wanted her to because she needed to hear the words out loud but she just nodded. It wasn't going to be easy, that was for sure but, in a way she'd rather have that part of Santana even if in secret rather than not at all. And maybe that was selfish but, the both of them were okay with it at the time._

* * *

"She walked me home later that afternoon and she 'appologized'." Brittany laughs, knowing all too well that Quinn will understand what she means by that. "Obviously she didn't say the words but she told me that she had had a good time with me and that she felt closer to me."

"She said that?"

"Well, in her own little way she did." Brittany clarifies. "And then she reminded me that no one could hear about it and that it was like a secret. I agreed because… well because I kind of liked the idea that she was gentle with me when no one watched, that she looked at me in a different way than everyone else did. The idea of that going away because of anyone finding out sucked royally so, I kept it to myself in hopes that maybe if we continued down the new 'sexual' path we had discovered that night that maybe one day she wouldn't care so much about anyone knowing." She shrugs her shoulders. "I know it may seem ridiculous, to find comfort in those times it was just her and I, especially considering finding out and knowing the things she has been through but it helps." She bites her lip as though trying to keep her guilt tucked down low inside of her. Her eyes dart to the hand of her friend that covers her own, stilling her fingers from frantically tearing at a string coming off of her blanket.

"It's not." Quinn assures her, her sweet and soft voice cooling the small fire burning in Brittany's chest. She takes in a deep breath and nods, letting the other blonde know her worlds have made her feel slightly better, even if only for the time being.

"After that night, the rest of the week was just a series of small touches that sent fireworks throughout my body. Wondering and just hoping for it to happen again. Stolen glances, sweet whispers that left goose bumps all over my skin." She smirks, closing her eyes at the embarrassingly giddy affect the Latina has always had on her. "She knew what she was doing, I think. She knew she wanted to but we all know that Santana does one thing and says another so sometimes, she was hard for me to read." Quinn nods in understanding and complete agreement. These days Santana was easy going and happy, genuinely happy and the memory of the old, teenage Santana who was moody and the epitome of a teenage girl from a Lifetime movie seemed like something from so long ago. And it was, that girl did not exist any longer.

"How long did it take for you two," Quinn points at Brittany, a small blush coming to her cheeks at the fact that she is grasping for more information about her best friends and their sexual life. "For it to become like a regular thing."

"Not as long as I thought it would." Brittany admits, still seemingly shocked at how quickly their friends with benefits relationship progressed and remained. "The next weekend she asked me to stay over after a party we had to go to. And of course I did because I could not pass up the opportunity to be close to her, even if it only meant we were going to be sleeping in the same bed together. I needed it."

* * *

_Brittany's breathe against her cheek as she moved above the blonde, the whispers carelessly yet methodically spoken into the silent air of a heated bedroom in the middle of winter. The sweat over their bodies making her timid and shaking hands move smoothly and with expertise over each and every curve of her best friend's body._

_The slight gasp and groan caught in her the back of Brittany's throat as Santana's fingers moved meticulously inside of her. The soft pull of her hair as Brittany's back arched slightly, pressing wet bodies together. The sound of her name escaping Brittany's lips as her body nearly convulsed in ecstasy. The smell of sweat mixed with the blonde's sweet body splash and her bedroom._

_For those few hours, where it would be only them the moments would feel endless like they were meant to last for eternity. Their lips would meet afterwards, needing that form of relief that the other was still there even though the words were never spoken and wouldn't be for a long while. The feeling of Santana's arms wrapping around her waist would be etched into her brain for the rest of her life by the way she clung to her as though the simple gesture said everything that her mouth couldn't._

_The blonde favored those moments out of all of the others because it was them, the way they were supposed to be and even at 14 years of age, even she knew what that meant. Because what Santana didn't know was that as much as she needed Brittany, Brittany needed her just as much back._

* * *

Brittany continues to relay the rest of the freshman year, leaving out little details of the times Santana had been either forced or even willingly participated in countless sexual trysts with their schools male population. The re-telling of how Adam from the baseball team videotaped them having sex without Santana's knowledge and how he should the whole team was not as relevant as was the fact that it had happened. Or what exactly happened when Ricky Harper got Santana wasted off of a bottle of rum and talked her into a threesome with Jason Lecky.

And she wouldn't rehash every single time that unbeknownst to Tony, Santana's brother, his best friend Billy continued his nightly visits into his little sisters room whenever he stayed over the Lopez house and would until his family moved to Virginia during the middle of sophomore year. _Those_ were tidbits the blonde would keep to herself, not wanting to break Quinn's heart more than it already was breaking.

She'd even decided to leave out the disturbing play by play of when Santana had been raped by Quinn's next door neighbor the summer going into the tenth grade, though she did tell her that it had happened. Which, to Brittany's dismay, cracked Quinn and she started crying uncontrollably.

"The day that that had happened I was supposed to go with her to your house." Brittany admits quietly as she rubs soothing circles on her friend's back. Quinn sniffles, trying to silence herself to hear Brittany speak. "But my parents took me and my sisters on a last minute vacation before school started up again." Her eyes turn to her hand on Quinn's back, watching it move slowly over the sweatshirt that she has only come to notice now is Santana's and it makes her smile through her sadness. "We got back for last two weeks of summer and obviously I missed Santana miserably. I mean, we had never spent more than two days away from one another and then being away from her for a week and a half well, that pretty much sucked." Quinn lets out a chuckle but her tears do not stop. "I think that summer, she changed the most. When I got back she was like, a different person. Like that darkness I had started seeing in her eyes took her over almost completely."

"That's kind of scary." Quinn breathes out through a whimper, desperately whipping her eyes dry.

"No, it wasn't." Brittany shakes her head and Quinn turns around to look at her. "It was sad."

* * *

_Santana stood in her bathroom naked. The shower was running but she had no intentions of actually going in. It was only on in case her body decided to finally cave and let it all out. But she knew it was a lost cause, she hadn't actually cried in so long, she doesn't remember the feeling. She turned to her left, lifting her arm up slightly and brought her other arm around putting her finger to her side. Her eyes squinted as she traced the small circular burn on her skin._

_It was kind of funny because it didn't hurt. Nothing hurt and that was the problem. For the first time in all of her years she wanted to feel pain, wanted to cry and wanted someone to see all of it. But it was only her and no feelings and no tears._

_Her eyes flittered around the tiled room falling on the toothbrush holder that held her purple one, her brother's blue toothbrush and her parent's pink and orange brushes. Next were the tissue holder and then the soap that smelled like gingerbread cookies. Taking a few steps forward she reached in front of her, opening the medicine cabinet and her fingers traced over the various amounts of over the counter medication along with the not so over the counter bottles that had her brother's and her mother's name on them._

_There were nail files aligned next to the box of Benadryl, dental floss beside eye drops and some extra toothpaste standing up beside a pair of cuticle scissors. She grabbed the small metal scissors and played with them in her hands, eyeing them up and weighing them in her hand. With a sigh she stood on her toes and placed them back haphazardly knocking down a few things from the cabinet that fell into the sink._

_Her hands quickly went to the sink to place everything back as it was before when something shiny caught her eye. It was her father's razor. The man had an affinity for things of crap from even before he was born heir go his old fashioned face razor. It was one of those razors that had an actual razor snapped into it and could be sharpened by hand which, Santana had always thought was rather convenient seeing as her and her mother went through disposable razors like nobody's business._

_She picked it up with two fingers only to grip it fully in her hand when she realized how heavy the thing actually was. Her eyes marveled over the way the handle was shaped, it was thick and sturdy yet perfect for working with the way of one's hand to get those hard to reach places. In the past she'd contemplated totally using her father's razor because his face was always nice and smooth and her Bic lady razors sucked and always left her slightly prickly. But she never did because she was always afraid of getting cut because, well, it's an actually razor in there, like one from a box cutter._

_Then, as though things fell into place she titled her head and looked from the razor in her hand to her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes wandered over the contours of her own body, glancing briefly over the cigarette burn on her side. It made her wonder, maybe just maybe she __**could **__feel something after all. So, she reached up to grab her father's shaving kit, knowing he kept extra razors in the kit for when the one he was using was completely dull. She unzipped it and rifled for a few seconds before rubbing her fingers along something cool and metal._

_Santana looked at it for a little while. Examining the sharp edges and the way it glistened in the light. She bit her lip and brought the blade down to her hip. It wasn't like she was trying to kill herself so she was not about to try that out on her wrist, heaven forbid she passed out from cutting her wrist in the wrong place how would she explain that to her parents. And she wasn't going to leave traces of this event for anyone to see because that's when questions arise. She needed a place to hide this mark this way no one would know and no one would ask and no one would care. Santana pressed down lightly against her skin only to see that nothing was happening._

_Her heart clenched tightly in her chest as she thought about what pushing harder cutting in deep would truly mean. All she really wanted was a feeling, some sort of feeling to these things she was carrying around. She __**wanted**__ to feel the pain but the emotion, the concept of it seemed like a distant memory to her at that point. The only time she had ever felt anything was when she was with Brittany but her blonde friend was not there. She was away for the week and Santana was itching for some sort of physical feeling, some sort of anything really. A way to get out of the silence she had been living in for almost two years now._

_If she pressed down she would be freed of everything. All of the nightmares that came to her when she closed her eyes at night, all of the memories that haunted her vision in every passing day. If she could get the toxins out of her body then maybe she would be able to rid herself of the weight in her chest and on her shoulders and in the cracked heart in her ribcage. Then maybe she'd be okay. Then maybe she wouldn't have all of this hate and wouldn't be left worrying as she lay in bed about if she had locked her bedroom door._

_By pressing that razor harder she could maybe make everything in her life disappear, everything bad anyway and make room for the little good in her life she had left. But it occurred to her as she watched her hand moving the blade a millimeter to the left that she didn't feel the pain. She realized, though the inner turmoil ate at her insides until they pulsated with an indescribable ache, she realized how numb she actually was._

_That each push and pull and tear of her skin didn't even give her the satisfaction she had needed and wanted. That cutting deeper would not let her control her pain. It was weird, because even though she couldn't feel it, she couldn't stop. It scarred her on the outside but it mirrored her scars on the inside._

_It didn't really matter to her that the blood dripping down and over her thigh had fell to the rug. It was merely a stain that would wash out in the next load of laundry whereas the secrets, lies and her stolen innocence that swam though the blood would never be washed away from her. She would have found it amusing if it wasn't so sad._

_Her brain had shut off at some point because when her eyes came back into focus she was staring at a tile on the wall by the floor. As she allowed her brain in on what her eyes were looking at, she let her mind run off into different directions. The tiles her mother had picked out for the bathroom were not mass produced, they couldn't have been. It astounded her, as she snapped back into reality, where her mind had taken her when she realized that she still held the bloody razor in her hand._

* * *

"I went to her house the day we got back from vacation and she looked like a zombie." Brittany's voice had remained emotionless for the entire time, still not able to stomach the fact that Santana had been able to do that to herself and internally berating herself for not being there for her best friend when she needed her most. "She wasn't happy, she was tired and irritable."

Normally Quinn would make a comment about that being Santana but at this moment she can't find the humor in a quip about her friend. So instead, she hands her head and continues to listen.

"I should have known, should have figured it out because that first night she barely let me touch her." The blonde explains, running her fingers through her hair as if trying to erase those memories from playing in her mind. "I asked her what she did while I was away and she told me she hung out with Puck a few times and I did my best to act unfazed even though it killed me to know that, while I was gone she was letting Puck touch her and that she was touching him." She huffs, rolls her eyes and takes in a deep breath. "We… did it that night and then I stayed over and I remember waking up in the middle of the night alone in her bed. Obviously I assumed she was in the bathroom so I went right back to bed."

"She was cutting herself." Quinn speaks up, stating the obvious yet unbearable truth. Brittany glances over at her friend, nodding and sucking her lips into her teeth. "Why would she cut herself?" She's not asking for an explanation. She's not waiting for Brittany to deliver some eloquent speech about why people in pain do things to themselves. She just doesn't get it, she doesn't want to get it… she doesn't want to believe it.

* * *

_Whether it was temptation or exhaustion, she will never be able to differentiate the two. Doctor's would later say it was a way to cope and or gain control to make up for the things that she couldn't. Other's would say she was a little girl lost trying to find her way. Trying to get back from the prison her own body had become. That she did it because she had been numb for so long she just needed to make sure she was still alive. That she needed to feel __**something**__, even if it was only more pain._

_But if anyone were to ask Brittany why Santana did it, why she did it the first time and all of those other times after that, her response would be 'escape'. Santana found a small sliver of escape from the very first time. The adrenaline coursing through her veins made her do it. Since she wouldn't talk about it for years she would carve it out as the story went on. Each chapter perfectly etched into her with no real purpose of it ever being read aloud._

_The first time it was far from being premeditated. Each marked place in a sequence that created words, that created sentences, that created the tale of her life which was a living nightmare. And a reminder of everything she had done, seen, said, been through and would never get back each and every single day until there was nothing else to write._

_Temptation. _

_Each day is laced with it. Tempted to lie. Tempted to be truthful and honest. Tempted towards light. Tempted towards darkness. Tempted to try. Tempted to do. Tempted to succeed. Tempted to fail. Tempted to run like a bat out of hell. Tempted to stay still. Tempted into submission. Tempted to control. Tempted to let go. Tempted to hold on for dear life._

_When she finally returned to bed, somewhat disoriented either from lack of sleep or maybe a little bit of blood loss she was greeted by Brittany shuffling closer to her body. In that moment she felt guilty. Why had she done what she did, why was she doing that to herself? She had her friend, her best friend, her… whatever it was that Brittany was slowly becoming to her yet it didn't feel like anything, anything she deserved anyway._

_She turned her head to look down at the sleeping blonde. Santana always found in fascinating that everyone assumed Brittany was just a dumb blonde cheerleader. Sure, she said things that were out of the ordinary, making off topic comments here and there. But there was a method to Brittany's madness. She masked her intelligence with a childlike naivety to avoid forced confrontation and unnecessary conversations. Santana envied this of her friend._

_Brittany made herself available enough to others but, just shy enough away to never be needed much by them. Santana appreciated this of the blonde because she was not one of those others that Brittany kept distant. She was one of the very few that the blonde kept close, so close that it was sometimes hard to distinguish where Santana ended and Brittany began._

* * *

"There was always this force driving us together whether it was friendship or love…"

"One and the same." Quinn whispers and Brittany smiles, nodding at this statement and whole heartedly agreeing.

"It was like the more one of us pulled away the more the closer the other needed to be. Like we knew, just knew we needed each other even when we couldn't say the words." She muses, leaning back and shuffling down the bed until her head hits the pillow. "Sophomore year changed so much, we all changed so much and… just everything changed." Quinn turns on her side some more tucking her hand under her chin trying to read her friend's expression.

It is true, that year changed everything.

"We joined the Glee club and I remember her being so pissed at you because after all her hard work of making us popular, she said it was like you just shit all over it." Brittany stops herself before continuing to spare a glance at the other blonde to make sure she was not at all going to take this statement as an accusation for the things that Santana went through.

"It's okay B, I know." She comforts her, grabbing her hand with her own and lacing their fingers together. Brittany sighs, squeezing their hands tightly and turns back to look at the ceiling. "You got pregnant with Puck's baby." She says quietly into the late morning air, trying to be as sensitive as possible because it was still a topic that brought such heartache. "She was pissed because Puck, well he was kind of one of the guys she could control with sex." Her jaw clenches letting the feeling of jealousy leave her body, it was long ago anyway. "And then, there was Finn." She shakes her head, recalling the memory as though it were yesterday.

* * *

_Santana knew Brittany didn't know any better. It wasn't like she had taught her well when it came to sexual relationships with anyone considering she was one of her teachers so to speak. The Latina had made it clear to the blonde the whole 'get in get out' motto of being a promiscuous teenage girl but still trying to maintain a squeaky clean image. Sure, it wasn't her with that image to uphold but she wanted something more for the blonde than she had for herself. At least when it came to Brittany, she knew that the guys that the blonde had sex with weren't going to try anything like they did with her._

_On occasion she had strenuously opposed Brittany to do anything with someone she deemed unsuitable for her best friend. Which, if it was completely up to her Brittany would be a virgin, when it came to boys anyway. But if she were to follow in Santana's footsteps, as she had made abundantly clear the year before she would allow the dark haired girl to state her opinions and take them into consideration and vice versa. Though, when it came to Santana she never listened to anybody and she did what she wanted to do and more importantly who she wanted to do._

_So when Brittany suggested that during Madonna week Santana have sex with Finn it shouldn't have mattered. They were constantly luring boys to do their bidding, which was increasing their social status, and getting it on with the quarter back of the football team and someone who was relatively well liked in the school would totally boost her standing as queen bee of the school. Especially after the scandal forever dubbed as 'baby-gate'._

_It crossed her mind, as she mulled the idea over about getting down and dirty with the oaf that was Finn Hudson, why Brittany would suggest such a guy. Because to be honest, Finn was so not her type. He was goofy and not in that endearing cute kind of way but more in the stupid probably ate paint chips as a baby kind of way. Not that she really took much thought into her conquests intelligence before but he was the epitome of not her type._

_She glanced over at him standing by his locker as Brittany spoke to her, wondering what the hell was it about that guy that made Rachel and Quinn swoon. She couldn't help but roll her eyes at the thought of Quinn, former best friend and former Cheerio. That girl was so on her list yet she could still feel that ping of something in her heart when she thought about her. Regardless, this kid was a weird kind of spawn from Frankenstein and a ragdoll yet he had chicks falling over him. It made no sense to her but maybe it was the fact that he was actually a nice guy. _

_She quirked an eyebrow and turned her attention back to Brittany, closed her locker and strutted over towards Finn Hudson._

* * *

"I guess I figured she didn't like him as a person in general that she wouldn't really do it." She sighs and closes her eyes. "I honestly don't know what I was thinking. Like maybe if I pushed her into the direction of someone like Finn, someone who was nice and so not like Puck or the other guys she'd been with that maybe she'd realize she had feelings for me." She turns her head to look into Quinn's eyes who offers her a small smile. "I don't know and she never really went into details about that night. Just that it was a mistake and that she wished she could take it back, for both of their sakes."

"It wasn't really one of her finest moments." Quinn comments getting a confused look from the other blonde. "I mean, I guess I always thought she did that to get back at me or something." She shrugs.

"I think that was part of it too but… she did tell me that it was the first time she started to feel a little." Quinn lifts her head, a bewildered expression on her face and Brittany half grins and shakes her head. "Not for Finn obviously but, she felt bad. She regretted it which says a lot considering up until that point… she wasn't feeling much of anything." Hazel eyes drop down to clasped hands and she swallows hard. "I think that the only regret she had up until then was being with me."

"Don't say that, you know that's not true." Quinn chastises her friend moving to sit up in bed and forcing Brittany to look at her. "You and I both know that Santana does not regret anything you two shared so stop that now." Quinn shakes her head, not understanding. "Why would you say something like that Britt?"

"What I mean by that is, the way she was with me. Like… I don't know how to explain it." She pauses, giving up on trying to give reason to her thoughts or the way her mind works and Quinn just lets her get away with it and nods for her to continue the story. "The rest of the year went on much like the summer did. While she and I continued to mess around with boys, we continued living in like… a bubble when we were alone. It became more frequent and sometimes she would leave after if we were at my house and sometimes she'd beg me to stay when we were at her house." She tucks some of her hair behind her ear and bites her lip, remembering her past. "Summer break just started and then something changed, with her."

* * *

_In some ways, being with Brittany was what Santana could equate to water torture. Their motions were slow, thought out and more importantly made with purpose. Each press of a finger, the way lips brushed up against skin and the whispers of soft and sweet words into the darkness of one of their bedrooms were made for a simple reason. It was out of love. _

_Love. _

_Santana was sure of that. Even if it was the one thing that would make her push and pull away and run. It was the most important thing really, but it was just another piece of evidence to add to the ever growing list of things she wouldn't come to realize till later. Because even if she could feel it, which she very well could, she didn't know what it was. She couldn't be sure, couldn't pin point the emotion because she had nothing to compare it to she had no words to describe it, then anyhow and so instead of letting herself verbalize in stutters and stammers she let herself feel it. Well, as much of it as she allowed herself to._

_But regardless of the uncertainty of what those feelings were, she couldn't shake that notion that it was in fact love. So in those moments, she decided to own that feeling the best to her ability._

_She could feel it in every single graze of Brittany's slender fingers against her body and in every kiss that touched her lips and the skin between her legs. She couldn't fight the feeling she got in the pit of her stomach when the blonde would pull her head up just so and stare directly into her eyes. Those blue eyes locking into her own much darker ones and she could feel it._

_It hurt her to feel anything in general, other than anger and disappointment. Though she did try her hardest not to let either of those two feelings come into play during her moments with Brittany she sometimes couldn't push them aside. But more so she hated herself. It wasn't fair for her to feel this way for Brittany. It wasn't fair to either one of them._

_For Brittany, love from a person, a girl like Santana would only prove to be a failure. She had nothing to offer Brittany except herself and that did not seem, to her, like a deal of a lifetime. Santana was no longer pure, hadn't been for quite some time. She was the trash from the wrong side of the tracks destined for this world that led her to a life of meaningless one night stands and other various sexual encounters that she was sure she had lost count of._

_For her, it wasn't fair that she had only just found it, love that is. Had she seen it earlier, realized it sooner then maybe, just maybe she would be that girl for Brittany, that person she deserved. It was as though the universe had this plan out to sabotage her life from the get go. Like her life was one big cosmic joke only she wasn't laughing._

_She wanted to hate her, Brittany, for even making her feel anything. But mostly she hated herself for making her feel anything negative towards the blonde. Hated the way she would pull herself away from Brittany and make things between them seem like a mistake afterwards or even make it sound like it was something she did as a hobby. What made it all that more horrible was that she felt herself trying to make Brittany feel the way __**she**__ did. _

_Years later she'd realize why she thought this way and why she did the things she did when it came to her best friend. Her most recent therapist will suggest that maybe it was Santana's way of asking for help, begging even. It will make her think for a few days until she finally brings Brittany in for a session and her therapist will explain and then she will break down and apologize for ever putting her girlfriend through that. But back then, when she was going through it she would have either offered a sarcastic, bitter explanation or rolled her eyes and avoided it all together. _

_But even in those moments when she would lash out and try to be emotionless when in the arms or the very presence of Brittany, she found it difficult not to succumb to the blonde's powers. Those eyes were captivating and she could feel them invade her very soul as though searching deep inside of her. Blues desperately looking for the answers and the reasons behind the outbursts and the tantrums of unrelenting silence that would randomly fall between them regardless of the fact that she always came up empty. Those eyes that would try and seek out the pain and it's cause, the hint of having the cure for her friend's ailments lying just beneath the concern._

_It was too scary sometimes and Santana was almost positive that if she allowed Brittany to look for too long she would find it. She would see the dirt and the darkness that covered her soul, her being and every other place that had been tampered with by outside forces. But most of all it hurt. It hurt to not let it out and not let her see. It tore her up hiding so much of herself from the only person who had ever wanted to see her and wanted to accept her. But with the inability to accept herself became the roadblock to that desire for the blonde and her best friend._

"_What are you thinking?" Brittany asked her as their breathing became more relaxed. Her eyes remained fixed on the ceiling of her friend's bedroom ceiling too afraid to meet those blue eyes. Even though the lights were off and the moonlight shining in from the window barely illuminated the desk in front of it, she knew Brittany could see her._

"_Nothing much." She lied, even saying it in an airy voice that sounded so thoughtless. Brittany shifted under the covers, her leg grazing Santana's and resting against it._

"_Why do you do that?" Brittany questioned, her tone different from before, sounding kind of exhausted and not from their previous activities. Losing her battle with the ceiling Santana turned her head towards the blonde and quirked an eyebrow. She wasn't prepared to have an actual conversation about anything substantial, being more than okay with basking in the afterglow of orgasms and sweet lady kisses. True her mind was running wild, she had grown to tune it out even when the voices were so loud. "Pretend like you're not thinking about something." Brittany continued when it became apparent Santana was not going to respond. "You're always thinking about something, it's common knowledge." She shrugged her shoulders at her own statement and Santana could feel a rush of air come into her lungs. "Even if it's something silly like, I don't know, purple rain drops or something." Her head moved onto Santana's shoulder and her hand came across her chest to rest on the other. "Everyone's always thinking about something." She finished letting out a small sigh._

"_I'm sorry." Santana hadn't realized what she was saying until it came out of her mouth. But truth be told, she wasn't lying that time. She was actually being honest, she __**was**__ sorry._

"_It's okay." Brittany told her softly letting her fingers walk up Santana's neck to play with her dark hair. "I just, you know… you can talk to me about anything." She reminded her best friend, listening closely to the heartbeat she could faintly hear from where her head was still positioned on the Latina's shoulder. Santana nodded her head. "Even if it's just to tell me about purple rain drops." Santana felt her lips curl up briefly._

"_I know Britt." Her eyes fell to the blonde she could see without moving her head. "I was thinking about stuff but…" She took in a deep, unsteady breath not really sure what was about to come out of her mouth. "I just don't really want to talk about it." Santana decided on and she could feel Brittany's body slump into hers in defeat. "Is that okay?" It was hesitant but so sad, the way her voice came out. Brittany lifted her head, resting her chin onto Santana's shoulder and brought her hand to come to her best friend's cheek. She nodded._

"_Yeah, it's okay." She told her._

_After that it took all of two seconds for Santana to jump out of her best friend's bed and race around the room pulling her clothes back on. Brittany sat up, clutching the sheet to her chest as she watched the Latina frantically pull her shirt over her head, not even bothering to put her bra back on and the way she slammed her foot into her shoes, her heels stepping on the backs of them and leaving them untied._

_Santana went to the door, grabbing the handle and sparing one last look at Brittany before walking out the door. They didn't say anything and at the last second Santana looked away and then turned her head and walked out, closing the door behind her._

* * *

Quinn and Brittany moved themselves from the comfort of Santana and Brittany's bed to the couch in their living room, bringing the comforter along with them. They sit with their backs against the arms of the couch and their feet meeting in the middle clutching mugs of hot tea in their hands.

"It kind of became a thing I guess." Brittany trails off, her finger playing with the string of her tea, her eyes watching the tea bag dip slowly in and out of the hot water. "With her anyway. We'd have sex and then everything would be perfect, well, close to it anyway and then moments later she would be rushing to get out or start cleaning her room. Anything to distract her."

"She needed to get away?" Quinn asks unsure if her observation was true or simply her opinion. Brittany shrugs and shakes her head and looks up from her tea to her friend.

"She eventually told me that she needed to get away… from me." Brittany's eyes cloud over but she does her best to keep tiny tears at bay because they are of no use. "Sometimes she'd go home, sometimes she'd find some guy and sometimes she would just completely shut me out."

"Find some guy?" It's not like the idea is ridiculous, Santana used to have the ability to get any guy she wanted but obviously the guys she mostly got with were the boys that went to her school. The vagueness in Brittany's words made her question otherwise.

* * *

_She didn't know why she stole her mother's car, she didn't know where she was even going. It wasn't really the reasoning behind her journey, a destination. It was to get away, far away for as long as possible, until she had to turn around and go back. Return to reality, but for now she was content with running away to what could be._

_In the car, on the road she could be non-existent, not be Santana Lopez, not be a Cheerio, not be __**that**__ girl. She was Santana the teenager who thought about being a construction worker when she was 10 years old to impress her father. Santana, the teenager who made a promise to Brittany and Quinn that they'd be best friends and even though most of those things were no longer true it was good to remember when it was._

_She'd found herself stopped at a gas station on some route she'd never seen before. Pulling in to a parking spot she decided to go in and grab a drink and perhaps something to eat. Her eyes gazed over the cooled beverages, landing and sticking to the cases of beer she'd wished she could steal and try and wash away the things she'd tried to get away from._

"_You want me to hook you up?" A low voice came from behind her and after rolling her eyes she turned around and shot a sweet smile at the young man wearing a trucker's hat. He winked at her, of course after he'd looked her up and down without any reservations about being caught and pulled the door open to retrieve some beer. "Wait outside." He told her quietly._

_She did as she was told, waiting outside by her car with her hands in her pockets. He spotted her as soon as he got out and walked over with his hands full of alcohol and a pack of cigarettes. They stood there awkwardly for a few minutes and she wondered what she was supposed to do to thank him for providing her, a teenager, with beer._

_The room was musty, dank and if she craned her neck just so she could hear the faucet from the bathroom dripping which only made it sound more depressing. He had left long ago, leaving her in the bed and she wasn't sure if he thought she was asleep or if he could care less. Even now she doesn't know, but if she had to guess she would say the latter._

_There were empty beer bottles on the table between the bed and the window to the right of the door. Bottle caps strewn about the room, by the bathroom, on the floor by her clothes and on the bedside table. He left his cigarettes on the table by the empty bottles and she wondered if he had left them for a reason. Had he been in a rush to get out of there and had simply forgotten where he placed them? Did he just have money to blow and would buy things without a care of their misplacement?_

_Neither reason mattered to her but it was something to do, to think about, and to erase the events that had occurred in the very room an hour ago. Her mind wandered in dimness and a forest of confusion as her eyes stared down the cigarettes. She had seen in movies and in television when people were stressed, going through tough times they would pull out a stick and light up. She gave a shrug in a decision made without much thought._

_When her feet touched the ground she ignored the fact that she was still very much unclothed. She stepped over her bra that had been torn off it was of no use to her now and would merely become a casualty of a string of events tied together. Her jacket was tossed haphazardly over the chair, practically reaching the ground. Her skirt and top were crumpled at the foot of the bed but what was so interesting about the room was probably how neatly placed her shoes were by the door._

_Picking up the pack of cigarettes she carefully read the warning labels on the side, her fingers holding the edges delicately as though it were such a fragile thing. Her eyes darted down to the table where a book of matches with the motel's name written on it and she reached down for it. The cigarette was placed between her lips before she even realized she was lighting the match. The fire burned in front of her face and she watched herself bring the flame to the tip of the cigarette._

_The first intake of smoke was not as surprising as she assumed it would have been. It was oddly smooth and somewhat comforting. She knew how bad smoking was for one's health yet, it seemed insignificant compared to so many other things that endanger health. She turned her body, resting her bottom on the table and crossing one arm over her chest letting the elbow of the other to lean on her forearm._

_The sheets of the bed were in disarray and the box of condoms that lay on the nightstand was ripped open, by it were the wrappers to the condoms themselves. For a moment she thought about the young man she'd just met, never actually catching his name, and how considerate it was of him to come prepared. But even that didn't quell the fact that even a stranger knew what kind of a girl she was._

_She pushed herself up from the table and walked around the room, cigarette still in hand. Her mind wandered, not actually paying attention to the room itself, and her thoughts fell onto Brittany of all people especially after what had just happened. Her hand went to her stomach, there was an aching pain there and it was slowly rising up into her throat. She ran into the bathroom just making it and hurled all the contents in her body into the toilet._

_Flushing it down, she wiped her face with the back of her hand, staring at herself in the reflection of the corroded mirror of the equally gross room. It was then in that stupid, filthy, by the side of the road truck stop motel that Santana realized something incredibly important and as equally horrible. She felt ashamed. She thought about Brittany and she could feel nothing but shame._

_Her hands came up to her cheeks, wiping away furiously tears that were not there. It wasn't lost on her that Brittany cared about, why she could not for the life of her understand. No one else liked her. Not even the losers in the Glee club liked her. The guys she slept with barely liked her, they simply tolerated her because she was hot and would do whatever they wanted._

_It felt wrong, letting Brittany care about her even though the knowledge that the blonde did, made her feel good on the inside. But it didn't matter really because if she ever knew anything, any of the crap that Santana had been through, she's sure the blonde would retreat. _

_She cupped some water in her hand and with the faintest thought of it being most likely unfiltered water she gulped it to get the vomit taste off of her teeth. It was clear to her that she still had the ability to get what she wanted but with being with almost all of the guys at school already it was kind of a been there done that. _

_She needed an edge. Quinn had her 'just had a baby but I'm still a virgin' thing going on so she was still in the top spot of being sought after. But what did Santana have? A lengthy list of one night stands and perhaps a dozen YouTube videos, that she knew of anyway, of her posted by some geeky reject that snuck into a Cheerio's party. Not that she minded the publicity, it kind of helped her maintain her reign of being not just a bitch, but head bitch._

_A few days later Brittany made her way up the steps the Lopez household and rang the doorbell. She was greeted by Tony, Santana's older brother, with a smile. But then he faltered and asked her what she was doing there. She jerked her head back taken aback._

"_She's in California." He told her, tilting his head in curiosity. He knew the girl's were close and wondered if maybe it was one of those times where Brittany was confused._

"_Umm, what?" Brittany asked not quite understanding._

"_She's gonna be in California for the next week and a half." He explained, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning his back up against the door frame. Brittany looked around, not quite believing the news and not getting that Santana would not have told her about the trip._

"_California?" Tony can't help but chuckle at the blonde's slow processing brain._

"_Yeah, she's staying with our Aunt, 'visiting relatives'." He rolled his eyes and used finger quotes at the end._

"_Tony!" Mrs. Lopez came from out of nowhere slapping her son in the back of the head. He jumped up at the contact, rubbing his head with his hand and waving to Brittany as he walked away. "Brittany." The older woman smiles while her hands fold a dish towel._

"_Santana's in California?"_

"_Yes, for a week and a half." The woman simply repeated her son's words but Brittany nodded as though the second time around the information seeps in._

"_Oh, okay." Her shoulders slumped and her head fell bringing her chin to her chest. "Tell her I say 'hi' when you talk to her?" She looked up to meet Mrs. Lopez's warm eyes. The woman smiled and nodded._

"_Of course I will sweetheart. And don't worry, she'll be back before you know it."_


	10. Dance So Good

**_okay there's a few things you need to know before you continue reading. now i wrote this a while back and so some things that happened on the show kind of got in the way of my story and i wanted it to stay as true to the timeline of the show as possible (even though obviously this is not Santana's actual background, just my own interpretation). however, there may be parts in this piece that make you go 'huh?' but for the sake of the story just go with it and in the end it will all make sense, i promise._**

**_thank you guys:) read and review and let me know what you think and how you think the story is progressing_**

* * *

"Her mom was wrong." Brittany shakes her head, twirling her spoon around in her yogurt. "I felt like I was waiting for forever for her to come back." The blonde explains, looking up from her food momentarily. "It seriously was like an eternity."

"So what the hell was she doing in California?" Quinn asks quickly, leaning in waiting for the answer and Brittany bobs her head from side to side and then looks down to her own chest and motions to it. "_Oh_." Quinn nods, her eyes getting slightly wide with understanding.

* * *

_The trip had obvious purpose, her dad had sent her to a friend he had went to medical school with who was one of __**the**__ most sought after plastic surgeons. But secretly Santana had another reason for desperately happy about the week and a half long trip to California and that reason was Brittany. Everything was getting heavy and not only in the sexy 'hot and heavy' kind of way but in the emotionally and touchy feely, feeling kind of way._

_And all of that was very exhausting._

_The day she had gotten back to Lima she knew that she needed to see Brittany, even though everything inside of her was telling her turn around and run as fast as she could. But it was odd because those same things were telling her to run into the direction of Brittany, it was all very confusing._

_So when the blonde had opened her door, pulled Santana inside and dragged her up the stairs into her bedroom she nervously went along with it in hopes that the presence and physical contact with her best friend would somehow make everything else okay like it normally would. With the door closed Brittany threw her body into the Latina's, holding her tightly against her and bringing her face to nestle in the crook of the shorter girl's neck. Santana allowed her body to react, bringing her arms up and around Brittany's form and hugging back._

"_I missed you." Brittany whispered on to her skin and Santana was suddenly reminded for the reasons why she'd been making herself distant. She swallowed hard and stepped back, careful enough to slap a smile onto her face to hide everything else. "Why did you go to California?" She knew that question was going to come out, it was inevitable and would be weird if Brittany didn't ask her._

_She contemplated lying, it had become her go to thing for so long now but she knew that even if she did lie Brittany would figure it out sooner than later. So she grinned and stepped back from the blonde in front of her and waved her hands around her chest._

"_What?" Brittany asked in confusion. Santana rolled her eyes, not in irritation but in the fact that she would have to further verbalize the transformation she had undergone while she was away. But then, a better idea came to her and she brought her hands to the bottom of her shirt and lifted it over her head. "Sant- my mom's down…" The blonde stopped speaking, her eyes glued to her best friend's chest who was sticking it out a little more than naturally to show off her recently acquired assets._

"_They're still a little swollen the doctor said, but only a little bit." Santana explained, moving her torso from side to side to show them off better. "But this is pretty much how big they are now." She beamed, or at least tried to, at her friend whose eyes were still set on her chest. "Hey Britt, eyes are up here." She motioned her hand around her chest and pointed up to her face finally getting Brittany's attention._

"_Sorry…" She exhaled, her eyes flickered one more for a second down to the obvious boob job Santana had done. "Why…?" Brittany titled her head and Santana furrowed her eyebrows._

"_Wow that was so not the response I was going for, thanks B." Santana grunted and bent down to grab her top._

"_Wait, no I…" Brittany put her hand out to stop the other girl from moving and when she did the blonde walked up to her. "It's… I mean I thought you looked beautiful before." Her blue eyes searched for brown ones that were avoiding. "That's all." She said sweetly as Santana continued to look off to the side somewhat uncomfortably. For some reason that complement didn't seem to be the response she was going for either._

* * *

"Blah blah school started and you were determined to get back onto the Cheerio's and…" Quinn looks down regretfully and shamefully avoids Brittany's eyes. "Yeah, so she was pretty pissed." She settles on, not wanting to go back to the drama that happened when Quinn blurted Santana's 'summer surgery' to Sue. She shakes her head, rolls her eyes and clears her throat finally getting Quinn to look back up at her. "Anyway, a few weeks after that shit went down I started dating Artie and…"

"Wait why _did_ you start dating Artie, hearing all of this I don't get it?" Quinn tilts her head to the side quirking one of her perfectly sculpted eyebrows.

"Long story short, I did it to make Santana jealous." Brittany tells her straight out causing both of Quinn's eyebrows to shoot up to her hairline. "It was stupid and immature but it worked." Her lips twist, recalling the night she'd made the decision to hit on Artie to get him to go out with her. Shaking her head, in a way she wishes she never did such a thing. "We were in my room making out during out free period and one thing led to another, verbally I mean." She clarifies when Quinn shoots her a questioning glare. "And she completely had like… gay panic and told me she was only hooking up with me because Puck was in juvie and that it wasn't like she was in love with me."

"That's harsh." Quinn interjects, Brittany simply nods.

"When we had sex I purposely told Santana in hopes that it would get under her skin which I know is mean but…" She shrugs her shoulders again, regretful of the choices she'd made during that situation. "He ended things with me but then we got back together."

* * *

_There was one thing that kept her grounded. One thing that allowed her to retain the shred of sanity she had managed to keep a hold of. One thing, one… person. She knew it was her fault but it was a lose, lose situation regardless. She was too broken for what that person needed. But what bothered her the most was that she felt more broken than ever. Brittany was like the ribbon to her balloon, without her keeping her steady Santana wasn't sure where she'd end up._

_That weekend she stayed home. She didn't have the energy to run amuck, she didn't have the energy to do much of anything. She realized she could get away without doing anything at school when Monday rolled around too. Being at the bottom of the pyramid in Cheerio's didn't leave her with much room to shine, so she half assed it. In Glee, well everyone was way too self involved to even notice her wallowing. Though she did manage to squeeze out a snarky comment or too. That only made her feel better for a breath of a second._

* * *

"I think that when Miss Holiday came the second time around to help with the Glee club was one of the most confusing times of my life." Brittany admits, her fingers busy playing with the remote control taking out the batteries and putting them back in over and over again. "It was weird because ever since, God… I don't know… for so long I had known there was something I wanted from Santana. Something substantial and meaningful and something tangible. I guess for so long it had been something I would simply dream about and wonder what if but then there we were, standing in the hallway by our lockers and she was saying all of these things that I had always wanted her to say."

"What did she say?"

"That she wanted to be with me and that everything else all of those other guys meant nothing to her." Brittany lets her head lean back against the sofa a small smile on her lips. "And I remember feeling so relieved that I wasn't the only one out of the two of us that felt that way. She didn't tell me she loved me or anything but I guess she didn't have to in that moment. She was being honest, more honest than she had been in so long that I couldn't help but melt inside."

"Is that when you finally kicked Artie to the curb?" But Brittany's smile fades and she shakes her head.

"No."

* * *

_Brittany walked up behind Santana, hands firmly gripped to her backpack. It wasn't lost on the blonde how minute, immobile, less talkative and so many other things that come naturally to a human being had seemed since the interaction in the hallway just a few days ago._

"_Hey Santana." Her own voice only echoed the feelings inside of her. Santana stiffened at the sound of Brittany's airy greeting. Her eyes flickered to the side acknowledging the other girls presence but tried not to care. But even with eyeing the blonde briefly she did not respond with words or anything else. Picking up on Santana's brush off she stepped closer. "Santana can we please talk, I don't want to…"_

"_Brittany," Santana said through gritted teeth, closing her eyes tightly and took a deep breath letting it out slowly. "Britt." She said once again but more calmly than before and she glanced over her shoulder meeting blue eyes. "You broke my heart." It was kind of the truth, the fact that her heart was already half broken prior only seemed like a minor detail. She shrugged her shoulders. "What else is there to talk about?" She asked harshly but she was not waiting for an answer. Brittany felt her mouth open but she could only watch as Santana closed her locker and walk away from her._

"_Can you please just talk to me?" Brittany begged her voice rose a little in hopes that getting louder would cause the Latina to stop. "Tell me what's wrong." And it worked, Santana's body went rigid and she spun around and marched up to the blonde._

"_What is it?" Santana whispered harshly, her fists clenched at her sides and Brittany only looked back at her in confusion. "What is it about me? Because obviously there's something that makes me not good enough for you." She clarified, her eyes flickered around the hallway hoping no one was listening. "Not good enough for you to pick me over Monster Truck Rally." She crossed her arms trying her hardest to avoid eye contact._

"_See that's it Santana, __**I**__ don't think those things you project those insecurities onto me to make me out to be the bad guy in the situation." Brittany explained to her, stepping closer to keep the conversation strictly between them. Santana scoffed at the accusation._

"_Oh, so now you're saying __**I'm**__ the bad guy?" She smirked with irritation._

"_When it comes down to yourself, yeah… you're the bad guy." The blonde turned on her heels leaving Santana standing alone in the hallway._

* * *

"I hadn't realized that by staying with Artie I had hurt her, that she was hurt because she thought I picked him over her." She sighs, slumping further into the couch. "I know that sounds so… foolish. But I guess I was a bit naïve back then." Brittany looks down at her cell phone that buzzes in her lap and she cracks a small smile when she sees it's from Santana. "If I had known that part of the equation, understood it more or better," She shakes her head looking up with a sad smile and shrugs. "I never meant to hurt her." Her voice cracks, images of the younger and broken Santana flying through her mind.

* * *

_The sun had set long ago and the warmth that a winter Lima's day brought had faded along with the light. Darkness and coldness were two things that Santana had grown to know well. Another thing that had seemed to come along with a winter's night was not just the bitter cold nipping at her bare legs, but the sense of loneliness. _

_Sure, she had family, a big one actually and they cared for her and were there for her always. And sure, she had friends, give or take a frenemy that she had at McKinley but even those weren't enough to keep her from feeling alone in the world. Not the world, like the earth, the place everyone inhabited and went along in their days going to work, school and other various extracurricular, this was a different world. Her world, population 1._

_At better times, she would pretend that this world she resided in had a population count of 1.5. That half belonging to the one and only person that had ever given her the benefit of the doubt and the one person that had ever really given a damn about her. But that half seemed like a distant star that was once there but can't be seen anymore. A star that had been burnt out in the blink of an eye because it had been burning so bright and so strong and it was like it stopped burning because it was tired. Like it was tired because no one noticed it, as though no one cared to notice it, and it's like most things really, that it's only missed because it's no longer there. _

_That's how Santana equated the missing .5 of her world's population. Comparing her to a star that had burned out from shining too bright for way too long, waiting for someone to embrace her shining. Brittany was her star and she didn't notice her. But she had and that was the biggest problem. Well, that and she hadn't let the blonde know that she knew she was shining. That she knew she was there to light her way, to give her the light to take away her darkness and show her the way. To make everything that was bleak and far gone seem close and comforting but, that's not what happened._

_She hiccupped but was quick to swallow the air that comes up with that. The taste of her father's vodka still lingered in the back of her throat, the burning sensation had not quite gone away. But that part didn't really matter. It was just a metaphor really, if that was what she was going for. It was a metaphor for the burning in her heart, the one she was convinced was slowly withering away to just being a useless organ in her body like her appendix. It was a metaphor for her inability to make good choices. This she chuckled at as she kicked through the dirty snow on the ground as she made her way down the block. It was a metaphor, or maybe it was a catalyst._

_It didn't really matter what it was, because she was already at a standstill by the time she started going off on tangents in her head. She lifted her head, letting her eyes slowly gain focus on her prize. The window was open, the winter air moving the drapes that hung in the dimly lit room. It was as though she was expected to be there right then. Regardless if there was someone, that .5, waiting for her, expecting her because she was going in no matter what._

_She would like to say that it was the 80 proof alcohol coursing through her veins that made her hands shake as she reached out to grab the tree branch. That it was the fact that she was too tiny to take in that kind of alcohol and that's why her stomach was flip flopping all over the place. And that it was the blistering cold that was making her knees shake against each other like crazy. But it was really none of those things._

_Brittany wasn't surprised when she heard rustling just outside her window and even less than shocked to find Santana, the noise culprit, climbing through her bedroom window. She expected this, she knew it was coming but, it still didn't make it easy._

_The blonde watched the usually agile girl stumble a little when she brought her feet to the floor of her bedroom. Brittany swallowed the small lump in her throat and shifted on the spot on her bed she had been sitting on, facing the window. _

_She knew before Santana looked up at her, before she saw her climbing through her window and even before she heard the leaves and snow crunching outside. Her friend had been drinking. Santana's eyes were blood shot, probably from the drinking and the cold air stinging them._

_Santana stood there, hopelessly looking for solace in the only place she had ever found it, Brittany. The blonde slowly stood up but not taking any steps forward. They stared at each other for a while until finally Santana took a few steps away from the window and in Brittany's direction._

"_Santana." Brittany whispered, shaking her head and looking down at the spot that Santana's feet stood. "I can't… I'm with Artie."_

_Santana stopped in her tracks and averted her eyes before dropping her head looking to the floor dejectedly. She swallowed, unwillingly nodding her head._

"_I know." She breathed out sadly before looking back up with a sad hopefulness._

_Brittany took a step forward and Santana followed suite, eventually closing the distance between them, grabbing Brittany's hand her other hand wrapping around her waist. Brittany gripped Santana's hand, letting her free hand come up to rest on the smaller girls shoulder. _

_They stood there staring, until Brittany leaned her chin onto Santana's other shoulder and Santana rested her head against Brittany's. After a while of standing still, Brittany started swaying and they shuffled from side to side in place. Brittany hummed out a small smile into Santana's neck._

"_We always did dance well together." She said in a thoughtful tone and Santana nodded clutching the blonde tighter._

"_Yeah." Santana breathed out in agreement, the sadness in her tone painfully obvious._

"_But, that's the problem." Brittany sighed and Santana could feel her smile fade away. "We dance __**around **__everything." She explained._

_Santana wanted to say something insightful, something meaningful, something that would fix it all but all she could manage was, "yeah", and they just stayed like that for a few moments. Maybe Santana didn't say anything because she was hoping that she didn't have to. That maybe Brittany would just know what she felt, what she thought and then everything else too on top of that. But this was reality and mind reading didn't exist. So instead, she stayed silent and just accepted that moment for what it was._

_Brittany had hoped that maybe Santana would say something insightful, something meaningful, something to fix all of this but she didn't. All she said was "yeah" and then just clung to Brittany a little tighter. The blonde couldn't think of anything to say to that. In a way, she was glad to hear that Santana could acknowledge the fact that there was 'something' they danced around. But it tore her up that she was unwilling to stop dancing around it and just let them give it up, take a seat and let other people dance. But maybe that was what needed to be done. Maybe it was for the best._

_She felt Santana's grip loosen and soon the Latina's hands were away from her own and off of her body, no longer holding onto her like she needed her. Not like their bodies that close gave her life, much like Brittany believed it did to her own. She watched as Santana cowered backwards to the window, her eyes fixed to the ground, or maybe Brittany's bare feet or maybe she wasn't really looking at anything in particular. She watched her reach behind her for the windowsill and slowly began to turn around to exit the one place she had always deemed her safe place._

"_Santana," Brittany called out reaching out her hand and taking one step toward the fleeing girl. Santana stopped, midway out the window and finally looked to Brittany, her eyes completely overcome with despair and something else Brittany couldn't peg. But if she had to guess, it kind of looked like she could see Santana's heart breaking from her eyes. "You're still my best friend." She told her and she knew that when it came out of her mouth it sounded dumb. _

_It was one of those things that people said instead of apologizing and was something that was never followed through with. But she meant it when she said it. Even though when she said it she could see that flicker in Santana's eyes that told her that __**that**__ hurt even more._

_She didn't say anything in return. She couldn't even if she wanted to. Santana didn't know if it was the alcohol in her stomach wanting to make a second appearance that night or if it was the sudden loss she had just gone through. This loss didn't seem to compare to anything else really. Not even the loss she had experienced that sweaty summer when she was twelve. So she stayed quiet and turned around letting herself climb down the tree and make her way to the side walk to head back to her house._

_Santana tried to be able to look forward to the prospect of them being able to remain as close as they had been over the years. But in all honesty that seemed like a farfetched idea. Dumb actually, if she really had to put a word on it. Because she knew, things were different now, __**they**__ were different. They had always been Santana __**and**__ Brittany, one and the same. Obviously in theory, they'd still be friends, best friends. They would say the words when they counted, but the next day at school, instead of hanging on her pinky Brittany would be hanging on the arm of Artie Abrams._

_Before she even reached the sidewalk Santana turned around, shoving her hands in her pockets and realizing that the vodka wasn't as in her system as she had wished it was initially. Her eyes didn't need to focus; they landed right on their target. Brittany was standing by the window and she was looking right back at Santana. They both stood there, still, not blinking, neither one even breathing. It felt like an eternity that night standing on the front lawn of the Pierce's when, in reality, it was probably three seconds. Brittany's arm reached up vanishing behind the tan colors of the Pierce's siding on their house and the room went black, leaving Santana to stand alone on the front lawn._

* * *

"Looking back I wish I could redo that moment. Redo the choice I had made, staying with Artie over finally being with Santana." Brittany muses as she plays with a lock of Quinn's hair whose head was in her lap. She snorts lightly and shakes her head at the words that had just come out of her mouth. "But honestly, it was never about that. It was never me choosing Artie over Santana, I never made that choice. Maybe it sounds stupid because I was with him and yeah we dated for a while, but in a way I was still choosing her." Brittany says and her voice is soft and innocent. "I thought that if I distanced myself, maybe made myself unattainable that she would see, that she would know." She shrugs her shoulders and watches as Quinn adjusts her head in her lap to a different position. "It was weird because I kind of half expected her to stop talking to me, avoid me and she did for a little while. But I think that after a little bit it got to her."

"What?" Quinn asks nestling her hand between her cheek and Brittany's leg.

"Being alone." Brittany replies sadly. "We'd always had this intense friendship, but it was so much more than friendship and I don't think that at the time she realized that it scared me as much as it scared her." The blonde tells her, leaning her head back against the sofa. "I mean, growing up in Lima being a teenage girl, falling in love with your best friend who is also a girl isn't really something anyone prepares you for." She explains further and she can feel Quinn nod. "I thought that if we at least acknowledged it and spoke about it then it would be less confusing and less painful."

"So then why do it? Why stay with Artie?" Quinn asks her, her voice scratchy from lack of use. Brittany stops her hand in her friend's hair, carefully thinking of her answer to the question.

"Like I said, at first it was to make Santana jealous, and it did." Brittany replies shortly after the questions asked. "But she didn't do anything about it, to me I mean. Yeah she got Artie to break up with me the first time but it was like, for what? You know?" She shakes her head taking in a steady breath. "But then after a while I just couldn't stand being around someone who wanted me but couldn't do anything about it… who wouldn't do anything about it."

"You knew she wanted you." It wasn't a question it was just something to point out. "I think at some point everyone kind of thought that."

"Artie, he wanted me. He put himself out there. I just wanted to feel it, see it, I needed it." Brittany sighs out. "It really…" She pauses for a brief moment, gathering her strength and keeping the emotion from coming out in her voice because she promised herself she wouldn't cry, yet. "It really breaks your heart to see the person you love fall into a million pieces. You see the cracks, like, the shallow ones that just let you know their slightly damaged but you figure its fine and they will be okay. You know, 'time heals all wounds'." She chuckles bitterly at the dumb quote. "But, in Santana's case anyway, time made more wounds, made her hurt more and seeing it from the outside crushed me." She brings her hand to her eye prepared to catch the stray tear she feels ready to pour over. "Waiting was all I could do though. I couldn't force it, demand it or beg for it. But I knew that me not being there was making things worse, for both of us. I saw her disintegrating and trying desperately to maintain those walls she had up that were slowly starting to crumble. I mean, what kind of a person would I be if I let the one person I loved and the person who loved me in return fall apart like that, all alone?" She asks to the open air, not really needing or wanting a response.

"You know she told me, a while back I don't really remember when exactly, that she can't think of a time that she didn't love you in one way or another." Quinn breaks the silence that had fallen over them. She turns over, letting the back of her head move into Brittany's stomach and looks up at her friend. "She never blamed you for anything B, I mean maybe she said some words that made you think that, and maybe she made you feel like that but really, she never looks at you like she blames you for anything." Quinn explains looking deeply into Brittany's eyes so that she believes the words she is speaking. "When she looks at you, it's like, the world has stopped moving and you both are at this standstill and all she can see is you. And in her eyes it's all warm." Brittany smiles kindly and thankfully back at Quinn nodding her head every so often as the seconds tick by. "She told me you are her hero." Brittany thinks about that statement and she can't help but grin and let out a small chuckle. "What?"

"That's just funny." Brittany half rolls her eyes at the humor in it.

"Why?" Quinn furrows her eyebrows.

"Because she's mine."

* * *

_Her Cheerio jacket barely covered her shoulders as she stepped out into yet another blistering cold winter Lima night. She didn't slow her motions as she descended the cement steps of the stoop that were covered with slush from a poor shoveling job. Her regulation trainers sloshed in the puddles soaking up her untied shoelaces that were whipping around against leather and her bare ankles with every step she took._

_Her arms hung at her sides, not even moving as she walked or coming up to adjust her almost slipping jacket. She could feel her hair messed u from the night's activities blowing against her skin in the chilly air. She was so thankful for the darkness that the night provides, making it easy to conceal or at least mask her outsides. Even in the dim streetlight her appearance would not allow anyone to detect anything. Being able to keep at least some of herself presentable made it easier to hide the ugliness she had buried inside, no one would know._

_They would merely assume her hair, which was normally perfectly in place thanks to the standard Cheerio pony she sported every day, was messed up from the crazy wind. They wouldn't suspect that it was actually out of place because for a good hour she had her face pushed into a bean bag chair. They wouldn't question her shoelaces undone because they would assume that they'd simply come untied and her fingers were numb from it being freezing out. Nobody would ask her why she was walking the streets in the middle of winter in just her Cheerio's uniform and her poor excuse for a jacket because she's a badass. And badasses don't get affected by anything, not even the weather._

_When she reached a familiar street corner she came to a stop, finally realizing how cold it actually was. She fixed her jacket and wrapped her arms around herself trying to calm her chattering teeth by clenching her jaw. Santana looked straight ahead, her house almost within sight then she turns her head to the right. She bites on her lower lip taking in a deep breath and holding it in as she thinks. Brittany's house is to the right._

_The blonde had asked her to hangout after school but, she blew her off. She didn't even know why really. She missed her friend. Ever since Brittany started dating Artie, for the second time, they hadn't really hung out. But if one were to dissect the whole situation, Artie wasn't the reason they didn't hang out much. It was Santana's fault. Brittany looked happy with him and that pissed Santana off. But not because her friend was happy, no, of course not. It was because it wasn't her making Brittany happy. In the end though, Santana would think, it's better this way because she couldn't make the blonde happy. _

_How could she? Brittany deserved all of those wonderful things that relationships had to offer. These were things Santana believed she herself could not provide her best friend with. She knew that is what Brittany wanted, the stability that being in a relationship gives someone. And maybe Artie wasn't ideal but he had more to offer, so it was better than nothing. _

_Nothing was something Santana had a lot of but who wants nothing?_

"_You didn't come here for nothing." The jock had said to her when she tried her hand at playing coy. She had wanted to tell him that 'nothing' was exactly what she had gone there for. The very feeling that nothingness had always provided her with. A moment, minutes of complete darkness, a mist that would knock her into a haze of numbness. She'd wanted to tell him to give her all of that 'nothing' that he could so she wouldn't have to come back for more. _

_But she knew that was false hope so instead she smirked at him and cocked an eyebrow slowly removing her jacket. He sipped from his beer bottle as she sauntered over to him, trying her best to play the role she had been cast in. Once she got close enough he removed the bottle from his lips and she leaned up t kiss him but he swiftly placed a hand on her shoulder, pushing her down. His eyes commanded her to get on her knees, he didn't have to say the words she knew how it went so she complied not really wanted to get slapped like the last time._

_Santana shook her head back to the present moment when she realized that she was not standing at the corner anymore. Her body had made a decision with even consulting her brain. She was two houses away from Brittany's and she knew she had to fix herself up at least a little. She looked down smoothing out her uniform and then corrected her ponytail._

_She was not too worried right then about her makeup because she could blame it on the cold and besides Brittany's seen her look worse. She laughed inwardly at the thought. Brittany had seen her look worse than what she did at that moment, but she'd never seen her look like that._

_Brittany's bedroom light was on and it made her feel a little warmer then she had since before the night began. She stood there on the Pierce's lawn that was still pretty much covered in snow and she just stared up at the window._

_She thought about what her friend was doing, if she was thinking about where Santana had run off to and if it was really that important to not hangout with her. It was always in the moments after that Santana wished she had made a different decision, the better decision._

"_Santana?"_

_The teenager was startled at the sound of her name and whipped her head to the direction of the porch where it had come from to find Mrs. Pierce standing in a sweater under a light. The older woman shuffled a bit further to the steps, wrapping her arms around herself and squinting her eyes._

"_Santana, is that you sweetie?" She spoke again and Santana realized she hadn't moved or responded._

"_Uh, yeah. Sorry Mrs. P." She apologized._

"_What are you doing out here? Is everything okay?" For a moment Santana worried that the woman could see how disheveled she was. How stringy her hair looked, that her makeup was running a little under her eyes and that she had her bra stuffed in the pocket of her Cheerio's jacket. But then Mrs. Pierce tilted her head to the side, the way Brittany often did when she was confused or worried._

_She wanted to say 'no', that she was not okay. Nothing was okay. That she had just left some meathead's house and that the only reason she was standing outside of her house was because she desperately needed her daughter to somehow comfort her. That she was angry about so many things and that the cold wasn't really helping the situation at all._

"_Yeah," She decided on, the truth could wait because not only was she not ready for it but she was sure that telling someone like Mrs. Pierce would only provide her with pity and not many answers, though she was certain there were no answers for her life thus far. "I just came to see Britt." She told her and it wasn't a lie, not really anyway, so she felt comfort in that part._

"_Oh, she's not here. She went out with Artie." Mrs. Pierce said sadly, clearly only feeling bad that her daughter's friend came to see her and she was not at home. Santana looked back up to the window of the illuminated room dejectedly._

"_Oh." It came out sounding a lot more disappointing than she had intended. "Okay." She added but her body was still not moving. "Just… tell her I stopped by then. She looked back in the direction of Mrs. Pierce but not at her and uncomfortably fidgeted in her spot, hesitating for a moment before turning around._

"_Santana," The older woman called out once again and the Latina could hear the wood from the porch creak a bit. "I was just making myself some hot cocoa, would you like some?" She asked the young girl and Santana could tell she was smiling. "Come in for a bit and warm up a little." Santana agreed because she didn't want to go home. So she slowly walked up to the porch of the Pierce residence and Mrs. Pierce put a motherly arm around her as though to shield her from the cold. _

_She led her into the den where the fire place was burning and sat her right in front of it. Excusing herself, she left to go tend to the kitchen where the hot cocoa was simmering. Santana sat there in Mr. Pierce's arm chair staring into the fire in front of her. Her skin was so cold that the heat coming from the flames almost hurt her and she wondered if it would even hurt if she touched it. But her body was too tired to even move to test out that hypothesis._

* * *

"I was at Artie's house watching one of those stupid sci-fi movies he loved and my phone went off in my hand." Brittany leans back into the couch flipping the tab of her soda can back and forth. "I was so grateful for the interruption I immediately jumped from my seat and excused myself. It was a text message from my mom." She looks up from the soda can to Quinn who is resting her cheek in her hand, the side of her body fully engulfed in the couch and covered in Santana and Brittany comforter. Brittany smiles to herself at the sight letting her gaze fall back to the can. "She told me that Santana was at the house and that I should come quickly because something was wrong with her."

"Did you go?" Quinn asks, her face moving along the palm of her hand as she speaks. Brittany nods, her fingers finally removing the metal tab and throws it onto the coffee table to her right.

"I couldn't be that person that just walks away," She shrugs. "That's just not who I am. All that was running through my head was that time in the shower and how small she looked and that I didn't want my mother to see that because I knew Santana wouldn't want anyone else to see her like that. Just because I was with Artie didn't mean I wasn't going to be there for her, you know?"

* * *

_Brittany was at Artie's house when she got the text message, biting her lower lip as she read it over and over again while pacing the tiled floor of the Abram's kitchen. She decided on a white lie._

"_My mom wants me to come home." It wasn't really a white lie, her mom had told her to come home and quickly so it worked. Artie didn't fight it and she kissed him on the cheek before beginning the walk of a few blocks towards her home._

_By the time she got there, there was no sign of Santana. Her mother greeted her as she stood in the living room looking around in confusion to tell her daughter that Santana had gone up to Brittany's room. Slowly she turned back around to leave the room and head towards the staircase that would bring her up to her room. At the last second she looked over her shoulder where her mother was still standing and Mrs. Pierce gave her a small, encouraging smile and a nod._

"_Goodnight honey." The older woman said softly before walking further into the room her daughter had just left._

_Brittany took her time walking up the stairs, mentally preparing herself for what she was going to find when she walked into her bedroom. Santana's behavior over past few months had been random and erratic to the point where freshman would cringe at the sound of her name in the hallways at school. So for all the blonde knew she could be potentially walking into a disaster area where her room once stood._

_Carefully, slowly and as quietly as possible Brittany pushed her bedroom door open and poked her head through. It was pretty dark inside, the main lights in the ceiling were turned off but the lamp at her desk by her window was on and she could faintly see the outline of someone in her bed. She sighed and ventured in further, closing the door behind her until she heard the click. With her coat off and tossed to the side she moved closer to the bed where the figure lay still and curled up tightly against itself._

_Santana was fast asleep, her Cheerio trainers neatly placed on the floor by the side of the bed she was on and her jacket pulled over her body instead of a blanket. The blonde took a seat at the edge of the bed and brought her hand up to remove the jacket tossing it to the floor where her own was. She wanted to wake the other girl up maybe she'd talk but even if she didn't at least she could change her into something more comfortable to sleep in. _

_But she didn't, she couldn't wake her up. Santana was sound asleep and it pained her to have to wake her up. Even from the dim light from the lamp on her desk across the room she could see the exhaustion under her best friend's eyes. Her cheeks were red and puffy but not from crying, it looked like she had been out playing in the snow all day but Brittany figured it was most likely from walking the cold Lima streets as she so often did._

_So instead of waking Santana up Brittany kicked off her shoes, shut the lamp off and walked around to the other side of the bed lifting up the comforter and placing it over the Latina. She would settle for using the throw blanket hanging on her computer chair for a night, that was okay. Her body shuffled closer towards Santana's and she leaned in slowly placing her lips to the dark haired girl's forehead._

"_Goodnight Santana." Brittany whispered into the dark._

* * *

"When I woke up she was gone." Brittany sighs and her head shakes like she still can't believe that night. "And when I saw her in school the next day she acted as though nothing had happened. I didn't know anything, she wouldn't tell me even when I asked."

She gets up from her spot on the couch to make her way to the kitchen, opens the refrigerator and retrieves some grapes for her and her friend to share. When she returns she offers some to Quinn who shakes her head and scrunches her nose declining the fruit. Brittany shrugs pulling the bowl closer to herself and pops a grape in her mouth.

"Thinking back on everything I can't imagine her thought process." Brittany begins again after swallowing a few grapes. "The past she had up until then, junior year, then going through the whole sexuality thing…" She shakes her head tossing more fruit into her mouth and chewing slowly. "It all tore her up real bad."

"So when you and Artie broke up," Quinn chimes in catching her friends attention. "Is that when you guys got together? I mean, you obviously did sometime between the end of that year and the beginning of senior year because, well you _were_ dating in senior year." The blonde points out getting a small chuckle from Brittany.

"I'm _getting _there."

* * *

_It was raining that day. One of those rainy days that make people want to stay in, rent movies and order in. It was also one of those days that Brittany's parents were going to be away into the morning for one of her father's business trips. The Pierce's, just like every other time they were away, set up Brittany's little sister to stay at Mrs. Pierce's sisters which was only about fifteen minutes out of Lima. They were comfortable with leaving Brittany to take care of herself, that or she would stay over at the Lopez's._

_That night however, was going to be the first night they were leaving their daughter home during a thunderstorm. The thing about Brittany was that she hated thunderstorms. They scared her more than horror movies scared her so that was saying a lot because Brittany __**hated**__ scary movies. But Brittany, not being one to keep people from having a good time assured her parents that she would be fine regardless if she would be just fine._

_Ever since the end of the school year which had seemingly put their relationship in limbo, Santana had instantly agreed to come over to keep her friend's nerves down about the storm plus, this would give them some time alone which they hadn't had in a little while. She hoped that this time would help ease the unnecessary pressure to having to define them or maybe would give them the time to define them. Things between them since school ended remained slightly unspoken. _

_It would be ridiculous to believe that things could fall back into the way that they had been but both girls' were hoping for a positive outcome on that front. On the drive to Brittany's, Santana's mind wandered. She found herself wanting to see Brittany and kind of excited for what might happen especially since the last poignant thing the blonde had said to her left so many things up in the air. So the thought of them even being alone together made her nervous and anxious and things she never felt before._

_They had only hung out alone a handful of time since summer officially started and everything between them felt so hesitant and new and different and kind of scary. Sometimes she didn't understand why there was hesitation when it came to the pace of her and Brittany. Both girls knew of each other's sexual history well, for the most part. But, Brittany didn't rush her, push her or make her go further and not because she tried but there was another reason. Santana wouldn't know that reason until years later but there was another reason Brittany took her time and let Santana take hers._

"_Okay so you girl's are going to be alright alone?" Mrs. Lopez broke Santana's concentration as she parked her car in the Pierce's driveway. Santana turned from the window sighing and rolled her eyes._

"_Yes Mom, we'll be fine." Santana nodded reaching into the backseat to grab her bag filled with clothes. "It's just rain." She pointed to the window towards the outside to prove her point and just then a big roar of thunder came through. Mrs. Lopez smirked and Santana's lips twisted._

"_You better get inside before she starts putting all of the pots and pans in the basement again." Mrs. Lopez told her daughter motioning to the house._

"_Yeah." Santana drawled out slowly, clutching her bag tight to her chest. "See you tomorrow." She leaned over placing a kiss on her mother's cheek before pushing the door open and sprinting to the front door of Brittany's house._

* * *

"It rained and rained and there was lightning and thunder." She shudders at the memory and how much she hates thunderstorms. "But I felt safe with her there with me. She took me to the hallway and set up a sleeping bag she'd brought over, a few flashlights and her iPod and we had like a campout in the hallway for a little while." Quinn grins at how the other blonde recalls the most memorable moments she's shared with her girlfriend, it's sweet. "It finally calmed down a bit and she went down the hallway to check, turned into the living room to look out the window. When I couldn't see her anymore I… I just, I got up because I needed to be near her." She sticks her chin in her hands, elbows resting against her knees and she watches Quinn play with her drink. "I was afraid that when it stopped raining she would leave and go home because she would think I didn't need her anymore. So when I found her standing in the dark in the living room I reached out and grabbed her hand." She smiles and sighs softly through her nose wishing that hand was right here now so she could hold it. "She initially jumped at the contact, I think I scared her a little bit. But… then she slowly turned around and it was like… everything melted away between us."

* * *

_They stood there, the silence and stillness that had taken them over, slowly dripping away. Suddenly all of the unspoken was spoken, yet still without the actual words but it didn't diminish the volume. While they both allowed their walls to come down, the veils to be lifted, they stood there completely bare of everything they had been protecting themselves with and from._

_The bubble around their separate bodies that held them captive to block out the truth they were too scared to admit. The thick skin they'd both grown to deflect feelings said in whispers in empty rooms, which without before now would tear through them ripping them apart._

_But those pieces of armor didn't matter; to be honest they just didn't really work any longer, if they ever truly did to begin with. The bubble was defective by default because there was only room for one and they came as a pair. The thick skin was useless because they still felt everything. Every little word, thought, every look, every accidental brush of a finger here and lips ghosting lips there was too painstakingly real to ignore or deflect or disregard. And even harder to forget completely._

_Blue eyes stripped her down until she was emotionally naked. They probed her dark brown eyes, immediately finding everything she had always known to be there. They reprimanded her for running away, scolding her for leaving and shown with hurt for the lying. They told her everything was okay, that no matter what, it doesn't matter. None of it really mattered because those blue eyes would always be there._

_When the sadness and hurt subsided they turned a brighter blue and they said 'I love you'. _

"_Nothing matters without you Santana." Brittany said finally and she swiped Santana's bangs from her forehead. "You're my best friend." She softly told her and Santana could feel her heart dropping and she hung her head. "Hey," Brittany caught her head, bringing her fingers to the smaller girls chin, lifting her face back up to her own. "What?" She whispered out, her voice cracked with nervousness but was backed up with a smile but Santana shrugged her shoulders nonetheless._

"_Is that all I am?" Santana finally spoke, her voice scratchy from not using it. "Your best friend. Is that all I am to you?" Her sad eyes as wide as saucers desperately pleaded with Brittany for a quick answer. Whether it was painless or not she needed it to be quick, like ripping off a band-aide. _

_Brittany's face softened, her eyes looked cautiously yet gently into Santana's. Her fingers never leaving the shorter girls chin, lifting her thumb to brush up against the skin within its reach. Her gaze flickered from brown eyes, to lips, to eyes, to lips until falling back to eyes again. She licked her own lips and slowly began to lean in, their eyes locked. Just as Brittany was about to make contact Santana pulled back, enough for a few inches of space._

"_Don't… don't do it if you don't mean it." The Latina told her, the words barely coming out. Brittany looked deeply into both of her eyes and with her empty hand reached out for one of Santana's._

"_Every single one." Brittany breathed out, giving Santana a moment to process, a moment to breath, just a moment. "Every single kiss I have ever given to you, every kiss you have ever given me, every single time… I meant it." She explained further, giving Santana the chance to take it and hold on to it and keep it. "And I think, well, if it's even possible… I think this time I mean it more than I ever have." She made sure to leave some silence between them just in case Santana wanted to stop her, step back end this all over again before it even went anywhere. But she knew, they both knew she wasn't going to move away again or turn her head at the last second. She was not going to stop her._

_Brittany nodded slowly, maybe twice or three times before she began to lean in again, tilting Santana's face towards hers. Their lips ghosted over each other's briefly before the blonde firmly pressed them together. When she pulled back she spotted a lone tear trickle down Santana's cheek with her eyes tightly shut._

_She took her fingers from Santana's chin and cupped her cheek, letting her thumb brush away the tear. Santana slowly opened her eyes finding those blue ones looking back at her. The ones with speckles of glitter and sparkles and she was quite certain that she caught the scent of Freesia body splash. She stared at Brittany in awe and disbelief, slightly shaking her head, her lips parted letting puffs of air in and out._

"_You're an angel." She whispered onto Brittany's lips her voice cracked as she said, "you're my angel." And then she closed the gap between them once again._

* * *

"We kissed for a little while longer in the living room in the dark. Simple soft kisses like we were memorizing each other all over again."

"That's sweet." Quinn says softly and Brittany looks up at her smiling from ear to ear.

"Yeah." She whispers. "Obviously she wasn't going to go home after we had finally figured things out and we managed to make our way up to my bedroom." Quinn quirks an eyebrow suggestively getting a laugh from her friend. "No Q, we didn't have sex. It wasn't about that at all." She shakes her head and shrugs her shoulders for what feels like the millionth time. "We went and laid down in my bed and stared at each other for the longest time."

* * *

_The notion of forever infinity was a childhood fantasy. She explored the possibility of forever and infinity being on an equal playing field. No one said 'I love you forever infinity', they just don't. But hearing it come out of Brittany's mouth, it made all the sense in the world, it just was._

_The nature of the blonde's love was clear. There were no little bits of grey when it came to her heart and Santana because, to her, the two went together. Like milk and cookies, red, white and blue, and peanut butter and jelly. The nature of the blonde's love was pure, uncontaminated, not judged, no if ands or buts. She loved Santana forever infinity._

_Being practical, Santana grinned at her and half nodded. She knew that this kind of declaration was usually followed with a reply of the same connotation. But as her heart swelled, her shoulders relaxed and she let out a sigh of relief and she squeezed Brittany's hand in her own and whispered 'thank you'. Being the practical one, Santana knew what saying the words back would mean, what they would do, what they would change and how they would feel. Being practical, Santana didn't want to say the words back because she knew she wasn't good enough for the blonde to even think, let alone say them back. _

_The fear instilled in her was what held those words back. The fear is what kept her from saying anything remotely close to what Brittany had said to her, but she knew that what she had said, 'thank you' was true and she meant it with every fiber of her being. She just hoped it was a good enough response, it was all she could give._

_So she wasn't surprised when Brittany smiled back at her proudly and squeezed her hand in return. Santana liked that about her best friend. Brittany had no expectations she just gave and never required anything in return. And with Brittany, Santana expected nothing else, nothing less. At times it made her feel selfish, letting her friend give her all of this, so much and not being able to give anything back to her._

_Brittany didn't expect her to repeat her. Even if she did, she didn't let it show. She made it obvious that she was glad it was accepted even if deep down she'd wished to know that the feeling was reciprocated._

* * *

**_one last A/N: so obviously we all know that when Holly came to town the second time Santana declared her love for Brittany, but for the sake of this story i decided that she didn't say those words and rather kind of 'danced' around them in a round about sort of way. she does in here say she wants to be with Britt so that much i stayed true to. it's only that when i started this story i kind of had everything already planned out and then St. Holiday came to the screen and made things happen. So as much as i wanted everything to be equal to the actual show i couldn't. But i hope you're enjoying anyway.:) (whew sorry about that and i hope i made sense)_**


	11. The Tracks of My Tears

**_hey guys, i think this is the longest chapter so far. i must warn you, it's pretty intense. but this is one of the moments we've all been waiting for and i seriously hope you enjoy it._**

* * *

**The Tracks of My Tears**

_Santana sat on the couch legs crossed, one arm across her stomach while her other rested on the arm her fingers picking at the fabric there. The room was silent for the most part except for the fish tank that was making a bubbling sound over by the window and of course the distinct sound of three different sets of breathing patterns. Her eyes were trained on or around her own foot that she bounced out of habit more than anything else._

_Brittany, who had her head positioned forward turned it only slightly to her left letting herself glance over in her girlfriend's direction. It was one of those times where Santana had been asked a question and clearly did not want to answer it. That happened about once or twice every other week so it was really nothing new or something to be surprised by but it still tugged at the blonde's heart regardless._

_The sound of a pen clicking and then being settled onto a note pad brought Brittany's attention away from the girl beside her and instead to the direction of the woman with red glasses sitting on the tip of her nose. The woman, Santana's therapist, offered the blonde girl a small smile of encouragement and patience. _

_It was more often than not that when the topic of nightmares and the last few times that Santana had been sexually assaulted the young Latina would go mute and detach herself from the moment. It had been hard enough to tell Brittany, to even think about it in her own mind, tell Miss Pillsbury and then the several therapists she'd had since. It never got easier, probably because the stories never changed._

"_Have you had any nightmares __**this**__ week?" Dr. Hinton asked, rephrasing her earlier question of whether Santana had been having nightmares in general. Santana looked over from the spot on the couch she had been playing with between her fingers and turned her head to the blonde by her side and reached over, removing her arm from her stomach and took Brittany's hand in her own._

"_Not this week." She forced a proud smile onto her face. It wasn't reassuring that that week she had been nightmare free, it was just one week. She was lucky._

"_Santana." Brittany spoke softly squeezing her girlfriend's hand. The doctor looked between the girls and made a note when she saw Santana nod with a sigh._

"_I haven't had nightmares this week but… the other night I… I couldn't sleep and I must have…" She paused, shaking her head, her mouth opening and closing._

"_Miss Pierce?" Dr. Hinton turned her attention to Brittany who frowned._

"_I found her on the roof of our apartment building." Brittany's voice was strained._

* * *

"After that night at my house, during the thunderstorm I guess it was kind of unspoken that we were 'together'." Brittany sits up straight, folding her legs over each other on the couch and pulls a pillow to her chest letting her chin rest on one of the corners. "She smiled more and laughed too. It was like she wasn't on her toes ready to make a run for it like she had been for so long prior." She adds, turning her head so her cheek now lay against the cushioned piece of furniture. "Of course… we didn't tell our parents right away, for a while but it was understandable. People say they love you but you never know what they are going to say to things sometimes and Santana was afraid of that." Her eyes glance down at her phone that hasn't gone off yet, still waiting for the phone call her girlfriend had promised her. "So we decided that the summer would be our time to grow and become that couple that we were always meant to be." She smiles softly, remembering the summer nights they had shared together that particular year and since.

"I remember that was the summer that Santana and I became friends again." Quinn adds, her voice small and her eyes focused on her hands that twist the gold ring on her middle finger. She grins, sniffles and uses the back of her hand to wipe some tears and she shakes her head. "I always wondered what it was that got into her, I mean one day she just shows up at my house and then…" She shrugs, obviously realizing she doesn't need to go into details because she knows Brittany is well aware of the events but after a few moments Brittany speaks up.

"We had just gotten home from the carnival and my mom had been waiting up for me." Her eyes sparkle as she looks off somewhere in the room as though the memory of the night were playing before her. "I think she knew that we had gone out on a date but still, she played it cool." She chuckles and glances over at Quinn whose attention is fully on her. "She was watching one of those crime shows or something and," Her gaze drops, her smile fades and she takes a deep breath. Brittany rolls her eyes. "We were still kind of in our own world but we joined my mom on the couch as she finished up the last bit of the movie, tissues on the ground, the sofa and all over the coffee table." Quinn giggles, nodding her head, she's been there once or twice when it came to a Lifetime movie. "It was one of the last scenes and… I'll never forget this because Santana had repeated it to me later on."

* * *

_The woman in the suit, the counselor the other woman had been seeing sat across from her. She was old, a lot older than the victim and she held a large leather bound book in her hand, pen in the other. The room, office, was so quiet it almost sounded as though the reels of the camera could be heard from the television._

_The counselor sighed, closed her book and placed her pen on the table beside her chair. The book lay flat on her lap and she leaned forward towards the woman. She brought her hands together, softly not like a clap and laced her fingers together._

"_Before you can do anything else," She began to speak. "You have got to stop punishing yourself, you've got to stop pushing those who care about you away and more importantly stop pulling yourself away." Brittany remembers feeling Santana's body stiffen during the scene, her eyes transfixed on the woman speaking. _

_There were other words going on but Brittany quickly lost interest when Santana pulled on her hand to leave the room._

_A few days later Santana found herself walking down a familiar street. Sure, she'd walked on that particular street several times, sometimes she just liked the detour that made it longer to get to her house form Brittany's. But being on it that day she had reasoned that it was for other particular reasons, mainly one._

_She wondered if it was that easy, apologies that is. Growing up adults always said 'now say you're sorry', like it made everything better again. And she hoped that perhaps, this certain time that it was true. So, with a deep breath she made her way up the steps of a house she used to know as well as her own._

_Mr. Fabray had long since left, his daughter's 'baby' situation proving to be too much for him. Well, that and he got caught cheating red handed… literally. Mrs. Fabray had walked in on him and his mistress one day when she was bringing him his lunch. She knew that Quinn and her mother went through hard times but that the woman was there for her daughter in the end. It made her think a lot about her own mother and wonder what it would take for Mrs. Lopez to pull a Judy Fabray and leave her daughter stranded. _

_Her mind stopped going down that path when she heard the doorbell ring and realized she had pressed it herself. There were voices on the other side of the door, then the sound of the knob being turned, the door creaking open and then the face of a girl that was once upon a time close to being her sister._

"_Santana?" Quinn said half surprised and half concerned. Her eyes shifted from the Latina to her front yard as though wondering if this was all a part of some ploy to get under her skin for Santana's amusement._

"_Hey." Santana greeted, bouncing nervously from the balls of her feet to her heels._

"_Umm, hey." The blonde's eyebrows knit together and she leaned against the door frame._

"_Look," Santana decided that it was better to do this quick, regardless if she stumbled over her words or if they didn't come out the way she had practiced on the way there. "I don't really know what to say here." She tore her eyes from the blonde, looking down at her hands that have found their way in front of her body twisting the bottom of her shirt. "I," She glanced back up to meet curious hazel eyes. "I don't really remember or know why we're not friends anymore." Santana admitted, shaking her head from side to side and sighing out in frustration, Quinn simply continued to watch and wait for more. "We used to be close." The blonde nodded her head, letting her guard down by uncrossing her arms slightly. "And then…" The shorter girl looked to the side, waved her hand out dismissively. "Shit, life or whatever got in the way."_

"_You left me when I needed you the most." Quinn finally jumped in, but she wasn't angry or mad or yelling. It was clear to the Latina that their recent past, their split still bothered the girl which left her hopeful. Guiltily Santana dropped her head, nodding in agreement. "I never would have done that to you Santana." The blonde explained, bringing her arms tighter around her body once again when she started feeling a little too vulnerable. Santana slowly lifted her head, nervously licked her lips and looked Quinn right in the eye._

"_I know." It wasn't defensive and the tone in which she spoke it wasn't her agreeing just to agree so that they could put it behind them. She literally agreed, it was true. Quinn would have never left her and she only now figured that out._

"_Santana," Her head titled, worry suddenly covered her features and her arms came down to her sides. "Is everything alright?" Santana cleared her throat and shifted from foot to foot. She wanted to tell the girl that nothing was alright, there was only one alright thing going on and that was Brittany. And that she wasn't sure how long she was going to be able to hold on to that without ruining it. But instead of telling Quinn that, she lied._

"_Yeah, everything is fine." Her lips twisted in thought, trying to think of the words she wanted to say and what she went there to say. "It's just… I know that one day," She looked over her shoulder, not for any reason just to avoid their staring contest and she squinted at the sun. "I may need a friend, I might need someone to be there for me and I know I've burned bridges but…"_

"_You have Brittany." Quinn stated, as fact and not in a jealous kind of vindictive way. The shorter girl nodded and swallowed hard._

"_I know I do but, I want you too." She finally admitted, turning her head back towards the blonde and shrugged. "I shouldn't have ever let you go but I was selfish and…" She trailed off at the end, there were way too many things running through her mind and she feared that if she kept going she would spill something she wasn't ready to. "Look I get it if you don't think we can be friends again, I was a pretty crappy one to you. It's just that… besides Britts," Her shoulders shrugged again and she kicked the pebbles beneath her feet. "I don't have __**anyone**__ else."_

* * *

"Our senior year was like, weeks away and we had planned a trip to go to Chicago to just do lunch and shop." Brittany begins to explain as she twirls her chopsticks around her lo mien in the box. "But of course our plans got ruined because Santana was being dragged to her aunt and uncle's because her cousin was graduating college or something." She waves the chopsticks in the air obviously not really caring about the minor detail of why her girlfriend was being made to go to a family function.

* * *

_She was sixteen and a little bit. Almost seventeen. It was the summer going into senior year and things had seemed to be getting better, so she thought or at least hoped. Well, that's what she liked to tell herself, especially at night when she was by herself. It had gotten easier to pretend. Brittany was always by her side, their summer as a couple had been going so good she wished it hadn't taken her so long to finally accept it and say it out loud. _

_She was just a little outside of Lima at her aunt and uncle's house for her cousin's graduation and just like every other time they had some sort of family function there they had to show off their ever growing backyard. The built in pool had seemed to have expanded since she was twelve, there was a hot tub in the corner and a huge stainless steel grill secured to the house._

_It seriously was like a mansion and such a difference to the town she'd grown up in, it was a nice difference. She did her best trying to avoid memories the place brought, water under the bridge and all. What were the chances that her cousin even talked to that kid any longer, he was not going to be an issue for her that day. 'No reason crying over spilled milk' she said to herself as she got changed into her bathing suit._

_She checked herself out in the full length mirror in her aunt's bathroom and realized that there was no way she was going to be able to pull of walking around in just her bikini, it revealed way too much. She chuckled dryly at the thought because normally that was her plan, to reveal everything. Leaving things to the imagination was boring and old and why not just get down to the nitty gritty. It made sense._

_Her lips twisted in thought and she hovered over her Cheerio's bag which only made her irritated, if only for a moment. She contemplated burning the bag and tossing onto Coach Sylvester's lawn but considering it had her name on it she would be found out. Even if that didn't give her away she was sure Sue had ways to get her prints or something off the bag._

_With destruction of property fading from her mind she unceremoniously pulled out a pair of shorts she had packed just in case. It sucked because it did not go with her suit but at that point she had no other options. She knew that if her mother or some other woman or girl commented on the shorts she could simply explain she had her period, that always worked well._

_It was easy for her to stay out of people's conversations, she didn't really have much to say to fifty year olds and graduating college students, they were all utterly boring in a very equal way. Even the kids that were her age bore her to tears so instead she simply entertained herself by imagining the conversations she would have been having with Brittany at the party. Making fun of the woman in polka dots because no one should ever unless they are Brittany and, she thought to herself, Berry can pull of that look but that's it. They would point out how immature college guys are and that the girl's aren't any better and that for some reason they are way too lazy to put on makeup. They would laugh at how Santana's mother always does her 'mom dance' when she drinks pina colada's and how her dad laughs at everything his older brother says even when it's totally not funny._

_And it worked for a while, having possible conversations with her girlfriend had she been there. But as the night progressed she realized how lonely she actually felt. She wondered what would have happened if she brought Brittany. Would they act like they were dating? Were they even __**really**__ dating? What __**were **__they? She felt all of this uncertainty as she watched couples pair off, adults hanging on their significant others and she glanced to the lounge chair beside her and it was so empty._

_She wished she had it in her to be one of those girls that got drunk and cried, but she wasn't. Maybe. Maybe she was. Maybe she needed to be in the right mind set to let it all come pouring out. With that thought in mind she got up from her spot, stood there for a moment watching her aunt's friend's mixing some drinks and then glanced to the 'pool house' shed deal that was still very intact but much more empty than it was in her youth._

_It appeared as though a lot of the adults were congregating around the fire pit and the liquor table was left without the usual security. With a quick move, leaving her flip flops behind not wanting something getting in the way for a quick escape, she glided around the deck of the pool, ran down the steps, swiped a bottle of something and quickly turned back around heading towards the shed._

_A perfect plan. Quick and efficient and undetected. Once inside she checked the door, which had no door knob just a rope to open and close, and she made sure she would still have the ability to get out of there when the time came. There was a window, just one, it was small but it provided her with enough light to see where she was going in the small place. She could still see the adults and if someone were coming to check on her she'd be able to hide the evidence._

_She sat on a chest that held a bunch of pool toys for her younger cousins and probably her uncle cause he was really just a big kid. Her toes pointed together and her shoulders slouched, not exactly the posture she would exude in public but she was by herself, a bottle of… vodka and a blow up dolphin staring at her._

_Untwisting the cap she took a big swig in hopes that the faster she got down the first couple of gulps the sooner that shit would work and do its job in making her a sobbing mess. Even as she swallowed she couldn't help but roll her eyes at herself and the extent she was willing to go in order to feel something, or at least express her feelings. It was so ridiculous she couldn't even wrap her head around it. But she didn't want to, she didn't want to think about it anymore and that was part of the problem._

_She must not have realized how much of the bottle she had already drank. She must have not realized that she was pretty drunk and her cognitive skills were barely there. She must not have heard the door creak open or the bare footsteps that followed. She must not have looked up in those last couple of minutes of being alone in that shed or she would have seen someone coming._

_It wasn't until there was a shadow blocking the torches on the other side of the window that she finally realized that she was not alone in there._

* * *

"Who was it?" Quinn asks, her tone is that of a small child listening to a scary story by a fire at camp only, much more frightened. Brittany shakes her head because for some reason it was still an unbelievable moment.

"Billy." She says softly and her friend's eyebrows raise and her mouth hangs open.

"Billy?" Quinn repeats her in disbelief and Brittany nods. "What the hell was he doing there?"

"Apparently hell is a small, small world." Brittany begins, her voice low and her eyes downcast to her own hands fumbling with a small piece of fabric she had picked up. And Quinn continues to look on, waiting for more to that riddle. "Billy was dating Santana's cousin. They'd met through Tony because they wound up going to the same college." She shrugs her shoulders and tosses the fabric out of her hands and watches it fall to the couch. "But… yeah. He, uh…" Her throat moves up and down, she clears it a few times and blinks hard. "He pulled the door shut, he must have seen her go in there… probably with the bottle." She explains glancing up momentarily to find Quinn looking down and watching her hands as well. "She said she thinks he was drunk because he just grabbed her by the back of the neck and started kissing her."

* * *

_Santana stumbled forward, the force from behind her pulling her that way and she smacked into something hard. When her hands came out and she heard a small bang beneath her she realized she had dropped the bottle of vodka. Her hands were flat against something, it felt like a person though and when she looked up and pulled her head back she saw his face. Her eyes widened and he grinned, thinking that she was probably excited to see him, not that he cared about that last part._

_Her eyes shut tight and she tried to push him away from her but he was strong, too strong, and a lot stronger than her. She yelled at him to get away but before she could finish one word he clamped his hand over her mouth. She tried to bite his hand but when he felt teeth he brought his other hand higher up her neck and pulled her hair, hard. A yelp escaped her throat but was muffled against his rough calloused skin._

_He looked away from her frightened eyes and nudged the vodka bottle and told her to bend over and pick it up. She shook her head, afraid of what bending down in front of a drunk college guy would have in store for her. He pulled her hair again and squeezed the other around her mouth firmly. His lips came to her ear and told her to pick it up, hissing into her ear and the air was hot, burning her._

_She swallowed hard and nodded. Slowly she began to bend down in front of him, taking in the fact that he was still shirtless probably from the day in the sun and was in basketball shorts. She tried to keep her eyes focused on his, to be ready for any sudden movements but she was definitely regretting the half of the bottle she had already ingested seeing as it made her reaction time a lot slower. As her fingers grazed the bottle she felt his hands come around the back of her head and push her face towards his crotch. It threw her off balance and her hands automatically flew up to his thighs trying to pull and push away._

* * *

"He…" Brittany can't help it, there are tears. She's not embarrassed or anything, Quinn's seen her cry many times throughout their lives but this… well, it was a little different but she didn't care just the same. "He said 'suck my dick slut, you know you want to'." She sniffles and after she wipes away some tears with the back of her hand she finds Quinn's hands grabbing her own. Quinn's eyebrow arches when Brittany chuckles, sniffles and shakes her head. "Then she said, 'I will straight up bite that shit off'." Quinn can't help it, she giggles and when she blinks away blurriness she realizes she too is crying. "No one knew they were in there. It must have been so loud outside with everyone talking and shit. They didn't hear the bottle break when Santana tried to make a run for it. They didn't hear her bang on the door because he had pulled the rope so far in she couldn't get out." She takes a deep breath and rubs the back of Quinn's hand with her thumb. "He told her, 'stop acting like you don't want it' and that 'if she doesn't take it' then he'd tell Tony about all the boys she'd been with."

"Even him?" Quinn asks, her voice shaky. "That sounds like a dumb plan."

"Yeah, but I guess when you're drunk and scared as it is anything will get you to shut up." Brittany shrugs her shoulders and shakes her head. "She asked him to stop, begged him to but… he didn't. He even picked up the top of the bottle that had broke and said if she didn't 'shut the fuck up' he would show her what 'pain is'."

* * *

_He had left hours ago. She had heard her parents calling out to her about an hour and a half ago but she couldn't get up. The corner of the shed seemed to take her over, shadow her from her mind and her thoughts and the truth in them. Her knees were tucked under her chin, her arms wrapped around her legs and she stared at the broken glass all over the floor._

_All that could go through her mind wasn't the fact that Billy, her brother's best friend, cousin's alleged boyfriend had just forced himself on her, again. She also wasn't even thinking about the fact that, just like the first time he had taken advantage of her in her bathroom at home, he hadn't used a condom. She wasn't even thinking about how unlike that first time, he didn't pull out of her. All that could go through her mind was the fact that she had just had sex with someone who wasn't Brittany._

_There were no tears as she leaned forward and grabbed a shard of glass. She didn't even flinch when she stretched her legs out in front of her and hooked her thumb under the waist band of her bathing suit bottoms and press the glass to her skin. She didn't feel sick watching, as she pushed harder, the blood come trickling down, over her finger and onto the fabric of her bathing suit. She didn't feel much of anything except guilt._

* * *

"She came back the next day but she didn't come over like she said she was going to. She told me she was too tired to move and then when I offered to come to her she said she was just going to sleep and wouldn't be very entertaining." Brittany tells her friend, resting her head against the back of the sofa. "Obviously I didn't care if we watched paint dry but, she wanted to be alone and considering how far she had come from the year before I had to respect that."

"You mean with your whole relationship and shit?" Quinn wants to make sure they are on the same page and Brittany softly says 'yes'.

"For the rest of summer… I was the one who initiated anything sexual. Or if she did it was after a party when we were drunk." Brittany bites her lower lip. "Usually it was me who was drunk. She told me later that she felt like if I was drunk when we were intimate I wouldn't be able to see her flaws or something."

"She does have this strange idea that you can see through her soul." Brittany smirks.

"That's because I can." Her eyes look down. "Most of the time."

"I think you can all of the time, even back then, you obviously knew something was wrong B." Quinn comments, bringing Brittany's eyes back up to meet hers.

"Not when it counted."

* * *

_It was a Friday meaning Noah Puckerman was having a party. It was only a week before winter break from school and the school's biggest self proclaimed badass was on a three day suspension from school and decided to have a weekend long kegger at his house. Conveniently his mother had taken his sister to his Nana's for the weekend which meant it was nonstop._

_Brittany was not keen on going because Noah Puckerman still had no sense when it came to girls, especially Santana, and had been trying ever since school started up again to get in her pants. Of course Santana turned him down due to Brittany but she was still not giving the blonde as her reason. It was bordering on taking steps backwards but Brittany was trying to give her girl the benefit of the doubt and hoped that sooner than later Santana would be comfortable with their relationship to just straight up not give a shit._

_The only thing remotely exciting about that weekend was the fact that the Lopez's were on one of their monthly vacations and instead of staying at Puckerman's where they'd literally have to kick guys in the nuts to leave them alone, they could just go back to Santana's and get their cuddle and lady kisses on. _

_The plan was for Brittany to go to Santana's where they would pregame and get some groping on before heading over to Puck's most likely lame ass party. It was drizzling on the way to Santana's and Brittany hoped upon hope that there were no thunderstorms in their immediate future._

_Parking her car in front of the Lopez house she grabbed her backpack filled with some clothes and jogged up to the house. The porch light was off, which she thought was odd because it was usually on especially at night when Santana was expecting Brittany. When she reached the top of the steps she heard a strange noise from the right of the porch and looked over to investigate. She squinted her eyes and took a tentative step forward._

"_Santana?" She whispered into the darkness, leaning forward trying to make out the tiny figure in the corner by the porch swing. "Santana is that you?" She asks a little bit louder and then she hears a clang, sounded like glass against wood, followed by a stumble or two and a grunt of some sort. "What are you doing out here it's freezing." Santana came forward, pushing the swing and the metal squeaked quietly behind her as she continued towards Brittany._

"_I was just getting ready." She slurred, lifting the bottle in her hand, the glass shimmering from the light of the streetlight in front of her house. Brittany furrowed her eyebrows with concern, a hesitant smile on her lips. "I figured we could get out sweet lady kisses on." She whispered the last part, covering her mouth with the back of her hand as though to hush her words. "And then go to Puck's party." Her eyes rolled at the mention of Puck and she took a swig from the bottle. Brittany stepped forward to intervene between Santana and the bottle of rum._

"_How bout I get some of that." She suggested though both girl's were fully aware that the blonde was not about to go shot for shot with her friend._

"_No!" Santana shouted, yanking the bottle back spilling some of its contents on to her. Brittany stepped back, bringing her arms to her sides, dropping her backpack at her feet and stared at Santana carefully. She had never seen her like this and it scared her._

"_San… what's… what's going on?" She asked nervously trying not to sound like she was accusing the Latina of anything. Santana threw her head back and let out a loud and very fake laugh._

"_What__** isn't**__ wrong Brittany?" Santana questioned her, her eyes boring deeply into blue ones. They stood in silence for a few more moments until she waved it off. "Forget it, let's get ready." She moved to grab Brittany's hand with her own but the blonde jerked her hand away._

"_Not until you tell me what's wrong." It was clear that this was not a question or that she was begging, Brittany was demanding to know what was going on. Santana turned to her, looked her over as though to see if she was really serious._

"_Nothing is wrong B." She lied through her teeth and the way her voice wavered Brittany knew and worse of all, Santana knew Brittany knew. "What is wrong with __**you**__?" Turning the tables usually worked on everyone but Santana knew she wasn't getting anywhere with that one because for some reason or another this game the blonde never fell for._

"_Santana I'm not joking around." Brittany wanted to cross her arms, show the other girl she meant business but instead they lay limp at her sides._

"_Of course you're not." Santana chuckled as she spoke, clearly mocking the blonde._

"_Can you be serious or at least pretend to be serious for a moment?"_

"_Britt I have been pretending with you for way too long." It was supposed to be a mumble, just under her breath, not meant to be carried by the harsh air of the winter and into the ears of her best friend._

"_What is __**that **__supposed to mean?" Brittany asked defensively, one foot taking a step back._

"_Whatever you want it to." She shook her head, waved the other girl off and went to take another sip of the liquor in her hand but Brittany was all too quick being sober to pull it out of her hands. "Hey!"_

"_Would you look at yourself?" Brittany spit out, disappointment etched all over her face and all Santana could do was smirk. "You're a mess and I've tried to believe you that nothing is wrong but… it's kinda hard to believe when you act like this." She nearly shouted and motioned towards her friend._

"_Like what?" Santana challenged turning around on the porch and walking down the steps._

"_Where are you going?" The blonde hurried after her, running down the steps she had only moments ago run up._

"_Jesus Brittany, are you going to follow me everywhere now?" She huffed, slumped her shoulders in an annoyed kind of way before she turned around to face the girl behind her who was stopped in her tracks. "It's getting kind of ridiculous. I mean at first it was fun and maybe a little cute." She made a tiny measurement using her index finger and thumb holding it up for Brittany to see. "But now it's just kind of a hassle." Brittany stood there bewildered. Only a few minutes ago Santana was suggesting sweet lady kisses and then she was telling Brittany she was a 'hassle'._

"_Why are you being so mean?" She couldn't hide the sadness in her voice or the fact that she was about to cry. Santana spreads her arms and stomps her foot._

"_Because then maybe you'll go away." Santana told her matter of factly and then she looked down and barely whispered, "I can't give you anything." _

"_What?" Brittany stepped forward again, the wind made it hard to hear but she had a feeling of what the other girl had said. "Why are you doing this?"_

"_You're too good for me Brittany." Santana yelled into the cold winter air. It was strange because even as the wind whipped around and it slapped her in the face like ice, her face was warm and she realized she was crying and couldn't remember the last time she cried. "I'm used and broken and hollow inside." She spit out pointing her finger into her chest to get her point across. "I can't give you what you want. Anything and everything that you deserve and all the things I want to give to you were taken from me a long time ago. I can't get them back. So do us both a favor and just go, leave." She screamed the last word so loud that it echoed off into the night sky._

"_Santana stop it." Brittany pleaded and she tried to stay in control of the tears that were threatening her cheeks. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm not asking you to give me anything I don't want things from you."_

"_Then what do you want?" Santana shouted causing Brittany to jump a little at the volume but once she quickly regained composure she tried to think of an explanation, a reason, a want and she does._

"_I just want you." Brittany told her factually and Santana's face fell slightly and her shoulder's relaxed and her mouth opened but only the hot air of her breath came out, like steam._

_Without any other words Santana stepped to Brittany grabbing her hand and leading her up the walk way to her house. She pushed through the front door quickly dragging the blonde up the stairs. Once her bedroom door was shut she started removing the layers she had so diligently covered her body in. Brittany watched from the door as a coat fell to the foot of the bed and Cheerio track pants hit the floor. Santana turned to face her best friend and motioned to her body as though it were on display._

"_This is what you want?" She asked and her tone was so bitter it sliced through Brittany like a shard of glass and she looked away ashamed. "Let me show you what it is that you get B." Santana hastily reached for the zipper to her Cheerio top and got it off in no time. "See this?" She asked loudly pointing to a small scar just above her left breast. If she hadn't have pointed it out in the light it would have gone unseen. "This is from sophomore year when I was drunk at a senior's house and some deliverance asshole thought it would be exciting to fuck me while holding a knife to my throat. Just as he came the knife slipped and he cut me." Brittany winced at the story and the words used to tell it. "Or how about this?" She turned to the side and pointed out a small circular scar just above the waist band of her Cheerio skirt. "This is from the summer of 9__th__ when I went to Quinn's house while they were on vacation and I was not so warmly greeted by her creep of a neighbor. He head butted me knocking me out when I tried to fight him off and I came to when he thought it would be fun to put his cigarette out on me." She screamed and then unclasped her bra._

"_San." Brittany tried to speak but her voice came out cracky and gargally. Santana's bra was thrown hard to the floor, the clasps made noise on the wood as it hit._

"_Did I ever show you these?" She walked closer to Brittany and lifted her breasts showing the small scars from her 'summer surgery'. "This is summer going into junior year because I wanted power. I wanted to control my situations." She laughed roughly and hard and it was cold. "That didn't happen."_

"_Please stop."_

"_Oh, is this too much for you Brittany? Am I too damaged for you now?" She spit out but she wasn't waiting for an answer she was just on a rampage. She stepped back again and unzipped her skirt letting it pool around her ankles and she walked out of it. "Ever wonder why I never let you go down on me?" Santana asked her and her vision of Brittany was blurred by the tears. "Huh?" Brittany took this as a question in need of an answer so she shook her head. "Here." She pointed down to her hips and upper thighs. "Look." She screamed and motioned for Brittany to come closer and she did, tentatively. She grabbed Brittany's hand once she was close enough. "Feel this. You see." She guided Brittany's fingers over old scars, healing ones and ones yet to start healing. "I'm scarred, not just on the outside." She spoke softly this time letting her grip on Brittany loosen. "See you can't love me. I'm not the one people love. I'm just the one they pass the time with." She said and finally her hand drops completely from Brittany. "So please, just go. Go and stop making me feel things because it's too exhausting." She hung her head and waved the blonde off. "Stop making me want to give you things that I know I can't. Being around you just… reminds me."_

"_What?"_

"_When I'm around you I am constantly reminded of the moments I wish I could erase that I wish I could wash off of me and out of me. Whenever someone was touching me I wished it was you. I pictured your face because it made it easier to get through. And I blamed you when it was over because if I was with you, like with you then this wouldn't be happening to me." She fell to the floor hysterically crying. All of her words had literally tumbled out in sobs and her chest heaved to catch her breath. She looked quite like a small child collapsing after a tantrum. "I tried to hate you because of it and that's why I push you away. And I hate myself because of it. I hate myself." Her hair was a mess and she was completely distraught._

"_That kid, yeah, he took my virginity but he took me right along with it too. The person I was supposed to be, the happiness I was supposed to have. I'm nothing and I have nothing to give. And each one after that kept taking bits and pieces and chunks of me leaving me with nothing to hold on to. So see, you can't love me. I'm unlovable. I can't give you anything." She paused. "Don't tell me this scares you, because… you weren't there when I had to lay there with my face pushed into the ground wondering if after this person is done with me if they are going to kill me. You never had to worry if your brother's friend was going to come sneaking into your bedroom in the middle of the night like he did the weekend before. You never had to worry if your parents could see it, could smell or feel it coming off of you. That you aren't their little girl anymore and that night of your mother's surprise party you were late because some jock had you bent over his mothers oak coffee table while you screamed inside because you wished you were somewhere else, someone else. You've never woken up not knowing where you are, but when you move you have this pain that's let's you know what had happened." She watcheed Brittany sniffle and try to fight the tears that had already been pouring down her face. "I can't make you happy Brittany. I don't know how. I'd let you down, I'd break you and I can't do that because, I could… I could fall in love with you."_

"_I'm not going anywhere." Brittany muttered. "I love you Santana." She sniffled and Santana shook her head._

"_You shouldn't." She told her._

"_But I do."_

"_How can I protect you when I can't even protect myself?"_

"_Let me protect you." She offered and Santana slowly lifted her head. _

"_At least… at least for a little while." _

"_How does forever sound?"_

* * *

"How come she never told anyone?" Quinn asks sipping from her mug and tucking her feet under her. Brittany looks to her hands and shrugs.

"I'm not sure." Brittany admits broken hearted. "I think that maybe she thought no one would believe her." She lifts her gaze from her hands over to the mug that Quinn had her fingers wrapped around. "I mean, she kept it to herself for so long, that by the time she told me… she kind of already had…"

"A reputation." Quinn begrudgingly finishes her sentence and Brittany's eyes drop back down to her own hands again, unfortunately nodding with confirmation.

"I think that sometimes she thinks it made her stronger." She speaks up after the uncomfortable silence became too much for her. She can see Quinn tilt her head to the side in question out of the corner of her eye. "That keeping inside and holding on to everything they hadn't taken away from her, gave her power. That she could be in control. That she is in control." She finishes and finally let's herself look over to Quinn. Brittany can see the tears in her friend's eyes wanting to come tumbling down, but Quinn won't allow them to. They both know that Brittany isn't telling her so that she can feel sorry for Santana she's telling her so that she knows her.

* * *

_They sat there, on the floor of Santana's bedroom. Brittany held her friend, her lover, her most important reason for being. She held her as Santana cried into her chest, mumbling incoherent words some of which sounded like 'sorry's' strung together. Sorry for what exactly escaped Brittany's thought process because all the words she could manage to come out were the same. _

_A bunch of apologies for something that at the end of the day was out of their control, things that, things that words could not explain or provide them that bit of comfort. But they did find that small shred of solace, that tiny bit of 'everything will be okay' and they found that in the arms of each other. As Santana cried into Brittany, the blonde felt no need to hide her emotions any longer and she freely wept as she tightened her grasp around the smaller girl._

_The crying lasted a long while and they stayed like that, on the ground, for a few hours. Brittany had realized that it had started to pour outside at the same time she noticed the girl in her arms had cried herself to sleep. As she maneuvered herself to her feet with plans to pick Santana up and place her on her bed, she couldn't help staring at those tear tracks that formed on those tanned cheeks. Laying Santana carefully on top of the comforter her mind wondered silently if Santana had cried herself to sleep often._

_She still didn't know much, but she knew enough to know that it wasn't good. Her eyes travelled along her friend's still very naked body and fell upon those scars and fresh wounds along her hips and thighs. She felt herself shudder at the thought of her friend doing something like that to herself. How could Santana even think of doing something like that, let alone actually do it? It hurt her heart._

_Her eyes left Santana's small frail body for a moment, sweeping around the room landing briefly on her chair by her desk. Brittany moved quietly across the room to the chair lifting the thin blanket that was draped over the back and brought to the bed laying it onto Santana. She felt her tears, which had still been flowing even after Santana had stopped sobbing, dripping down her face as she stood there watching the Latina sleep._

_Santana looked so sad and broken and though Brittany had noticed these little things of her friend in the past they had never looked so prominent till then. Her head whipped towards the window in Santana's dark walled room and she slowly moved to it assuming it would be her friend's parents. But the closer she got the more she berated herself. Whenever Mr. and Mrs. Lopez went out for one of Mr. Lopez's banquets they were out all night long. In a way she was more than thankful for them not to be there to bear witness to their daughter falling apart at the seams. But then again she desperately wished that Mrs. Lopez had been there because she had no idea what it was she was supposed to say or do for that matter._

_Of course whenever she'd be upset over anything and everything all she needed and wanted from Santana was for her to be there. She'd sometimes sit there and do nothing, not even say anything. Other times she'd hug Brittany until she felt a little better and then she'd hug her some more. One time Brittany had been upset over something and Santana stayed over and watched her the whole night as she slept. The only reason Brittany knew that was when she woke up in the morning and found Santana sitting in a chair by her bed with her head in her hands and eyes slightly hooded desperately trying to fight off sleep._

_Brittany walked back over to that desk chair and carried it over to the side of Santana's bed and took a seat on it facing her friends sleeping form. She brought her legs up crossing them over each other and rubbing the back of her neck with her hands. Her eyes flitted over towards the clock set on Santana's nightstand on the other side of the bed before bringing her gaze back to the sleeping girl. _

_Take away the sadness and the pain clearly written all over her features, Brittany still thought that Santana was the most beautiful person she had ever laid eyes on. Her lips curled upside down and she did her best to stifle the sob that threatened to escape her lips as she leaned forward to brush some hair from Santana's face. She let her hand tuck the hair behind her ear and let her palm rest against her friend's cheek tracing her thumb along the skin there._

_A few more hours had passed until Santana finally woke up. She moved and grunted under the light coverage Brittany had placed over her body. Her eyes landed on the blonde who had remained in the chair beside the bed, blue eyes on her brown ones._

* * *

"That's…" Quinn's head shakes and her lips purse like she has something to say but nothing comes out.

"Intense." Brittany finishes and they both nod.

"Yeah." The other blonde breathes out her mind moving so rapidly over everything that she has learned over the past three days.

"I had never in my life would have ever imagined something like that night to ever happen." Brittany speaks after a few seconds of utter silence. "It was surreal, movie like and awful. For a little while I had seriously thought I had had a nightmare, even when I woke up I was lost. Like I expected to wake up at home or something." Her jaw clenches and she shakes her head some more. "I don't even know how I fell asleep."

* * *

_She hadn't even realized she fell asleep until she woke up. The room was quiet but not the typical middle of the night silence to be expected. Though there were no noises, the sounds of memories and events of only hours before echoed throughout the room._

_She pushed herself from the bed, the room was dark which struck her as odd only because she didn't remember turning off the lights. The hallway just beyond the door was only scarcely lit except for the tiny stream of brightness coming from the direction of the bathroom._

_Her legs, still shaky, took her there and the door was already cracked open a bit. She would knock, but at that point it seemed pointless. The door squeaked as she nudged it open like she knew it would. Santana was standing in front of the mirror that stopped just above the low set counter top._

_Her white tank top was lifted while her old Cheerio's issued sweats were pushed down just to the bottom of her hip. Tan fingers traced over the exposed flesh as brown eyes explored the skin and its scars through her reflection._

_Brittany stood in the doorway and watched her for a short time. She wondered how she missed it, how she didn't know, how she couldn't feel it. With a deep breath and a tight squeeze of her eyes to hold in tears she had thought she'd cried out, she stepped into the bathroom._

"_Do they hurt?" Brittany's quiet voice barely left her throat but Santana heard her. Her eyes flickered to the blonde's reflection briefly and Brittany sighed, shaking her head at herself wishing her first words after going so long without talking were more intelligible than what she actually had said._

"_No." Santana whispered, her eyes downcast to the side that Brittany was not on. "I mean," She swallowed and tilted her head to let truth leave her lips. No more lies, no more hiding from Brittany. "Not anymore I guess." She turned her head, waiting to meet those blue eyes but settling for the blondes hands clasped in front of her instead. "Or… maybe they hurt now." Her eyes rose up slowly, finally meeting Brittany's. "I don't really know." She honestly answered, her voice cracked at her uncertainty. Brittany nodded and chanced a few steps closer towards the other girl._

"_Why did… why do you do it?" Brittany rephrased the question when her gaze fell upon a fresher scab. Santana followed her stare and self consciously covered herself back up, pulling her shirt back down and tugging her sweats up._

"_Because…" She trailed off leaving Brittany without the answer but she still looked at Santana expectantly. "Because I don't matter." She repeated a bit louder._

"_What?" Brittany's face was screwed up, her tone was one of disgust and disapproval, Santana's eyes shifted to the side again._

"_Because…" She was about to repeat herself once again but Brittany cut her off._

"_I heard you." The blonde said a bit softer, but her voice was still strong. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard you say Santana." She told her, taking one more step closer and placed a hand on her shoulder. "You __**do**__ matter. You matter in such a big way, you really have no idea." Santana's eyes shimmered, looking from Brittany to the sink._

"_Why do you do that?" Her words cracked as they left her mouth, she turned to face the blonde whose head tilted to the side and her eyebrows knit together. "How come at school you act so ditzy and nonchalant but when it's just us…" Her throat closed as a lump formed, her head shook to control the tears. Brittany's hand left her shoulder, slid down her arm and found her hand._

"_Because Santana," She brought her other hand to lift Santana's face up to meet hers. "People at school… they're just people that I see and know… at the end of the day it doesn't matter with them." She explained easily with a shrug of her shoulders. "In __**my**__ world the only thing… the only person that matters is you." She spoke those words in a way that was as simple as breathing. "You haven't figured it out yet so I'll stop you from guessing and just tell you." Her hand moved to cup Santana's cheek. "My world revolves around you."_

_And they just stood there for a good two to three minutes staring at one another. Santana desperately searching those blue eyes for some falseness hidden in the layers of her words, but there were none to be sought out. And Brittany desperately tried to make Santana see the sincerity within her, the truth she'd laid out in her words, actions and breathes countless times._

"_Why?" Santana croaked out and Brittany's eyes narrowed, she sighed._

"_Because I love you." She replied almost instantly._

"_But why… why do you love me?"_

"_Do I need a reason?" She asked incredulously but seriously at the same time. "Because there's a lot and I don't know how long you want to stand here." She winked, finally getting a slight smile out of Santana. "You're ridiculously intelligent, I'm talking crazy smart. And you sometimes whisper lines from Shakespeare before you fall asleep." Santana blushed, not even aware she did that. "And I love that I know that it's Shakespeare and tell you and know you won't question me how I know his stuff." She took a quick breath. "You know I'm not that dumb blonde girl everyone else thinks I am. I love your voice and not just when you sing." She spoke lower, her head dipped down to keep eye contact with Santana. "I love the way you whisper in my ear and your phone voice too. I love that you are left handed." She lifted her hand to tuck some dark hair behind her girlfriend's ear. "I love that you're shorter than me. I love that you love to rap in the shower and when we are alone especially when you try to beat box. I love that you make me feel safe and warm." She paused to look lovingly deeper into Santana's dark brown eyes. "The best part about all of those things you do that make my stomach do back flips and my heart beat insanely fast is that you're barely trying to drive me crazy. You're just being you."_

* * *

"She really didn't know how I felt. I guess she knew I loved her… knows I love her." She corrects herself. "But I think she just figured I had to like, because we were together and that we were best friends. She really didn't believe that there was anything there to love."

* * *

_Brittany followed Santana back into her bedroom, walking slowly behind her through the darkness of the hallway and into the quiet. Santana went over to her side table, Brittany could see that much through the unlit room. The clicking of the lamp came to her ears before the light entered her eyes and she took in her best friends figure. Her vision focused rather quickly, recovering from the shadows noticing just how small the other girl truly was. Without the bravado, without the shell of steel veiling her from the rest of the world she was tiny. Her shoulders slumped in that moment so different from the way her posture was normally so pristine and perfect._

_It wasn't uncommon for Santana to let her guard down around the blonde but this time it was different. It wasn't until that moment that Brittany realized that there was a thin layer of armor over Santana even in her presence. She swallowed roughly, trying to contain that lump that had formed without notice in the middle of her chest threatening to come out in the form of a sob, a cry or a whimper or word vomit._

_With the light, though minimal, now on Santana looked down to take in the clothes she didn't remember putting on. She hadn't, she figured it was Brittany who had clothed her while she was in the throes of her breakdown. Her hand tugged at the bottom of the t-shirt, it was Brittany's, and for some reason or another that made her feel warmer and she allowed a sigh of relief to escape her lips. Her jaw clenched, not in an angry sort of way, but in a way of uncertainty and in a way of knowing that their next conversation, the next words she was going to speak were going to alter her entire universe and more importantly though, it was going to alter 'their' universe indefinitely._

_Brittany continued to stand there, silent and stoic, as Santana turned to face her but keeping her eyes down to the floor by the blonde's feet. Her fingers curled under the fabric of the shirt she had been pulling at and gripped it firmly while lowering herself down onto the side of the bed. She sat for a few moments, right there beside the night table taking in a few but very much needed breathes and gathered her thoughts._

_Brittany moved from her spot at the opened door, sliding to the side and brushed her back against the wall as she walked. She leaned against the black colored wall right across from the smaller girl on the bed. Her hands were at her sides, fidgeting with her pants and then she ever so slightly moved herself down until she was sitting on the floor and pulled her knees to her chest. Santana didn't look up to see what her friend was doing but in some odd way of knowing just by the sounds and the feeling around the room she too let her body slide from the bed and sat on the floor, mirroring Brittany's pose._

"_When I found out that you lost your virginity I was so angry." She finally spoke, leaning forward and placed her chin onto her forearms that were resting on her knees. Her voice was so quiet but Brittany heard her. "For so many reasons… I was so angry." Her head shook and she sucked in her lips like she were trying to contain the rage she felt from the memory of it all. "I was mad because I didn't want you to do those things," She lifted her eyes slowly, letting them trail up from Brittany's shoes, to her legs until finally coming to settle on those blue eyes that sparkled back at her. "With boys." She finished the sentence and the blonde's mouth opened, like she was going to respond but both girls knew there was nothing coming out she was going to let Santana have the floor for as long as possible._

"_I hated that you had the choice to wait for your first time. That it was your choice." Santana closed her eyes tightly but try as she might she could not hold in the tears that popped out and trickled down her puffy cheeks. "I hated that it was my fault." Brittany's eyes flickered to the side, her attempt to avoid her friends glare. As much as she would want to deny the statement and cite the falseness behind it she couldn't. It was true, Santana did play a part in Brittany losing her virginity but not in the way either girl would like to remember. "I hated that it wasn't with me the most." She verbalized both of their thoughts and feelings on the subject, bringing blue eyes back to meet brown ones quickly._

"_Me too." Brittany whispered, her voice hoarse from being quiet for so long. Santana took in a long, deep breath, letting it out just as slowly as she took it and let her fingers uncurl from the fist she had been making._

"_My first time was on the ground in the woods one sweaty summer." She finally said for the first time ever. It was out there before she even realized she had opened her mouth to speak. Brittany's eyes searched the space around her before returning to her eyes and her eyebrows furrowed and her lips moved without words. "I was 12-years-old and I was at my aunt and uncles for my cousins birthday and afterwards all us kids were walking through the woods and I," She shook her head at her pre-teen naivety suddenly seeing the whole continuously over hashed out Lifetime movies run through her mind. 'Don't go off with strangers' echoed through her ears. "Stupidly went off with some kid."_

"_But," Brittany cut in, Santana's head snapped up in her direction, she had almost forgotten that she was not alone. She could see the confusion written all over Brittany's face, the way her mouth moved trying to put thoughts to speech but failing miserably. Santana shook her head, already knowing full well what Brittany was getting at._

"_Johnny wasn't my first." She told her causing Brittany's mouth to shut quickly. The Latina didn't know why but a tiny laugh came out and she rested her forehead to her arms. "He wasn't even my second." Brittany's first instinct was to get up and move to the other girls side, but something was keeping her against the wall. She could hear the tears deep in the back of Santana's throat and the way she sniffled trying to contain them but it was truly of no use they came out nonetheless. "I told them to stop, I begged them but they wouldn't." Her head flew back against the bed and she stared up at the ceiling as tear after tear trailed down the sides of her face. Brittany forced her body away from the wall and crawled her way to the spot just in front of Santana. She didn't touch her or say anything, she just sat there and let her proximity be known by simply sitting there._

_Santana continued to cry hysterically into the stale air of her bedroom as Brittany watched her too afraid to touch her. When the tears stopped coming in waves and she was able to control her breathing and whimpering she dropped her head back down till her chin hit her chest. Brittany's nose twitched as she fought off her own emotions. She was only 17-years-old and even though she had been through things she was all too aware of the fact that this was not in the realm of her knowledge. But she knew that anything that had to do with Santana she would push through and do the best she could. It took a little while longer until Brittany could find something to say. It wasn't original and it wasn't anything earth moving or philosophical._

"_Do you want to talk about it?" There was hesitation in her voice but only for the simple fact that she was unsure if it was her turn to speak. Santana looked deeply into her eyes, her chin scrunched a little as her lower lip quivered and she shook her head once._

"_No." It was a firm no. It sounded like one of those Santana 'no's' that she doesn't budge on and Brittany, in this situation, was not about to tempt the fates of pushing this one. "But," The blonde was surprised to hear the tone change in the one word and shocked by the word in itself. "I have to." Santana said and Brittany watched one lone tear race down her cheek to the tip of her chin and vanish into the fabric of her shirt. "I need to Britt." It was as if she were begging to be heard. Pleading for someone to hear her, to ask her the answers she had been so well at hiding for way too long. "Will you listen?" Before the whole question even left Santana's lips Brittany reached out for one of her hands and rubbed her thumb on the back of it, nodding in the same motion._

"_Of course."_

_Santana sniffled a few times and watched Brittany's hand hold her own, her attempt to ease her nerves. Then, after a bunch of minutes, Santana tilted her head to the side and with a quiet voice explained the events of that one summer back when she was 12-years-old. Brittany bobbed her head up and down as the story began until it soon became apparent that she was listening._

_Santana saw Brittany's eyes look away, but not in disgust as she had feared but in that pained way the blonde got when things hurt. She watched her wince as she described every detail down to the color of the leaves that her face had been pressed into. She heard the whimper from Brittany's throat when she explained the way she had been bleeding and didn't know what to do. She followed the tears that fell from Brittany's eyes when she told her how she felt sitting in the car with her mom the day after._

_When she finished Brittany's head fell into her hands and she cried openly. Santana watched her shoulders jerk up and down as sobs racked through her body._

* * *

_That night, after an exhausting day and evening of recalling the things she had come accustomed to blocking and shielding from everyone, including herself Santana laid with her eyes wide open. The arms around her, ones she had always felt comfort in held her just a little bit tighter and would from that night forward._

_Her body was on its side, facing the sleeping blonde. Sure, Santana was tired from all of the crying, the yelling, the talking and the consoling. But she couldn't sleep, she didn't really want to. She could see, with the small glint of light the moon provided, the sad and troubled look on Brittany's face as she slept. _

_But beyond that, past the anguish and disbelief was a curtain of relief Santana could see at the corners of her parted lips and beneath her eyelids. Relief in the sense that she finally figured it out, that she was finally given the answer to the puzzle she had been trying for years to put together. There was a relaxation in her features that put Santana at ease._

_She had just spent hours, days even retelling the horrid, sorted details of a sexual past that even the most potent religious preaching's wouldn't be able to absolve. And yet, Brittany was still there and more astonishingly she clung to Santana as though her life depended on it. She felt tainted, used, like garbage, dirty, trashy and disposable to everyone else but to the blonde she felt like God's gift to the world. _

_Precious and innocent and hopeful. It would be a feeling she would never forget and never let go of and feel again and again and again._

"_You need to sleep." Brittany mumbled out, shifting her arms around Santana, her grip never slacking. Santana breathed out a laugh and moved her head onto Brittany's pillow._

"_I was watching you." She explained, her eyes flickered to the blonde's lips, twitching up into a smirk, eyes remained closed. "I could watch you forever." She whispered and at that Brittany's eyes popped open and instantly found Santana's. "I lied to you." Santana confessed. "When I yelled at you last night. I told you I __**could**__ fall in love with you." She watched Brittany's lower lip jut out, desperately fighting off a pout. "Truth is Britt, I'm almost positive I fell in love with you a long time ago. It just took me a while to figure it out." She admitted bashfully and with a sliver of regret. "I guess I was afraid that, after… this," She motioned to herself. "After you saw who I really was, you wouldn't want me anymore." Tears she thought she was dry out of suddenly formed in her eyes and she quickly blinked them away. "That after everything I've done…" She broke down, leaning in and resting her head against Brittany's. "They're all right, I'm a whore… the school slut and you deserve so much better than…"_

"_Santana, you are __**not**__ a whore or a slut or any of those things." Brittany quickly told her. "You don't… you didn't deserve any of those things that happened to you." She squeezed tighter, kissing the top of her girlfriend's head. "No one deserves to be called those things, ever. You were sexually assaulted." She explained to the girl who pulled away to look at her. Brittany's head lifted up to lock eyes with the girl in her arms. "You were raped, you didn't ask for it, you didn't deserve it." Her words echoed in the dark room and they stared at each other until Santana began to cry hysterically, wailing against Brittany's chest._

* * *

_They pretend everything is okay for a while or so but it's not and they both know it. Maybe then, right in that moment it was better, maybe worse, maybe it was a little okay. The uncertainty of how the moment, how right then was supposed to feel was what made them cling onto pretending it was. But perhaps that was the point._

_As teenagers they spend all of their time trying to decipher every well placed move and those that are not so well thought out. So in that respect it was kind of comforting to act like nothing was wrong._

_They laid there beside one another, staring up at the ceiling with their arms touching and their hands clasped. That's all they truly needed and maybe that was a childish was of thinking, maybe it was too simple and innocent in the scheme of things. But it was all they needed, each other._

_Brittany's mouth opened, Santana knew that because the room had been so quiet for such a long period of time. She could hear the blonde beside her part her lips, lick them for moisture and then the short intake of air, words were coming soon._

"_Santana?" Brittany spoke carefully and softly._

"_Yeah?" The Latina replied in the same cracked voice._

"_I love you." She told her and it was sincere and serious. Santana turned her head when she heard Brittany turn hers. "I still love you, just as much as I did before." Their glassy eyes locked. "Even more so."_

_Santana rolled over onto her side and rested her head onto Brittany's shoulder, draping her arm over the blonde's body. She squeezed her tightly and sniffled against her skin. _

"_Thank you." She quietly sobbed out. "Oh God thank you." It was different than the first time Brittany had said those words to her, different in the way she was responding. The words were exactly the same but the meaning behind them was altered. Brittany wrapped both of her arms around the girl and held her closely against her._

"_And I'm not going anywhere… just so you know." The blonde whispered into the top of Santana's head as she continued to cry against Brittany's chest. "Everything is okay now." And it was, then, right at that particular moment that they stopped pretending that everything was okay and actually started believing that it was, or at least would be eventually._


	12. Writing On The Wall

**_thank you so much to everyone who reviewed last chapter. i know it was a tiring one. but seriously thank you so much for your words. i heart every single one of them and every single one of you._**

**_i believe, if i am correct that this may or may not be the second to last chapter. there may be one or two more after this. however, don't think of that just enjoy this one right here:)_**

**_btw, there are some moments in here that look like it may go back to present time to where Brittany and Quinn are but hopefully it doesn't confuse you and you catch on. if not, feel free to ask questions about it but i'm pretty sure it's easy to figure out:):) 3_**

* * *

**Writing On The Wall**

_They sat in the choir room like they did every Tuesday. They were in their usual seats in the back, hands clasped on Santana's lap. The Latina watched as her own fingers traced patterns on the back of Brittany's hand. The blonde stared ahead, zoning out visually but she could not tune out the other voices in the room. Eventually it got too loud and she couldn't take it anymore._

"_Shut up!" Brittany yelled, instantly silencing the room._

"_Brittany?" Mr. Schuster asked cautiously, nervous about the blonde's out of character behavior. Brittany tightly shut her eyes and took in a deep breath. Her blood was boiling, that much she could faintly feel. Santana squeezed her hand. "Is everything alright?" He turned his body away from the rest of the group to face her. She opened her eyes, her head shook from side to side. Then, without another word she pushed her seat back, withdrew her hand from Santana's and quietly walked out of the choir room._

"_What just happened?" Came Lauren's voice from the other side of the room. Other voices soon joined hers in a bundle of whispers and Santana simply remained seated, her eyes looking back at Mr. Schu's confused by very concerned ones._

_He nodded once to her and then she did the same to him before reaching down to grab her and Brittany's things and leaving the room. Her shoulders dropped when she reached the hallway, she had no idea what caused Brittany's sudden outburst but she knew deep down it had everything to do with what the blonde now knew._

_It was after school hours and to be perfectly honest she hadn't the faintest clue as to where her best friend had stormed off to. Nevertheless, her body moved down the hallway, it probably knew better where Brittany was at than her brain._

_When the next day came Brittany was decidedly quieter than her normal energetic and talkative self. The smile she usually wore had been replaced with a hard blank expression. What also was fairly noticeably new was the role reversal between the blonde and her best friend. _

_In the past it was usually Santana tugging Brittany along throughout the day but now, it was the tall blonde dancer leading the way and made sure to keep her counterpart as close to her as possible. _

"_What's going on with those two?" Tina asked curiously. She had noticed the pair wandering off to an empty table by the fiction section of the library. "I didn't even know they knew this place existed." Mike looked over his shoulder in time to watch Brittany take Santana's books and pull her seat out for her. _

_It was a sight he had seen before, those girls were always doing 'cute' overly affectionate BFF stuff for years and that scene seemed as normal as anything. He shrugged and went back to his homework._

"_I don't think anything." He replied with a sigh._

"_Something is most definitely going on." Tina continued to peer over her boyfriends shoulder. "Brittany's been walking around like Santana's bodyguard/personal assistant all day and for the past couple of days now that I think about it." Her eyes go back to Mike who looked as perplexed as ever. "In Spanish, Brittany didn't even ask Mr. Schu if the Macarena was Spain's national anthem." She pointed out as though that bit of information made her case solid. "And I'm almost certain I caught her taking notes." She waited for some sort of response from Mike. "With __**words**__, not pictures."_

* * *

"It was becoming so much for me to deal with and," Her head shakes, her hands come out to her sides as though trying to grasp for any kind of words to explain her thoughts. "I think it was then that I realized I had absolutely no idea what Santana was actually going through." She looks up to meet curious hazel eyes. "I mean, obviously I was broken… completely destroyed to hear about… everything. The love of my life…" She looks away to gather herself. "But I had nothing to help her… I mean I was there but… that's not enough. It was eating me up alive and if I was feeling that I couldn't even begin to picture what it was that San was feeling."

* * *

_A week or so after at school Brittany held Santana back from going to class. She didn't say anything to her as she grabbed her hand and led her down the empty hallway. They didn't need any more words. Brittany being there, by her side was enough to comfort her than any spoken words could._

_She looked over to the blonde who had her eyes forward, her mouth closed and her head held up a little higher than usual. Santana had never seen her best friend look so sure of herself before now. She wondered when that happened. She wondered when that happened, when did Brittany become so strong? But she knows deep down in those places that housed her fear and faux confidence that Brittany had always been this person. She had been so trapped and blinded by the darkness for so long that only now, with that door to her prison creaked open that the light shining through had always been Brittany._

_When they finally stopped walking Santana took in her surroundings and she looked away from Brittany who had turned to her. Her eyes found the name plate beside the door on the wall. This was a place she had jokingly brushed off as a waste of time, a place that couldn't help her. A place that would only bring the memories back and torture her further and she'd only find more sorrow than solace._

_She turned her gaze back to Brittany, the blonde staring back at her though still maintaining that confidence looked scared and hopeful at the same time. Brittany's eyes flickered to the window, the glass that besides the door, was the only thing separating them from the inside and the outside all the same._

_Santana glanced beyond those windows finding behind her desk stood Miss Pillsbury looking back at Santana. Her hands were clasped in front of her, her head dipped down and her face held the same expression that covered Brittany's._

"_Don't be mad Santana." Brittany said softly causing Santana to turn her attention from the glass. "I made an appointment with Miss P." Britt nervously looked down. "You need to tell an adult." It was simple and she made it sound so easy. For a moment, one that lasted no longer than a blink of an eye, Santana felt betrayed._

_But the way Britt was holding her hand and the way her sad eyes that sparkled with concern and love looked at her, she dismissed that angry emotion. She felt herself nod once and looked back inside the office where the guidance counselor was patiently waiting for her._

"_I'll be out here if you need me." Brittany offered and gently squeezed her best friend's hand. But when she went to let go of her hand Santana kept a tight hold. "Are you sure?" Santana nodded. _

_Brittany pulled the door open and led Santana in just as she had down the hallway, into the unknown. The unknown this time, for the first time, seemed less scary. When the door closed behind them Santana found it hard to make eye contact with the other two in the room and they stood by the door for a few moments. It may have been set up by Brittany but they were going at Santana's speed. Miss P looked to Brittany and with a meek smile waved her hand towards the two chairs in front of her desk. Brittany nodded, tugged on her friend's hand lightly and waited for her to respond. Santana complied with the request and followed Brittany to the chairs and sit, their hands falling apart as they did so._

_The three of them sat there in silence with Santana looking at her hands, off to the side and even the clock behind Miss P's head. Brittany looked from Santana, to Santana's hands that were fidgeting in her lap and then over her shoulder at the random student and teacher that had walked by. Miss P nervously watched Santana's eyes flitter around the room and then over the two girls in front of her when she noticed Brittany looking over her shoulder to those in the hallway. Santana's attention was caught when Miss P got up and shut the blinds to her office._

"_So, Santana," Miss Pillsbury interrupted the silence but didn't really continue with much after that and both girls just watched her move back to behind her desk._

_The cheerleader reached for Brittany's hand who gave her a reassuring squeeze and shifted her seat closer to Santana. Then one by one, from beginning to end, first to last Santana retold the story she had only hours ago shared with Brittany. Brittany watched the guidance counselor stay composed and control the reactions her body most likely wanted to make. She could see it in Miss P's eyes, the horror, the unbelievable anguish she felt hearing Santana's story._

_Even for herself though she had learned of Santana's secret torment before now, she knew that this would never get easier. All of the details stung just the same as they did the first time. All of the images Santana painted that dripped blood and tears and darkness would forever be engrained into her mind. And if that happened just by hearing the story her heart broke all over again at the fact that it's Santana's story, and one that she actually lived through._

_Miss Pillsbury did a lot of nodding and when some of the more specific details came out she shuffled some papers around on her desk but never once took her eyes off of the girl who blankly explained everything with clear precision. _

* * *

Schools all over America are typically the same. Lockers along the side of the hallways, some donned with decorations of school paraphernalia and or personal likes while others simply remained the color normally pale unflattering color. McKinley High School in Lima, Ohio was no different than the other numerous high schools around the country.

Though it's a Saturday and school is not formally in session the hallways still retain the aura of young teen life and angst. Banner's for homecoming were stapled, taped and hung on the walls, overhangs and onto bulletin boards. Sign-up sheets for clubs, teams and for student government took up space on the board just outside the student development center and pictures of Alumni-Athletes were perfectly situated along the top of the wall in the Athletic Department wing.

The echoes of the student's voices from the week were still bouncing off of the walls, inside the locker rooms and inside the bathrooms. But as Mrs. Schuster, formally Miss Pillsbury and still referred to as such, walks through the deserted halls of McKinley High School she can't tune out the voices of years past let alone the past week.

It wasn't her first year at McKinley when those certain students came into her life, but they were her most memorable of years. When she was younger she always dreamed of being someone who worked in the field of education with the hopes of being able to reach out to the kids. So with that in mind the ideal position had come in the form of Guidance Counselor. She was sure that with that occupation she could help the kids, be there to support them and be there to listen when they needed someone too.

Her mind comes back to the reality of now or somewhere close to it as she pushes the door to the girl's bathroom open. It swings shut behind her, her shoes shuffle over the small cheap tiles that don't match the tiles on the wall and her arms fall to her sides, fists bunched loosely by her hips.

She makes it a habit to every now and again come into the girl's bathroom during school hours. It allows her to get a good sense of the atmosphere the girl's of McKinley are living in. Teenage girl's these days had no shame with using certain vocabulary and terms in front of teachers so when the quiet Guidance Counselor would set foot in the bathroom in the middle of their gossiping they didn't skip a beat.

But Mrs. Schuster, formally Miss Pillsbury, found she learned and noticed more from the things unspoken. She could tell that two girls did not get along by the way they danced around each other in the bathroom even though they would be speaking animatedly and sharing a tube of lip stick. But more importantly she could get a feel for the perception of a female or male student for that matter by the writing on the wall, literally.

It was the same from when she was in school and she assumes it's always been that way. Kids come in and out of the bathroom with an abundance of feelings, emotions, and vent by way of writing on the bathroom stalls. _'Joanna is a loser' _or _'Tammy Lindt wears pleather'_ or _'Crystal J. is as dumb as rocks'_. Those weren't even the worst of it all but she is certain they hurt just the same.

The ginger haired faculty member brushes pass the first four stalls, stopping in front of the fifth one nudging it open with her shoulder taking a step inside. At first glance it's just a normal looking bathroom stall like in any other bathroom in any other high school in America. But to Mrs. Schuster, the former Miss Pillsbury, it was so much more than just a bathroom stall.

Anytime she finds herself in this particular stall she stares at the same place, the tile two spots up from the toilet. The thing about this stall was that it had something the other stalls didn't. The tiles in the fifth stall of the girl's bathroom on the second floor at McKinley High weren't red like the rest of the tiles were in the room. Instead the tiles in this stall were white and not just because they were white tiles but because they were painted white.

* * *

_Miss Pillsbury was in her office trying her best to ignore the fact that she so desperately wanted to get up and Swiffer the fake plant sitting by the window. It was difficult but she was getting better with her OCD and taking control of her life by simply letting go. It had become a mantra of sorts between her and a student who said that if Miss Pillsbury tried to let go then they would try as well._

_Her focus on trying to unfocus on the plastic plant was disrupted and thankfully so by a flash of blonde pacing in front of her door. Her doe eyes looked up to find Brittany, her books pulled to her chest nervously glancing into the Guidance Counselor's office._

_Miss Pillsbury stood up from her desk smoothed out her skirt and walked around her desk to open the door. Brittany finally stopped her motions and turned to face the teacher._

"_Brittany." Miss Pillsbury let out in an airy breath, her eyes flickered up and down the hall quickly before looking back to the student before her. "Is everything okay?" The smaller woman moved slightly closer to the girl who chewed on her lower lip. "Is it Santana?" Her voice got quieter as she spoke the Latina's name to which Brittany nodded sullenly._

"_She's in the bathroom." Brittany told her with a shake of her head. "She won't come out. She's just standing there, staring at the wall." She shrugged her eyes downcast and her lips parted telling the Guidance Counselor she knows why her best friend is standing in a bathroom stall. "Will you come help?" Her fingers twisted around the piece of her binder that was almost falling off and she bounced on the balls of her feet waiting for Miss Pillsbury to respond._

_The blonde led the way to the bathroom her best friend had been hiding out in since seventh period. School had long since ended yet Santana remained glued to the spot. The door to the bathroom swung open, making a quick clanging sound as it hit the wall and flew closed. It wasn't hard for Miss Pillsbury to figure out which stall the young girl was hiding out in but Brittany showed her anyway._

"_Santana." Brittany spoke softly, bringing her hand up to knock on the metal. "It's me." She said, flattening her palm against the cool feeling of the door to the stall. "I got Miss P and I know you said you didn't want to talk but…" Before Brittany could finish, the click to the stall echoed the room and suddenly Santana appeared._

_Her face wasn't sad or mad or happy or joyful, in fact, it wasn't much of any emotion in the 'feeling rainbow'. It was almost blank, not quite, but almost with a hint of acceptance that neither Brittany nor Miss Pillsbury really liked the look of. They watched as Santana stepped out of the stall with her arms crossed over her chest and glance over her shoulder back at the wall she had been staring at for hours._

_Brittany chanced a quick look but she didn't really need to see what it was that caught the shorter girl's eye for a better part of the day. So with that she quickly averted her eyes back to the ground where the tiles were less likely to cause heartache._

"_Guess you really can't escape your past huh?" Santana said, her voice was hard and it cracked slightly in an annoyed and underused fashion. "It's always going to be there, carved into the cheap ass tiles of McKinley High." She shook her head as she let herself lean against the sink directly in front of the stall. Miss Pillsbury swallowed taking a step in front of the now opened door to take a peek._

_She knew that what she would find would most likely be offensive, mean, cold and sad. Things that Santana had already felt that she could not escape and this merely proved her point. Two tiles up from the toilet in the fifth stall of the girl's bathroom on the second floor held the words __**'Santana is a slut'**__. True, she had been called worse before but it still didn't make the sting any less painful. And after everything that had happened, with everything that had been said and done and everything that had poured out of her it didn't take it away. It was all still there above those dark clouds and the rain and the harshness, in the clear light of day it was there._

"_Can't escape, can't erase." She repeated more to herself, her head dipping low till her chin rested to her chest and she tightly shut her eyes._

* * *

Against her better OCD judgment, she ran her fingers over the paint. Still very white compared to the bright red tiles but worn out over time and covered with new words and names. She wonders if other girl's come in here and think about why this wall, out of all the rest, is painted or perhaps they come in here with their markers in hand and simply thank the school for being too tight with money and giving them a better drawing board.

* * *

_The next day before the last bell Santana Lopez was called to the Guidance Counselor's office after school. Seeing that she had spent most of her after school hours with Miss Pillsbury or at least in her office those days she didn't think much of it. So when the bell rang she gathered her things and met Brittany at their lockers._

"_Do you know why she wants to see you?" Brittany asked pulling on the straps of her backpack while they walked through the sea of students who paid them no mind. Santana shook her head and reached up to grip her pinky into the blonde's._

"_No." She replied simply._

_Santana knocked on the door before entering. She popped her head through the space she'd made to see Miss Pillsbury sitting at her desk with an interesting but kind smile playing on her lips._

"_Come on in Santana." She waved the girl in and was not at all surprised to see her tugging her blonde friend in behind her. "Brittany." Miss Pillsbury nodded as her greeting motioning for the girls to take a seat._

"_Look I know I was supposed to stop in during my free but, I…" Santana stuttered over her words while rested her backpack by her feet but she stopped as Miss Pillsbury put up her hand to stop her and shook her head._

"_That's not why I called you here." She clarified quickly. Santana tilted her head in confusion letting out a long sigh and a nod._

"_Okay." The Latina let out slowly, bringing her and Brittany's hand into her lap. The petite Guidance Counselor twisted her lips in thought clasping her hands on the top of her desk._

"_I could tell yesterday that you were… bothered." She wanted to use the right words and not particularly label the exact feelings Santana felt the day before. By leaving the slot with a vague description it allowed Santana to verbalize herself on her own._

"_Yeah." Santana agreed with the assessment and nodded, her pinky tightening its grip with Brittany's. _

"_Well, what you said in the bathroom really got me thinking." Miss Pillsbury told her finally catching the girl's eye indefinitely. "You're right about one thing." She leaned over her desk a little to get a better look at those tired and scared eyes of the young girl before. "You can't erase your past." She sighed with defeat and her heart nearly leapt out of her chest seeing the girl's shoulders slump. "But," She said loudly, holding up her arm and pointing out her index finger while leaning down to grab something beside her desk. "You can __**always**__ start anew." She smiled not so gracefully placing a paint can onto the top of her desk and putting two brushes on the top of it._

_The two girls in front of her eyed the can with curiosity and then with those same eyes stared at the Guidance Counselor. She offered them both a warm smile that held hope and future and possibility that maybe things can't necessarily be fixed but perhaps one can wipe the slate clean and start from scratch._

_That afternoon, with the hallways void of students and teachers milling around, two best friends and their Guidance Counselor took refuge in the fifth stall in the girl's bathroom on the second floor of McKinley High. For the first time in probably a long time the laughs that echoed off of the walls in that bathroom were pure and sincere and honest. They weren't biting or callous or envious._

_They painted the wall white that day and even though it would not erase the words underneath it would finally give the chance for her to determine her own fate, her new fate._

* * *

It is a bit faded perhaps but, it is still very much there and she with her thumb runs over it once again, _'S. I love you. B. always'. _The older woman catches a smile come to her face realizing that even deep within all the sadness this wall has brought, there really is so much more behind it.

"You know it's kind of creepy when teachers hang out at school on a weekend." A familiar voice comes from behind her and normally she'd be startled but for some reason or another she is kind of expecting the intrusion.

"When did you get in?" Mrs. Schuster asks after she turns around with a bright smile on her face.

"Yesterday." Santana informs her from her spot against the sink. The Guidance Counselor nods taking a step out of the stall and in front of her former student. They stand there awkwardly for a few short seconds before Santana pushes herself from the sink and opens her arms. "It's really good to see you Miss P." She tells the woman, pulling her into a hug quickly.

"You too Santana." She replies wrapping her arms tightly around the girl. "You look good. So grown up." She comments as they pull apart and kindly look one another up and down.

"Thank you, you do as well. Look good that is, not old." Santana corrects with a few nods her smile so genuine Mrs. Schuster notes to herself.

"And Brittany?" The doe eyed woman tilts her head in question and Santana's smile only widens and brightens.

"She's doing, she's amazing. As beautiful as ever and she's almost done student teaching." The young Latina explains.

"That's nice to hear." Mrs. Schuster bobs her head up and down.

She won't tell Santana that she already knows how Brittany is doing because the blonde has kept in contact over the years through e-mail. She won't tell her this because of the proud look on Santana's face as she speaks of the accomplishments of the woman she loves. She won't tell her because this look is a look she likes to bask in for it only has been able to exist for a few years and she doesn't want to waste it.

"She's coming in on Tuesday with Quinn." Santana tells her and a comfortable silence washes over them and they both catch themselves peering into the stall. "I remember the day I first saw that." She breaks the quiet and pushes herself from the sink pointing to the wall. "Brittany tried to play it off but I knew she was up to something."

* * *

_Brittany came rushing over to their lockers through the hustle and bustle of the five minutes between classes. She leaned onto the locker beside Santana's taking in deep breathes to calm herself. Santana was in her own mind but even that never stopped her from noticing Brittany and whatever state it was she was in._

"_You okay Britt?" She asked cautiously, her eyes flickered around the busy hallway trying to catch the person who made her friend look like this. Brittany sighed and shrugged._

"_Someone wrote on our wall." The blonde told her quietly, her eyes looking down and her lower lip being chewed on. Santana felt her heart drop and her knees almost give out. 'So much for a clean slate Miss P' she thought to herself._

"_Is it… is it bad?" She asked curiously and with a slight twinge in her voice. Brittany glanced back up at her and shrugged again._

"_You better come see for yourself." Was what Brittany answered and grabbed Santana by the hand dragging her to the bathroom on the second floor._

_Once they got there Santana's feet stopped working. After they had left school the day before she had felt like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. That maybe Miss Pillsbury was right about starting anew. The idea that someone had already ruined that for her, well, it just plain sucked._

"_Go on." Brittany nudged her from behind pushing her forward. Her eyebrows furrowed and she looked over her shoulder as she continued her way to the fifth stall. Brittany lifted her own eyebrows and motioned with her head for the girl to keep on moving._

_She turned towards the open stall with her eyes shut. It probably wouldn't have been something she hadn't even been called to her face but that wasn't really the point. With a deep breath she slowly opened her eyes letting them dart over the surface of the newly painted white tiled wall. It was there, she could see it. Actually she had to take a few steps into the stall to get a good look at it._

_The writing wasn't written in huge block letters like she imagined, or in huge graffiti writing either. It was tastefully sized and in familiar handwriting. The closer she got the more she realized that it was a handwriting she not only knew well, but very, extremely well. She looked over her shoulder just as Brittany stepped in behind her._

"_When you think of this wall, this is what I want you to remember." Brittany whispered into her ear. She lifted her arm, letting it brush over Santana's and pointed to the writing on the wall. "Let this be your new beginning. Let __**me**__ start this new beginning __**with**__ you." Her voice was gentle and it felt so smooth going down into Santana's chest. "I love you." She wrapped her arms around her best friend, right there in the fifth stall of the girl's bathroom and declared her love._

_And even though it wasn't the first time she had said it both girl's knew that she still meant it just as she did the very first time._

* * *

"It took a while." Brittany states firmly but with ease and relaxation as well. "But eventually it really felt like we were… she was moving forward and getting better."

"Did she tell her parents?" Quinn asks hesitantly.

"Yes." Her friend says simply. "Of course she was nervous… I can't imagine that being a calming situation to play in your head. I mean, I was nervous for her." She begins to explain, leaning against the headboard of her and Santana's bed. "Miss Pillsbury set up a meeting. It took some convincing but I told Santana we would never get better unless she told them. That if she was strong enough to tell me, Miss P and even say it out loud to herself than she could do anything."

"And?"

"They took it hard, as to be expected." Her eyes drop to the end of the bed where her feet were playing with the sheet. "They wanted names of course and… Tony was so angry, I'd never seen him that way."

"I can imagine, finding out your best friend did that, to your baby sister…" Her voice trails off not wanting to go through that story again, and Brittany appreciates her choice of words.

"Mrs. Lopez cried and blamed herself. Mr. Lopez didn't talk for a few days but every time he and Santana crossed paths after that he asked if he could hug her." Brittany's voice cracks and her nose scrunches up, her hand coming up to her mouth to suppress any other sounds that may escape. "He asked her because he didn't want her to feel like he was…" Her body betrays her and she starts to cry, tears just stream from her eyes and down her cheeks and she can only give up trying to fight against them. And Quinn, well she breaks down right along with her. After a few moments of them letting their tears take them over Brittany collects herself, sniffles and straightens up, clearing her throat to continue. "She started going to therapy shortly after, Miss P's advice to her parents as well as to her. She also suggested I went to therapy as well…" She admits self consciously. "She said that because I had been the first one Santana told and that I was obviously the closest person to her she was afraid I would blame myself." She looks up to meet Quinn's eyes. "And she was right, I did."

"So you guys went to therapy together?"

"No, we went to separate doctor's." Brittany shakes her head, clearing her throat once more and reaching to the side to grab a water bottle. "But later on, like… now we do, well… I go with Santana to her therapist." She explains using her hands to make her point. "But during those first months of therapy in high school it was like our relationship had gone back to square one." Quinn stares at her in confusion. "It… we just didn't… we weren't intimate for a very long time." The other blonde mouths 'oh' as she finally gets what her friend is saying. "It's not that I didn't want to, believe me I did and she says she did too. We were just too aware of everything." She shrugs. "That's what my therapist said anyway… and Miss P. Like I was too afraid of feeling like I was pushing her and she didn't think I wanted her, which is obviously silly." She rolls her eyes.

* * *

_It had been a while since the couple had been intimate. It's not like there weren't moments for them to be, it just didn't seem to fit in the world they now lived in. Everything between them was so delicate Santana was too afraid to want and Brittany was too afraid to give. But then one night everything seemed to fall back into place, the way it was… between them and everything was perfect._

_Santana sat at the foot of the bed, her knees together and her hands in her lap. Her eyes were looking to the floor, right where it met the wall and every now and again glanced around the room. The room itself usually brightened up by several lamps and light fixtures was dim with only one lamp lit up and some twinkling lights that Brittany had begged her father to put up around the ceiling. _

_Santana grinned as she let her eyes dance along the white icicle Christmas lights. It was May and only someone like Brittany would have holiday lights hanging around her room regardless of the season. She knew that for Brittany there was a meaning behind the lights. A hope and a childlike dream state of wonderment with a hint of believing that only youth provides. Her belief was not in anything in particular and yet __**everything**__in particular._

_The sound of Brittany's bedroom door creaking broke Santana out of her daze and she turned her head towards the doorway finding her blonde friend leaning thoughtfully against the frame. Brittany had one hand behind her back fiddling with the back of her T-shirt while the other was placed against the wood of the door frame awkwardly twisted at the wrist. She offered Santana a small, soft smile and tapped her toe on the ground gently before letting her foot cross over her other ankle._

_"Hey." The blonde said softly as though it were the first time greeting her guest. Santana let out a giggle that sounded more like a sigh before she responded with the same airy voice. 'Hey' she said back and turned her body more towards the door._

_Santana watched Brittany take a few tentative steps into her room watched her turn her back to her and close the door quietly before turning back around to face her. She stood up from the bed, finding that her hands against her jeans were moist and she proceeded to wipe them hoping Brittany couldn't see and therefore wouldn't be able to tell she was nervous._

_Her lower lip found its place between her teeth as she watched Brittany walk cautiously in her direction, almost in slow motion. Brittany had her hands behind her back, her fingers twisting anxiously around each other and her lips twisting side to side as she contemplated her next, very important, moves carefully._

_The smaller girl reached one hand out, it was shaking but she tried to control it curling her fingers inward to rid it of its own movements. Her fingers uncurled and Brittany took the offered hand in her own, allowing Santana to grip hers and pull her the rest of the way towards her. They both grinned at themselves and to one another as they came face to face with very limited space between their bodies._

_Brittany watched Santana's free hand move from her side and through the air until it found a place on her hip, resting there comfortably. She brought her eyes back up to meet the Latina's that were curious, relaxed and warm. She wondered how her best friend's eyes could always look that way when she looked at her. _

_Those brown eyes that more often than not were dark, fearful, closed off and almost dangerous when staring down others. All of that seemed to melt away, like snow on a warm winter's day. When Santana looked into Brittany's eyes, all of the harshness of the outside world seemed to leave her, like Brittany was the outlet, the one place that could make Santana let go and hold on all the same._

_The tall blonde brought her free hand placing it gently on Santana's wrist, resting it there barely wrapping her fingers around instead letting them move about to tickle softly at the skin under her touch. Santana stepped towards her, leaving an even smaller distance between them, and leaned up just enough to kiss Brittany's chin, a spot she could reach without being on her toes._

_Brittany breathed out a smile and closed her eyes at the contact. It felt nice. It always felt nice when Santana's hands and fingers were on her, and even nice when her lips were on her. It never felt forced. Yes it was sometimes hard and needy but sometimes she knew her kisses were too. But most times, her best friend's lips on hers were soft and thoughtful and purposeful. _

_Brittany remembered reading once that a kiss is just a kiss and that couples give their partners over a billion kisses in their lifetime together and about half of them were meaningless kisses. But she knew that each and every one of Santana's was on purpose, they were meant to mean something, and they were there for a reason. She could feel it in the way her lips moved on her own and how, when it was one of those soft kisses, she could feel the electricity bouncing off of their mouths and into the other. She hoped Santana could feel the same._

_Her breath hitched when she felt Santana's fingers playing with the bottom of her shirt and brush against her skin. It was the same electricity she'd felt in her lips. For a brief second her body went completely numb to buzzing and it traveled up to her face and brought her smile from ear to ear until she was grinning like a fool._

_"I never thought I could want someone this much." Santana whispered making Brittany melt. Her almost disbelief that another person could erupt such feelings in her own body amazed Brittany, more so because she felt it too. It was almost too much being this close to Santana sometimes. Obviously it had been a while, but even with their past, it seemed like a whole new experience and it was surreal. "I want you Brittany." She breathed out, bringing her eyes to those blues and locking in on them. "I want you so bad." Her voice shook and her lower lip quivered as she stepped onto her tippy toes and brought her lips to finally meet Brittany's. The blonde breathed out in relief that this contact had finally been made, sliding her hand from Santana's wrist up her arm and taking refuge on her shoulder beside her neck._

_"I missed you." Brittany said between kisses, their heads tilting around the other wanting to take in every angle of the other girl's lips that they possibly could._

_"Mhmm, I missed you too." Santana replied her grip on Brittany's hip pulling the girl closer to bring their bodies together. Brittany shook her head, her hand grasping around the side of Santana's neck, her thumb brushing against her cheek._

_"No." The blonde told her pulling back for a moment to find those brown eyes. There. "I missed you." Her voice was husky and low. Santana's eyes widened slightly, understanding what Brittany had actually meant and she swallowed hard, taking it in before bringing their lips together again._

_Brittany didn't just miss their bodies pushed together. She didn't just miss Santana's mouth on hers or her hands all over her, she missed so much more. Brittany missed the essence of Santana's being, the way she joked sarcastically even though it came out mean sometimes. She missed the way Santana only let herself be vulnerable to Brittany regardless if the situation was conversational, sexual or in complete silence. Brittany missed the beating of Santana's heart racing along with her own, both organs daring to jump out of their chests and fall to the floor into a big mess of feelings, nervousness, anxiety and everything else that has ever been between them._

_Soon, both or Santana's hands were on Brittany's waist, brushing the skin underneath clothing, tugging at the bottom of the shirt and gripping on the skin softly. Brittany gasped at the touch, sucking in air that Santana was breathing out into her mouth. She followed as Santana led her to her bed and then again as the smaller girl slowly moved to take a seat. _

_Both of Brittany's hands found themselves at the sides of Santana's face, her fingers moving her hair away and tucking it behind her ears and reaching the back of her back to pull her close. When she felt Santana's fingers curl under the hem of her shirt she pulled back from the kiss, glancing down at the fabric bunched in the Latina's hands and then up to those brown eyes. Santana's lips were full and slightly parted, breathing out heavily as she tried to regain her oxygen intake and desperately wanting to be back on Brittany's._

_The blonde gave her best friend the approval she needed to continue with a nod, raising her arms above her head to make it easier. Santana slowly slid up the t-shirt, taking her time to let her eyes linger on Brittany's body that was being revealed to her for what felt like the first time. Brittany's arms came down to rest at her sides as she sat there on her bed, in her bra with her best friend staring at her. She watched Santana's eyes roam all over her body, taking mental snap shots and making memories she could never forget. Santana looked amazed, enamored, mystified and grateful. Brittany saw the Latina's throat move up and down and when she looked up she saw Santana's eyes locked on to her own._

_"You're very beautiful Brittany." Santana told her. Brittany had felt as though someone had literally come and stole the breath from her lungs and then punched her in the stomach. She had been told she was pretty before, yeah she is sure someone had even called her beautiful, but in that moment hearing the words come out of Santana's mouth it felt so different._

_Her voice was almost not there, raspy and deep and low, with a child like surprise lingering underneath. She tried to fight her eyelids from closing when she felt Santana's fingers run over her collarbone to her shoulder and then down the top of her breast stopping just above the fabric of the bra covering the rest of her up. Brittany reached up, taking Santana's hand with both of hers and brought it to her lips, the fingers that had touched her oh so lightly, she placed tiny kisses on each one. She placed that hand back down to the bed and brought her own hands around her back to unclasp her bra._

_Her eyes were fixed to Santana's as her hands slowly slipped the straps down her shoulders and off of her chest until finally discarding it to the floor somewhere unimportant. She inched closer on the bed towards the smaller girl, wanting her to, no, needing her to touch her. Before Santana moved a muscle Brittany grabbed for the bottom of her shirt, gripping it the way Santana had hers moments earlier. She noticed Santana's hands flinch and her head whip down her eyes darting to her hands. Brittany expected Santana to pull away and half expected her to turn and run like she had done so many times before and that this moment that they had just built up to and everything they had fixed was going to fade away._

_Slowly she started to let go of the shirt and was ready to pull her hands away but was stopped when she felt Santana's hands on her own tugging on them. She looked up at Santana, nervous to hear an excuse or something that would take this all away from them, again._

_"Please?" Santana asked, begged, pleaded. "Please don't stop." She needed this more than Brittany. She wanted this just as much as her. Just like the blonde, she lifted her arms over her head and waited for Brittany to pull her shirt up and toss it to the floor. A small squeak of air popped out of Brittany's mouth as she let her eyes fall upon the tanned and toned skin of her best friend's body. She could feel her mouth drying up from hanging open._

_"Can... can I..." Brittany nervously motioned for Santana's bra, insinuating whether or not she was allowed to remove it. Santana nodded and leaned forward, brining her hands to cup Brittany's face and pulled her into a soft kiss._

_With her bra off as well, both girls let their hands travel across naked torsos to explore. It was so excruciatingly slow, neither of them wanted it to ever end. Lips found heated skin, tongues danced along arms, fingers, wrists, necks and any other piece of flesh they could come in contact with. It was exhilarating, refreshing, memorable and raw._

_Santana moved cautiously, resting her hand behind Brittany's head and made to lead them further onto the bed carefully guiding the blonde's head to come to pillow. Brittany watched her as she hovered over her, making sure that she was comfortable and the way she moved her body just so on top of hers._

_"I love you." The words popped out of Brittany's mouth before she even realized she was saying them and Santana's eyes flickered up to meet hers. The Latina's eyebrows furrowed and her lips opened and closed obviously looking for something to say. "You don't have to say it back." Brittany whispered, tearing her eyes away, her hands sliding up and down her girlfriend's bare arms._

_"You make it hard for me to breathe, but I love it." Santana told her, catching her eyes and looking deeply into them bringing their lips so close they were brushing against one another. "It's like you steal the air and my heart at the same time." She shook her head in almost disbelief that the girl before her had been there the whole time. The part of her she had been led to believe did not exist. Her everything. "When you're around… I don't see anything else." She moved closer, closing the small gap between them letting her lips finally meet Brittany's in a sweet, chaste kiss that lasted a nanosecond. When she pulled back she did so enough that they could stare at one another. "I love you Brittany."_

* * *

_Santana was sitting on their bed, her eyes fixed on her luggage that was packed and waiting in front of their closet. She wasn't so much looking at the luggage as she was more just finding something, anything to stare at as she thought. Footsteps coming to a halt at the door caught her attention and she smiled softly when she spotted her girlfriend standing there leaning up against the door frame._

"_I wish you'd let me come with you." Brittany whined a bit and tried her best lip pout hoping that maybe at the last second her girlfriend would succumb to her super powers and let her join her on the trip back to their hometown. Santana sighed, her smile fading a little and she pushed herself up from the bed._

"_I can't babe, I…" For a moment she looked away, twisted her lips and then reached out to pull the blonde in by her arm and closed the door as quietly as possible. "I can't because I need you to do something for me." She clasped their hands, both of them, together and pulled Brittany closer to her. The blonde stared back at her, all ears and waiting to hear what it was the Latina needed from her. "While I'm there I'm going to be writing notes on what I'm going to say, probably meeting up with Miss Pil… Mrs. Schuster." She rolled her eyes playfully and then went back to serious mode. "But I need you here because you have a more important job to do." Her eyes left Brittany's and she unclasped one of their hands and pulled her girlfriend to the end of the bed and motioned for her to sit. _

"_Baby I need you to talk to Quinn for me." She let out and Brittany eyes went wide, then narrowed, then her eyebrows scrunched together._

"_Santana, I don't…" She started to shake her head but Santana stopped her._

"_Britt… you can do this." Santana assured her. "I… I need you to tell her." She stared deeply into the blonde's eyes, desperate and pleading. "And then I want you to bring her to the assembly Tuesday."_

"_Are…" Brittany's eyes widened again. "Are you sure?" Santana took a moment, thinking it over but then nodded._

* * *

Quinn had expected a stress free weekend. She figured that she and Brittany would bond over wine and late nights out sharing stories they already knew about one another and reminiscing over them.

Four days and three nights they sat and laid on the couch, Santana and Brittany's bed and took refuge on the bathroom floor. Quinn listened intently as Brittany told her a story not her own but one in which she had a supporting role. She heard the anguish in the other blonde's voice as she recounted the events of her lover's life as though it were her own.

Quinn listened to the bubbles rise in her throat to keep her tears at bay when it all became too much for her. She listened to her force the words out against her emotions. She watched her fall apart in between the different chapters of Santana's story and pull herself together to continue. She did the same.

They slept to regain energy. They drank wine to allow themselves to cry because the not so sober state allowed them to made holding in the pain in each word harder. They held hands and each other for comfort as it seemed like a never ending tell without a happy ending in sight.

When Brittany was done they momentarily spoke of how she was still so strong, Santana. Monday night they got into the car to drive to Lima. The place that housed all of these stories of a broken little girl whose innocence was stolen, her virtue violated and her security shattered. They drove in silence for the most part only speaking when it was for a rest stop.

Lima looked a lot different to Quinn now. A place she had, for most of her life had been her safe haven, now felt like a prison of torture and despair. On the streets she was certain she could spot tiny pieces of Santana strewn along the pavement. Shreds of her heart, soul and her childhood.

Normally pulling up to their old stomping grounds would give Quinn a sense of nostalgia, but not now and possibly never again. This place, this town did not provide the comfort for her friend as it had for her. This place, Lima, Ohio only embodied the very thing that had demolished Santana's very being. She had been trapped for so long.

Brittany grabbed her hand, squeezed it gently before opening her door. Quinn followed suit band they headed to the double doors of McKinley. The halls were desolate and silent. The faint chatter could be heard from the auditorium.

They walk in to see the student body filling the seats. Teachers off to the side along with the principal and other faculty members and on stage sat Sue Sylvester and next to her, surprisingly Emma Pillsbury. The older women were whispering to one another and smiling fondly off to the side of the stage.

Brittany led Quinn to the front now where they took seats. Emma spots Brittany and waves, getting up from her seat and comes over to the end of the stage.

"Hello girls." She greets with her infectious smile. "You both look so grown up." She compliments.

"How is she?" Brittany inquires nervously.

"She's a little nervous but, she's ready." Emma solemnly informs her, glancing off to the side. "She's going to be happy to see you both in front." She grins at Brittany and then turns to Quinn giving an approving nod.

"Hey babe." A familiar voice comes from beside them and Brittany smiles jumps from her seat to fly into her girlfriends arms. "Mmm, maybe we should be separated more often." Santana jokes after a kiss and Brittany playfully slaps her.

"Definitely not." Brittany mumbles nuzzling her face into the crook of Santana's neck. The Latina smiles, wrapping her arms around Brittany and she looks over the blonde's shoulder and her eyes fall onto Quinn, she nods.

"Hey Q." Santana smiles with relief.

"S." Quinn replies, trying her hardest not to cry but her quivering lip is failing her attempt. Knowing everything now, she wonders how she is able to smile, stand, breathe… live.


	13. Forever Infinity and Beyond

**_Hey friends, sorry so long no update. This story has reached its end and perhaps somewhere deep down I didn't want to see it go. But, as much as I may have wanted to hold on to it I'm sure we can all agree that an ending is due here. I have put a lot of work into this story, this chapter too espcially considering how long it's taken to publish, and so I just hope that it was enjoyed._**

**_I'm not going to leave a long A/N for you but I do want to thank all of you for your support with this piece. I may do an epilogue, but I think I will leave that up to you. Let me know. Until then, it's been one hell of a ride. :)_**

* * *

**Forever Infinity... and Beyond**

"_Stop it, stop it!" Santana yelled, her fists tightly clenched and beat against Brittany's chest. She wouldn't have moved, even if her back wasn't pressed up against the wall of the Latina's bedroom._

_She stood there, helplessly, as Santana's cheeks became soaked with tears that left tracks from her makeup all the way down to her chin. She watched on with frustration and a heavy heart as the shorter girl's lower lip quivered, her lips parted and her throat visibly moved up and down as she gasped for air. Her hands came up with the intention of somehow comforting the girl who was slamming the sides of her hands against the front of her body, but, she couldn't. It's not that she didn't want to, because she did._

"_Don't touch me!" She screamed out, her hot breath hit Brittany's face but the blonde barely flinched. "I'm disgusting." Her voice was lower but not any softer as her body racked with sobs that were out of her control. Brittany's brow furrowed, her lower lip jut out making tiny indents in her chin and her eyes dimmed a paler blue._

_It didn't happen that often, but when it did it was always the same. Something, anything really, would set her off and she would push the blonde's hands away from her not wanting to be touched or she would yell at her to stop looking at her 'like that'. It was as though everything, all of the memories and nightmares would bombard her at once and would make her skin crawl that it burned to be touched. _

_One time, only once, it had gotten so bad that she pulled her fist back and punched a hole through the sheet rock in the hall. It shocked the both of them, eyes wide and mouths open because her fist had gone into the wall barely inches away from Brittany's head. It had only made her cry more, that moment more shameful of a feeling than anything else._

"_Santana." Brittany finally found her voice, her voice was pleading with her girlfriend, needing her to at least look at her. "Please." She said the word sounding so scared and worried, letting her hands fall to her sides and digging her finger nails into her palms as she waited patiently._

_She had tried, she really did, to lift her head up and find those gloriously blue eyes to bring her back. But, she couldn't. It was too hard to. So instead, she stepped back finally letting her arms drop in front of her and stared down at her fists and watched them loosen from the tightness they had been bunched up in. There were red half moon marks in the palms of her hands and she stumbled backwards lifting them up to her face. Her eyebrows scrunched together, her head shook and she gazed at them as though they were foreign and didn't belong to her._

"_Santana." Brittany stepped forward to get her attention but Santana only stepped further away, continued to shake her head and turned away._

_It was half of a second really, when they look back on it, but it felt like forever and kind of like slow motion. But in that half of a second Santana spun around and darted out of her room, through the door and all but sprinted down the hallway towards the bathroom. Brittany was quick to react and did her best to chase her girlfriend down but was only met with a door slamming in her face. She gripped the door knob right away and jerked it but was only met with the metal to fight her, it was locked._

_Her eyes scanned the door, like she was trying to think of some way to open it without the knob or maybe to unhinge it but there was no other way in. Her palms laid flat against the wood and her eyes stared up at the top of the door where it met the molding and her chest stuttered as her vision became blurry._

"_Santana!" She yelled through the door with desperation, pulling her hand back and slamming it against the door making a slapping sound. Tears had already begun to stream down her face, even before she'd reached the locked door but now they sprung like a fountain in the middle of a park. "Santana stop it!" She screamed, her voice scratching the back of her throat, it burned but she didn't stop calling out to the other girl._

_The sound of the door down the hall went unnoticed by the blonde who had slid down the length of the door, sitting down in front of it with the top of her body leaning against it. The two pairs of feet shuffling quickly down the hall in her direction didn't distract her from slapping her hands against the door begging for Santana to emerge, asking her to stop and telling her 'I love you'. Her crying only became harder when two strong hands lifted her up from under her arms and pulled her away from the door. She reached out for the door, now so far away, and when she felt the warm but shivering body of Mrs. Lopez she turned her head into her chest and sobbed._

_Mr. Lopez turned quickly towards the bathroom door after pulling Brittany from in front of it and kicked it open with haste. There, on the floor of the second floor bathroom at the Lopez house was Santana. She was sitting down, her pants off and thrown off into the corner and the ground beneath her were little trails of blood. The sight of the blood made Mrs. Lopez cry out and turn her head, doing her best to shield Brittany from it but it was too late. The guttural scream that came from her throat echoed throughout the otherwise quiet house._

_The two women sitting on the ground in the hallway watched helplessly as Mr. Lopez lifted his daughter in his arms, just as he used to when she was a little girl, and carry her out. Her arm fell limply down to her side, her crying subsided and her gaze void of anything and everything. Her head turned towards the two women and her eyes seemed fixed on her mother huddled into Brittany's body to keep her there and calm. They were darker than usual, her eyes, and glassy but not from crying. They watched them both disappear down the steps until they could no longer see him or her, the last image of that moment was Santana's hand hanging from behind her father's back._

* * *

"My name is Santana Lopez." She says into the microphone, her hands lean on the podium as her eyes scan the crowd even though she can't really make out the faces because of the lights shining on her. She smiles and nods politely, waiting for the sound of her own voice echoing off of the auditorium walls to stop. "I am twenty five years old. I am a girl. I am a Latina. I am a lesbian." She hears a few howls from the back rows and fights the urge to roll her eyes. Shifting from one foot to the other she clears her throat and licks her lips, sucking in the lower one and biting gently on it for encouragement to continue. "I am a victim."

The room is silent, except for the sound of a chair squeaking somewhere in the far right of the room and the electrical current running through the cord connected to the microphone. She tucks a few hairs behind her ear, her eyes dart down to the podium briefly as though she has notes to consult but there are none to distract her. With a deep breath she lifts her head once again and offers the sea of students a tight lipped smile.

"Victim." She chuckles to herself as the word leaves her mouth. Her head dips down, chin to chest, and she shakes her head from side to side before looking up once more. "I used to hate that word." She tells the room of minds waiting to be molded and she remembers being one of them. "It sounded so… degrading." She lets out in a sort of disgust, the memory of her first encounter with the thought, the idea and the feeling of being a victim. "Demoralizing." She states a little louder, her hands gripping the sides of the top part of the podium. "Inferior."

Santana looks to the front row, her eyes going automatically to her right knowing that what she is searching for is in that direction. There they are, those blue eyes. She breathes easy for a few seconds, staring into those blue orbs that are low enough from the spot light above to see clearly. Brittany nods with a sad smile on her face.

"I thought if I was a _victim_ then I was nothing." The Latina lowers her eyes to one of her hands and watches it as she forcibly loosens her grip. "It took me years to finally come to terms with what being a victim meant." She shrugs her shoulders and gives the students an honest and innocent look. "I'm still learning."

* * *

_Brittany sat silently in the passenger seat and stared out the window. She hadn't so much as said a word, breathed a heavy sigh or cleared her throat since her mother picked her up. Mrs. Pierce came as soon as she got the call from Santana's mother. The woman had been hysterical on the other line and it didn't matter that she and her husband had been fast asleep. She didn't even have shoes on._

_Her hands gripped the steering wheel a little tighter as her eyes flickered over in her daughter's direction. She didn't need to ask questions, she'd seen the blood. It wasn't a lot but, when it comes to your kid, any sight of it is enough. She swallowed hard, trying to wipe the memory of Mrs. Lopez on her hands and knees in the bathroom scrubbing the tiles and the floor mat, all the while trying to calmly sooth Brittany._

_The trip from the Lopez's to the Pierce's is short, it could barely be called a 'trip'. She pulled the minivan into their driveway, their street so quiet and dim. She didn't say 'home sweet home' like she usually did whenever she parked, in fact it hadn't even occurred to her that she didn't say it. The engine stopped, she flipped the lights off and she sat back into her seat letting the keys dangle from the ignition._

_Their garage door was in front of them and as she stared at it she wondered if it always looked that dull. It was a yellow color and in the sun it looked bright, or at least when they first painted it. But then, with the lamps from the street lighting it up she couldn't help but notice how plain it was. It may as well have been painted gray._

_Her body didn't move, she couldn't find the energy to move it and it didn't appear to want to move on its own. But motion from the corner of her eye caught her attention and she turned her head to find her husband darting out of the house and run towards them. She saw his face screw up and his body come to a complete halt as his eyes fell to their daughter in the passenger seat. Mrs. Pierce watched him take slow, small steps towards the door, sadness taking over his usually bright colored eyes._

_The click of the door handle being pulled open brought the older woman back to the present and she shook her head. She pulled the keys from the ignition and forced her body to leave the confines of the driver's side seat. It felt like a silent movie. They moved, they pulled things open, shut them closed again, they walked, they breathed and yet she could hear nothing. _

_Brittany barely moved with knowledge. Her father's hands on her should and back are what made her walk. He directed her up the steps and to the front door and lead her into her room where he placed her to bed, much like he used to when she was a small girl. He watched her lie down and how she had the mechanics of the act down but, it was more something to do than for the comfort of what lying down usually does for a person._

_She stared off as he lifted the blanket up to her chin and brought his hand to brush her hair from her face. He craned his neck and leaned his face closer to hers thinking he heard her say something. But it was a bunch of muttering and mumbled words. He frowned, pressed his lips to her forehead and told her that he loved her._

* * *

Santana steps away from the podium, taking the microphone from its holder and walks off to the side needing to walk as she speaks. She glances behind her to find Miss Pillsbury and Coach Sylvester watching her and giving her nods of approval. Fidgeting with the microphone momentarily she turns her attention back towards the kids sitting in the auditorium seats, waiting to hear her story.

"I never thought I'd be a statistic." She admits with a hint of irritation but laced with sadness. "I never thought I'd be part of that percent group but truth is the odds were against me." She stops walking, points her finger towards the audience whose faces she can't see and shakes her hand. "One out of every six women in America has been the victim of an attempted or competed rape." She shakes her head in disbelief, her hand comes down to her side and she unconsciously plays with the top hem of her skirt. "That's nearly eighteen million women who have been sexually assaulted." Her legs start moving again, letting her words hang in the air for a few moments. "One in every six." She repeats slower.

Santana makes her way back towards the podium but keeps the microphone in her hand staring out into the filled seats. She takes a deep breath and lets out a long sigh.

"Twenty-nine percent of sexual assault and rape victims are between the ages of twelve and seventeen." She tells them, kind of sounding like she is reading it from a pamphlet but she's not. This information has, over time, etched itself into her brain and for that she finds a bit of comfort. "I was twelve when I was first raped." There are some gasps, throats being cleared, the sound of chairs squeaking once again bounces off of the walls and she waits for a few moments. "Ninety-three percent of juvenile sexual assault victims know their attacker. I knew the boy who raped me on my thirteenth birthday." She looks to the left, the third or fourth row at a girl with blonde hair, then to the boy in the row ahead and a little to the right with his football jersey on before looking straight ahead again. "Fifty-eight percent of those attackers were acquaintances. The boy who raped me was my older brother's best friend."

Santana sets the microphone back onto the stand and brings her hands down to the front of her skirt and smoothes it out.

"I don't want to throw numbers out at you but these are the facts, the statistics of sexual assault and rape and I am part of those percents." She explains to the crowd. "What's just as important to know, besides the sad numbers of how many of us are out there, is that… just like me being a girl, being a Latina, a lesbian and my never ending increase in age, I cannot change the fact that I am a victim." Her head shakes, as though that proves her point. "It's something I live with everyday. It's something I've had to carry around with me since I was twelve years old, even when I wasn't even sure what had really happened." She looks off to the left again but this time not at anyone or anything in particular, she doesn't want tears to come and she tries to suck them back in. With a long breath in then out she turns back to the students. "It's something my loved ones have to live with as well… something they carry around too." Briefly she glances in Brittany and Quinn's direction but does her best not to stare. "They may not have been there to save me from my attackers but they saved me from myself in the aftermath of it all." Santana nods her head a few times, being able to recall several times how just a look from the blonde helped her. "Victims of sexual assault are thirteen times more likely to abuse alcohol." She raises her hand, and then puts it down. "Victims of sexual assault are six times more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder." She raises her hand again, and then puts it down. "Victims of sexual assault are four times more likely to contemplate suicide." She raises her hand a third time and then puts it back down.

* * *

_Mr. Lopez came out of the room, his face sullen and eyes drooped from lack of sleep. He had his lab coat on but he didn't seem to be working considering he was not on the surgical floor where he would be. He rubbed his face, closed his eyes tight and let out a long sigh. His feet dragged under him as he walked over towards the chairs set against the wall in front of the nurse's station._

_Mrs. Pierce stood up, her hand on Brittany's shoulder and she offered Mr. Lopez a kind but concerned smile. He greeted her with the best smile he could muster given the circumstances and he nodded his head. Brittany stared out into the small space between her mother's body and Mr. Lopez's. The tiles of the hospital floor were avocado green and an ugly brown color that she couldn't help but think that Santana would most definitely have something to say about the decorator. But as amusing as the thought was, she couldn't find it in her to laugh._

_A hand wrapping itself on her bicep tugged her up to a standing position and soon she was on her feet. Everything looked blurry and she couldn't figure out if she was tired or still crying but luckily the hand was still on her arm leading her down the corridor. They all stopped in front of a room, number 5461, and Mr. Lopez's large body stepped in front of her view. Her eyes slowly lifted but all she could see was his mouth moving no matter how hard she tried to find his eyes._

"_She's sedated, but," She sees his mustache twitch and the left side of his mouth curl up sadly. "She's been asking for you since this morning. I don't even know if she realizes it." Brittany didn't hear any more of what he was saying; she walked by him and nudged the slightly closed door open._

_The room was quiet, but she was used to silence for the past few hours so she didn't mind it. Her eyes immediately fell onto the only bed in the room. It was small, white and bright. Santana looked so tiny in that small bed. Her arms thinner, her skin paler than normal and her eyes so very tired. They were closed and Brittany could see the easy rise and fall of her chest as she breathed._

_Her feet moved awkwardly over the smooth tiles of the room's floor. Her legs wanting to take large steps but unable to do so. Upon finally reaching the bed she reached a hand up to touch her girlfriend, but she jerked her hand back before making contact. Instead, she brought her leg next to Santana's on the bed and then hoisted the rest of her body up until she was lying beside the smaller girl._

_She buried her head into Santana's neck, taking in her scent with long breathes. The place on the pillow where her cheek rested became moist with tears that just seemed to freely flow from the corners of her eyes. She draped her arm across Santana's middle, squeezing her side gently and kisses the spot on her neck her lips could reach._

"_**Cause you're my, you're my, my**__," She began to sing softly against Santana's skin. "__**My true love, my whole heart, please don't throw that away**__." Their parents stood at the door where they watched and listened. "__**Cause I'm here for you. Please don't walk away. And please tell me you'll stay**__." Mrs. Pierce sniffled and excused herself._

_Mr. Lopez nodded with understanding. He grabbed the handle to the door of his daughter's hospital room, standing still for a few more minutes to hear the sweet sound of her best friend's voice._

"_**I will never let you fall. I'll stand up with you forever. I'll be there for you through it all. Even if saving you sends me to Heaven**__."_

* * *

"I thought, for some reason, that I deserved all of these things, but no one does." Santana shakes her head. As a child, when something breaks, ruined or goes missing blame is automatically placed on someone else, but here the only place that seemed worthy of blame is on oneself. The Latina found it kind of ironic when her recent therapist had explained it. "It took me a long time to figure out that _I_ was the victim. I was the one who was wronged. I was the one who was hurt and pushed. Me." She points to herself, index finger sharply pressing into her chest. "And it might sound strange, all things considered, but I am one of the lucky ones." Her voice echoes back to her and even though she cannot see them all she can feel every pair of eyes in the room on her. Most of them anyhow.

Her fist comes to her cover her mouth as she coughs to clear her throat and sniffles because of the now awkward silence emanating off of the crowd. Again, she lets her eyes scan as much of the people in front of her as she can, squinting a bit when the light gets too much in her eyes.

"Yes, lucky. I mean, there were times I thought that I wasn't going to survive, times when I wished I would just die and times when I thought that I was going to be killed. And like I admitted before, there were times, I even thought of taking me own life." It's something she has only said to her therapist, her parents and her girlfriend. She'd never actually told perfect strangers or even her best friend who she cannot bring herself to glance over at just yet. "But, like I said, I was lucky because I had people who loved me and made sure I knew it."

She glances over her shoulder to find Miss Pillsbury offering her a subtle smile and a nod of the head. Her hand reaches just below the podium and she grabs the bottle of water she had stowed away long before the assembly commenced. After a quick sip she twists the cap on and places it back underneath.

"Family is big, when dealing with sexual assault. They can be there for you, they will always be there for you no matter what." She wipes the corner of her mouth as she speaks to make sure she has no water dripping down her face. "Sure, there's that fear of judgment, I had it. Afraid that they were going to think I asked for it because I was a cheerleader and went to parties with jocks. Because I wore short skirts and tight tops or because I wore my hair a certain way and put on too much makeup." Her head shakes from side to side, her lips sucked tightly into a fine line across her face. "I'm not going to sugar coat my story for the sake of 'age appropriate' material." She explains harshly. "When I was your age, I was probably the most sexual person at this school." She states as fact. "Because of what I had gone through, I had lost all self respect, sexual morals, had no thought to the consequences of my actions because I figured it was the hand I was dealt." After a deep breath and a long sigh, she nods a little to herself.

"I was called promiscuous, although in high school the terms used are whore, slut, school bicycle and all those other terms with the same connotation." Her fingers fiddle with the top of the water bottle hidden beneath the podium. "Having been sexually assaulted over a dozen times before I even _got_ to high school I decided to _be_ that girl on my own terms. If I had sex with a guy and the next day people are calling names well then so what, right? At least it happened because _I_ wanted it to." She chuckles, tossing her head back slightly for effect. "Saying it now, years later, it's amazing how foolish one can be as a teenager. Teachers, parents, even television tells us to talk to someone, that there are places to go and people to trust. But we are afraid. Because," She pauses, makes eye contact with a few of the students she can actually see and she shrugs. "Maybe we did ask for it. Maybe we did wear that short skirt for attention." Her lower lip juts out as if thinking it over and nods. "Maybe we did wear that tight top and too much makeup and those boots our mom told us not to wear for fear of giving off the wrong impression. Maybe we did do it to ourselves.

And that's our biggest fear, as a victim. That it was _my_ fault. How could _I_ let this happen to_ me_?" Her finger is pointing into her chest again, her eyebrows furrowed and her jaw clenches. "And then we punish ourselves. I punished myself, in a variety of ways too." She leans her forearms onto the podium and shifts from one foot to the other. "My body no longer felt like my own and so I gave it away to whoever was willing. They took advantage of the fact that I seemed as sexually driven as them. I put myself in horrible situations, not just sexually, but emotionally. I wasn't helping myself." She shakes her head. "When I realized that didn't help suppress my shame or guilt I resorted to cutting myself. It would get too much for me to bottle it all up and I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't tell my parents and I was afraid and embarrassed to tell my brother because it was about sex." She crinkled her nose at having 'sex' and her 'brother' in the same sentence and it got a few chuckles from the crowd but half hearted ones.

"And I couldn't tell my best friend because I didn't want her to stop looking at me like I was the greatest person in the world." She admits softly and her eyes flitter in the direction of Brittany. "I didn't want her to stop loving me because I loved her back and I was so afraid to lose that. I thought if she knew, if I told her, she would see me as I felt. Gross, used, trash." Brittany shakes her head, barely noticeable, and reaches to grab Quinn's hand that is resting on the arm rest.

* * *

_Brittany knocks a few times on the front door of the Lopez house only to be met with silence. She shrugged, figuring Santana was still getting ready, showering or listening to music or something that would make her unaware of the blonde's presence. Their 10:30am class at Lima Community College was in twenty minutes so there was enough time for her to be running late for Brittany's pick up. The blonde found the front door open and let herself in, carefully closing it behind her._

_Automatically, she headed for the stairs but light from the kitchen caught her eyes. With a furrowed brow she headed in that direction. When she walked in she was met with the sight of glass broken and strew all over the floor, the label of Bacardi still attached to a big shard, clear liquid spilled around and Santana on her knees staring at the mess._

"_Santana?" Brittany let out, the words coming out with a breath. The Latina's head snapped upon hearing a voice, her eyes glassy and red letting the blonde know that before the bottle fell to the floor, some if the alcohol had been consumed. Santana's stare was pleading and she shook her head._

"_I didn't…" She mumbled, looking down at the pieces of glass. "I wasn't gonna…" She slurred and pointed to the mess between them. "I… I'm…" She sobbed and brought her hands up to cover her face. "I'm sorry baby." Santana whimpered into her hands, falling forward into her own lap. "Don't leave me, I didn't… I can't…" Brittany carefully walked around the spilled liquor and jagged pieces of broken glass to make her way over to her hysterical girlfriend._

_Once she knelt down beside her, Santana clung to her and cried into her chest. Her fingers bunched up the blonde's shirt into her fists, securing contact between them._

"_Oh sweetheart." Brittany breathed out, her voice shook and Santana's cries, whimpers and sobs reeked of her father's rum as she desperately pushed her body into Brittany's. "What do you need?" Brittany asked gently, her hand smoothing over the Latina's back. "What can I do?"_

"_Help me." Santana told her, half begging and half demanding. "I need help." She choked out through a violent rack of sobs in her chest._

* * *

"'They' say that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem." Santana announces, using finger quotes when she says 'they'. "Well, I don't know who the hell 'they' are but 'they're' right. I do have a problem. I have been assaulted, not just sexually but physically and emotionally. Damn right there's a problem here." She points to herself and grabs the microphone from its stand once again. "But I didn't want help, I wanted to forget… Jesus, I didn't even want to admit something was wrong." Casually and calmly, with mic in hand, she glides across the stage with her eyes on the ground in front of her as she walks. Like the next words to come out are written there for her to read. "So I drank." It's honest, truthful and innocent the way it comes out. "The drinking really didn't get bad until after I had finally started going to therapy and I didn't want to live in that reality. The dimension that had me raped at twelve years old by a friend of my cousins or the world where it almost became a form of initiation for a guy on the football team to have their way with me in the back seat of their parent's car." She stops somewhere over at the left side of the stage, her free hand comes up to flip her hair from her shoulder and she grips the back of her neck in a comforting way.

"I didn't want to relive the night when I was sixteen and was raped by my brother's best friend during a family party." She spoke so softly into the microphone that, if it hadn't been in her hand she is sure no one would have heard her say a word. "I didn't want to go over these things, that night, because I didn't know how to explain it. How was this still happening to me? I have a girlfriend, I'm happy." Her direction changes until she is walking around the front of the stage to nowhere of particular interest.

"There are stages of the array of emotions." She holds up her free hand in a loose fist and pokes her thumb out. "Fear, so we don't tell anyone." Another finger. "Sadness, we blame ourselves for what happened." Another finger pokes out. "Anger, we hate ourselves because of what happened." A fourth and fifth finger joins in and she wiggles them in the air. "Shame and guilt, we punish and hurt ourselves."

* * *

_The window was open that day and the sound of the city traffic below, like a hand on a clock ticking away the seconds and minutes. The blonde stood, opting not to sit, perhaps it was a form of protest or maybe she couldn't keep still. Santana, across from her, stayed seated in the uncomfortable chair at their table. They hadn't spoken much since Brittany returned from a very long walk after waking up early in the morning. Well, Santana assumed it had to have been early considering her girlfriend was gone by the time she'd woken up._

_The night before was blurry at best but she remembered most of it. Shots at the bar down the block, a six pack from the deli across the way and the bottle, bottles of alcohol at home. There was yelling, things may have gotten knocked over during, before or maybe even after. Brittany's side of the bed looked untouched when she opened her eyes that morning and when she investigated she couldn't help but wonder if the girl had slept at all. It's also possible she cried, if the tracks of last night's makeup covering her cheeks were anything to go by._

_Movement from ahead of her caught her attention; Brittany was shaking her head, her lips pursed and her forehead creased with worry and a hint of disappointment. Santana hated that look, from anyone, but more from Brittany. She didn't want the blonde to be disappointed in her, she'd never been before and the sight of that look on her face nearly broke her heart in half. _

_The blonde's mouth opened, closed and opened again. Her head stopped shaking and she ran her fingers through her hair, slowly, as though gathering her thoughts. She bit her lower lip, her forehead relaxed but only for a second. Brittany lifted her head and looked into Santana's brown, frightened eyes._

"_I can't do this anymore." Brittany sighed, closed her eyes and tossed her head back in aggravation doing her best to not let it come out in her tone of voice. "I can't watch you do this any longer."_

_Santana opened her mouth to speak, but when nothing came out she didn't fight it, so she closed her mouth and waited._

"_Santana, I am not giving you an ultimatum. It's not going to be __**me**__ or __**this**__." Brittany said, her words the sternest either had ever heard before but still so very soft and caring. "That's not the choice that I am going to give you because no matter what I am not going anywhere. I don't give a shit what you throw my way." She told her, arms crossed over her chest and she looked off to the side to gather herself for a moment. "But, it's either you stop this… this way you're living or you die." Her shoulders shrugged and her head shook from side to side all the while desperately trying to keep her tears in check. "I don't want you to die Santana. I want you to live for a very, very long time. I want to grow old with you by my side but that won't happen like this." She motions towards the bottle of vodka on the middle of the table. "I'm not asking you to do this for me. Do it for yourself. You deserve a world of sunshine and happiness not a world of dreary drunken nights and foggy vision from tears."_

_Santana sat there, her eyes fixed on the blonde's arms still crossed over her chest. At least, she reasoned, her girlfriend had waited to have a talk with her after the hangover faded. But, hangover or not, that conversation sucked. Maybe Brittany wasn't saying 'pick me over booze Santana or I'm leaving you', but she may have well had. Truth was, Santana __**didn't**__ want to even be given a choice to make because there shouldn't have been one __**to**__ make._

_It would be a Brittany move, to preach self love because loving oneself is the most important part of life._

_Santana didn't want to live in a world Brittany did not exist. She didn't want to die either because Brittany would not be there. The Latina knew, just by the way her girlfriend's eyes were bright, that Brittany was destined to live a long, long life. If she died, she would be waiting an eternity to have those arms around her and soft words in whispered in her ear._

* * *

"I didn't realize that by punishing myself I was punishing those around me." Her hand grabs onto the side of the podium and she leans against it. "By cutting myself I frightened my family and my girlfriend. By drinking I jeopardized my own life, my relationships and school. And denying and lying go hand in hand which made me push people away." She steps away from the podium and runs her fingers through her hair. "I was fortunate enough to have one of the greatest people to ever walk the planet as my best friend. She listened to me the night I finally exploded and told her everything. She didn't judge me or look at me with the disgust I had imagined. She didn't hate me and leave me like I thought she was going to." She shakes her head, walks back over to the podium and places the microphone back into the stand.

"Brittany held me as I cried. She told me she loved me even after I told her that someone else's hands had been on my naked body while we were dating." She swallows hard, this part never got easier over time. "She held me tighter and told me she wasn't going anywhere." She half rolls her eyes because she is trying to stop the water works from coming, she's successful and she chuckles at herself but only lightly. "And she hasn't gone anywhere. Even when I was cutting and drinking every day, she didn't leave like I thought she was going to do. I was wrong about that part of what I thought were rational fears."

She grabs her water bottle once again and takes a quick sip, slowly twists the cap on and places it back. Her eyes narrow ahead of her, she remembers a clock being on the far wall and even though she can't see it tries. She wonders how long she has been talking for and if these kids are still listening. She hopes they are.

"It is still something I think about. How can it not be?" She asks the rhetorical question, leaving a gap of silence between her words for emphasis. "But it doesn't run and ruin my life like it did in the past. I still have a life to live after all."

* * *

"_Hi." Brittany greeted shyly, her eyes darted from browns to the side of them where there were blue plastic chairs set out._

"_Hi." Santana replied in the same way, nervous and unsure. She motioned towards the chairs, seeing the blonde glancing at them and they took seats across from one another, knees barely touching._

"_I wanted to come sooner, but, they said that the first week is detox?" She explained with uncertainty. Santana nodded, letting the other girl know she used the right terminology. They stared back at one another, time nothing but something ticking away and silence the background of their current state. "I miss you." Brittany admitted, her eyes betrayed her and fall to her hands in her lap._

"_I miss you too." Santana replied quickly, her hand reached over to cover the blondes and she offered her a weak but genuine smile. Brittany lifted her head to see that smile, no matter how small it was and she returned it. Her hand turned around in Santana's and she laced their fingers together. "Brittany… I am so, so sorry." The blonde nodded and she looked down at their clasped hands._

"_Don't be sorry Santana." She said gently, finally looking back up into the other girl's eyes. "Just know that I love you and get better." Her shoulders shrugged, her answer spoken as if the words were written in the sky, so obvious._

"_I love you too." Santana whispered, bringing her other hand to cover Brittany's._

* * *

Sue and Emma make their way from the stage and down to the front of the aisles with microphones in their hands. Slowly, students get up from their seats to form a very short line in front of both faculty members. A young girl, no older than fifteen years of age steps up to the mic in Emma's hand and fidgets in her spot.

"Is it… hard, ya know, having sex with someone after?" The girl asks, her voice shaking with nerves. Some students, mostly boys, giggle at the girl because she said 'sex' but the older women in the room choose to ignore them. Santana clears her throat and loosely grips the front of the podium. "I mean, when you want to and all."

"Well, it's different." Santana settles on after a short deliberation in her head. "When you're with someone who loves you and you love in return you _feel_ it. It was hard to separate the two at first, my assaults and the times I wanted it. Sex is a natural thing to want to do and I would be fine but after I'd feel like I did something I wasn't supposed to do. Luckily, my girlfriend is a very patient and understanding person." She smiles politely at the girl hoping that she answered her thoroughly enough and turns towards Sue who has the next teenager at the microphone.

"How did you get over that? Doesn't like, that kind of thing stay with you?" The young brunette girl asks, her hands behind her back and her head tilts to the side letting her Cheerio's ponytail hit her shoulder.

"Like I said before, it definitely _does_ stay with you. Things like assault, emotional and physical abuse, rape… you never forget." She begins, letting her hands slide down to the bottom of the podium top. It would be foolish to think you can forget it. You never forget, you never get over it. But, you have to move on with your life." She reminds them. "I wasn't going to let it rule me, define me. I used to think I was weak, because that's the stigma with being a victim. But I took that, being a victim and I took ownership of that. You can be the strongest person and still be a victim." She points out, the girl who asked the question nodding her head as Santana speaks. "After I finally spoke out about it and told someone, I felt… I felt like I had been imprisoned for an eternity and then suddenly, I saw light."

The Cheerio nods, smiles politely and spins around to head back to her seat and Santana turns back to Emma who has another student waiting to ask a question.

* * *

"_How is she?" Mrs. Pierce asked, taking the bowl from wet hands and drying it with a dish towel. There was a sigh, soft and almost not there, but she heard it._

"_Amazing." She whispered, placing her hands on edge of the sink and looking out the window to the backyard. There was a twinge of a smile on her lips and she let it take over her features. "She is really just amazing Mrs. P." Santana looked over at her girlfriend's mother who in return gave her a knowing look._

"_I'm convinced that she has no idea how to be anything else." The older woman joked, setting the now dry bowl onto the counter. They stood there in silence, briefly, but it was still there._

"_I'm sorry Mrs. P." Santana let out softly and hung her head. "For everything I've put her through." Mrs. Pierce gave the young girl a strange look, eyebrows furrowed and mouth agape._

"_Darling, that girl would walk through fire for you." She told her, bringing her hand up to rub smooth circles to her back. _

"_It's been so hard and… I don't want to hold her back from… everything." Santana admitted quietly, lifting her head to look over at the woman consoling her. Mrs. Pierce shook her head and offered the tiny girl a kind and knowing smile._

"_You are her everything Santana." She watched on as her words sunk into Santana, the way her face fell, then how she smiled shyly and then how her eyes became a little glassy._

"_I know." Santana replied easily enough, but did her best not to sound so cocky about it which earned a chuckle from the older blonde. "I guess that's what I mean." She shrugged, chewed on her lower lip and averted her eyes for a moment. Mrs. Pierce nodded once and twisted her lips._

"_Well, that's up to you." Mrs. Pierce said. "You are still working on you and that's important. It's important to her for you to do that, she knows this." She explained carefully, pulling the smaller girl into her and rested her cheek to the top of Santana's head. "She knows you love her, she doesn't question that."_

"_Yeah, I know she doesn't but," She paused, dropped the plastic cup she'd been washing back into the sink and sighed. "I want her to be proud of me, not worry about me." Her head turned up when she heard Mrs. Pierce scoff at her statement and she looked at the woman in confusion._

"_I've never seen a woman so proud of the one she loves." Mrs. Pierce exclaimed, turning her body to fully face the young Latina. "You should be able to see that of all people. The way she looks into your eyes, it radiates from her very being." The older woman chuckled to herself, shaking her head in disbelief and shooting a quick glance out the window to the backyard where the rest of the Pierce's and Lopez's were. "The way she watches you when you're oblivious. I've never seen a prouder woman." Santana half smiled and turned her head away bashfully._

_They go back to doing the dishes in silence, watching their families chatting away outside. Santana washed and Mrs. Pierce dried, an assembly line of perfection. When they were done, water turned off and dishes clean they wiped their hands on dish rags before heading back out, with Santana leading the way._

"_Santana," Mrs. Pierce called out and when the girl turned around she realized that the woman was not following her outside, but was still standing in front of the kitchen window. "She told me that she thinks you're the strongest person she's ever met. You're funny and goofy and that you make her feel special." She smiled, that genuine Pierce smile not that there were any other kind. "And maybe this isn't my place and I don't want to freak you out, but, she wants to marry you one day." She shrugged her shoulders, her smile now slightly lopsided and she tilted her head. "I don't know of a woman who'd wanna be on the arm of someone she ain't proud of."_

* * *

"I'd like to take this time to thank you all for your good behavior today." Emma says into the microphone. "And I think we all owe a round of applause for our guest speaker once again, Santana Lopez." She motions behind her to where Santana is now sitting in her seat beside Sue. The Latina smiles politely and waves out to the kids who are clapping for her. "Thank you so much for coming forward with your story. It takes courage to speak out," She looks over her shoulder and gives Santana a nod. "You're very brave."

The clapping soon gives way and the students begin to get up and leave the auditorium. Santana finds herself still sitting beside Sue who she catches shooting annoyed faces at a few students who are lingering off to the sides of the auditorium chatting away. She smirks when she sees her old cheerleading coach walk off stage for a moment only to return with her megaphone in hand and march down the steps.

"Thank you again Santana." Miss Pillsbury's voice catches her attention and she inwardly shakes her head at herself for still referring to the woman with her maiden name. "I hope that your story not only provided the students with viable information but perhaps give strength to those who may have gone through anything similar." The woman carefully says not sure how to word herself but the Latina smiles kindly and nods as she gets up from her chair.

"Thank you." She tells the older woman, reaching out to shake her hand. They shake for a few seconds until deciding that a handshake is not enough and fall into an embrace. "Thank you for everything. Just in case I never said so before." Santana whispers for only Miss Pillsbury to hear. When they pull away the ginger haired woman smiles sweetly.

"Keep in touch." Miss Pillsbury says as she turns to walk off stage. Santana nods, smiling still, and tells her that she will without a doubt keep in touch.

Left alone on stage Santana lets out a long sigh. She scans the seats that were filled only moments ago, listening to the story she was once upon a time too afraid to even listen to herself. It's been a long journey, that's for sure. But, as her eyes move around the room she finds herself watching Brittany and Quinn speak and she grins a little wider. Maybe it's been a long journey, but something inside her says the next one is going to be amazing and worth telling over and over again.

She grabs her water bottle from under the podium and makes her way off stage towards the small staircase at the side of the room. Her steps make the steps creak but she pays no mind and turns to walk over towards the two blonde's who are there waiting for her. Her stride slows when the girl's get up from their seats and turn to face her.

"Babe." Brittany greets with open arms as she meets Santana halfway. "You did so good." She mumbles into her girlfriend's neck and hugs her tightly. Santana smiles, her eyes close and she wraps her arms around Brittany's waist. "I'm so proud of you." She whispers before placing a soft kiss to the spot just below the Latina's ear.

"Thank you." Santana replies in the same airy tone, rubbing her hands on the blonde's back and then pulls her head away to grin at the girl in her arms.

They stand there, staring at one another for a few seconds until finally, Santana's gaze shifts a little to the right and her eyes land on to a blonde right behind hers. She clears her throat and steps back a bit from Brittany, letting her hands run down the length of her girlfriend's arms till she finds her hands and grabs one of them with her own. Brittany turns her body and looks over her shoulder at Quinn who is still standing by the seats they had been in for the last hour and a half. Her hands are clasped in front of her, her bangs are slightly swooped in front of her face covering her eyes almost completely but not quite.

"I'll meet you back at your parent's house." Brittany says quietly and leans in to press a kiss to Santana's cheek. The Latina half smiles at the girl at her side, nods, then watches as she walks to Quinn and kisses her cheek as well until she is watching her walk down the aisle of the auditorium and out the door.

Santana takes a deep breath when her eyes meet hazel ones, they look so sad and she desperately hopes that her friend has no intentions of crying though it looks as though she might lose with that one. She steps forward and Quinn sniffles, shakes her head and lifting it up tossing her bangs from her vision and she blinks a few times to hold herself steady. Santana stops about two feet in front of Quinn, giving them some distance because there are still so many things swimming between them with everything considered.

"Did…" Quinn chokes out catching Santana off guard. She truly did not expect Quinn to be the first one to speak after all of this. But, she remained still and silent, patiently waiting for her friend to figure out her words. "Did you not trust me?" The blonde asks, her head tilts to the side and the glisten in her eyes tell the Latina that somewhere deep down she's trying to stay strong. Santana's brow furrows, her head jerks back and her mouth opens quickly ready to spit out 'what', but, she doesn't. She knows this feeling.

She closes her mouth, takes another breath and finally closes the gap between them, bringing her hands up to rest them on Quinn's shoulders. Her head shakes slowly and she looks deeply into those eyes that are turning greener by the second with heavy emotion.

"You know that I trust you." Santana tells her. "You've got to know that." Her thumbs rub into her friend's muscles, trying to calm her down. The twitch in Quinn's nose warns them both just how hard holding these tears in is becoming.

"Then," She sniffles, her head bobs as she does so. "Why did you…" Quinn shakes her heads, words getting hard to find in order to put her feelings verbally. Santana frowns, she's never really seen Quinn have difficulty with expressing herself, not since high school anyhow. So, she turns them towards the first row of seats and leads them over to sit down. Quinn allows herself to be led into the seat and she easily finds her hands clasped within Santana's.

"Why did I take so long to tell you?" Santana asks, trying to figure out what Quinn is trying to say. The blonde closes her mouth, muffling the sound of a sob and she nods quickly letting her free hand come up to wipe a tear away with the back of her index finger. "Don't do that." The Latina tells her, reaching up and grabbing her friend's wrist. "Don't you dare cry." Quinn shoots her a confused look. "

* * *

"_In our last session, you and Brittany told me that your friend Quinn is going to be moving in with the two of you." The doctor said, reading off of a legal pad set on her lap and Santana nodded when the woman looked up from the spot her pen was pointed at. The therapist nodded as well and scribbled something short on her pad, Santana only watched on with her hands clasped in her lap. "And she's a friend from high school."_

"_Yes." Santana spoke up, shifting in her seat and crossed her legs. "The three of us were… are best friends ever since freshman year." She explained in more detail knowing that the woman in front of her liked when she offered description._

"_Brittany and I shared some of the same questions and concerns, if I recall correctly." The doctor glanced at Santana over the rim of her glasses, taking them off and sitting back in her chair comfortably while she waited for the Latina to reply. Santana's lips twisted and her hands started to fidget in her lap as she nodded slowly. "You have to understand that although nothing will change with the presence of your friend, it __**will **__be different. Instead of coming home to one person asking how your day was and where you've been off to, you're going to have two. And one of them isn't exactly privy to your schedule."_

"_I know this." Santana immediately responded, but bit her tongue knowing how snappy she'd sounded. "I mean, I know that she's probably going to question the nights I have AA, therapy and other things but, I just…" Her shoulders shrugged and her gaze off to the side._

"_You just what, Santana?" The doctor leaned forward, tucked her fist under her chin and waited for Santana to answer. The young woman let her body sink into the leather couch in her therapists office and sighed a long breathe._

"_Quinn's… she's like, the only one I know, who knows me without knowing." Santana tried to explain. "You know?" The doctor chuckled and set her back into her chair once again, nodding. "I guess I kind of want to keep her from that, this crap, for now." Her hand came up and she tucked some hair behind her ear. "Everyone that I love, they've all been pained because of…" She trailed off, shook her head at herself and leaned her elbow on the arm of the couch._

"_Because of your pain?" The doctor asked in wonderment and almost incredulously. The air between them is silent for a few moments, a stare off between the two women in the room. "How dare they, right?" She spit out with a fire that Santana knew meant she was about to make a point somewhere in this session. "The people who hurt you, how dare they continue to do so by hurting those you hold dear. To have to watch the pained look on the faces of loved ones upon hearing what you've been through, what you're going through still." Her pen tapped on her note pad with some of the words she spoke. "It's understandable to want to keep them from getting that look in their eye, that knot in their gut and their ignorant happiness intact. You've hurt so many already." She sarcastically explained, getting an eye roll from her patient. "But answer me this, can you ever have someone truly and fully in your life, someone who is apparently so important to you, when they only know what you tell them and only see what you allow them to see?"_

* * *

The silence washes over them, hands clasped on Santana's lap, brown eyes trying to find hazel ones. Quinn is breathing evening and with her chin to her chest she begins to nod slowly and subtlely.

"You know that no matter what, I still love you." The blonde finally speaks, lifting her head and looks into Santana's eyes. The Latina smiles, lets out a tiny laugh through her nose and nods.

"Yeah," She says. "I know."

"I'm sorry, I… I don't really know what to say." Quinn lets out, chuckling at herself and wipes her eyes a few more times. "I had so many things planned on the way here but, now, I have nothing." Santana's smile widens and she leans in to rest her head against her friends.

"You don't need to say anything." She assures the blonde, switches her right hand with her left hand to hold Quinn's and takes her right to drape her arm around her shoulders.

"I don't even know what to do." She admits quietly, letting her body fall into Santana's comfortably. The Latina turns her head and presses a kiss to the blonde's temple.

"You're doing it." Santana whispers, kisses her temple again and rubs her hand up and down Quinn's arm. "Perfectly."

* * *

_Brittany walked up to the tiny, wooden podium. The room was pretty silence, save for the few coughs and throats being cleared, but for the most part it was dead quiet. It was bright, the lights lit everything up and she was certain that the strangers in the room could see her chest thumping and bumping away. She wasn't a shy person but there was something frightening about having to speak in front of a group, especially people she didn't know. But, she reasoned, it was for Santana and what was good for Santana was good for her in the long run._

_When Santana had told her on the phone about family and friend night she was excited. She figured they'd stand around and eat cookies and drink coffee or something that groups like AA did on television. But then Santana explained that it was part of their recovery and sobriety that family and friends were invited to share their side of the story. She wasn't sure what that meant, she'd heard Santana's story, several times and it never got better. The blonde wondered what her girlfriend meant by telling 'her side'._

_The folded pieces of paper in her hand crinkled as she placed it on top of the podium. It had taken her days to write it and took up front and back of almost two pages. She had thought about going into the gathering and winging it, but, she was never much with off the cuff verbalization. So, she settled for a letter._

_Her eyes scanned the group who sat in rows in front of her, until she found Santana's dark brown eyes looking back at her. The Latina gave her an encouraging smile and nod. Her fingers played with the edges of the papers, opening them slowly until they lay flat to the wooden desk top. She cleared her throat as she read in her mind the first two words. Then with a quick breath and a tiny gulp she decided to just read._

"_**Dear Santana**__," She started, her eyes glanced up momentarily, a habit from having to do oral reports in school. "__**I am afraid.**__" Saying those words out loud for the first time felt so foreign, but at the same time so freeing. "__**I wish you could understand why, because, sometimes it's hard for me to say exactly what I mean. I love you, and that scares me because I think that you don't get just how much I do**__."_

_Her feet shifted from side to side and she flattened the papers out a little more to distract herself from getting self conscious. She blinked a few times because she didn't want to start crying in the middle of the room, especially with the attention solely on her._

"_**Sometimes, at night, I wish on stars to make things better for you, to take away your pain and your tears and your scars. I have even made promises to whoever it is up there, to do whatever just to make you smile today.**__" She smiled sadly at the words she was reading. When she was writing this letter, she just kept remembering feelings from days past and how hard it was to stand there and see the one she loved hurting so much. "__**It hurts my heart when I see you so broken. When you've been drinking and when you hurt yourself. After a bottle of whatever it is you're drinking, you look so lost and I don't know how to help you find your way back**__." Brittany wiped a tear she'd felt creep out just before it fell from her chin and onto the paper in front of her. She sniffled and shook her head to get her bearings back._

"_**I don't like it when you drink**__." She stated factually. "__**I know you drink to hide, get away or just to numb the pain. But, what about my pain?**__" It was so quiet around her, she couldn't even hear anyone breathing so she dared to look up to make sure she wasn't alone in the room. Everyone was looking back at her and when she found Santana, her girlfriend was crying, eyes fixed on the bottom of the podium. "__**I am in pain too and sometimes I don't think you get it. The bad things that happened, they kill me. Not only because they happened to you but because I couldn't stop them from happening.**__"_

_Someone came up to her and handed her a tissue and it wasn't until she brought her fingers to her cheek did she realize she was crying more than she thought. She dabbed her face, under eyes and her nose before she lifted the paper once again._

"_**I remember that night your parents went out and you were drunk by the time I came over. I had to carry you to bed at 7:30 at night and I sat up watching you sleep to make sure you didn't choke on your vomit. I remember that time you drank so much you slapped my hands away from you, telling me not to touch you. You were so drunk you didn't even know it was me**__." She glanced up to see Santana rubbing her eyes with her fingers, desperately trying to conceal her tears. "__**What sucks is that you don't remember these nights. The nights or days I sat there and made sure you were okay. I was there. I'm still here, because I love you. Sometimes I can't help but think that you're punishing me**__."_

_Her admission was nearly inaudible. It was a whisper of a breath but the room was so freaking quiet that even a pin being dropped was possible to be heard._

"_**Watching you drink until you pass out or become belligerent is the worst kind of torture, because I know why you do it. But the thing is, is I'm not in that numb world Santana. I need you here with me. Your life is not at the bottom of that drink in your hand…**__" She took in a slow, calming breath. Eyes focused on the words she already knew by heart. "__**Your life is here, waiting for you to live it. Your life is my hand in your hand. Maybe sometimes you just forget.**__" Brittany shrugged her shoulders, bit on her lower lip and desperately tried not to look up at Santana. But she could see, out of the corner of her eye, that her girlfriend was lifting her hand to her own eyes, wiping them dry._

"_**So, is this my punishment? Is this what I get for not seeing it, for not knowing just by looking at you, for not being there to stop it?**__" Her head tilted to the side as her voice cracked with the words she spoke. "__**To watch the love of my life slowly disintegrate into a world of nothing but misery? To watch my one and only fade away and her light dim?**__" She shook her head and sniffled, the back of her hand coming up to wipe her nose. "__**Because, if it is I'm sorry. I'm so sorry baby. As yours, I should have protected you and kept you safe and held you close to me all of the time. I love you. I just…**__" She spared a quick glance to her girlfriend, an utter mess of tears. "__**I just don't know how to fix it. If I could I would, you've got to know that. I would do anything for you. I love you Santana Lopez, maybe sometimes you just forget what that means. Love always, Brittany**__."_

_The room stayed silent for a few moments and she gathered her papers together, doing her best to regain her composure before looking back up to them. The clapping started before she found her courage to lift her head, but it helped speed the process along. A warm hand on her arm was felt before she made any kind of eye contact, but she knew who it was. Her body turned immediately into Santana's, her face burying itself into the crook of the shorter girl's neck._

"_I'm sorry Britt." Santana breathed against Brittany's cheek, letting her lips graze the skin there before placing a kiss to the spot. Her arms wrapped around the blonde's middle, her hands caressing her back soothingly. "I'm so fucking sorry." She murmured, trying to pull their joined bodies away from the front of the room and off to the side as the counselor took over the podium. "Jesus." She shook her head at herself, her arms tightened around her girlfriend's body keeping her as close as possible._

* * *

"How'd it go?" Brittany asks, leans against the door frame of her girlfriend's childhood bedroom and crosses her arms over her chest. Santana looks up from her girlfriend's bag she's been unpacking and smiles with a shrug.

"You know, it's weird." Santana decides on with a sigh and stands up straight, dropping the sweater in her hands back down into the bag. "I feel like, almost like there's a weight that's been lifted off my shoulders." She muses, studying her girlfriend's face as she speaks.

"Me too." Brittany says after a few moments of silence, making Santana's head drop and she nods into her chest.

"Yeah." Her voice is soft and she lowers herself to the bed, patting the spot beside her for Brittany to sit. The blonde does as requested and takes a seat next to her girlfriend and that had that is offered. "You're so strong." Santana tells her, rubbing her thumb on the back of Brittany's hand and resting her head against the blonde's.

"Santana." Brittany whines but there is amusement laced in her tone.

"What? You are." The Latina affirms with a smile, leaning her shoulder into her girlfriends. "I saw you moving the furniture around in the living room before." Brittany giggles and turns her head to kiss Santana's cheek.

"I'm beginning to think your mom uses me for my muscles." She flexes her arm getting a laugh from the girl beside her.

"Probably." Santana sighs, resting her chin on Brittany's shoulder and ghosting her lips against her cheek. "You know what I mean though." She says this so quietly, only meant for the blonde to hear, and she does.

"I know." Brittany replies, her voice so low it comes out crackly.

* * *

Brittany pulls the curtains from the bay window of her parent's house and leans forward to look out the window. It's dark out now but she can see her girlfriend perfectly from the porch light and the full moon shining down. She grins to herself, watching Santana shove her hands into the pockets of her winter coat, her head tilted up to the sky and no worry on her face.

The blonde walks towards the front door, grabs her coat and glances over her shoulder to find their families still sitting in the dining room talking. The door squeaks but the Latina doesn't flinch at the noise, just keeps her focus on the stars and moon. Brittany slowly walks beside her, hooks her arm through Santana's and leans her head onto her shoulder.

"Nice night." Brittany hums out, cuddling closer into the other girl's body. She can feel Santana nod and the way her body buzzes against her own as she sighs in agreement.

"You know what my favorite moment is, well, one of them anyway." Santana breaks the comfortable silence between them, shrugging her shoulder.

"What?" Brittany asks, her smile growing as she waits for the answer.

"That Fourth of July, when you kissed me." The Latina admits, her voice shy but sincere. "I'll never forget the way I felt when your lips touched mine." She whispers, turning her head to the side to press a kiss to Brittany's.

"What's your favorite?" The blonde asks after a few short minutes of silence.

"Hmm?" Santana hums in response, smiling back at Brittany curiously.

"Well, you said that Fourth of July was one of your favorites. So, do you have a number one?" She inquires.

Santana is quiet for a little while. Breathing in slowly, watching the mist puff from her mouth and then clears her throat. She turns her body to face Brittany's which causes the blonde to lift her head up from Santana's shoulder. The Latina smiles, getting the same from the blonde and she leans in to press a chaste kiss to her girlfriend's lips.

"My favorite moment is this one." She says in a low, soft voice. A voice that is only meant for them to hear. Brittany's eyebrows furrow a bit and her head tilts a little to the side with curiosity. "And all of the other moments that happen between us after this." Her arm slips from Brittany's and her hand trails down the sleeve of Brittany's jacket until she grabs her hand, rubbing the back of it with her thumb. "When I was broken, you didn't run away. You stayed, picked up the pieces and you fixed me. You've loved me even when I didn't love myself. And I know I've said it before, but, thank you so much for loving me." Brittany's lips tighten, covering her teeth and she playfully rolls her eyes, a trick she does to ward away tears. "I love you." Santana leans in and up to press a kiss to the blonde's lips, letting it last a little longer than a peck.

"I love you."

"I'm gonna do my best to make it up to you, to love you as hard as you've loved me and to make you as happy as you make me." Santana grins, letting her arms wrap around Brittany's waist, swinging their bodies back and forth.

"I know a good place to start." Brittany whispers, her hands reaching behind her to grab Santana's hands from her back, separating their bodies a few inches.

"Oh yeah?" The Latina giggles, watching one of her hands be dropped from Brittany's. The blonde nods with a mischievous smirk on her face, dipping her free hand into the pocket of her jacket only to lift it out in a loose fist.

"Agree to marry me and we can call it even." She raises her closed hand up between them and turns her hand around to reveal a black box in her palm. Santana's eyes widen, her lips part and she breathes out a tiny cloud of air that dances between them.

"Brittany." Santana whispers, eyes flickering from blue eyes to the black box.

"When…" She starts, swallows hard and clears her throat. "When things were dark and… there were times I was afraid I was going to lose you." Brittany admits, her voice shaky and her eyes blink rapidly to fight the little prickles of tears daring to form. "And I just couldn't imagine this place, my life, without you in it. Even before, I… when I looked into the future I saw 'us'." She explains, her eyes lock into Santana's. "We say 'I love you' and 'forever' and 'always'." She brings her other hand up to lift the top of the box to reveal the diamond ring hidden inside and she smiles wide when she hears the gasp escape her girlfriend's mouth. "Marry me Santana. Marry me because I will forever love you, always."

Santana's head is nodding, her mouth moving but words escape her. Brittany giggles as she watches Santana's reaction and pulls the ring out of the box to slide onto a tanned finger. She holds the hand in her own, admiring the way the diamond glistens against the moon light.

"Yes." Santana finally lets out in a soft, barely there whisper. "A thousand times yes." She adds, her eyes looking down at the new piece of jewelry on her body. When she looks up to meet blue eyes she is greeted with sparkling blue eyes that seem to have speckles of glitter in them from the night's sky. Her breath hitches in her throat and she brings her hands to rest on Brittany's cheeks. "I love you so much." She tells the blonde, as she caresses the soft skin beneath her thumbs.

"I love you forever infinity sweetheart." Brittany reminds her before leaning forward to press her lips to Santana's.

The End


End file.
